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First of all, DO NOT GO BACK TO WORK. Show your H this site and why NC is CRUCIAL. It is going to tear him up inside knowing you are there with OM. DON'T DO IT, I don't care how much your H wants you to right now. Know that he is not in his right frame of mind and right and he isn't thinking clearly. He is a mess, whether it shows on the outside or not.
Secondly, do NOT talk to OM in person and tell him it's over. Write a NC letter (post it here first so we can help make it appropriate), and have your H sign it as well. Your H can and SHOULD call OM and tell him he should NEVER EVER contact you again, but you should not.
Thirdly, buckle up. This is going to start getting crazy very quickly...your H will continue that back-and-forth, he wants to make it work, he doesn't, etc. Keep reading and learning here and following the steps to recovery. This is a very hard road.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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Ohhh...I had originally thought that the conversation was the easiest part compared to what is to come, and was really surprised to see someone claiming the opposite...how nice that would be of course..
So..I really wanted to wait until we had eaten and he was feeling a little relaxed. But, I don't know, he asked me how I was feeling and it was so strange because he never does that and it made me feel so terrible --I couldn't say it so I asked him to read what I'd posted here. Everything is a little blurry after that; he got angry of course & asked me for details & it was awful but I was honest. I got very sick and vomited a lot throughout the whole ordeal. BTW the last time I was with OP was on Sunday..and when I told him that he stated that it was over and started packing his stuff, I panicked and begged him to stay. I admit that in my desperation I did bring up the porn (I apologized for this later.)
He seemed very confused throughout the whole evening--first he told me he was going back to Mexico & told me to decide whether Evan would stay or go with him. Then he said he needed to call his sister for advice but he didn't..then he left for a half hour to think. then he said he would stay but he would date other girls if he wanted. Then he said he would leave again, then finally said he would stay on 3 conditions: he wanted to see all the pictures I had sent. He wanted to go talk with OP in front of me to make sure the stories lined up. & he wanted me to sign a letter stating my consent that he take Evan out of the country if I strayed again. I did write this letter, I have no idea if it would be considered valid? But it makes him feel better. I showed him the pictures I sent but I don't think he wants to go talk with OP anymore.
The rest of the evening he just kept asking me how I was going to keep from doing it again. I wanted to quit my job but here we hit a snag. He wants me to continue there at least until I find another job because we need the money. We discussed ways to keep me from doing anything in the time I continue there..he suggested asking another coworker to keep an eye on me and I thought that was a good idea but then he second guessed & thought maybe they would side with me. (I don't think so.)
Anyway though..he wants me to tell OP in person that it's over and he wants me to record it on my phone. I am going to do it if it makes him feel better but I don't see how it would..I mean it could all be an act as far as he knows. Not like I plan on acting it out..I do not feel good about going back to work though. (btw for the time being..I am not supposed to work with OP until Friday-to be clear the whole affair was carried out AT work)
After that he kind of zoned out and went to watch tv.. I wrote a letter to him; basically apologizing for everything including bringing up the porn earlier & telling him I was committing to the Policy of Radical Honesty & also everything I feel for him...and how grateful I was for the second chance.
When I went to give it to him I was surprised to see he wrote a letter as well, describing what he felt...i am glad he did it hurt terribly to read it but I feel it was valuable information.
After he read my letter I was incredibly amazed but he decided that he wanted to have sex--one of the very things he wrote in the letter was that he wanted to touch me but wouldn't because I'd only be an object at this point and I asked him if that was the case & he said no...I don't know..but we did and he says it made him feel better.
Now he texted me today & asked me how *I* felt--I feel like this is just too much-- I do not deserve to be asked how I feel--what is going on. Why all of a sudden, is he paying attention to me. Is that normal?
So at this point where do I go..where do I start recovery? You've only just begun this journey. Right now your H gets to call the shots as far as what you need to do to help him. He wants you to call OP and record it? Do it. Write a NC letter to OP as well, and let him read it, approve it and mail it. Tell your manager. Expose yourself, your AP and your A. Ask if you can be transferred. This may get you fired. And I can't say that's a bad thing. The OP is poison to you. You should be NOWHERE near him. I can't imagine your BH being willing to allow you to continue working with OP - that's like reaming out a drunk and then telling him to get back behind the bar and start serving up drinks. However, bear in mind that your BH is probably in shock. It's going to take him a while to process this whole mess. If you are committed to being O&H, transparent, remorseful and work harder than you've ever worked to help your H heal from this terrible thing that you've inflicted upon him, your M may - MAY - make it. It's all up to your H, now.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I won't do schoolbus the disservice of trying to interpret her comment re: the inital conversation being the hardest thing, except to say that it was merely the hardest thing I'd done in my life up until that point. But that point is only the beginning; I don't think anyone who's gone through this (either as a BS or WS) would suggest that initial disclosure is anything other than the first step up a very steep & high mountain.
Bear in mind the he's going to be on a wild roller-coaster of emotions (as you've witnessed a bit already) ... alternating between rage, feeling miserable/inadequate, wanting to hold you & stake his claim on you, being repulsed by the thought of touching you, caring to know how you feel & what you're thinking, and not giving a rat's rear-end. This will go on for weeks & months, not days, so be ready for that.
You need to let him vent.
You need to let him know that you're there for him, there if/when he wants to talk, and there for him if he wants to be silent & have some space.
As has been said, you need to resist all urges to blame him for your actions.
You need to resist urges to try to explain your actions, because any explanation is likely to sound to him like an excuse. (Explanations are not the same as excuses, but a person who's just been told that his spouse has cheated on him isn't in any condition to make the distinction - it'll all sound like an excuse to him, and there are no excuses for what you've done.)
You want to be trusted by him again, so you need to be willing to commit an act of trust, by placing your heart in his hands on a daily basis, for him to accept or reject.
You need to tell him whatever he asks. Resist the urge to "protect" his feelings by hiding aspects of the affair. The truth will come out, and so-called "trickle-truth" will only add to his mistrust and delay your recovery, by keeping hm constantly wondering about when you're telling the truth vs. when you're not.
Think about what I said earlier about bringing in a few, trustworthy people who can help you with accountability.
P.S. And yes, you need to quit the job. It doesn't matter what your husband thinks on this. Look for another job right away to show good faith, but realize that even your husband may not realize how important it is for there to be no contact. Continuing contact will mess with your mind & is a continuing risk to your & his marriage. In a year, the money won't matter. Whether you & H save your marriage, is what'll matter.
I can understand him not wanting the added disruption to his life of having to live on a drastically smaller budget on account of your infidelity, but trust me, the two of you are not rich enough to be able to afford for you to keep working with OM. If you do, then the extra money you'll continue to earn will be vastly outweighed by what the two of you will end up spending on divorce lawyers if it comes to that.
Last edited by GloveOil; 11/24/09 03:29 PM. Reason: added P.S.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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You are right, he does not understand the importance of NC. He is resisting the idea of me quitting very strongly and says me not wanting to go back there is making him doubt me. He is using it as a kind of test if I understood him correctly. As in he wants to test me by having me continue working with OP and see if I'm strong enough to resist.
And of course, I feel right now like I am, but as I am told I will go into withdrawal it's a stupid thing to do; he is seeing that as a lack of remorse/commitment/etc.
About exposure. Is it better for him to expose or myself. ? ..should I straight out tell his family and apologize or would it be better if he told them first? --I don't know that he would agree to do it at all, actually. He doesn't seem to understand why I need to do things like that.
Last edited by daughterofZion; 11/24/09 03:48 PM.
>>>Zion<<<
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I understand the money thing, especially in this economy. Can you get transferred to another department? Can you get moved to a different shift? Those would be temporary until you could find another job but they might help in the very short term. You should be looking for another job EVERY DAY. Here is a sample no contact letter; you write it and your husband mails it. [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
Finally, have you given your cellphone or pager or whatever it is you text with to your husband? That will help him feel a little more secure. ...then finally said he would stay on 3 conditions: he wanted to see all the pictures I had sent. He wanted to go talk with OP in front of me to make sure the stories lined up. & he wanted me to sign a letter stating my consent that he take Evan out of the country if I strayed again. I did write this letter, I have no idea if it would be considered valid? But it makes him feel better. I showed him the pictures I sent but I don't think he wants to go talk with OP anymore. Good job on signing the letter. That should be a HUGE incentive for you not to stray! You should be very clear that "straying" means texts, emails, phone calls, in person chats, or even asking a colleague about OM. Your husband has already said he wants to talk to OP. I don't think you should be there because you are NC with OP. But you shouldn't let this slide. Your husband might interpret that as you trying to wiggle out of one of his conditions. YOU take the initiative here and give your H information so he can talk to OP if he wants to. Tell your H that you prefer to never see or speak to OP again.
Last edited by turtlehead; 11/24/09 03:55 PM. Reason: adding italics
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He doesn't seem to understand why I need to do things like that. Can you get him to come here? You might tell him that both MEN and women post here.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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My H had some of the same reactions yours did; I am sure a lot of BS's do initially. He was shocked, then he reached out to hold me because I was curled up, then he woke me up in the wee hours very angry, then he wanted SF. It's part of the crisis of being given such horrific news.
I agree that he calls the shots right now, excluding abuse of course. As far as exposure goes, I did some and H did some in our situation. I did to my family, some friends, and boss. He did to his family, some friends, and his boss (because it was affecting his school/work). We also told our pastors.
Just continue to be honest and humble and open with your repentance. Be there to talk or listen, but don't push. He may seem "better" for a few days here and there and then crash again. This is normal. Give him access to everything.
As far as the job goes, I understand the money concerns well. We would have greatly suffered if OM hadn't left this school and I had had to quit. But you really can't be in the presence of the OM again. A test of your will at this point would be foolish. But your H is likely so thrown for a loop that he can't think through things like that right now.
I am so glad you told him. Keep coming back here.
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You know, oddly he is the one who discovered this site. It was after he found that one picture I sent and I believe he was looking for warning signs of cheating trying to validate his suspicions..now he does not want anything to do with it because he knows I was spending a lot of time here the past week and since I cheated on Sunday he says that it must not 'work'. Although, I don't know; he seems to be on a seesaw right now and maybe that was just yesterday.
I doubt he would post though.
>>>Zion<<<
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You are right, he does not understand the importance of NC. He is resisting the idea of me quitting very strongly and says me not wanting to go back there is making him doubt me. He is using it as a kind of test if I understood him correctly. As in he wants to test me by having me continue working with OP and see if I'm strong enough to resist.
And of course, I feel right now like I am, but as I am told I will go into withdrawal it's a stupid thing to do; he is seeing that as a lack of remorse/commitment/etc.
About exposure. Is it better for him to expose or myself. ? ..should I straight out tell his family and apologize or would it be better if he told them first? --I don't know that he would agree to do it at all, actually. He doesn't seem to understand why I need to do things like that. One of the reasons exposure is done to help ensure future accountability - the more who know, the more who can watch you in the future. If you are comfortable exposing yourself and your actions, I applaud you. I am worried that your BS doesn't understand NC. That is the ONE thing that will end the A. It is critical that you remove yourself from OM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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The D-day conversation was a 500m dash. Now it's time to start the decathlon.
The talk had to have been extremely hard, but in a short-term way. The upcoming weeks and months will test your endurance as your BH goes through the aftermath of your betrayal.
NC is a must. At any cost, do not see the OM again. Each time you see him, it will wipe out every effort you have made to even begin restoring your dignity and honor. You need to do what is right, no matter what. Perpetuating the A and the sinful feelings it continues to arouse in you must be avoided. Every time you have any contact with this man, you will stir up those feelings all over again.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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@daughterofZion As a BS, I also had very weird thoughts as to what I wanted. In fact, one thing I proposed to my FWW was that she spend some time alone with OM to prove to herself that she does or does not have real feelings for him.
It was stupid. It was clearly a result of very weak boundaries on my part. But it was a desire to do something -- ANYTHING -- to tell me I was more desirable than that other man, or at least force my then-wayward-wife to "poop or get off the pot" as far as her cake-eating behavior ("having your cake and eating it too") between myself and OM.
Your husband won't be ready to recover for a while. Neither will you. You just saw OM on Sunday... you haven't even begun to feel the withdrawal pains yet. You're capable of feeling remorse today, but when the hunger of your addiction to his comforting presence arises again, you'll find it hard to resist.
THAT is why no-contact-for-life is so important to your recovery.
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I agree with barnboy. When I found out about my DH's affair, I had so many strong opinions about what I wanted to do, and alot of them conflicted with one another. I wanted everyone to know; I wanted no one to know. The A started with time together singing in church, so I wanted my DH to go back to church with me (where we would be sure to see OW and OWH) 3 days after D-day just to prove that he was with me. 24 hours later, I wanted to leave the church and never go back.
The great thing my FWH did was to give me power to do these things. He left these decisions up to me, and since I was the one that had been powerless in the A, it meant the world to me.
The stress of all this makes a BS rather crazy and your DH is no different. He may not know what he wants, but you would do well to support his desires right now. That goes a long way in rebuilding the trust that you destroyed.
That being said, DO NOT work with your OM. After I was able to process some of the more irrational thoughts, my DH and I were able to realize that no contact was the only solution to the A. Money is important, but your M will not withstand the constant doubts that contact with the OM produces. You need to go through a withdrawal, and you won't if you are still seeing him.
p.s. You and your husband need to read Surviving an Affair and then put it into action. It saved my marriage!
Last edited by Trust_Will_Come; 11/25/09 11:58 AM. Reason: added p.s.
ME: 45 FBS
FWH: GloveOil 43
D-Day 1/7/09 (A: 10/08-1/09)
DD: 16
DS: 12
Married: 19 years
In love for 24+ years and counting!
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