Hi all,
I just received this message from SIL.
I am tempted to answer by telling her I no longer live at the house and that I still love H and hope he breaks up with OW...but I am in plan B and I am not sure if communicating too many details to in laws could jeopardize it....
How would you answer her message?
Here it is:
Hello Atena,
I just wanted you to know that we are thinking about you. Bill, the kids and I drove up to XYZ to see my parents this past Monday. My mom and and I talked about how sad we are. It is impossible to know what to do to help you and brother. We hope you are getting the support that you need. It is so important that you know how much we love and care about you. As you know, my family is notoriously terrible at talking about our feelings. We all want to hide away until everything is resolved. The chief tool we use is plenty of time and a heavy rug. I know that does not help you. That is why I want to let you know that even if you haven't heard from me often enough, I am right here with you on my mind. I love you!
Amy

My inlaws are also notoriously terrible about talking about their feeling, partly what is wrong with WH...but anyway my inlaws have become my biggest allies....Yours seem like they also might be good allies...so it might be good of you to let them know you want your family back together...

They seem like they want to help you, use it to your advantage....

Hi atena,

it's great that your in-laws are supporting you. Mine haven't contacted me at all and have welcomed OW into the family.

I would respond as you have suggested and to say that you haven't given up on your marriage.
Thank her for her support and say how much you appreciate her keeping in touch. Something like that.

TM

Thank you Stillhere, I agree with you, they are good allies especially my SIL. The only concern is that if they tell my H I still think about him and that I love him he might grow more and more distant because he will think: wow, what do I have to do to her to get her to understand I do not want her any more....and she is still hoping to R the M? She is really a doormat!
In other words, I would hate for him to think I am just waiting for him to change my mind and have no life....
blessing

Yes, I understand that waaay too much, Atena.....But it would just be reiterating your Plan B letter...Maybe show your inlaws a copy of that....and then just keep reiterating that, not how much you miss him or how bad you want him back, just the Plan B letter stuff....

I made the mistake of crying to MIL and stuff...and she was constantly LBing my WH for me....you know like a mother telling her teenage son that she doesnt like his girlfriend and that makes him cling to her more....

Restate your reason for going plan B.

However why not talk to SIL? Just don't talk about WH.

I do talk to my SIL and do reply to her, but now I do think that it would be good to let her know where I stand and that I have a door open if H wants to work hard on M and himself. She can be a good ally and so are my IL. They will not tell H what to do, but they will make sure to let him know that they will be happy if he decided to R with me. That is very important.
However, that said, we do need other people to make us happy and very few of us are able to find hapiness within ourselves. H is now made happy by OW and he is happy to be going home and then meeting up with her at his new place. He just hated coming home to me but he does not hate coming home to his new bachelor place and then having her come over...
Let's face it...I could not make him happy! She now can...and now it is all it counts.
I do not know how much the IL can help..but I did send her a message with a plan b tone.
blessing

Cut that out, Atena....Yes you cannot MAKE your WH happy and you shouldnt have to..he needs to find that within himself but instead he is looking for that in someone else...Its only a temporary happiness, it wont last....

You need to find happiness within yourself not from other people, he is not working on himself he found a quick fix....and that is only temporary...It has nothin to to with you or OW...it is your WH who has the problem he is just to stupid to figure that out right now...

You should not need outside things to MAKE you happy...So please please do not put yourself down...It hurts because I did the same thing and you are just plain wrong when you think your WH being unhappy has something to do with you

atena, look at my situation - there is me and the kids - our first home we just bought 2.5 years ago and which isn't even finished - we could do it up so nicely together for all 4 of us.

And then there is him alone without his kids and wife in a rented appartment abroad which has no personal touch at all - maybe having the occasional OW coming over for sex to keep him happy after work or getting drunk with his work mates.

I know which situation I would choose... it's not rocket science but each to themselves

I second and third that about in-laws. I don't have the Plan B situation going on. Nor the affair, but LOTS of other issues. My in-laws have been my rock. My family has been useless. If you've got a good relationship with your inlaws, you don't have to spill your guts, but make use of the support system. They love him because he's family and they love you too.

I just emailed my SIL and she already replied (please see below)
I do not want to be seen as a victim because it will go straight to my H who will not see me as appealing at all!
Please suggest a good non-victim response for me!
My SIL message:
Thank you Atena.
I know you must be going through a very difficult time. Really, if you want to get away to see son or to XYZ - I would help you get a ticket. We would love to see you. You are very much in our hearts.

Amy

Do you guys have any advice on how to answer my SIL's message pasted below? I do not want to sound like a victim because she will tell H I am hurting and still love him etc....I do not want him to think I am staying home eating boxes of candies and crying...
SIL message:
I know you must be going through a very difficult time. Really, if you want to get away to see son or to XYZ - I would help you get a ticket. We would love to see you. You are very much in our hearts.

Amy

Atena,

Do you want to respond? You already replied to her previous e-mail.

I think it may be a good idea to visit them. It would re-inforce your position in WS family and would be a good opportunity to show how strong you are (even if you don't feel it).

Do you want to take up her offer for a ticket? I don't know what your financial or work situation is as to whether you would need help with a ticket purchase or would be able to get away for the time required.

I live overseas and the ticket would be expensive. Visiting her will show my H how much his family is supporting me. I guess it will be food for thought for him, or maybe he will grow even less interested in me.
I am not sure. I could only visit her in the February or the summer but not now
blessing

Well, in that case, I would thank her for her kind offer and say that you might like to take her up on it in the future.

Thank you for your post. I will.
I was just wondering why my H is not contacting me at all. I have been on plan B now for 2 months. I see that some WH get really angry in plan B and try to contact BS, but not mine. Mine acts as if I never existed in his life.
It makes me think he was really ready to not see me any longer and that coming home to me must have been a nightmare to him. NOw he is in his own place and sees OW recreationally and during week ends.
WS do not think like us, they have another mind. Is it possible that they just think that what they are doing is fine and there is nothing wrong with it? Is this a permanent change where we will never see the person we married again back into his right mind?
I am growing very worried and desperate at this point as I can't believe he was so fed up with me to the point of not giving a darn about me. I was so perfect in plan A which I did for tooo long. Nevertheless I was really an angel....he does not miss me a bit.
Sad but true.
Is this common?
blessing

Atena, I don't know all the details of your situation, but I have come to believe the following:

Most affairs end (Dr. Harley). They do so because they are not based in reality. Thus:

• The affair will end. If this occurs, two things will happen:
  • WS will seek to return to the M.
  • Or WS will not.

If the first, then you are ready to begin recovery. If not, then perhaps your recovery begins by accepting the dissolution of the marriage, healing yourself, and moving on.

• The affair does not end. In this case,
  • As with the second item, above, your personal recovery begins.

Now I know I'm being very black-and-white about this, but in my situation, I've had to face the very real possibility that the M can't be saved. Because we are dealing with two deceitful, dishonest people (the WS and the OP), I have found the following belief somewhat helpful:

• If the WS and OP stay together, they get what they deserve.
• If the OP and the WS part, they get what they deserve.

thank you Fred. I think plan b is so great because it allows recovery to begin right away. I live my life now as if H were not coming back. I have a strong feeling he will not. It has been a while now and he has always been pretty unhappy in the M and this is his 2nd A that i know of. In recent years his interest in OW has increased steadily and looking back now I can tell that it has been several years that he really does no longer loves me. I do not believe plan b will make my H fall in love with me. There is no chance of that.
I am very sad for the end of my M but this is a necessary step to move on and feeling the pain, venting on this forum and getting support take me a step closer to recovery every day.
Thank you all

atena, Plan B is NOT for getting him to want you. It is for teaching yourself how to move on with your life. If you go into it thinking it's going to trick him into wanting you again, you're setting yourself up for misery.

Stop thinking about him and stop trying to control him. Focus on yourself and make a great life for yourself. If he comes to his sense, fine; if not, then you've made a great life for yourself.

atena, one of the reasons you stay focused on him is because you see him every once in a while at work and at the apartment. Are you working on resolving that?