3 years ago W and I were in crisis, she convinced me that it was my fault. I am a prety responsible guy, so I bought it. We went to counseling, we rebuit our marriage completely. AND IT WAS GOOD!!! 2 and a half years of wedded bliss. She recently had her thyroid removed due to cancer. I never left her side, next week she gets the radoiactive IOdine. she is on a special diet and feeling pretty lousy. Yesterday, she told me that GOD told her if she doesn't tell me she will keep getting sick, and die. She was sick as a dog all morning, I was doing what I could, to comfort her. Then she told me, she slept with the guy she was working with, A LOT she said. In a way I knew, I think everyone else knew. that is why we had our crisis, because she was having A. Now I can't look at her without being disgusted, I still knid of love her. I have no trust in her nor any respect for her. I think she is still chasing something, (not me) I was just the best thing she had. When we were in crisis, I was a frequent visitor here. I stopped visiting because I just kept hearing people tell me "she is having affair" I would confront w about an afair and she would convince me that she was not, and that you were just a bunch of jaded people. You were right, I was fooled. IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE! Not sure if I want to put pieces back together this time, she has proven to me that she is a very tallented lier.

I am very sorry to hear your bad news. Did you not snoop on her to see if we were right about the affair?

And when was the last time she saw this guy?

She moved out last year, didn't she? You posted about it in March 2008, so that does not show "2 and a half years of wedded bliss" since then. What she seeing OM during that time? She told you he was in the middle of a divorce. Did he get divorced, and did they live together? What reason did she give then for moving back?

What do you know now about the affair, apart from that it happened? How do you know that it has ended?

you are correct my timeline was way off. She never moved out, I think she was going to move in with OM, but she told me she just wanted to be on her own. Very soon after her trip out of town (March 29) She began showing doubt about moving out. I think she was still seeing OM at that time, can't take the pain right now of asking too many questions. Nor can I stand to be around her that much right now. But, I will find out eventually. We have been so happy since May 2008. I mean happier than I ever imagined was possible! Then about a month ago we found a lump on her thyroid. CANCER! We were pretty scared, but we took it on together. I was more in love with her than ever. Then Sat Nov 7 2009 she told me, GOD showed her if she didn't tell me, that the cancer would keep coming back until it killed her. So she told me, that she was a whore, and that she didn't deserve me. she told me that she gave herself to this OM. Didn't find him attractive, didn't love him, but he told her they would travel the country making art. She said she found out later that he just used her. Probably when she decided not to move out. The story I am getting is The A started before our "round one", thats what started it. Rather than accept the responsibility of cheating, she convinced herself that she didn't love me. Then she was so ashamed that she couldn't find the strength to tell me about it. I still love her, (as much as I can without love and respect that is). I see potential, I just don't know how to trust her again, I don't have the strength to forgive her right now. But, for my son, I am going to look really hard. Thanks for listening

Thats tough, real tough...She got cancer and you find out she is wayward. It is going to be very dificult for you to stay by her side. You definitely have the choice to leave the marriage. How old are both of you? DUDE

restore_happy,

Make no decisions right now. Do your best to help her recover from the cancer. My daughter had that cancer at age 23. She has recovered well from it but it is scary.

Right now OM is out of the picture and that is good. But, eventually you will need to know quite a few things, such as where OM is now. If they still work together, she needs to quit her job. You will need to know the timeline and her thinking then and now.

And more than anything YOU need time to handle this news and then begin to decide what information you need (verifiable information for sure) so that you can make plans for the future.

Give yourself the gift of time and luxury of patience right now. You will not regret it.

God Bless,

JL

To the best of my knowledge OM has been out of the picture since W stopped working with him, like a year and a half ago. I do not know where he is now, thankfully, I was unable to find him. I went looking on Sat. I don't plan on making any decisions for a while. I just don't know if I am up for another round of akwardness in my home. My poor son has to see me treat her with disgust (it's the best I can do right now). I wonder if it would be better if we werent living together. I am 33, W is 29

restore_happy,

Went back and read your old posts. Perhaps you should as well. What struck me is that you committed what Dr. Harley considers one of the most dangerous love busters, the disrespectful judgement. Now normally a DJ is about assuming you know things you don't and then acting on them. In this case you assumed you knew things that you did not, and put a lot of effort into fixing things that were not broken, and now you see that the folks posting to you were right, she was cheating.

My point? Avoid making any decisions until you have data that you can confirm. You did nothing to confirm your W's story but listen to a liar (her) and then take action based on that, and now you feel cheated and lied to more because of all of the trauma you went through to address fictitious problems than the real problems. THis time get data and confirm it in a reliable way.

However, there is good news in this as well. You did improve yourself. You did actually save the marriage although for the wrong reasons. Now you know why things were being said, she was rewriting history to justify her affair and her lies to you. One other piece of good news if you want to call it that, her conscience was bothering her very very badly and that is a testimony to how well you have treated her. The cancer scare forced her to tell, but eventually something would because she KNOWS that virtually everything she told you about you, your marriage, how she felt, her marrying too young, was all a hugh LIE.

You need time, take it. She needs to heal from her surgery, help her. You will both need counseling, seek it.

God Bless,

JL

I don't know how to confirm her story. I made contact with OM, he denies it like she is making it up. How can I confirm it? Yeah, I know, the signs were like a flashing neon sign, I KNOW THAT NOW. I don't regret the work I put into myself, I am proud of what God did in me. I like this new me. And she did a lot of growing too. She just wouldn't face her betrayal. I did confront her, about an affair, in a way I did know. She is a very skilled deceiver, she honestly used to practice in a mirror, to see her "tells". I have never really had the stomach for it. I don't understand the mindset. She hid it for two years, without batting an eye.

All OM are sneaks and liars.

So you can not count on the OM coming clean to you.

Why should the OM be honest?

So an angry BH come looking to kick some burro.

So some BH can expose the affair to the OMW.

She can call up OMW and apologize.

OM told my former W that OMW has a very bad cancer. And brought his daughter (14) To see her at work. after the A was over, he wanted to get back with her. That is the last time she ever saw him. That is the story she tells me. If this is true, how can I expose a 14 year old girl already going through so much, to that. How can I hurt someone else who did nothing wrong? How would I confirm any of that? I threatened to. But, I am not a good liar.

You can polygraph her to be sure she is telling you the whole truth and there were no OM besides the one she's admitting to.

And, as far as the not telling you for years- I know where you're coming from. My H didn't confess until years later, and it was only after I asked him to take a poly to prove to me nothing had happened. He would have been completely content had I never found out. I still to this day do not understand how you can lie to someone you love about something so big, BUT, I will say this in our WS's defense-

There are many a Christian counselor who recommend NOT telling the BS about the A if the WS has truly repented, etc. I completely disagree with this, but my H had sought counsel, and looked at various advice forums (not this one), and he decided that in order to avoid causing me pain and hurt that he would just never tell me and vowed to be the best husband he could be for the rest of our marriage.

Like I said, I don't completely understand this line of thinking, but he thought he was doing the right thing. And, had I not had that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was keeping something from me, I probably would never have found out as his were all ONS.

Trust is not rebuilt overnight. Give yourself time. It took me a few months to even decide to try to trust him again.

Thanks for the encouragement, and credit to you for trying. I now know how hard this is.

R_H,

""We went to counseling, we rebuit our marriage completely. AND IT WAS GOOD!!! 2 and a half years of wedded bliss.""

""We have been so happy since May 2008. I mean happier than I ever imagined was possible!""

These two sentences cannot be ignored.
WEDDED BLISS??

HAPPIER THAN YOU EVER IMAGINED WAS POSSIBLE??

My gosh brother, that is very awesome if true...and why would you lie??

And that your wife confessed to you is very good. How many of we BSs were that fortunate?

That she had this inside her and it was tearing her up, is also a good sign.

""Nor can I stand to be around her that much right now.''

Think very hard about your time together since May 2008. That is the true, real, relationship you were AND ARE in, until this revelation.

That you can't stand to be around her right now sounds lame and weak to me. May I say I don't need your self-righteous indignation, I get that you are dreadfully hurting and your heart is heavy with grief.

BUT THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF WERE WEDDED BLISS AND THE HAPPIEST YOU COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED

""I see potential, I just don't know how to trust her again, I don't have the strength to forgive her right now. But, for my son, I am going to look really hard. Thanks for listening""

You don't have to forgive her. Try Plan A just for fun. Be a better H than you ever were before. Show her the best you you are. You may find your love for her will even grow stronger than it was before the revelation, and her's will grow stronger too.

I am saying this assuming you want to stay with her and get back to the wedded bliss.

That is not the issue, last time we put this back together. I told her "I don't care what the truth is, I want only truth" She swore to me then that all the cards were on the table. We have had the same fight since we got married. I wanted her to stop hiding behind her "masks". I know she is sorry, I know she doesn't ever want to do this again. But, I don't think she can help it.

Are you aware of the DJ in your last post?

If she "can't help it" she's either too lazy or stupid to change herself.
Which is it?

R_H

""That is not the issue,....I don't care what the truth is, I want only truth""

Oh, so THAT's the issue.

Well, seriously, you finally got the truth, directly from her, correct??

My point in my previous email was that you HAD/HAVE "EXTREMELY FANTASTIC WEDDED BLISS"

There are many BSs here in (quote) "recovery" (unquote) that would LOVE, AND WISH, to have what you have. Sounds like you were in Nirvana and when the entire truth comes out, now you can't stand looking at her??

We / I am saying "My gosh brother we SOOOOOOO wish we could have what you are experiencing!!

I mean the truth did come out, without you busting her on it. That she confessed does amount to something.

I say calm down, let your emotions sub-side, don't do anything rash for 3 months.

I totally understand, that when the A crosses over to the PA, for us macho guys, it is a VERY CRUSHING AND TELLING BLOW TO OUR HEARTS AND OUR VERY CORE. Where something precious and intimate has been lost forever.

IMHO

kirk

As a FWW who also confessed, but who had a hard time deciding to do so, I can tell you my H told me that had I hidden it, it would have been worse. I was trying to fix the marriage too. But all that "fixing" I did was based in part on a lie. My point is that even if she brought you breakfas in bed in a nightie every day, lying is lying. It isn't okay just because you were happy while she did it. I believe you have every reason to be hurt and confused.

MB recommends several months before making serious decisions in a case like this, and I think that is wise. But I read on this board that D-day is D-day no matter how long ago the affair. I hope tht you get the support that you need.