Do you think it is possible that H is feeling like you are doing this NOW with the R??

Can you see WHY he would feel this way??



Yes it was a nasty thing to do, but can you see why WE here see history repeating itself somewhat???

Think long and hard BH.......this is not a "beating" you up session, this is a look at H's view on this.....

not2fun


[/quote]

I don t feel that anyone is Beating me in any way i do feel that people are listening to both of us and no im not expecting anyone to say well done BH you had A but they are insignificant because your H had one too. Its silly two wrongs dont make a right othriserwise i would be in bed with someone at risk of being linched on here im exposing myslef by confessing to this after D-Day i seriousely considered sleeping with a male escort the aim being getting back at WS for a and suggesting i go sleep with someone too to make him feel better about his betrayal, I wanted a male escort because i didnt want anyone that anything a part from sex could happen with and i wanted reassurance that my skills in the bedroom werent the reason WS cheated so paying someone to assess me so to peack made sense in my stupid brain, now how messed up is that?? would i tell you this intimate detail if im on here to look good or if im covering up who i am?? I didnt go through with it simply because i dont want to. I dont need to pay someone to tell me if i am any good, its a confidence i got to get to on my own otherwise it will never be a valid one.
Betty I am grateful that you are giving me the benefit of the doubt. I dont know how many masty things i can tell you guys about myself in order to prove im here to get help fully disclosing everything you need me to disclose not sitting here wanting just sympathy.

as far as R I am gutted really gutted he is such a weirdo, he was someone i could talk to at work about grown up things like travelling, gym and politics, i am forever surrownded by teenagers however i will resume taking my brake in my car or going home during my brake ( i live 2 mins drive from work) so to avoid him. I will try the direct approach with him, ie R im married and yes we have issues as u know but i have no intention of leaving, cheating, dishonoring H please delete my number, if you use it again i ill have no choice but to involve managment as you took my number out of private employee book. I can t be a Beast and get him sacked without warning, I have been too soft in my approach but the text has fraked me out, I dont understand where i said no means yes to him.

No, it wasn't innocent.

BH
I am soon realizing in the WW brain, no always mean yes, wrong is always right, up is always down and night is always day!

Maybe NC letter to R, might go along way to show WS you are not encouraging this behavior at all.

ok will look into NC letter but feeling stupid because i dont want him to think im up myself and think everyone wants me etc, he has never said bluntly "i want you" but will discuss with WS and see if that will work for him. Before anyone starts telling me to leave my job as said before I want to be a paramedic so please please pray that i get into the paramedic program in December.

BH
What you have described does not constitute any kind of A, so leaving your job should not be necessary. Now, if he doesn't stop and the idiot manager doesn't stop, and you go above thier heads and nothing is done, then you might want to consider leaving your job. However, hopefully by then your dream job will have come in to fruition.

Good luck!!!!!

p.s. if all else fails have WH beat their A** lol

Bh,

I apologise for posting about your situation on another thread. I did not think of how inappropriate and hurtful this would be before I did this. I will immediately delete my posts from that thread.

However, what did you mean by this?

I did get on to you about the party. Was that hurtful? And when did I subtly encourage you to leave the site?

For some reason I am not being allowed to delete. I will keep trying.

"the direct approach with him, ie R im married and yes we have issues as u know but i have no intention of leaving, cheating, dishonoring H"

Stop right there. This is encouragement to a predator. Telling OM that you have problems in your marriage.

Revealing weakness' only give OM the angle he seeks to work on you to wear you down.

"What you have described does not constitute any kind of A, so leaving your job should not be necessary. Now, if he doesn't stop and the idiot manager doesn't stop, and you go above thier heads and nothing is done, then you might want to consider leaving your job."

No, you want to then get a lawyer and sue for harrassment at work.

Bh, if you would just clarify what you said about my hurtful posts, and subtly encouraging you to leave the site, I will apologise and leave your and your H's threads alone. I don't think you should be getting well-meaning but non-professional advice that conflicts or competes with Steve's. I will stop contributing to that problem.

the road:

yessss you are right! lawyer time!

brtualyhonest28,
you sound a lot like me ( i admit I only read your first post, but it really struck a chord with me and I wanted to reply right away).

I know what you mean about the "not seeming sorry". My husband never really said he was sorry, and he certainly never seemed too upset about it either. That makes it worse, as if he is here with me, why? If I understood that, maybe I could feel better. Is that what it is like for you too?

My husband is in the army, and he can't just switch jobs to be away from her- if I go to his boss at work, it could be pretty serious. So I'm stuck here.

I hope that you have found some peace of mind, and I plan to read the rest of your posts, as I have a feeling I might learn a lot from them.

Thank you so much for sharing.

SC this was the post that hurt, i did try not to take it the wrong way but it stayed with me for days. I am here to get advise from VARIED people i really am and I do like you and considered you as a fair person and took your adivse on but I couldnt help but feel that the above post was a shove off and passive agressive one at that. I do not want you to stop posting but I do want you to please give me a chance, i am learning as i go and i have only been her 4 weeks. I will make mistakes and accept the chriticism is well deserved at times. I do agree with the xmas party, i do agree with MB principals and I do agree that not everyone thinks the same. thats why i overpost to try and explain things but this ends up looking like justifying my horrid actions. So here i am saying sorry to you if i have hurt your feelings and letting you know that i see you as a valued member of this comunity.
I am 28 i have been a wife and mother for all my adult life, I have rebelled, been immature and stupid at times but i am not a lost cause. I refuse to be a lost cause because of something that happened 4 years ago. I did deal with it and this R thing is hurting me because I am still so insecure that I refuse to beleive anyone would find me attractive, so Rs advances arent taken seriousely and now i will go there talking about how he should back off when im not even convnced he is trying anything on despite the overwhelming evidence, what i really want to do is to just ignore him at work and by text i just want to pretend this never happened but accept i have to deal with it. Even when customers ask me out i think they are after the free food. If i walk down the street an i get leered at i check that i dont have a stain on my shirt, then to go from being dumped for a car (one of the many things happening at time of MM) because WS though that me and kids were holding him back from getting his dream car, he thought if he moved in with his parents he would be able to work longer hours and not provide for family save all his money and buy this car. I literally got a letter saying he wanted the car more than me and the kids, MM was offering to take me on and the kids cant anyone understand why this was a tempting option for a young mum? havin MM involved helped wake WS up but it came at a price that i have paid for already. I feel that i am 28 wasted my life being with someone incapable of loving anyone but himself and have no way out. Whos going to want a single mum of 4 with my demented history?? But there is also the side that i love this man and can see so much good in him especially towards others im just waiting my turn till he decides that it is now ok to show me that goodness. I want my family, i want all the future xmases and all the future plans we made together (travelling, seeing the world etc) i put up with giving up so much to raise a family that its those future plans that keep me going. Can you be part of my future and not give up on me SC?

The road, R knows about WS A and other issues as everyone at work knows about A. Especially when I had stroke after A never mind all the blood shot eyes look that i had on several shifts.

"The road, R knows about WS A and other issues as everyone at work knows about A. Especially when I had stroke after A never mind all the blood shot eyes look that i had on several shifts."

More fog babble

The OM knowing and you telling the OM that you are having problems now are not the same. A predator looks for weakness in his prey. Your confirming what he knows is sending the message that you are ripe to be picked.

Whether you are or not is not important. What is important is that you are giving off such signals.

There is no reason for you to justify anything to the OM.

No is no.

I'm really sorry that I made you feel hurt and that this post stayed with you for days.

I posted that when the physical incident had just broken out between you and H. You were still at the point where you wanted him to leave. You seemed very shocked at what at happened, and I was worried about the atmosphere at home with little children to consider. Some of the posts you were getting seemed to upset you. I thought that, since you had a phone call booked (for the next day, I think it was), you should hold off getting advice from amateurs for just half a day more, and get Steve's expertise. It was just so lucky that you were booked to speak to him so soon.

I'm sorry that my words implied that I would like to see you leave the site. I was not suggesting that at all, passive-aggressively or otherwise. I wanted you to stick with the professional advice that Steve was offering, that I thought was better for you than our differing advice that might be hard for you to choose between. I know that, in your situation, I would find it hard to know whose advice was best, with everybody speaking from their experience, all of it relevant, but some of it conflicting. Most of Dr Harley's writings do not directly address an issue such as yours the other day, when a sudden flare-up of violence took place after a long period of unhappiness. There was no clear, published Harley advice for us to go to (or at least, no so far as I have found), so we were speaking from our own viewpoints, not the MB standpoint. However, you had a direct line to Steve and I thought that was a blessing at that crucial moment.

I still don't know what you mean by "repeated hurtful remarks" but I don't need you to search for them. It must be that my words do not properly convey my intentions, which are not to hurt someone who is in your situation. Since I am not good at getting my meaning across to you I won't risk hurting your feelings any more. It is not a case of giving up on you, but the recognition that I have not been helping. I don't think I can change my style enough to be of use.

bh,

SC will be a huge loss to your thread if she leaves. I have not seen anything remotely hurtful in a single thing she has said to you, and I sincerely hope that she can reconsider her decision because she is offering you sound counsel, and is one of the best people here in offering clear and explicit MB advice.

As a fellow brit, I have followed your thread but have been reluctant to post, even after ST recommended that I may be able to help you. The reason for my reluctance is your aggressive and angry style of writing, which appears to be indicative of your overall personality.

I don't mean to criticise you by saying that, I know some people do have anger issues, but I personally find it very difficult to deal with such people as I can sometimes be overly sensitive, and as such I didn't think would be the right person to offer you help and advice. We're just very, very different, and I didn't think I could offer anything constructive from my perspective of recovering from an A given the very different dynamics in our recoveries.

As I said, it's not a criticism of you, merely an acknowledgement of my own limitations.

However, upon reading of the recent developments, I had a thought that I wanted to put to you.

Dr H says that R is almost impossible in a relationship where addictions are present. The addiction must be addressed before true R can begin.

It appears to me from reading your story that there has been A LOT of drama in your life. A crisis situation produces a physical response in us; adrenaline and cortisol are released amongst other hormones. Many studies suggest that this adrenaline rush can be addictive. You'll have heard of adrenaline junkies?

Is it possible that you are somehow addicted to having drama in your life?

This is a genuine question asked in the spirit of trying to help. It's just that in your story, it seems that since childhood, you have had drama after drama and crisis after crisis, and when something dreadful isn't happening, you appear to create or get involved in another drama or crisis.

I wonder if Dr H would consider this to be some type of addiction that would hinder recovery?

Feel free to ignore this post if you think I'm totally off base, but it may be something you can sit quietly and ponder.

Good luck

I really need time off from MB, so please dont think that i am ignoring you, however as an insecure person I feel that the balance of negative vs positive comments on here has become overwhelming for me. I am not saying MBers are wrong or unfair, im just saying that right now I dont feel very positive about who I seem to be and what is going on on here. I need to get my strength back and build up a bit of a thicker skin for me to be able to hear all that information about myself and be proactive with it. I am feeling very down, like I lost I friend but I really cant carry on hearing about all the bad traits that I have and do any actual personal healing as no matter how far i have come and how much I want to improve I cant find a way forward because I feel like who I am is the problem that everything can be related back to. WS will get a pat on the back for trying as he is trying, I get a character assassination (however deserved I just wish people can be constructive, as in tell their negarive view but balance it by also telling the positive one that to me is constructive chriticism). I am my biggest chritic and enemy and I so wish you could have read inbetween the anger and aggression and see that I insecure and super chritical of myself. I do have peace in the knowledge that my friends who know me and see me and talk to me on a regular basis are all aware of my past behaviour and none of them belame me or chriticise me for my actions as they know the full story with regards to WS selfish self obsessed and cowardly behaviour at time of MM. They also know and have seen all the disasters that have stricken my family uninvited MIL especially as she has seen all the unexpected messes that have happened as I confide in her alot. I am getting drained defending myself. I have one last thing I am willing to share and that is I am happy to email anyone interested a picture of my family so you can see for yourself if we are all what you have come to picture in your mind (good or bad).

To Clay and BlindsBetty I am sorry I wont be able to participate in your posts for a while, I will be thinking of you both as I really care about what you are going through. Keep posting and keep getting advice on here please as you then have the best chance to recover. xx

I reach that point periodically. It's the point at which I realize yeah, there is SO MUCH WRONG that it's overwhelming; I can't work on everything at once. And I also often feel as if people take an entirely wrong read on my relationship, so I need to take some time to process the advice, figure out what's relevant and what I should ignore.

Sturgeon's Law applies here as in just about everywhere else in life: "Nothing is always absolutely so," and "90% of everything is crud".

I'll chuck my advice into the bit-bucket before wishing you a good time off.

Your on-again, off-again relationship with another man means you've mutually betrayed one another in varying degrees. That often makes recovery harder, but not impossible. It just means you're both following similar plans toward marital recovery. Go knuckle down for a little while working on your marriage rather than talking about it on this board. See you when you get back.