Mrs.V,

I guess all of us will give you advice on what we would like.

So let me start by saying what would you do if there were no A involved in this?

I have been through a few things like this, and being told by my W that "everything will work out and don't worry", wasn't very helpful. I would also imagine you joining him in the sorrow of being made "useless" is not going to work either. Zippy pep talks would strike me as very encouraging.

I guess I would suggest you consider being very "honest" with him and very supportive in the "we will get through this and I will help you anyway I can, I am NOT going anywhere except where you are going." I suggest that you two get a plan together, assuming he will be unemployeed for say 6 months.

Can you help control spending, can you do come with plans to make money stretch, can you ease his concerns about the money. Can you make it clear he has what you NEED, whether he has a job or not?

Mrs.V, I suggest you look at this as an OPPORTUNITY to be the W you can and want to be, as well as make your marriage stronger in this time. Most of us guys are devastated when we lose a job, because it defines us. Yeah, I know it is wrong, but it is how most of us were reared...support the family. He also is dealing with the fact that you chose another man to invest your emotions and your love in.

You cannot help him heal, you cannot avoid him being down, but you can support him, encourage him, and love him. If he knows you find him someone "lovable", someone who has tried and is changing for the better, someone YOU ARE PROUD of, then you have the chance to minimize the effects of all that is happening.

Notice I am not really talking that much about your A. I am really telling you what I would tell you had you not had the A. The A just makes things a bit harder because your credibility has been compromised. You are doing well. After today, memories of the last year will not be of you in your A, but you working on your marriage. Next year the memories will be of what you do this year. And the next...

Do you see the plan? Oh! and make sure that you tell him how he can MAKE YOU HAPPY. I know this sounds weird, but most BS's think they have failed to do this and thus their self-esteem goes down. Oddly, you asking him to do things for you. YOu showing your appreciation when he does something nice for you. You smiling and expressing happiness when he does something good will actually help him.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL