I'm sorry, but the only solution I see for you is Plan D. He has NO respect for you, so it is impossible to love you. The ONLY way he will ever respect or love or want you is if you LEAVE him. Permanently.

I don't want to divorce and have to wait 4 years anyway to do so.
What I want to achieve is this: while he is abroad I want to keep the lines of communication open - he just starts to talk again - something he hasn't done since April - they are still babysteps but it's a start - he has dropped the verbal abuse for close to 2 months now - I would like to know if him reacting differently now is due to me being consistant in plan A in the same time frame.

Anyway what I am more concerned about is me dealing with him face to face when he is home - I have good grip on dealing with him abroad but face to face is a different story.
The last time was a complete disaster but I think I am in a much better place now.

When WS is due to come home, picture the two of you in different scenarios and play out in your head how the inter-action might go. Try to think of the worst that could happen so that you are mentally prepared and know how you will react.

Personally, I think that the stopped verbal abuse is due to the Plan A treatment but my WS never gave me any so I don't know for sure.

Like you said - baby steps!

thanks TM - I will do that.

The last time he was home there was a moment I was actually staring at him
like a bloody teenager - I didn't even notice until he called me up on it and told me to stop.

I read a post somewhere which describes my feelings to a T - saying that when you are married for a while your feelings move from "romantic love" to the next stage which is what happened to me - but once there is the threat to lose the WS the BS goes back to the "romantic love" stage - which has happened to me also since April.

Yep. That is exactly what happened to me. I knew my love for WS ran deep. I told him so at Christmas when he was acting so bad. But on holiday, after I was told about OW, I acted lovestruck and horny all week.

EXACTLY why I often suggest that you go ahead and file. If it takes 4 years, that gives you 4 years of him KNOWING that you are fed up with him.

What happens when you can't have what you've taken for granted?

You want it!

Not a guarantee, but IMO the best option you have going, cos he sure ain't interested in you right now.

And if it doesn't work out, you will be learning how to live without him as your goal - which can become unhealthy.

catperson, I can't file for divorce now - I can only file in 4 years. We have to be separated for 4 years first - I can't go around that.

I can't even file for legal separation now as I can't proof adultery - I have to wait until June next year.

I have informed myself - I have a lawyer already - there is not much more I can do. He hasn't done anything so far though.

Ok, I understand the legal aspect of it. But what I was trying to get at was the EMOTIONAL aspect of it. If he sees that you're fed up, and willing to live your life without him, IMO, you have a better chance of him wanting you again. At this point, he doesn't even seem to care if you're alive. I don't see how a Plan A can change that, in y'all's situation. Plan FU might, because we act off of our feelings, and if he feels like you won't put up with his cake eating, you just may become worth saving. So don't take legal steps. Just let him know you're fed up. Stop acting out of fear.

catperson, I think I have to do a good plan A before going into Plan B when I am ready for it - I still have some snooping to do in regards to his email account and my Plan A's have been inconsistent in the past with a lot of LB's.
There is no point for me to go into Plan B if he hasn't seen first how it could be between us - I am not doing Plan A out of fear - I think I have a better chance this way. I am working on our communication and it seems to work finally - he seems to respond positively.If he will turn around I don't know but at least I have tried everything.
And it won't be like the last time he was home - I won't play the pushover any longer, I can promise you that.

On a positive note - I just got asked out on a date while grocery shopping and yes I declined because I am married but it's nice to hear it all the same. He said I was georgeous and that he couldn't take his eyes of me
This is the second time this year this has happened...

That is the kind of thing your H needs to hear.

Oh wow bestrongforyou! No-one has asked me for a date and I go out all the time. How annoying!

Good for you!

And always when I am shopping - I am sure I have inner glow when shopping

He wasn't my type but I have to give him one thing - he did say he was looking if I was wearing a wedding ring and asked me because I wasn't. That's a good thing

BS4U:

Your WH (that is what he is) sounds like my situation. He is simply not ready for MB- He thinks he is, but he wants to go around the radical honesty and full disclosure part.

That is O.K., I can still learn a lot here by reading the books and posts. I found a site called divorce busters. It has a whole link on MLC <mid life crisis>. In some ways it is the same, but it really helped me get a grip on how to deal with a MLC'r.
He fits that mold two a "T".

I hope someday my H will grow up and decide he is MB material.
Stop the selfish thinking, turning anger twords family and other stunts and become someone who can behave like a real husband should.

The MLC forum really helped me in my thinking about my M.

I hope it helps you.

barbiecat, are you 2 still together? How do you get around the part of radical honesty and full disclosure ? - because let's be honest it's essential.

I will check out the MLC link - a friend of mine said to me it could be the 7 year itch - he is a little too young for a MLC if there is such a thing - he is only 31.

I also think he wanted to get back together but without the radical honesty and full disclosure part - and then freaked when I didn't seem to be able to just forget everything. I mean how could I - I don't even know how much is there to forget?
He could be a serial cheater for all I know...

Why do you think his verbal abuse has vanished? I am not sure of that's a good or bad sign...

catperson, I told him the last time a man had asked me out on a date back in July and when I told himn that I had said "No" he called me an idiot

Funnily enough WH had asked me only 2 hours earlier to make a fresh start with him and then he wants me to go on a date with another man?
He also said that he would have said "yes" if asked - not that he had any offers WH didn't know when he said it that I knew about him and dating another woman only days earlier

The other book, (with apologies to the MB site) is Divorce Busting. I am reading her book and have been reading on the site.

It adds to and offers advice that is not given here. I felt less like a failure there.

Let's face it. 100% a MLC is a MLC (yes, even 30 year olds can get it). The goal is how to TREAT them, and not blame yourself, and work on your own goals, they are practical, and I think reasonable, but I read a lot of self help-

My point is that even though he is not a candidate for MB right now - I sure am! If he grows the 'flip up-- maybe someday he will be a MB candidate. This site pertains on how to deal with the MLC spouse (only some have A's, tho) during the hard times.

Yes, my H and I are still together. He is CLASSIC MLC- immature and selfish. This site helped me learn how to handle this without emotionally killing myself.

At MB, recovery is a different (but better) thing. I can hope.

At least I knew I was not going crazy.

So? The point is, he needs to hear that you are desirable. That you don't BELONG to him.

I will slip it in when he is here next

Can I ask everyone's opinion on something - it really worries me - I am Plan A'ing WH since 2 months now - as he is abroad it is quiet difficult but I am keeping at it.


Since day 1 of this crisis WH has been very angry towards me - blaming me - verbally abused me - and now for the last 2 months - basically since I started Plan A it has completely stopped - our phone conversations are pleasant and it seems like he is opening up a little bit.

Now my concern - whenever I send him a text or email and ask him questions he makes sure I get every question answered - he is so polite - he even apologized when I sent him a text while him being in Romania andd he answered it 2 days late - it's so weird - for some reason it worries me. It's like there is no emotion anymore, I don't know.

Since Plan A, he thinks he's got you off his back. Now he's treating you just like he treats anybody else.

Is that how you treat a spouse? Someone you love? I don't think so.

This is why you are going to need Plan B and you're going to need it soon.
Mulan