I also get a twinge of "stalker" behavior in R - so your own caution flags could be a lot higher.

You may find him doing his cross-country running on your route...

Your guard needs to go way up.

Bh,

I think you should start further back and tell us about all close friendships with men that you have had whilst married.

KA yes the flags are up as I never thought he would go as far as asking for my number yet he did, i didnt divulge where i live or where i take dogs for a walk, but I will keep an eye on him if he starts appearing in my vicinity. I really didnt think twice about his behaviour because it was just done in such an unexpected way, i see as someone making a move to act more like my indian moronic manager who is just so full on i have come close to slapping him a few times (the idiot has taken to calling me tigress at work in the presence of customers, i mean how demented can you get??), seriousey ewww. R gave me false sense of security becaue he appears to be so loved up with is partner, he wants to marry her and settle down while she isnt in that frame of mind yet, so i tell him to get her flowers and what to say to her to make her feel better etc, I didnt take his interest in my life as anything untoward hence why the red fag doesent go as far as it should. I am aware of how unmet EN's can land you in A's so i feel wiser for that.

SugarCane, I have no problem in divulging my Wayward past on here as unfortunately so far there hasnt been much chance for me to discuss them and I do want to as i do OWN my behaviour and it was not undisclosed out of malice but lack of opportunity to discuss.

History before I met WH

Had many many relationships (remember i was a teen thogh so none of them were sexual), i was never ever faithful in any of my relationships, i would kiss someone behind my boyfriends back on a regular basis no matter how much or little i liked that boyfriend at the time. I thought it was justifiction for when they eventually dumped me. Yes crappy behaviour and way of thinking but i was a teen at that time and the kiss chase exitement was all the rage.

When I met WS I was hospitalised as explained above, all the other patients went home at the weekend but i didnt as of mothers behaiour state in this thread, it was lonley so my room mate (call her TT) suggested i have a penpal and suggester her ex boyfriend (now my H) as a possibility, she had dated him a year previousely and they had remained friends, I wrote to him and we became good friends, we met a few months later and i instaintly liked him he didnt feel the same way as he was still hooked on TT, he knew i liked him but as he didnt make a move we became really good friends and he would call me to talk about TT and i would tell him about my latest fling, this carried on for a year and I had genuinly given up on a Relationship with him and settled into friendship. One day we both went to a leaving hospital party at TT house, there were alot of young men making moves that night (all of whom were H friends) I was in a relationship with someone and trying to behave so spent the evening talking to H thinking he was safe as we were just friends. The next morning i get a call from TT telling me H has called her asking what where his chances of a Relationship with me as he now realised he liked me alot, I was shocked but realised i had still liked him all along so ended relationsip i was in and the rest is history. However over the years i have kept in contact with that particular boyfriend that i dumped for H (lets call him MM) he was nasty to me when we were together but the minute i left him he began intense chase (hes not used to getting dumped and wanted to reclaim what he thought belongs to him), for the first 6 years of our relationship i kept in contact with MM, he would make me feel wanted when i gained 50lb, he was the only link i had to who i was before the kids etc, and he constaintly found me when i tryed to NC (i moved house but as he was a policeman he managed to find me). He did turn up at my house several times and i tryed to have WH present when MM turned up but they truly dispised eachother, When i was feeling weak and agree to MM coming over i did try to have someone in the house with me so nothing would happen however i was incredibly immature and played MM and WS against eachother to get maximum attention, it was a nasty thing to do but i was feeling so insecure, thats why after DS happened and all the hospital dramas i found that i was growing up fast, played MM at his own game and got rid of him for good, I stalked him for a change and found out he was married etc (for 6 years he maintained he had not gotten into any other relationship since me because i was all he wanted). I did kiss MM while married to WS, i did seriously consider sleeping with MM while married, but i didnt, i didnt find him attractive i didnt want him i just wanted the way he made me feel (special).

Two more men to go bare with me please

Another wayward incident happened with a coworker (refer to as DD) me and H had been dating 6 months I was so scared of the feelings i was having for him, that together with my usual way of life (cheating and more cheating) led to me getting involved with DD, again please remember i was just 18 at the time. DD was a manager at 21 and so wayward i found him attractive yet not in a long term type of thing, we sneaked around the office and i slept over at his house one night, we did have sexual contact but i did not sleep with him, we were just about to when H flashed through my mind and i simply ran a mile, I wanted H and i wanted to be with him and i was in love with him and was willing to take the risk of having my hear broken so from that day I behaved and never cheated like that again (yes i did kiss MM but that was out of familiarity rather than thrill and by kissing MM i mean peck on the lips nothing ever went futher than that although i did consider it).

Last man was WS best friend, NOTHING ever happened from my side he was married and he came onto me several times, i told WS every time and WS forgave him every time. I dont like him and think of him as an [censored] for doing that to my H but my H loved him too much to care about what he was trying to do so i gave up being angry at this firend and let them just get on with it, he has backed off because i keep telling WS when he oversteps the mark (most vile act was him saying why dont we go upstairs and do something something at a new years eve party we had a few years back that WS ended up missing due to drinking too much and falling asleep before midnight at wich point this vile friend approached me, my answer by the way was "f,,,,,Off").

so here it is all my past exposed to you guys and think of me what you will i have always said im no angel, however i am a mum and a wife and if you are still interested in helping me become a better person im here willing to help myself. I have told WS about everything as it happend and even now will talk to him about any of the above without hesitation. I have grown up since then otherwise i would be in bed with R right now rather than sit here hurting like hell and trying to pick up the pieces of my M.

I have only ever had sex with my H no one else before during or after meeting him and I would swear to that on anything.

BS: I think it's safe to say here that you have been anything but Brutally Honest in all of this. Kissing someone else and "seriously considering" sleeping with them while married constitutes an A. How do you expect people to help you if you aren't open and honest about your story?

I expect the anger writer and not going to tell you how you should feel but I am still adamant that I did not HIDE nor did I LIE about anything on this thread, I have been a member for what? 4 weeks if that and im supposed to trust and talk about all of that? at the FIRST opportunity that I had to tell you I DID.

You can say I had A with MM but the reality was that in 5 years I saw him a total of maybe 4 times and spoke to him maybe 3 times a year if that, so in prospective I never considered it A until MB.

I expect the anger writer and not going to tell you how you should feel but I am still adamant that I did not HIDE nor did I LIE about anything on this thread, I have been a member for what? 4 weeks if that and im supposed to trust and talk about all of that? at the FIRST opportunity that I had to tell you I DID.

You can say I had A with MM but the reality was that in 5 years I saw him a total of maybe 4 times and spoke to him maybe 3 times a year if that, so in prospective I never considered it A until MB.

Bh, you need to consider with honesty and humility how these facts would have affected our advice about your marriage.

You found the time to talk about your H's 4 internet EAs. Why was it so hard to find the time to talk about your own?

I'm not angry. I just don't think people on here can really help you if you aren't honest. In the past 4 weeks, you've been comfortable enough with the people on this site to share every aspect of your H's A, but not your own? That doesn't make much sense.

It doesn't really matter how often you saw MM or how many instances there were. Kissing someone else while you're married and thinking about sleeping with them is in the very least an EA. Obviously, this is pertinent information if you expect people here to help you.

Ill go back and reread my thread and see if you are right if i genuinley had a chance and i missed it. Someone emailed me from this site about something just a few days ago and i immediately told them about my past behaviour as i had chance to do so, this is what leads me to beleive i havent had a chance to disclose above infromation, I could have put it in my initial statement at the beginning of this thread but i did not consider (and a big part of me still doesent consider) contact with MM as an A. as far as DD goes yes i CHEATED on WS but it was early on in the relationship and i was so young and stupid ( do you remember how you were at 18?) and saw the fact that i ran away from him the night i nearly slept with him as validation of my good intentions in the end so didnt see it as severe as WS having sex with OW 10 years into marriage and then treating me like s... t afterwards, i never treated him like that. There is so much i could say about what WS put me through but out of avoiding a mud slinging match i will refrain. Im not here to make him look bad im here to get the full picture accross and get help.

The marriage needs to be looked at as a whole, Bh. It now seems that you both had an unclear view of fidelity for years, with his 4 internet affairs and this one lasting 5 years from you. You and H's understandings of marriage seem to have led you both to disregard your marriage when it suited you. Your long-term affair, and his, were factors that made it favourable for him to have a PA one day. I am astonished you never saw the relevance of BOTH your previous affairs before.

You spent a long time writing posts about your upbringing and your son's illness, and showing how the affair was a last straw after all the events. However, you never found a moment to reveal the additional detail of your affair.

Simple fact is that I have learned and dealt with my behaviour, I got myself councelling and did alot of soulsearching so didnt thin that getting MB help for me was and instant priority while WS is still displaying Wayward behaviour making helping him an instant priority. I have PAID MY DUES for what i did way before his A.

BH
in response to guy at work, keep your guard up, way way up, build a big wall. He is a predetor, if he had any morals at all and cared about this partner you would not even get a second look. You are in a position to be preyed upon. Ripe for your own A, EA at the least. He knows this. He is meeting all of your needs. Even enemys agree with each other when there is a common goal, and you are that goal. Be careful. As far as everything you have shared up to this point. Keep sharing, I don't feel you have been dishonest, just tunnel visioned. When we are hurt and recoiling we strike out with the obvious. Since those discretions were in your past, you might not have realized their importance. Now that you have been made aware of the different opinions here, take them into consideration. As I said, my opinion is different, take it for what it is worth. Keep dialogue open with WS that is why communication is so hard. It cannot be controlled, it's messy emotions run high and low but keep going. Let him express his views and emotions and you keep reiterating that he has nothing to worry about and that you can see where this conversation could lead down the wrong path, it is that easy. That is why people get cought before they even know what has happened. That is why bounderies and affair proofing is so important. Being nice is one thing, nieve another. You have been through to much to be nieve. This is how you fall down the rabbit hole. Jump over baby, not in

What is your opinion different from, bb? Where do you differ on what has been said so far?

Bh, a fellow who knows you're married, but who makes disparaging comments about your H's appearance and who asks you for your phone number, is patently toxic to your marriage. Did you happen to break a spare picture-frame at HIS feet? You should've shut kitchen-guy down unequivocally, and hard, by (1) making clear that his comments are most unwelcome, and (2) informing management that they've hired a staffer who makes passes at the married female staff. I gather you did neither. Why not? Because you enjoyed, however slightly, his attention & empathy?

Don't go there, ma'am. Don't go where I went.

You want H to take your marriage seriously. So you both need to take it equally seriously, and stop the one-upmanship, or else we're all just wasting our time. Please review Harley's Rule of Protection, both of you.

In the spirit of being honest the situation just flipping escalated as i was in mid discussion with WS reassuring R seems to be harmless my phone beeps and guess what i get a text from R!! WTF where did he get my number??? I suspect that he got it from the staff book as its left open for everyone and its used to call staff for overtime. Me feeling stupid, point proven and really WTF? WS says i got to deal with it. yep he is right so going to think careflly about my next step. Text was innocent asking if i managed to go to the gym tomight but regardless, only 5 hours ago i told him i didnt want to give him my number.
Plan to talk to managment about it tomorrow and ignore text from R. I dont want to have confrontation with someone that weird.

Bh,

Most importantly, does Steve know this information??? If not, I suggest you tell him straightaway.....this is VITAL information that he needs to help you H to have a successful M. It will serve you no good not to tell him at this point. Yes, you will probably have to go through the same excercises H is going through, but it will HELP you to be the wife you want to be and that your M needs......

That being said, you need to shut this man down NOW. For whatever reason, us BS have this aura about us when we have been betrayed. We become easy prey. Our esteems are shot, we doubt everything we've known, and have had our trust instinct destroyed. As our EN's are not being met by our WS's, we get some met by outside sources, we know we don't want to go there BUT if we aren't careful, it is EXACTLY where we end up......happens all the time.......

So, it is up to YOU to shore up YOUR boundaries, both personally and marriage wise. What kind of marriage do you want?

What is it you consider a SAFE marriage?

Ask yourself the HARD questions, put down a plan of action to follow, and then put into practice......

not2fun

ps....to me it is irrelavent at this point whether you were open with the boards, BUT it is totally relevant that Steve gets this information ASAP.......

Dear Sugarcane: I don't feel she has been dishonest, like I said on purpose or otherwise. From reading her thread, I truly feel she was pooring out all of her emotions, venting what was and had happened to her, between her and her husband, the most recent past. Now, that time and healing is happening, more of thier personal past is coming out that of course probably at the very least is effecting them both emotionally.

That is what I meant.

Dear BH:

Gloveoil is right, right, right, shut this man down, let your WH know exactly what steps you are taking and do not, do not, do not feel guilty about R's feelings. he absolutly knows what he is doing. and as far as this manager, go over his head to corporate and get his A** fired!