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Mamma, I love what you just wrote and the information you just gave. Thank you
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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I am gettin that book Mamma...Thanks...
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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ugh, speaking of "closure," my son signed up my XH on facebook and my XH is now "friending" all my family members so I see his name on their pages "Mrs So and So made friends with XH." Today, he shows up on my facebook as a "friend" suggestion.  No, I don't have closure and can't imagine what that would look like. I still have a lingering resentment at the anniversary of my son's death where he brought his OW to my son's funeral while the affair was thriving. We are now TEN YEARS OUT. I am not a person who holds grudges but I wonder if I will ever not resent that? Who knows... Anyway, I agree with EnlightenedEx, I accept that I will never get closure and don't look for it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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One of things that helped me the most is not talking about it and not reminding myself of it all the time. That helped me probably more than anything.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yeah I am not a person who holds grudges either, but this one I think will last a life time...
And ML, oh my goodness, you have good reason to hold a grudge for crying out loud....and that is such an important event that how could you ever forget how disrespectful he was to you...
I thought it was bad when shortly after Dday my fil passed and He was like my second father, I had known him for 18 years...I went to give WH a hug at the wake and he put his arms up in the air in front of everyone like I had the plague...I was soooo hurt and embarrassed, I already felt like crap because I just found out about A, now a person I loved had passed and my WH who I loved wouldnt even give me a hug...he had no problem hugging everyone else though.
Well come to find out that OW was at the wake ...she had never even laid eyes on Fil and supposedly this was a time when WH wasnt seeing OW anymore...we all know how that goes...
I think your XH topped that moment for being an a$$face, BIGTIME!!!!
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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That was a sorry thing to do to you, stillhere.  "assface?"  I need to add that I have a full, happy life today. I am much happier in my new life than I ever was with my XH. My surviving son has recently moved to my town [he lived in my XH's town 1200 miles away], is now engaged to his 6th grade girlfriend and is doing very well. My life couldn't be better! Maybe living well is the best revenge?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am so glad to hear that you are doing well, ML....and it must be wonderful to have your son in the same town, so close...I know that must make a world of difference....And we couldnt ask for much more than our children close to us and doing so well...
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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One of things that helped me the most is not talking about it and not reminding myself of it all the time. That helped me probably more than anything. Yeah, that is a good point...I kinda brought up some old feelings when talkin about FIL wake and am goin thru a little crying spell right now....It might be better not to rehash that stuff...
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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But it might be more about missing FIL too...it just $uck$, either way...I am so sick of crying...
And I did know about your DS passing, ML, but I dont know if I ever said how sorry I was about that....You have been through a lot with the A and DS, I am so glad your other DS lives closer now that must help tremendously....and I am really really glad you and DS are doing so well.
Last edited by stillhere8126; 11/23/09 09:51 AM.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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I was just thinking about "closure" this morning, something I had not thought about in a long time.
Then I read the passage that Mamma posted above and realized that, once again, I have no control over that aspect, I can't loan exH some of my "balls".
I have wanted to write something to him for awhile, just to let him know that I understand and forgave a long time ago. But I assumed he would use that as me accepting blame for him affair. That is what he did after D-day, as I aplogized for my part in our marriage, he said he was glad I could see that his affair was all my fault.
Get out of the dark place, Jean, moving forward....
Thanks for posting that Mamma.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Wildhorses -- the words you wrote above about WH apologizing brought tears to my eyes. We all want to hear that they feel badly for ignoring the effects of their choices on us. But even if WH spoke those words exactly, I would not feel "closure" until OW was completely out of his life. Oh, I agree, 100%. There is no way it could be heartfelt and meaningful as long as OW is still an issue.
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Thanks so much to all of you for your responses. I feel better about it now. Fox, you said it best in your post. Thanks. You verbalized exactly what I was trying to say but couldn't quite get it out right. You do have a way with words my dear.
Mamma, I will get the book. Thanks for the tip.
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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