Please give me your thoughts on co-existing in the same household if you have a legal separation.

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Hi SC!!! Glad to see you posting!

I dont have much to contribute here but I would think that a legal separation would mean you would NOT cohabitate. Otherwise i dont really see the point.

Are you considering this with H? How are things going?

SC, did you have this thread moved to divorced or is my computer just acting up? I've obviously missed somethign and will go back a few pages to see if I can get back on track.

Anyway, with regards to your question, you defitely DO NOT want to be living together in a state of separation. Absolutely no way! Why would you put your shoes on if you still have rocks in your socks? Either leave or get him to leave.

Yes i asked my thread to be moved here and you will not find anything about it in my thread as this is the first anyone has heard of it.

We have decided to quit working on the marriage and go our separate ways. However because of a lot of things it is easier to stay in the same house until we have to move out.

I have moved into our ODD old room and we are living separately under the same roof as of this past weekend.

He refuses to leave and so do i so there is not going to be a change in that regards. What is the best way to handle living under the same roof?

Immediately take photographs of everything you own because stuff will start disappearing.

Do any of your children still live at home?

I can't imagine living peacefully under the same roof in a state of marital breakdown. This is when the ugliness happens. The only situation I ever heard of that worked (sort of) was when the XH moved back (after living apart) and moved into the inlaw suite in the basement so he had a separate entrance. The kids had run of the whole house but the exes had their own space.

Things get really ugly (I said that, didn't I?). Wait until he starts bringing women home - because he will. How will you feel when the bimbos start calling for him and you answer the phone? How will you feel when you stumble downstairs in your pyjamas and you find her half-naked in sexy negligee? You cannot imagine how the division of your possessions will cause fights. I'm not talking about the house or other major assets - but that crystal vase on the mantle or a favourite DVD. You may think your WX is more reasonable than this, but they never are.

This is not a permanent solution just a short term thing but will probably be for at least 6 months.

As far as the belongings we have nothing and i want nothing so that does not matter at all.

As far as the other women i do not think that will be an issue either. It could be but i doubt it very seriously and will have to cross that bridge if and when i get to it.

And our children are grown and 2 of them still live at home. This is simply just kind of me tired of trying and him accepting that and us moving on form there but we have to be in the same house for now.

I'm so sorry. IIWY, I would start taking outside classes, join clubs and go to lots of meetings, exercise every day, keep myself busy, and start making myself look AMAZING! Not to get him back, but to let him see while he is still there what he's about to lose. To drive him crazy.

Show him what a WONDERFUL life you are going to have without him.

I agree about documenting everything. Even if you think you have nothing, he can become spiteful. You just never know. Look at SW's H. Keep a diary and log every interaction of matter.

Other than that, pretend he's not there. Do NOT back down, if it comes to the remote control, or whatever. Consider it YOUR house, not his.

What happened between this on 19 November


and yesterday?

Cat this is MY choice not his. As you know and we have discussed before he had one of his temper tantrums, only this time is was worse than it has ever been and things got very ugly and many many many things were said by both of us and it made me realize that i was still the only one trying in all of this.

Sure he has made little changes, but all in all he has never gave me what i consider "just compensation" for his A and his continued neglect of my emotions. And i am really just tired of dealing with it so i moved into the other bedroom (because he refused to leave) and told him i was done.

Well not a lot has happened and i still do not consider that i have a BAD marriage, it just could be and should be better.

It is MY choice just as it should be rprynne's as to what to do in each and every situation.

Also for the record this is NOT something i WANT it is something i feel i HAVE to do and is what is best for ME and my situation.

And i really do not feel the need to document anything or take pictures of anything, as long as i can walk away with my clothes i am good. I truly do not want anything.

When he had the A and left me for the OW i separated our finances and took care of a lot of other things at that time. I never changed anything back.

So our bills are split even 50/50, we make exactly the same amount of money and the kids are grown and have jobs of their own so even if they live with me they will be able to get their own groceries and things like that so i am not concerned about anything except co-existing for the time that we have to be at the house together.

Currently my H totally understands my decision and is only upset with himself.

Here's the reason I gave that advice. One, I think you still love him, despite the jerk he is. So, if he did suddenly get a brain transplant, you'd want him back. And two, for that to happen, he has to realize what he'll be missing. Right now, he's still got his head up his rear, and it's all me, me, me. IMO, if you suddenly started enjoying being without him, it would be the biggest blow you could deliver to his ego, and COULD make him say whoa, wait a minute, she's serious! She DOESN'T want me any more. WTH did I do wrong?

Note, I say 'could.' If you ever wanted your marriage to work, and wanted him to WANT to make changes - such as taking anger management courses, the best way to do that is while you're still in the same house.

ETA that I totally get wanting to leave. I've wanted to leave for a long time, and still am halfway there because of how my H is. That said, there's no reason you can't take my approach in your situation - showing him that you will be having a new life without him - while still there. You'll start having a better life, plus it just might effect a change in him.

Yes you are correct in that i still love him and would like nothing else than to remain married to him.

I get what you are saying about me being serious, i actually have been doing that this week, i have just been acting as if i am there by myself and ENJOYING myself, i really have been. It almost scares me in that maybe it is really what i do want. I really think it is just because i am so tired of trying but the lack of emotion from me is kind of scary.

{{{SC}}}

Hon, that's not a LACK of emotion. That is a HUGE nest of emotion, which your subconscious has buried deep down and masked with numbness. It is your mind's way of protecting you.

Think of a soldier stuck in battle, arm shot off, and has to pick up his fallen comrade. He could freak out, lay there and scream for help. Or he could mask off his fear and pain, get up, grab his friend, and carry the friend out of there. Time later for freaking out.

That's what you are going through. Time later for the tears.

Thanks cat!!!

Hi S_C. Sorry to read about the latest development. As for living together while separated...I don't think it's a good idea. People I know that have tried this were miserable and wanted to strangle their wayward spouse (wayward mindset, not necessarily cheating). Separation is stressful but I think it creates way more stress to keep living with the person that is stressing you out to begin with. I would look at other alternatives.

SC I've read several of your threads here and there but I don't recall you ever going to Plan B. Is there any reason you didn't at least try that? It can be done in the absence of an active affair. There was an example in a fairly recent newsletter (if those threads survived the crash).

I smell a cake eater in your WH. But I also smell a bit of cake eater in you to. You want to stay married to him but you want to leave at the same time. This in-house separation may seem attractive to you because you sort of get both. I'm very fearful that it will backfire on you.

Regardless of what you choose to do and how you decide to do it, please protect yourself. It doesn't take long to document and photograph your belongings. I know he seems reasonable now and there's nothing specific you really want. But things can change rapidly and before you know it it's too late. My WXH was once a reasonable man and initially said he didn't want anything. Go read up on Chai and Holyheart's WH's - they were once reasonable as well.

Tabby i did not go into Plan B because my H has not been wayward for almost 3 years now. He does have wayward tendencies that he has had our whole marriage and they have always been issues but have become more of an issue since the A (it is what i call our friendly vs flirty battle for one and his temper for two).

I do not think he is a cake eater as much as he thinks he has a "right" to be in the house too and he does, i asked him to leave because of the temper tantrum that got extremely out of hand to say the least.

I do not believe that i am being a cake eater either, i have told my H many many many times about the things that bother me and he will change for a little while and then go right back to his "selfish" ways.

We are in the middle of giving up our house through the bankrupcty courts and when that happens we BOTH have to leave the residence. So we both felt it only made good sense for us both to stay there until the time when we have to vacate.

As far as the things go i seriously do not want anything and there is nothing to have anyway. All of our belongings are "early american yeard sale" as i like to call them and i have a lot of family so i can get everything i need to start a new household from all of them.

The material possessions really do not matter to me in the least. I would rather have my marriage just not the one i have right now even though it is not bad it is not the one i want either.

SC, here is the link to that newsletter: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2264789#Post2264789. Read to the very end - in the example he uses for implementing Plan B, there is no mention of an affair.

As for cake-eating, I believe most cake-eating is not as obvious as some of the waywards we read about here. Most is far more subtle. It is so subtle, in fact, that many Plan B's are ineffective because they permit just enough contact to satisfy the cake eater. In your case, I see your H cake-eating in the sense that he's content to do nothing at all and stick with the status quo, but he doesn't really want to lose the status quo so when necessary, he'll make some minimal effort. It is sort of like never cleaning your house, and then when visitors come just throwing everything in the closet out of site. The house may look clean, but it's actually filthy. You can get away with this for some time, maybe even a long time, but eventually you get mold, bugs, rodents and other nasties. At this point, you have a serious problem and any solution is going to be expensive, disruptive and if left long enough, destructive to the whole house.

On your side, you are doing similar but different. You want certain things in your marriage, but you are afraid to take real risks to get them. For you, it's like wanting the double-chocolate chip cookies on the top shelf, but you're too short to reach them. There's a stool, but you are afraid of heights. So you stare wistfully at the bag of cookies while nibbling on stale crackers that were on a shelf you could reach. The longer you stare at the cookies, the staler those crackers become. Eventually, you run out of crackers and then you're chosing between starving or stepping on that stool. Whatever you do, the cookies are not going to come down on their own.

Does any of that make sense?