Hes not gone. He just left that one time. We do well most of the time. We have had no confrontatons or "bad" days since this happened. Only the day I felt like he seemed distant and asked him about it. He wouldnt answer. That upset me. He mustve talked to her. I just finally told him that I was going to do whatever Icould to make it work and I wanted him to stay. That I wanted to hear what he hadto say when he was ready.

I may be confused, I was under the impression that he left once, but now is back and just refuses to discuss why he left in the first place.

Lost and found- is he currently living with you?

I would like to do this.

I see that you are correct, cate. My confusion!

That is correct.

No prob, sugar.

Lost- Do you have a job outside the home? If not, do you think it would be possible for you to find something, even if it's part time, to help ease the financial burden and take some of it off of your H?

When you wrote" I live with this fear everyday", my question to you is why? I dont think we can be ahppy in a marriage that you cant trust. There has to be a point in time that you dont feel threatened. DOnt take your spouse for granted but you have to feel they are faithful.

Yes. I work too.

To add to it I guess I should say "He met this woman at his second job".

So, realistically he could still be seeing her through his second job, which could be the bigger reason as to why he doesn't want to give it up......

I would make whatever sacrifices necessary in order for him to quit that second job, and spend more time with you. If it's at all possible.

lostandfound_101:

What I hear over and over again ringing through your posts is "I don't have enough information".

You don't know if your husband is cheating now.

You don't know if the other woman is still hanging around.

You don't know if your husband is contacting her while at work.

Your job right now is to gather intelligence. With intelligence will come clarity. Your husband is in a state of "withdrawal" right now (read up on the Harley's 10 basic concepts for more information) and you want to find out why. Snooping will give you that answer.

Tips:
* Keylogger on his home computer (to monitor if?when he talks to her at home online)
* GPS with reporting in his car (to monitor a possible physical affair)
* Voice-activated recorder in his car (to monitor if he calls her from the vehicle)

If everything comes back inconclusive... then maybe he isn't cheating, but in withdrawal for another reason. If it comes back conclusive that he still has ANY contact with the other woman in ANY form, that is the source of his being in a state of withdrawal.

Above all, meet his emotional needs and avoid love busters while gathering your intelligence. Do not immediately confront upon first evidence, but wait until you have more than enough to convince you of what is going on.

He could see her but there are lots of people there that would tell me now. I dont think so. He comes home as soon as he gets off now whereas it used to be several hours later. He always had an excuse. I want him to quit the job and I would sacrafice anything to have him do that. I just wish I knew the right way to approach him that could help him understand it is more important now more than ever to be around. Especially for our youngest daughter. She cries to me every time he leaves to go that she wants her daddy back. It is such a shame. He is missing out on so much and for what? I dont think he knows.

Your marriage will never improve until the two of you start talking HONESTLY to each other. If he won't make the first move to do so, you will have to.

Do you have a voice-activated recorder in his car?

Do you read the phone records to see who he calls/texts?

He doesnt text her or call her on his cell phone. We get an itemized statement. I have his pw on his cell. No messages or texts from her. He may have an IM on his computer at work that he contacts her by. I dont know how to get into that. She used myspace. He does not have a myspace in his name. But I know he would have one ia a name I dont know about. He must call her from his office. She says they have never talked on the phone. She also told my friend she would leave him alone. We have one car to share so he could go see her while I am at work or home and he has the car. All I have tgo go on is my instincts. I could qudestion him but I know that if he is seeing her he will not own up to it. Sounds hopeless doesnt it. The question a good friend has is how much rope am I willing to give. I guess I am willing to do what it takes until the rope breaks. I wish he would be open and honest with me. But, how do you get someone to do that?

All the excuses you just gave for them not contacting each other are great...if they came from someone who isn't lying and cheating on you.

Have you searched his clothes and office and car for ANOTHER phone? Have you accounted for every penny he spends? How do you know he hasn't set up a DIFFERENT myspace account that you don't know of? Did you install a GPS phone in the car so you can track where the car goes?

If I were in your shoes, I would be spending the money for a PI. To know the truth, once and for all.

Does he have a gym locker where he can keep things? That's where my WS kept his second phone. How do I know? He told me when he confessed all. I would never have guessed.

I am back again and have not given up yet but I still dont know if this is going to work. I spoke to him about things will never get better if he continues to talk to her, He seeems good one day and down and sad the next. He still thinks he wants to be with her. I almost thik I should tell him to go for it. I dont want to see him sad amymore. I dont believe she can make him happy but he has to figure that out for himself. It will be so diffcult to say that to him but more so for my kids to see him leave, They are holding on so tight,I still dont understand why a man would want to leave such a beautiful family for another one that is so screwed up.

My question is do I keep on doing for him and trying to give him what he needs and let him make the decision to leave or not or do I invite him to leave and see if that is what he wants?