Amimad,

How do I see where I went wrong?

If you did not tell him about your affair, then you are hiding a major fact, one that you think of every day. Perhaps if you are radically honest with him, he will be radically honest with you.

My guess is that the story you told him of how, why etc you got divorced is not true.

NJ

So it's right to be deceitful just because you're not married? Why when this woman is single, doesn't he just go then?

I have necer ever told my partner why my marriage ended in divorce. He has never ever asked me and says he doesn't want to know. So I haven't lied to him. But you're right in thinking that I would find this very difficult admitting to anyone.

Amimad,

I understand it is only a lie by omission, however I would wonder if there is something about you which causes your partners to feel uneasy about telling you how they feel. I mean that many years with no diagnosis of the issues behind once a year sex, is a major communications break down.

NJ

Two women are better than one.

He's made it painfully clear how it's going to be. Either you accept it (I wouldn't) or leave. That's his stance right now. Now you may be able to call his bluff, but he may just let you leave. Either way, he has made no commitment to you, so don't act surprised that he is pursuing other women. Have you ever talked about marriage with your BF? If he doesn't want to get married, he's probably content with you being the housewife to take care of domestic duties while he is free to pursue other women. Afterall, it's okay, he's not married. He can easily walk away from this relationship when he wants to.

In March of this year, I made a similar demand of my wife. To stop calling and texting another man. I told her it was wrong when in a steadfast relationship to have such a close relationship with another man.

She said they had done nothing wrong and were doing nothing wrong and there was no reason to stop.

The evidence is in my signature. This almost destroyed my marriage, and I frequently thought of getting the gun out of the closet to kill myself to escape the pain of her infidelity.

Act now before it is too late. Plan A, Plan B, whatever, form a plan and follow it.

What he is doing is wrong. Cheating is wrong, and deceit is wrong.

In addition to the wrong things he is doing right now, he has shown that he does not value you enough to marry you. Since he has not made that kind of commitment to you, the tools on this website will be of limited value to you in saving your relationship. They are designed to restore marriages, and simply don't work as well in relationships with a lesser commitment.

That doesn't mean you should leave here, though. There is plenty here of value for you in your own recovery. Revisiting your past will be invaluable in healing you for a better future.

You did very well to have your BF leave when he wouldn't stop communicating with his OW. You are not wrong, and not crazy, to be bothered that he would be having that level of intimacy with another woman, when you are supposed to be in an exclusive relationship. As the others have said, his refusal to give her up is very telling. If she were unimportant to him, he would have no hesitation in choosing you over her. You're right on target with your instincts here.

Hope you stick around, even if this wasn't what you were hoping to hear.

Thank you all so much for your comments. I've ordered all 3 books and am hoping they will help me understand where I am going wrong? You're right that it could be me who is not fulfilling my partners emotional needs so I need to look at this long and hard? Last night I caved in and said I didn't want us to split up over this issue. He is still not willing to back down on the replying to simple texts if she texts him as he sees it as no different to anyone of his friends texting him, regardless of my feelings. He says had there been anything whatsoever between them, he'd not only agree with me but leave his job immediately and avoid all contact but he thinks to not reply to her should she text him is rude and I'm asking him to be someone he's not? The fact that he has text her at those times of night and weekends is still totally unacceptable to me. He says he understands 100% how I feel but that he was just being naive. I know he should agre to stop completey, but maybe he is naive and is innicent of anything untoward at all? Afterall, it is me who is the one who was deceitful and not him? Maybe because of my past, I fully understand how these things happen, the risk we take when in this position and how things develop that destroys lives? Maybe because he has never ever been unfaithful to anyone before he's just not aware? I love him so much I want to believe him. Maybe if I can highlight his emotional needs I can save us?

In response to Jim, he has never wanted to marry before but when we got together, he did ask me several times to marry him. However, I don't think I could ever marry again as I meant my marriage vows when I took them. It was such an important thing for me to do and I failed. I do believe marriage is for life and I have 2 wonderful children from mine. I don't believe I could marry anyone else.

In response to Neak, I will definately be reviewing my past. I am seeing things in a totally different light since reading your comments. I just hope I can save this relationship before it's too late.

No no no, amimad! Do NOT allow your BF to manipulate you into backing away from what is clearly an EA, at least! Read what you wrote. Are you really going to take ownership of your BFs issue? Are you really going to sit back on your hands and say that it's fine for him to take away from YOUR times together during nights and weekends to converse on the sly with another woman?? Are you really okay with letting him off the hook because he's a poor little naive thing who can't help being buds with another woman?? Whether or not you are deceitful, honest, dishonest doesn't apply to whether or not he is behaving inappropriately. Those are two separate issues! Concentrating on his emotional needs is separate, as well.
Is your BF willing to show you every text they send/receive? Is he willing to have this OW come to dinner with the two of you? Is he willing to meet the OWs SO if she has one, so that the four of you can ALL be such good friends? I doubt it.
Do not let his manipulation weaken your resolve to keep your relationship together.

This is a mistake.

The only chance I see for your R to succeed, (and in the long run I believe you would be much better off if you walked away right now), would be if:

!) He agreed to stop all communication with this OW
2) He came clean with you on his level of attachment to her
3) He changed jobs to maintain NC
4) He shared all passwords with you and implemented all other precautions
5) He explored with you his reasons for this EA or PA so it wouldn't happen again
6) You both were willing to learn how to identify and meet each other's EN's, ideally within a marriage

Notice there is only one item on that list involving you.

What you have done is let him back with no conditions, and no reason whatsoever to change behavior that is painful to you. Well, it SHOULD be painful when someone you love is sneaking around on you, and choosing another woman over you. You are not wrong to feel pain, or to expect different behavior from a man who is supposed to be exclusively with you.

His actions make it clear to you that he is not willing to be exclusive, and your actions make it clear to him that this is ok with you.

By the time you find proof they are having sex, it will have already been going on and you will already be exposed to all kinds of scary stuff.

Also consider what you are teaching your children, that it's ok for a man to treat a woman like this.

Your best hope if you do want to save this, and have it being a relationship worth having, is to stick to your boundaries. Caving in may keep you from being lonely for a little while longer, but the relationship is just a sham. You're worth a lot more than that.

I'm so glad you're here.

Hi,

Reading your conditions I felt a real sinking in my stomach. I already know none of these conditions would be agreed to as he is total denial that anything has gone on or is going on and that he has done anything wrong.

The biggest problem is he just refuses to discuss anything to do with her whatsoever. If I try to discuss it, he literally flies into a rage. Its horrendous. I interpret this as guilt as there's no other explination.

I was wrong to cave in. I have asked him again tonight to stop all communication with her. Again, he flew into a rage. I then asked if I could meet her and he screamed No No No!! There's nothing to find because nothing has happened.

He then threw his mobile phone on the floor breaking it (this is the second one he's done this with in a week!). I said that this request should be so easy to fulfill. Simple. By his actions, he is showing me this woman means a lot to him. I suspect it his him who has been leading all of the texts and has been trying to persue her as from the messages I saw most were replies from her. Many sent messages are missing.

She is single and lives on her own with no children. I only know this from searching facebook and my space. There are no pictures of her though.

I also suspect, she doesn't actually reciprocate his feelings? Otherwise why not just be together?

I think his rage is at the fact I've intervened just as he was trying to win her over. I think he's furious with me because of this?

Either way, I have told him its over (again). That I deserve far more respect than he has shown me. He says he'll move back to his mothers 200 miles away and leave his job. The way I'm feeling, it can't come soon enough. However, I know this is going to be soo difficult for me and I MUST keep my resolve.

He mustn't of been happy with me for a while? I feel this is totally the end.

I need to look at my marriage break up. When we split, I contemplated suicide so may times. I just couldn't come to terms with my marriage failure and had councelling for 6 months. I need to understand what I'm doing wrong?

I have bought the marital home from my husband as we couldn't sell it and he had moved in with another woman. Since moving in 6 months ago, I have been wracked with guilt beyond belief. Reliving every past memory and all the wrong I did to my ex. I have prayed every night for forgiveness. I have apologised to my ex and asked for his forgiveness. I wonder if in this turmoil, I have neglected my partner and not given him what he needs?

You're absolutely correct. He knows he is guilty, but wants to make it all your fault.

Good for you for breaking up - very hard to do, but I can assure you this will be best in the long run. Whatever may happen between the two of you over time, staying with him while he is clearly after someone else will lead only to more heartbreak for you.

What you did to your BH was very wrong, however that in no way means you deserve to be treated badly by someone else. Your BF's bad treatment of you may have helped open your eyes to what your BH went through, but that in no way excuses your BF for his piggish actions.

You do need to see the scope of the pain you caused in your M, and I think you're beginning to do that, just don't use it to beat up on yourself. Repentance means admitting and turning away from your sins with sorrow for what you did, and joy for what and who you're becoming.

If you read the stories on here, many of the folks on this site are FWW's, who did the same thing you did, and lived to become beautiful people again. Some saved their M's and some did not, but most importantly they recovered themselves.

Let yourself have that experience. You've made a good start already.

Hi Neak,

Thanks so much for your post. I have read your epic experience (not right to the very end as I'm supposed to be working!). I am in total awe at your absolute strength and determination. You have fought so hard its beyond belief. It puts my experience into the shade.

I have lost a stone and a half in 2 months over this. He doesn't seem remotely concerned at all about this or that I can't sleep. I am still waiting for the books to arrive but gather he is in a fog? Don't know what this means at the moment?

I have a job interview in Scotland tomorrow 3 and a half hour drive away. the interview is expected to last 4 hours with the drive home. He was taking the day off work to help with the driving. Can't think straight let alone prepare for this?

Last Thursday, I tried to meet him for lunch. He fobbed me off saying he had to fix his bosses car and was sweating and fed up with it. When he came home, he was a little bit grubby and went straight in the shower. I found that his underwear was stained. This was horrendous for me. The only explination is we had sex the night before and he'd used dirty underwear the next day, although I know he never does this. I now fear there is more going on and that Thursdays are the day. So, today I'm in pieces.

I will try to stick absolutely to my plan. Although this will be hard as I've said its over a few times and caved in so it'll take him a while to believe it this time.

Also, as we're only 2 years into the relationship I fear there's not enough history for him to want to work things out. Its the total denial of everything I don't get and the total detachment from how it is maikng me?

Thank you again. I do believe god brought me to this site too. Your comment that you thought the same made me break down in floods of tears. I am being taught a lesson somehow. I'm not sure what yet but my only strength is that I know god is here for me and I have new friends on this brilliant site.

I think you're an amazing woman and thankfull that you spend time answering problems like mine, with so much going on in your own life.

God Bless you x

Why on earth would you still want to work it out? Your not married. Leave this abuser. Do you have codependency issues? Is this the same reason you didn't leave your first husband until you had another man lined up? The solution to this situation is clear. He's not going to be faithful. And if you don't leave him, he has no reason ever to be faithful. If for some reason you still might want to work it out, at least leave him now and make him earn you back. Don't be afraid to lose this guy. He's not worth it.

And, you are going to have to explain to most folks here what a stone is. Isn't it like 14 lbs?

Hi Jim,

I don't have codependency issues. I just don't want another failed relationship. The house is mine and he contributes towards it, so he's the one who has to leave. I have told him and he says he will. I slept in my daughters room last night as they're at their dad's for a few days so will have to revert to the sofa when they come back. At present he's reading upstairs and seems to be ignoring the situation. And yes, a stone is 14lbs..

He is using anger to manipulate you. If he gets angry, you will back down and stop that line of questioning. Its a great way to avoid talking about issues you don't want to talk about.
And it appears to be working for him.

I really suggest that you get an item called a "SIM CARD READER".
With it, you can go back months and months to read deleted text messages (both sent and received). Then you will know the true nature of their relationship.

Once you are better prepared, you will know what to do.

Hi amimad,

Iim sorry for what you are going through.

You must be in England. I'm in London.

So, does allowing him to fool around on you as long as you stay in the same house together count as a failed relationship? I'm telling you how to fix it, or determine if it will never be fixed. You tell him to stop. Either he stops, or you kick him out. If you kick him out, either he gives up OW and begs to come back, or he continues on with OW and you are better off without him. Doing nothing isn't going to keep your relationship from failing, it is going to contribute to it.

He has agreed to no contact with this woman at all, and to let me have his next phone bill. We are also going for councelling - as soon as we can get a vacant place. Hate him at the moment......