Untill she is told the truth...
Then I may also become just the step parent.

My biggest fear is hearing the following sentance in about 16yrs.

""I don't have to do what you say, Your not even my real Dad! I HATE YOU!!""

THIS!

Gack, if you have loved her and raised her as your own DD...she won't mean it. YOU are her dad in every sense of the word and possibly even more so when she learns the truth. You will be the man to walk her down the aisle some day. Trust me, I know many who were raised by men that were not bio dads but were still the REAL dad. My own son who is now 26...he barely speaks to bio dad. He realized one day who really raised him was my H.

Gack, I said that to my stepdad once. I'm teary just remembering it.

He IS my REAL dad. He was the one who took me to the doc, who went to my ballet performances, who was there when I won the 500 free.

Where was my bio dad? He opted out because life was too hard.

You do those things and tell ME you aren't a REAL dad?

Once your child is grown, he/she will KNOW this...especially when it comes they have their own offspring.

Then they will be glad for the blessing that you are.

I know I am very lucky. And I never said that my H was okay with my A. Of course he wasn't okay with it. I can't imagine that anyone would be okay with something like that.

I think it was perhaps easier for my H to forgive me however, since he understood what it was like to be a wayward, just how thick that fog could get. He had already walked many miles in my shoes, so I think he was able to look at the situation from both sides and better understand it.

Forgiveness takes time. It took me many years to forgive my H for the utter h*ll he put me through for 10 years. My anger seemed endless as well. I just hope that you don't allow your anger to drive you away from your W in the way that I allowed mine to take me away from my H. I was so distrustful of him after he finally came clean about his A that I distanced myself so much from him that I eventually had an A as well. That doesn't excuse my behavior in any way, but I had simply gotten to the point where I didn't feel any connection with him at all. In fact, we were so distant, that I truly didn't think he would care that much about my A. I thought he'd been wanting a way out for years and now I was giving him one. I do not want this to sound like a justification, but when your H is constantly telling you to go on eHarmony and find someone else (as mine was prior to my A) it really is kind of difficult to feel wanted and loved. The fact that my H didn't run after my A and stayed and fought instead surprised me more than anything. In those months after my A, I finally saw a H who was acting like he truly cared and wanted to be with me. I had been waiting for that for 14 years. Were there other more productive ways that we could have reached that point. Yes, of course there were. And I wish we had. But we're here now and we got here the way that we did and that's all I have to work with.

I do not feel you are unfit to be a father to your OC. I am in no position to judge your fitness as a parent. But I do not believe that you will go unrewarded for your actions. You have a child who thinks of you as his/her father - sorry, I don't know if your OC is a boy or girl. Every time that beautiful little face smiles up at you, think of that as your reward. Every milestone you get to be there for - those first steps, first words, first day of school. Those are your rewards. You will be this child's father in every sense of the word except for DNA. That child will love you unconditionally and will know (if you plan on telling him/her about the A) that you chose to be his/her father. Hopefully, you will also have a WW who, if she doesn't already, realizes how lucky she is to have you in her life and will appreciate what you have done.

Teenagers will say a lot of hurtful things they do not mean. But trust me, if you are there for her and love her as your own, she will know in her heart that you really are her father. My H was raised by a step-father and he considers him his dad in every sense of the word. You will never be a step-parent to your daughter because she will never know any other father except for you. You will hold that place in her heart, not the OM.

"one that I am certain I will not be rewarded for"

You will be rewarded for it, every time she snuggles with you, every time you wipe her tears, every time you and her have a tickle fight, when you teach her to hit the baseball.

You will have so many rewards that you won't be able to count them.

The flip side of that is that just like happen when people get M'ed that already have children, if your wife is not giving you equal parenting and authority because of her guilt or what she thinks you might be thinking ( this isn't clear......

is the 1% of the time occurring, as you are resolving the issues of the A? is it over issues that she brings the OC into? or that you do?
you are early into this. I would not expect issues to not still arise that go back to the A, it effects all our actions, but it becomes less and less frequent. This little girl will be yours, she is now, but your still healing. The little girl doesn't know any different, only the grown ups

Fled

just wanted to jump in here and say fled you are so right about the rewards he will reap.

gack i think you are wrong about the "affair trophy". i never thought of grace in that way.

yeah you may be right that things occur that flash us back every now and then but the oc is never the object or scapegoat for those flashbacks.

if they take you there about your oc then you may want to have a deep look into your own heart

i have no idea about any percentages of divorce when the op is a ww with an oc vs a wh with an oc. no idea of whether more bsh's walk or stay when the ww brings home an oc.

from my experiences here and other sites like it for the past 9 years i would say that i have actually been witness to more bh's staying and raising their oc's then running.

here's another thought. once i made the bond with oc, even when fullhouse (fh) and i were on really rocky ground in our recovery i never gave d a serious consideration because i would never walk out of her life the same as i would never walk out on my com.

I don't understand the question.

And that is why you where able to deal with it, most men can't. What I experiance are breif flashes from trigers. These negative thoughts are always directed towards my wife, never the child.

But they may be about her, or rather how she came to exist.
(Would you like an example?)

Also, like I said, we are early into recovery, and I am still very angry.

�Most WW's wont give up the child, and most men can't live every day with there wifes affair trophy.�

No matter how it�s sliced the OC is the evidence that the OM got in, got out, got a married woman pregnant, and the BH gets to raise the OC so he can keep his WW and COM.

��My biggest fear is hearing the following sentence in about 16yrs.
""I don't have to do what you say, Your not even my real Dad! I HATE YOU!!""��

�Teenagers will say a lot of hurtful things they do not mean. But trust me, if you are there for her and love her as your own, she will know in her heart that you really are her father.�

If his WW did not have an OC this BH would never have to live for 16 years dreading this day may happen. And, even though his OC may not really mean it and will later regret saying it, the pain felt by the BH hearing it will not be unfelt when the regret is realized by the OC.

�He did the same deed. It doesn't make it any better just because he didn't get the OW pregnant. An A is an A. The OC isn't the problem,�

No this BH did not do the same deed. He did not bring home an OC for his W to raise. His WW does not have to live in fear of hearing: I don't have to do what you say, Your not even my real Mom! I HATE YOU!! His WW does not have to face the stigma of her raising the OW affair trophy.

So, his A wasn't as serious of an offense because he got lucky and didn't knock up the OW? Would you like to tell everyone on this site who is dealing with an A that didn't produce an OC that their situation isn't really that bad, since at least there was no OC involved?

Do you even have any experience dealing with the OC situation? Is there an OC in your life?

An affair is an affair.

An affair with an OC is an affair with an OC.

They are not the same.

The process of recovery has been changed.

An Affair with an OC is much more then did the WS have SF with a OP, what type, when, how often, etc...

TR, you didn't answer my question. Do you have any experience dealing with an OC situation?

I appreciate all thie responses this is really helpful but if you go back and read some of my previous post i was willing to accept the A and work through it and even after finding out about the Pregnancy i was still willing to accept that but after finding out about the lies and deciet that is the part that hurts more than anything and the part that i do not know if i can get over. The thought of me working two jobs two support her so she could go to school why she was laid up with some other man really pisses me off and disgust me. Also thinking about her actually having a connection with the OM and thinking that she was considering leaving me until things went sour between the two of them. I know in my heart that she is still lying to me even though she says that she is telling the truth, I believe that the affair is over but the details of the affair have not come to the surface. If it was a one night stand or even a week long fling that is one thing but if she was with OM for several months and considering destroying our family to be with him how can i find it in myself to take her back after that.

I must say I agree with Gack, i know that i could love this OC because i believe that children are innocent but i also know that when something occurs that stems from OC i can see myself getting angry and taking it out on my wife. I already have two stepsons in which i have to deal with from this woman and i already know that the time is coming near that i will hear that dreaded statement " I don't have to listen to you, you are not my real dad" it just seems like it has always been something with this woman and if i continue in this relationship it will always be something.

I would like to stay and try to work things out for my COM but i know that the hurt will continue on until we finally decide to end it so i feel like it's better to hurt them now and start rebuilding there lives rather than continue on with the fighting and arguing for several more years just to end up in the same place down the road.

I even think that if she would have just came clean from the get go and told me that she had been seeing OM for a while and she thought she wanted to be with him and then she realized that she was making a mistake that i could have taken her back and been willing to rebuild but again the fact that she did not tell the truth from the begining and still continues to lie today i just can't do it!!!

I don't have much time right now, but I must say, Nned, that I have yet to see an A that didn't involve a great deal of lying and deceit. Your WW is still lying because she is still having contact with the OM and is still deep in the fog. Until she is willing to go completely NC and really work on your M, she is going to continue doing things that hurt you.

It really is up to you if you stay or go. But, the hurt doesn't have to continue on forever. No one in their right mind would stay in a situation like that. It also isn't the definition of a recovered M. It doesn't have to be that way. If you and your WW both commit to working on your M and recovering from this A, things could be different, but only if you both want them to be.

Oh, and my H raised 3 step-children, all of them teenagers/adults now, and never once did either of us allow them to play the "you're not my real dad, so I don't have to listen to you" card.

Writer,
You are right about that and i believe that she has went no contact but that is only because she knows that i am on the edge of leaving i feel that if i said things were ok and that we would try to work it out then she would still be in contact. I kinda understand her still lying about what happen i gave her the opportunity to come clean and she didn't and she continues to lie about things she is trying to tell me that he was abusing her mentally and physically and that is why she continued contact with him even after the A because she was scared and did not want him to do anything crazy so she would talk to him to keep him calm, I mean really a may be naive but i'm not stupid. Alot of the things she tells me sound kinda farfetched but if she is telling the truth i do not believe her because she put herself in the situations to not be believed, for instance OM tells me they were meeting up at this peticular girls house several times a week and during the time of the A i remember her going to this girls house several times a week but she is saying that she was never over there with him. I mean it is possible he could be lying but again like i said she put herself in the predicament to not be believed.

Did she write a NC letter? Do you have access to her email, accounts, phone record, etc.? Have you exposed the A to everyone you know? Have you taken all of the steps recommended to end the A?

Kinda but not really, i guess it is partially because of the embarassment you know i thought if we were going to work it out and stay together it would be easier if no one knew and we just raise the child as mine and no one knows what really happen, plus the few people that do know about everything think i'm crazy for even still being with her at all. So i know that it would add that much more stress if i had people in my ear telling me i must be stupid for staying. I am so confused and and lost right now, i know that i no longer want to be with her but i can't bring myself to leave, but not because of her but because of my two COM

You should read up on some of the principles on this site, specifically Plan A and exposing an A.

NNEED,

What is your W's plan for rebuilding the marriage? What is her plan to help you deal with what she has done?

If she does not have a plan, you can plan on her not being of much use in rebuilding the marriage. In fact, I would guess you assessment that you would be better off without her is correct.

You have offered no evidence that she has done anything but say "sorry", if she did that. If that is the case, proceed with D. here is my thinking.

This poor OC does not need to be in the middle of a marriage where the H has so much resentment that he can hardly deal with the childs mother. This child does not to see a marriage where the H rages or withdraws, which is what you are going to do if you carry the resentment with you. You WILL have deep resentment unless your W has a plan for working on this marriage, and making you a major part of it, and I don't mean just supply the pay checks.

I would tell you that no matter what you "feel", you need to look at her actions and as well as her words. Are they matching up? Is she doing things to make you feel that she isn't just using you?

Look at the data NNEED, and the data will tell you what to do.

God Bless,

JL

I just want to make sure this is about you and your BH/WH. I have never had an affair.

No, It's just not as bad.
It's like comparing a plane crash that kills 5 and injures 7 with a plane crash that kills all 200 on board and 5 people on the ground. Both are tragedies, but one is worse.

They just are not the same.

A WW will lie untill they are no longer wayward. That takes N.C. and time for the fog to clear.

But if you cant take it, then you cant take it and should consider Plan-D. I support you either way.

Just remember the data you are getting from a fogy WW that still has contact with OM is corrupt. And any plan you get from a still fogy WW will be complete poppycock anyway.