amimad, I apologize if you were taken aback by my post. I wanted to help you face the reality of your situation, but I realize my response may have been too harsh.

Did he agree to all of the above conditions? Did he agree to leave his job? Did he give you all of his id's and passwords for all of his email/text/etc accounts? It's important you set the bar high, and stick to it, or he will continue to try to walk all over you.

Watch his actions. He should be 100% transparent with you and not be trying to sneak around at all.

Hi all,

No, he has not agreed to any of the above other than showing me his phone bill. We are going to our first councelling session tonight - I'm hoping this will start to clear up this mess? He feels he has done absolutely nothing wrong at all and yes, he is definitely using anger to avoid any discussion. I'll let you know how tonight goes for us....x

animad, please do not rely on counseling too much to help you with this. This is because:

1) Most "marriage" counselors fail to understand, or don't want to understand, the dynamics of adultery. They largely ignore it and want to focus on "communication" or some other such rubbish. You end up dancing around the real issue while the affair goes on full-blown.

This is exactly like trying to deal with an alcoholic who is still drinking, and then pretending the alcohol has nothing to do with the problems in the relationship.

2) Most WS are quite happy to go to counseling. Why? See #1 above. With their cheating largely ignored and swept under the rug, they will later say that they "tried" but gee, the counseling just didn't work. Please be prepared for this.

Most "marriage counselors" end up being divorce counselors instead. Beware, beware, beware of any counselor who ignores that fact that one spouse is cheating, or who recommends separation. They will only make things far worse.
Mulan


2)

Hi,
What a revelation. This councelor focussed entirely on his actions and the effect they were having on our relationship. She focused on the fact that he was developing an emotional attachment to another woman and that he had to acknowledge this fact?

I must say, it wasn't what I was expecting as most councelors don't pass opinions, but she let him have it big style! The down side of this, is he feels persecuted and that we were ganging up on him. He is still in total denial that e has done anything wrong. Or in the fog.

She asked that we don't discuss or raise the issues until we go back. I agreed. He said he'll never ever go back. What a surprise. He then took himself to bed and closed off from me. He then didn't sleep a wink. At 2am I got him back to bed and he finally snuggled up to me (his hate had subsided slightly obviously). He said he'd think about going back again with me.

Today is Thursday - the day to watch. He said he's got a big job on today as he needs to fix the clutch on his car(he won't be able to answer his phone). Do I drive to his work place to see if his car is there/not there? No. I've called him and he's not answered his phone, as expected. I've asked him to call me back. How long will this take I wonder?

I'm away with work tonighjt and he was upset that I was planning on leaving before he gats back. I said I'd wait then. Pity I won't be here to check his underwear...

As always, feel physically sick to the stomach. When I get the strength, I will probably decide to end this relationship. But feel too weak to, or have insufficient evidence just now...

Sounds like a good counselor. He needs to continue going with you if he wants to work on the relationship. He's either in denial or he KNOWS but won't admit it.

How did the weekend go? How are you doing?

Hi NotSure2,

We've been to hell and back really. Still waiting for an appointment for on going counceling....

We swing from being really really great together, then bammm...something sets me off and I sink into psycho lady again!

I haven't kept my side of the bargain to keep my mouth shut about this other woman and his actions. Every day a new idea pops into my head, something I haven't checked, something I need to check again, something new to check? I just keep digging and digging. He has threatenned to leave me several times, I've told him that's good, at least I'll be able to eat again!!

He spent a night at his parents (for refuge) last week and I missed him and hated him at the same time..

He has let me see his recent phone bill - all totally clear. Rather than put my mind at rest, I have the new thought that he now has another phone? Or a new email address? I am slowly becoming deranged!!

After a great weekend together (well, had a splurt on Saturday where I accused him of owning another phone) I am determined to keep my mouth shut till we get help.....Here's hoping.

What I am amazed at, is how this has made me - I think it's that I've intercepted something before it started. I'm not sure if he even realised it himself, but it's the fact that he's suceptable to the attention of another woman, in a young relationship.

It has made me think more and more (I was already too) about my marriage, the things we went through together and the absolutely glaringly obvious things that lead to us splitting up. The fact that my husband tried so hard to keep us together in the end, makes me wonder whether this guy is worth the effort?

But onwards and upwards. I feel a lot stronger in myself at times now, still have my low times but not every waking second.. Thanks for asking!

x

Helpful tip: Instead of questioning your wayward spouse right then and there, write down what your question is about the relationship and negotiate a time together to tackle the list.

This technique works really well for many, and is recommended by Dr. Harley for couples trying to avoid Love Busters while recovering their marriage. I use it and we sit down each Sunday night to discuss ongoing issues; it helps a lot. Be sure to observe the rules for successful negotiation while going through it, and avoid Love Busters yourself while listening to his explanations.