Queenie, Holy, Ima,

Thanks for stopping by. As promised, here are a few of the details:

All assets split 50/50. WH did not get any additional money for all of the funds I "diverted" or supposedly hid. I have only my 401K left, but he has a pension, life ins cash value etc. I asked for none of this originally.

Neither had to pay the other support. I really didn't plan on getting it anyway, so I was OK with it. I'll survive on a withdrawal from my 401 until I can find employment. Hopefully it won't run out before I can find a job. I won't count on the business because it is still just limping along.

Both pay their own atty fees. WH has a big one I would imagine based on all of the documentation that they had.

I have the business and WH has no claim to it, however he has to pay off one of my store debts. Since this frees up money that I can pay myself, it is like getting spousal support except that I don't have to pay tax on it and don't have to fight to get it every month. Plus, he has to put that debt in his name and it is gone from my side completely.

He has to give me half the value of his truck. A few thousand, but I can use it now. I almost declined to take it, but I really need it.

So fair? I don't know. I'm sure he feels he got shafted as do I. There are no winners here except the attys and Miss Mullet. She has sacrificed nothing but will benefit from whatever he gets.

So I will be divorced within the next few weeks. When I came here over two years ago, I honestly didn't think it would come to this. Thirty six years - poof! Gone.

Looks like November is not my month. I lost my dad the week before Thanksgiving in 2003, WH drove away into the sunset two weeks before Thanksgiving in 2007, and now I will be divorced right around Thanksgiving in 2009. Wow, add my Christmas dday in 2006 and it looks like the holidays will forever be a dreadful trigger for me. I get depressed this time of year anyway.

So now what? I don't know. I am currently in the worst low that I've had since he left over two years ago. I know that it is a roller coaster and I just have to ride it out, but I didn't expect that I would hit the bottom again. Maybe it's just part of the process. It feels so final now. And so tragic. It's so hard to accept something that you just didn't want. You always think that you can control your own life, but the reality is that decisions of others can totally change the course of your life and put you into a place that you didn't want to be in. Where is the relief that all of my friends said I would have?

Lessons learned? Yes, I've realized just how fragile the institution of marriage is, and how there really is a very narrow path after an A.

Newbies, follow the plans as advised. If you do a very good Plan A (not too long) followed by a dark Plan B, you have your best chance. As I look back, I can see my mistakes so clearly, but I just hadn't discovered MB in time.

My Plan A was far too long (several months) during which time I became so frustrated that I did a lot of LBs. Then when I finally did go to Plan B, I broke it several times and again the frustration of continued contact caused me to LB even more. In the end, WH felt that too much had happened and that I would never let it go, so he basically Plan B'd me. Once the D started, it just took on a life of it's own and became a big snowball that couldn't be stopped.

So, listen to the vets here. It doesn't always result in recovery, but it gives you a better chance.

good job, Chai

(((Chai))), I would think maybe the relief of the D will come soon...at first even though you expect the D, it must still be a shock to the system...I cant help that think maybe the opposite happens to XWH, he now maybe feels relief but soon will feel great regret and his will last a long long long time, JMHO...

And there is no use thinkin about how you followed the plans, you did the best you could at the time. And if you did follow them perfectly and it still didnt work out, you would be saying that you should have said something while you had the chance, ya know?

I know, because I didnt do a good Plan B either, but for some reason I just had an incredible need to break it, a lot...and I just think that I did the best I could, no one is perfect...Its his loss, Chai..your life will only get better from here, you are a good person...his life can only get worse, and I dont know if we will ever hear about it because waywards are good liars.

I truly beleive that you cannot act as horribly as they did and not pay in some way or another. And to have that much hate in them they cannot be happy, even now, dont you think? Prayin for ya, Chai, hang in there, okay???

Chai,
All of us who have not recovered, whether divorced or not, can look back and see things we could have done differently. Heck, if someone had forced me to read his needs/her needs BEFORE I even got married, what a godsend that would have been.
But...
Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
Tomorrow is where it's at. You have sound advice to the newbies, but they have to choose to take it. I feel a catharsis when I seen the plan A, plan B and exposure properly done, but I get frustrated when I see people thinking they can outsmart the system, like I did.
Maybe time to do some volunteer work while in between? Then you'll feel better because you're helping others. Maybe grab a hammer and start working at a Habitat for Humanity house or something. (Pretend the wood is STBX's face?)
((Chai))

I'm not blaming you for feeling shafted, Chai. I know you were. But a read-through of the judge's ruling leads me to believe that your husband was on the receiving end of a longer shaft. And I think he'll stay a lot more bitter about it for a lot longer time, too.

tl

Thanks Barbie. Good to see you around.


Thanks Still. I guess it is a shock to the system. And now, the door to an affairage has opened and becomes a real possibility. Seeing others here go through that news scares the h3ll out of me. That really has to be the absolute bottom.

You are right, we did the best we could with what we had to work with at the time. We can't change it now.

I'm sure in the end, we will both be OK Still. I know it's hard for you because you have little ones. If you would like to talk sometime, let me know.

lol. Maybe that would be a good idea. Unfortunately, I've tried to hate him but can't. Oh, there have been days where I have, but that usually blows over. Trust me, I wish I could hate him. This would be a whole lot easier.


Well, he ended up with massive credit card debt because the debt he has to take of mine is a credit card. When you add that to his secret A cards (thank goodness in his name only) that he ran up on Miss Mullet, he will have a huge payment each month. And yes, tl, he is going to be bitter to the core. If he hated me before, he despises me now.

Oh, I got the gun. Guess it's a good thing.....

Sounds like a good time to do some target practice. I think someone around here put a picture of their WS on a target and got rid of a lot of angst.

I'm so sorry that you're sad Chai. I don't think there's anything that anyone can say to fix it, so I won't try.

Just know that we're here for you.

Okay, I'll say one thing anyway. It WILL get better. You have my personal promise about that because I'm seriously praying for you and asking God to bring healing and JOY to your heart. I know He can and will.

Thanks, Chai, You have gone through so much and need some down time....But I am positive I will take you up on that offer at some point...You are so thoughtful.

I guess it's time to dust off the plans for "SDGuy's Shooting Range and Tranquility Retreat for Betrayed Spouses."

Ahhhh, thats a good one...But seriously, Im there.

Count me in too SD. We can get life size cardboard figures of our waywards and use them as the targets. The OPs too.

Hope, I'm getting closer to that idea of yours. You might be on to something here.....

Chai,

All in all I think you have done extremely well. Not exactly the 'perfect' outcome, yet as you have realized long ago, in the world of waywards that is rarely the outcome.

I totally understand your feelings of being back in a more negative/down place emotionally. That's ok. You are allowed,,,for a little while.

Very soon will come the day when you open your eyes in the morning & think to yourself, "This really is a NEW beginning for me!" Not only will you think that, you will BELIEVE it and it will feel GOOD!

I am with the others here that KNOW there is a beautiful plan for the life of such a beautiful woman. Trust us.

Until you reach that place, keep on posting and sharing. It does help!

I could not have said it better, Bugs!

Mastering the art of riding the emotional rollercoaster WHILE staying in touch with our feelings AND not fall off...

is the path to the liberating phase called:

'feeling the fear and doing it anyways'

...watching the door slam wide open

to unfold possibilities unseen...before!

Thanks Bugsy and Luna. I'll get there with the two of you as my role models!! I've done better as the week goes on, so maybe it was just a brief dip in the coaster ride. You get to know that the dips are temporary, but the big unknown is how long the ride will last.

Well, WH must not be happy with the settlement. DD just called and asked him for money and he said "Have your f-ing mother give it to you" then hung up on her. I don't think he will ever believe that I'm not hiding money. I wish I had hidden some because I sure could use it about now.

That man hates my guts. It just boggles the mind at how the BS becomes the target of all the hostility.

Yes, Plan B is a good thing....

Note this in your journal.

Date
Time
put stuff in quotes
He's got that "stupid" thing going on ....

Well, now WH wants to "deal." What it boils down to is that he doesn't like the judgment so is offering a "deal" and of course it means a not so good deal for me. It is basically what I offered two years ago and he wouldn't accept. Now that he has forced us both to spend thousands on atty fees, and he came up short on the judgment, he wants the old deal back.

How did he communicate his "deal" to you? I hope you shot him down quick!

Or simply say

TALK TO THE HAND OR THE FINGER IN HIS CASE....

Ok, back to reality. How do you KNOW this?