This is a longer version of your first post.

""so she can have money to supply the children and I can have freedom.""

I believe we can now see the true bother peeking out here.

I would like to add this.....

In a NIBRS statistical report, a study was done from 1991 to 1996. The finding were that of all reported sexual abuse crimes reported, 96% of the predators were male. In these cases, convictions only happened 26% of the time....(beyond PATHETIC... ). They had no data on what the ratio of those convictions between males and females.....


not2fun

Yes, I would like to ask for help from you.

I won't bash MB, My marriage problems would have been averted by my knowing MB concepts in advance, because I wouldn't have married my W if I knew what I know now about her and me. But instead of fantasizing about what could have been, the truth is that I am now married and we have three children 12, 8, &2. I am committed to these little ones as they are blameless in all of this. Since my W cannot support them by herself, and she has no way to get a job that will support herself and them, I will never abandon her for the sake of my own EN's. I will just continue to support her financially and she will be the SAHM for the kids. I can't take care of the kids by myself or else I would do so.

I felt hope from Harley's concepts... because I felt that MB would help me get my EN's met along with my wife's EN's. Instead I am coming to conclude that it's not working. The only part that worked is the part that stopped the EA. My W is now getting her EN's met, and I am left with the same impression of my M that I had before MB... which is, that my W will not meet my EN's and I might as well accept the fact.

But then my TAKER comes out and demands relief. I do confess that I think about D as a way to free myself, perhaps then I would be free to find another person who could or would meet my EN's? Perhaps I would be a happier person and have more life satisfaction overall.

Harley's work suggests that I must supply dynamic conversation and whatever other EN's my W requires or else she will have another EA. If I neglect my W's EN's the way she neglects mine, then she will, without reservation or compunction, seek to have the needs met outside the marriage as she has already done. This would likley result in separation and/or divorce, and would bring pain and suffering to the children which is not fair. Thus I will pay tribute like paying money to a Mob boss, and thus help avoid greater injury to my children by supplying these EN's. But even if I do supply the EN's, it will only make things stay the same and won't ever make my EN's met the way Harley promised. Try it for 6 months, Harley says. Go ahead and starve emotionally, it's OK. You should give your wife her EN's even if you dont' get yours. If that doesn't work, try it again for another year or so - maybe two. In the meantime, don't you dare look or think about that pretty woman who shares your interests and who might actually want to meet your EN's. If you do, then you are cruel to your poor wife who only wants to have conversation and basic human dignity. If you supply this, Harley says, you will have your own EN's met too. HOGWASH, HARLEY. And, rather naiive for someone with as many years experience and training as you have.

Skip this paragraph unless you want to hear more of my Harley-complaints. But I would like to see an article by one of the Harleys entitled "Why Men Leave Women" (instead of the opposite). He speaks of men's selfish and insensitive behavior of seeking recreational companionship outside the marriage (i.e, one of the articles about the wife being left home with the kids while he bowls or plays softball or whatever). He doesn't speak to the man being a victim of emotional abuse through neglect of his EN's. It would be one thing if my own W didn't know about my EN's, but she quite smart and has a Masters and has read MB information and material, thus the excuse "well I just didn't know what your EN's were", cannot be used. I realize an article title like "Why Men Leave Women" that appropriately blames the wife doesn't have as much sizzle and hence never makes it into the marketing. Much easier to blame the man. We hear the situation characterized as a sex-crazed selfish man who is out sniffing around for someone new all the time and finally lands someone. Harley's work squarely focuses on men's mistakes, men's neglect, men's proactive action to seek "something extra" and "cheat" on the spouse. But he doesn't speak of the woman's neglect and refusal to supply recreational companionship. I realize I'm poking at his francise and not at you forum members specifically.

MarshMallow, no she won't go to a MB weekend. Her attitude uis characterized by the fact that "we can't right now, uh, no one to watch the kids". "Uh, well it's just so expensive". "Uh, well, I don't know, it seems a bit extreme". Or "Let's just try things on our own." Then when I bring up pains, problems, suffering or starvation, it's "you're really hitting me hard all the time" or "why are you so critical"? "I can't change all at once, you know." Or "our children are small, I'm trying to focus on them right now". Or "I'm just so tired, can't we just be normal"?

She was caught in an EA 3 months ago, (EA, according to Harley, by my neglect of her basic EN's. I admit I was as frustrated as I am now, and stopped trying in the marriage. I thought then that things would just be stable with neither one of us getting our EN's met (boy was I wrong, she engaged in an EN and demanded a separation, just at that moment found my computer open with all of my posts from MB forum and suggesttions on "how to snoop" etc.. She was shocked at how much I knew and how prepared I was. I think today that she hates many of the underpinnings of MB because she says she was planning to end the EA anyway and it was ripped from her just as she was ready to set it down.

You people taught me to snoop and as a result I found out the depth of it before it got too far. I had Plan A'd the hell out of the situation and now today we are back me supplying some EN's that I wasn't before. FWW stands against several of the core concepts such as one spouse working to save the M, thinks this is "manipulation and controllingness" and doesn't get it that my Plan A'ing her ended the affair. While she will read anything I ask, it's as if it doesn't ever change her behavior. Like there is a filter there that looks for some part of the whole that can be rejected... then throws out the whole message as tainted. Example is WW inflicting pain on BS during EA. "Oh, so Harley says that an A is the most intense pain anyone can endure?? Huff... I doubt it... how do they know anyway???".

One thing remains clear. She is neglectful of my EN's and I see no change to this. In order to protect my children from her cruelty of a potential EA, A, or S&D, I must continue to meet her basic EN's much like a court jester who entertains the Queen. Perhaps this is how some women feel when they are married to an abusive man who pays the bills for the children. She supplies him sex (or other EN), and he remains the sleeping giant. Well I just hope she remains the sleeping queen.

You certainly can understand why my mind wanders toward some future when the children are grown and self-sufficient so that I can be free. I think it's OK to think about a future where I get my ENs met from someone else. I can imagine this happening and am suffering from some attraction to a nice woman who I fantasize about meeting my EN's and marrying her. Funny... I've met the woman for a total of 10 minutes and like some adolescent crush, am projecting ahead to a life of satusfaction and joy with her or someone like her. Perhaps this is an indication of how starved I am for EN fulfillment - some bank teller smiles at me and I spend the day thinking about whether she will be available in 10 or 20 years. I know Harley and many others say it's as bad to have a mental affair with someone but I do feel quite powerless when my mind wanders to this woman and the next time I can be with her platonically. I will never engage in infidelity but yes there are mental images of someone else. Thinking about someone else to meet my EN's fills me with a lightness and relief that you can't imagine, like water to a thirsty person in the desert. I can hear Melody's fingers starting on the keyboard... such a relationship would be based in lies, dirty lies!! And you would be drinking from the toilet!! Well, Mel, at least I wouldn't die of thirst.

I also think about winning the lottery too, and splitting the winnings with my FWW so she can have money to supply the children and I can have freedom. Perhaps, too, she will have a nice juicy EA or A with a rich guy who can take care of her and our children financially as well as I can. Then I would gladly and happily kill off and burn these marriage bonds and dance for joy when the ashes scatter and dissapate in the wind.

-Bother.

I'm so sorry to hear that, Jim.

I wish your W would come here. Couldn't you ask her to as a Christmas present to you? Maybe she could give you at least 25 posts.

Check out some of the stats on false rape allegations.

Or better yet, ask her to talk to SH, or agree to go to an MB weekend.

Tell her she doesn't have to believe in the gift you are asking for.

Just give it, b/c it means the world to you that she does.

You might not like the result of those changes, but why aren't men mounting vigorous campaigns against the unequal treatment of male abusers and paedophiles?

Jim, you are entirely too young to be stuck with a wife acting the way yours is. You have no kids holding you together either, you should really get out NOW before that changes.