Yesterday I just found out my wife has been having an affair. We have been married for almost seven years, she is 40 and I am 41. She had been very standoffish for the last couple of months, so I suspected something was going on. Yesterday I went through her purse and found a 2nd cell phone, that I never knew about. It had texts messages and pictures, of the other guy. Once I confronted her, she confessed that she had been seeing him for almost two months. Her and her girlfriend, who had just gotten divorced, had been going out quite a bit since July (to bars, clubs, etc). I told her that this bothered me at the time and was not the way a married woman acts, but she would always blow it off as no big deal, that she would never flirt or anything she just like going out and listening to music. Eventually one of these times she met the guy she had the affair with. Reviewing her "secret phone" I discovered she actually had a couple of male friends, plus the guy she had the affair with. She claimed turning 40 was really tough on her and she loved getting attention. She got this second, secret phone from her girl friend (the female divorcee), who she was going to the bars and clubs with.
Anyhow once I found the phone, and confronted her, I told her I was leaving. She freaked out, telling me she loves me, and can't bear the thought of life without me. I basically told her I'm gone, and then she grabbed sleeping pills and told me she would take the whole bottle if I left. It took me almost thirty minutes to get the pills from her. She continued to tell me she would do anything to stop me from leaving. She refused to go to work yesterday, so I stayed, and she refused to let me out of her sights. She kept apologizing over and over, and claims she wants to work things out, that she does not want to lose me. She even picked up the phone called the other guy and told him it was over. She claims she won't talk to any of her male friends, and will never go out like this again.
My problem is I do love her, but I am cynical about her truely wanting to stay with me. This is my second marriage, my first one ended with my ex wife having an affair as well, after a ten year marriage, so this is like history repeating itself again. I have already contacted a counseler and am meeting with her on Monday. I really just don't know what to do, such a big part of me wants to believe her, that she loves me and wants me to stay with her, but my head tells me I am an idiot for staying. On top of that I am worried if I leave she might actually do something to herself. I called a doctor and they told me that if I truely thought she was a danger that I should bring her in. This is so difficult, I don't know how people get through this.

Yesterday I just found out my wife has been having an affair. We have been married for almost seven years, she is 40 and I am 41. She had been very standoffish for the last couple of months, so I suspected something was going on. Yesterday I went through her purse and found a 2nd cell phone, that I never knew about. It had texts messages and pictures, of the other guy. Once I confronted her, she confessed that she had been seeing him for almost two months. Her and her girlfriend, who had just gotten divorced, had been going out quite a bit since July (to bars, clubs, etc). I told her that this bothered me at the time and was not the way a married woman acts, but she would always blow it off as no big deal, that she would never flirt or anything she just like going out and listening to music. Eventually one of these times she met the guy she had the affair with. Reviewing her "secret phone" I discovered she actually had a couple of male friends, plus the guy she had the affair with. She claimed turning 40 was really tough on her and she loved getting attention. She got this second, secret phone from her girl friend (the female divorcee), who she was going to the bars and clubs with.
Anyhow once I found the phone, and confronted her, I told her I was leaving. She freaked out, telling me she loves me, and can't bear the thought of life without me. I basically told her I'm gone, and then she grabbed sleeping pills and told me she would take the whole bottle if I left. It took me almost thirty minutes to get the pills from her. She continued to tell me she would do anything to stop me from leaving. She refused to go to work yesterday, so I stayed, and she refused to let me out of her sights. She kept apologizing over and over, and claims she wants to work things out, that she does not want to lose me. She even picked up the phone called the other guy and told him it was over. She claims she won't talk to any of her male friends, and will never go out like this again.
My problem is I do love her, but I am cynical about her truely wanting to stay with me. This is my second marriage, my first one ended with my ex wife having an affair as well, after a ten year marriage, so this is like history repeating itself again. I have already contacted a counseler and am meeting with her on Monday. I really just don't know what to do, such a big part of me wants to believe her, that she loves me and wants me to stay with her, but my head tells me I am an idiot for staying. On top of that I am worried if I leave she might actually do something to herself. I called a doctor and they told me that if I truely thought she was a danger that I should bring her in. This is so difficult, I don't know how people get through this.

Step 1: Go buy a copy of Dr. Harley's "Surviving An Affair". It's a short read. You should get through it in a night or two. It will outline to you the appropriate response to your wife's affair.

Step 2: Get started on your "Plan A" and get extraordinary precautions in place to prevent further contact with the other man. If you suspect the affair is still ongoing and she will not commit to extraordinary precautions to prevent contact, use exposure of the affair to those who matter most to her to help have some influence on the demise of the affair.

Step 3: Once a suitable amount of time has passed (typically at least 3-5 weeks, sometimes more) begin working through one of Dr. Harley's courses to create love in your marriage: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi9000_courses.html

She has hurt you deeply, and violated your covenant with one another. It's your choice to divorce, if you wish, but I would counsel patience and plan at least two years before divorcing so that you have time to try a comprehensive recovery plan.

Barnboy gives very good advice. Does your wife have any psychiatric problems? Has she threatened suicide before? If she threatens again, I would take her somewhere. If she meant it, she will get the help she needs. If it was a ploy, going to the hospital will be enough of a wake up to probably prevent her from threatening again.

Ordered the book.

She has agreed to absolute no contact with the other man, I have the "secret phone" she was using.

My wife does not have any history of previous psychiatric problems. Over the last several months she has mentioned how miserable her life is, and how she wishes sometimes she would just never want to wake up. She has diabites and blood pressure issues. I discovered today she has not been taking her medicines, because she told me. I checked the dates on the perscriptions and it is obvious that she is telling the truth, that she has not been taking her meds. Yesterday, she complained about feeling ill, and she was visibily sweating (although she would always add "I know you would never leave me if I was sick"). However it passed so I did not take her to the hospital. Today I made sure she took her medicine, I told her that no matter what happens to us, I still don't want anything bad to happen to her, and I would make sure she takes care of herself, and that she needed to take care of herself for her kids. This is so frustrating, she is the one who has an affair, yet I feel like I am needing to take care of her.

It's slow on the weekends here so don't get down if you do not get a lot of responses.

Read up on this site about plan A, and exposure, then do these things. If you have questions about how to proceed ask her and members will help.

Your WW will have to stop going out alone.

NC with that GF.

NC with all of the OM. No more male friends.

WW will have to write a NC letter, have you approve it, then you send it to the OM.

You must expose WW to her parents and siblings. Expose OMW.
Do not warn WW that you will expose, just do it.

Barnboy,

I think you meant wait 2 - 3 months before making any decision. 2 years is kind of ridiculous.

Agreed. 2 years would be nuts. You'd probably go insane.

The focus should now be on you and your healing. Her faking illness/suicide. etc. gives you some insight into where this woman's focus is always going to be, IMO.
Since she is not concerned with your pain, make sure to take care of yourself.

To those that have read MB for any length they would know that Recovery can take two to five years.

BS's are told to wait six months after D day to make important decision as to whether divorce or attempt recovery. Mainly because the BS needs the time to process what has happened to their life.

However a the BS needs to do a plan A ASAP. Whether or not they want to stay married, the BS needs to make themselves a better person and spouse.

Recovery, 2=5 years, yes. 2=5 years to make an assessment as to whether to attempt recovery, no.
As for the Bs needing to become a better person and spouse, not every BS needs work in these areas. Some are just great people and spouses pre-A. One cannot just assume that because one spouse decided to cheat, the BS is in some way lacking in any area.

This involves NC with all the affair enablers.

Let her write NC letters all her men friends as well as her divorced friend.

You need to find why she reneged on her marriage to chase other men. She needs to understand that she has broken a major boundary. That this boundary is never to be crossed again.

You need to get details of the event and prevent it from happening again. If she has EN's that need to be met, meet them. She should not have reason to wander. Investigate setting up a Policy Of Joint Agreement in the articles at this site.

Everyone thanks for the suggestions. This whole thing is really tough. I have spent lots of time reading through this website just to try to keep myself occupied. I have found night time to be the worst, as I am unable to sleep. I think I have maybe slept a total of five hours since learning on Friday. I am hoping to finally just get tired enough and get some decent sleep. I actually told my grandmother what was going on, because I really needed someone to talk to. I learned from that my grandfather (now deceased) had two affairs in a short period over 45 years ago. I was shocked, as I never heard of any of this. It did help quite a bit to talk to someone that had been through this. Overall a very strange day.

Sorry you are here, but welcome to MB, youngpuppy...

Here's some reading to get you started before you get SAA, a "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" thread and also a quick start guide:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680&page=1
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=407164&page=1

I can relate to your feelings ~ even after I decided to work on recovery with my WS, I still had many lingering doubts...I wondered if I really ever knew my WH at all. Most of all, I didn't want to ever be blindsided again...

However, the more reading I did here and the more I learned about protection of the marriage and working on meeting each other's top ENs, I realized how vulnerable our M was to an A. Hopefully your WW realizes now that going out to clubs and bars at night without you was a very bad idea...and something she should never do again...

The good news is that it sounds like your WW is remorseful and has agreed to NC. Her willingness to send a NC letter will be a good indicator to you whether she is truly ready to close the door on the A and OM. There will be a template in SAA or we can post it for you...

Do you know anything about OM? Is he M? If so, his W needs to be told about the A as well.

One last thing...I would also ask your WW to be screened for STD's. Hang in there!

SusieQ thanks for the links. A template of a NC letter would be very helpful. I know the OM was single, has been divorced for about 15 months, and is 42. She has already agreed to be tested for STD's (this actually came up yesterday), although she stated they used condoms, I told her she needed to be tested anyway.

This is Dr. Harley's NC letter from SAA.

I met with a counselor and that really helped me quite a bit. WW meets with a counselor on Thrusday, and will start marriage counseling. I have noted her mood change though. Friday and Saturday, she was begging me and pleading with me to stay, crying, saying she could'nt live without me etc. By Monday she was convinced that I was not leaving and we could try to work it out, she backed off. Now she acts more hurt and sad. She's told me she feels horribily guilty, and that she has let me down, her kids, and her parents, etc. She claims she hates the fact she has hurt me so, she just seems very sad now. I have adopted plan A, and she even keeps saying that I'm am too nice to her after what she has done. She claims she does'nt desrve me. Of course she keeps saying she loves me, but is not sure she is "in love with me" and is afraid she can't get those feeling back, I cannot tell you how difficult this is to hear, but I just tell her I am glad she is finally trying to be honest with me. We will see where all of it goes, it sure is tough, I have moments where I feel like I am going out of my mind.

The "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is VERY typical WW talk. Love in a long-term relationship takes work from both parties to meet each other's needs. She is very foggy and will most likely be in withdrawal (i.e. miss OM) for awhile. You both need to just "get through" this period w/o making things worse.

If she is remorseful and willing to go to counseling, she will hopefully recognize that the "in love" feeling will return with hard work from both of you.

Hang in there YP. You should go see your doc to see if you need anti-depressant meds...I would HIGHLY recommend this. You may also need some sleeping meds. I know you probably don't want to be "all drugged up", but the ADs will help you be able to cope with the sitch better and also help you give and receive from you WW. And, you need to be able to sleep or you WILL go crazy.

I could not and still have a very hard time sleeping. I have a hard time eating. These things are normal and expect and do you best to treat them. The meds will help.

Yeah, counseling is good. I needed someone to talk to my feelings on all this. Good that she is remorseful. She has a load of work to do.
You sound like a good guy. If she will not work to recover, after a while, you have to cut her loose and be happy on your own or with someone else. She has dug a big hole and needs to work her butt off. Many guys never get past this type of betrayal, most, in fact. So, if you find after a while that despite her efforts , you are still unhappy , don't feel bad if you have to divorce.

Good luck youngpuppy,it sounds like we are at the same point in life.

Again thanks for all of the support. She has taken a few steps, she called the therapist on her own, has been calling me when she gets to work and leaves (from her office number), and is constantly checking in.
One of the hardest things though was this guy, lives in an apartment, does not make a large salary and is not even attrative. We live in a very nice home, and she is well provided for, really difficult to know what she even saw in the guy. She told me he had a great personality, but I figure he is a scumbag, single men should not chase married women.