Not feeling good. still annoyed. not exercising. back hurts. eating ttoooooo much.

kick up butt needed.

miserable cow. still mad at j.

did pressie cupboard today - not too bad, only about 5 to get, but i don't really feel good about that.

cross that i have let those words yesterday continue to irk me, can't shake it. shut off from him again.

I'm sorry ST. Since you're upset and your back is hurting - would it be possible for you to go for a walk to help blow off some of that steam? It might help loosen up your back a bit too. Or maybe take a hot bath/shower, or do a little yoga stretching? Those will help you relax, too.

Thanks Broken_soul,


It's 10.45 here, I should go to bed. If i have a bath now it will bug him, I'm sure he's p'd off now that I am here. I'll do some yoga in the morning. back at ya

Have a good night, ST. Do some deep breathing.

I'm back on the exercise. Thank you Broken-soul, I did some yoga and cardio yesterday and crdio this morning.


This UA time is virtually impossible. When we have the odd hour together in the evening we seem 2 quite diferent people to me.

I think we need to look at our UA time aagain and figure something out.

Well, it will be by phone on sat and sun if at all as he is at work - what shall we talk about?

I'm at work while he is off in the morning and then when I am off in the afternoon he'll be asleep and then he'll be at work in the evening and I have a gig.

Monday morning he'll be asleep, afternoon we'll have DS - Monday evening neighbour coming to discuss drive, J will be tired from work.

Tues - me at work in morning, 1 1/2 hours in the afternoon together for UA.

How are we ever going to get properly back on track? How are we ever going to really fall properly in love?


So I come here when I don't see J and then it gets really hard to leave here when he is about - and that 30mins that we may have I find that if the other option is watching tv with him then I'd much rather be here for half an hour.

Life here is much easier to pick up and keep up to date with than real life.

ST needs to step away from the board. Then, what the heck am I going to do with myself? I like people.

Enjoy people together?

Increase our at home entertaining? Maybe.

Thanks Cat, How's things with you? Haven't been to 101 in ages

Backatcha, ST, and thanks for asking. Actually, I've spent the last 4 days in my D19's college dorm. We had Thanksgiving dinner at iHOP as it was the only restaurant open last night. She works at Best Buy, and they wouldn't let her off work, so I came up here for a few days. Both of her roommates went home for the holidays - as did 99% of all the other people in the dorm, so she didn't want to be alone for a whole week. Weird, but kinda fun. I never realized how much I'd miss a kitchen, though, lol.

Sounds fun, nice to do something different. Don't need to tell me about missing a kitchen - we spent most of october in a hotel.

ST is all totally jumbled up and has several questions trying to get out. Even thinking about posting on SAA.

I'm on FB tonight and on my newsfeed a pic of FOM pops up. I feel instant nausea, the colour drain and start shaking.

(FOM is blocked, but a mutual friend decided to post pictures of a band night out - mutual freind now also blocked, along wiht another mutual friend who was also out last night)


I have been sat for the last hour or so trying to analyse my reaction and feelings about this. Not sure whether this is healthy or worth doing but it might help me understand myself more.

I have also phoned J to let him know what happened and my reaction. We had a short discussion about it which raised a few questions.

This is a list of emotions which I have been chewing on and their possible explanations:

The physical shock reaction: because through MB and my own work on A I have begun to think of A as a very very very nasty car accident. Totally filled with horror.

Guilt: Because I really reallybelieve in and very strongly advocate NC and I have very carelessly broken it. These mutual freinds have been very good at never mentioning OM, but it isn't their responsiility to vet their own photos incase I see them.

Sadness: The serious grief about all the time I wasted with OM when I should have been playing wiht my children. For letting him be a part of their lives. Those critical years of particularly DSs life when I was giving so much attention to OM when it should have been him having my attention: From when he was 19months til when he was past his 3rd b'day. More guilt.

Anger: that I allowed FOM to spend more time with DS than J had opportunity to.

And more anger because some tiny part of my brain says: it would be nice to sit and have a chat like old times. It's mental - pure mental.

J suggested it would have been good if I could have gone on that night out last night (where the photos were taken) so that I could prove that he means nothing to me and nothing else would happen...

J doesn't understand why it doesn't stop dead. Why is it that he can forget and forgive but I still feel anger at myself for ever going there.

Please bash bash bash away. I should maybe post on SAA. they'll be less gentle.

Should I have posted? My apologies to you BSs who are angered and sickened by WS pity parties. I wanted to get it out there (selfishly) and someone may find any post or debate following useful.

I think it's good you feel those things. Not because I think you need to be punished, but because it shows that you realize the impact of your behaviors. I think it shows you're un-foggy.

I think phoning J was the right thing to do. Maybe it's time to get rid of FB? Have you and J discussed this option?

The tiny part of you that's saying it would be nice to talk with FOM - that's the addiction being re-triggered from seeing his pic. Let J know you're thinking this. I think this is exactly the reason you need to get rid of FB - because now it's going to be a temptation for you - and a trigger, really. Also - you know J's reaction ("too bad you couldn't have gone out...") is NOT wise. NC for life - remember? You "prove" OM means nothing to you and nothing else will happen by steering clear of him, not by having contact. I know you know this...just reiterating it for you.

If we could be logical and rational 100% of the time, affairs wouldn't happen, because we'd be able to keep ourselves out of the fog. We wouldn't become addicted to a person we shouldn't become addicted to. The difference is, now you have the skills to fall back on - now you know what to do, what actions to take.

1. Get rid of FB. If you're using it to keep in contact with friends or family, make sure they have your email address/phone number, then get rid of FB. It's going to trigger you.

2. Step up the UA with J.

3. Be very direct with J. Tell him you're struggling since seeing OM's picture. Tell him you're angry with yourself, etc.

4. When you find yourself thinking about OM - purposefully direct your thoughts elsewhere. Think of some positive things about J. Read Mark's "Handling Memories and Dealing With Triggers" thread, even if you've read it before. This is a trigger for you and Mark's thread will help.

Thank you Broken_soul

I did it. I went that step further and deactivated the account. Should free up more of my time too. Maybe it was a sign and indication that FB was to go. I could use my time more productively.

I have spoken to J about my feelings and I'm sure he'll have read my post by now.

I have read highlights of managing memories again as well.

Still feel sick

Good for you.

Why do you still feel sick? Are you afraid of what J is going to say?

Of course you should have posted ST. It's for these hiccups in R that this board is for.
You identified what happened, and you fixed it by removing FB so that this doesn't happen again.

We can't control all triggers, but the ones that we do have control over, need to be eliminated.

You did good!

I think you are doing very well.
You seem to be realizing when there is a lull in meeting EN's, you voice it, and seek advice.
I think one of the really important things in R is recognizing when there is a slide in the wrong direction.
Nothing gets fixed if it's not recognized.

Hmmm, that last line, I say this to my kids all the time, I must be getting motherly around here.
Clobber me if I start grounding you.

No not afraid of what J is going to say. Just sick with the memories - sick that 20months of my life has gone missing.

We spoke on the phone while he was at work last night - he was understandably upset about the "chat" thought and we both defended ourselves far too vehemently about why we don't have much too say to each other. J started to verbally attack. I told him that I was going to hang up and please email me.

He did - which is fantastic. I didn't like the email much but maybe because it hit a little nerve - I read it once and deleted it.

I replied and apologised. Explained that I was just triggered and actually it isn't that our conversation is lacking - just curious about OM.

We both know that moe UA time is needed. This also reminded me that one of the conditions of his return was that we followed the MB prog seriously in some form. Not quite sure how to go about it yet or whether to start yet. He's still heard absolutely nothing about a possible start for the perpetrators course.

Despite the UA we seem close at the mo. although he told me tonight his new boss doesn't like him having the phone at work. Slowly our methods of communication while he is at work are diminishing - FB had become useful for our relationship: flirting and conversation about folks we used to work with. Actually not strictly true we have just discovered there is one form of IM that his work haven't blocked yet.

Feeling slightly like my arm has been cut off w/o FB. Bit lonely.

Just remebered what I told myself I'd do tonight: I'm looking at loads of old Erasure videos on youtube. He was such a fab singer and looking at the official website seems you americans have pinched him and he's been DJing in NY. Can't beleive it's the 21st anniversary of The Innocents - one of my fave all time albums (I feel old now)

Hi Vit,

You just try grounding me! I'm not great at being told what to do.

Started writing my last post ages ago and then got caught up in the music.

How are you?

I'm good.

Rant needed today.

I was just thining yesterday how nice it is that I don't get that anxiety about J being at home or coming home anymore and how nice it is to look forward to his days off.

TOday I don't feel quite so much like that. I have a rant list: Now some of these will def still be a problem, if left, in a years time.

Asked J Sun night whether it was ok to have niece today ( J asleep for half of today) and then sis would have ds all day and pick up dd form school on wed so we could go out for the day. They were desperate or sis at work - month end. HE said yes no prob.

Comes home thismorning and when dd asks him when he can go into school to hear children read he says: not wed I'm on a course, not thurs I'm helping friend.

He's on a course on Wed - so my attempt at UA time failed - annoying hting is we could have had it today, sis was happy to tell them no if there was any doubt for us

I asked him today whether he had sent the text that he is s'posed to send weekly to get on perp course (and then I remind myself outloud that I'm not s'posed to remind him - part of him showing that he cares and he wants to work on him)so he does it (annoyed because he has now decided he is far too busy to remember and thinks I should take some f the responsibility)

Seeing as i've done it I suugest he ask whether they have a start date yet (so that he can think about getting time of work) - he huffs and puffs and does it and gets the reply that he should be on in feb, and that there are 3 on the list before him and that if he does text every week then he could go above them.

I'm guessing that as he hasn't been texting every week, he could have got on before feb.


THis is making me very sad.

He has also said I don't need it anyway - I can do it myself.

I reminded him that this is one of the conditions of him returning to live with us - that he text to make sure he got on the course and then participate on the course.


I am really upset about this. He doesn't care.



I'm not sure whether it is as a result of the mess up about wed and him feeling bad and me being a little short with him but he has been in one of those down moods - problems with diy that he couldn't possibly overcome and then 5 mins later he's sorted it.

I had to force myself to make him a cup of tea earlier. I think he has been trying to be nice but I don't want to be wiht him right now. He's complaining that I'm not picking up on his attemt at conversation. Then he does that irritating head inhis hands thing and falls asleep on the sofa. I don't really want to be in the same room as him.

So, I'm off out. I'll go and buy some advent calendars.

You could be talking about my H. That's how he 'punishes' me for upsetting him. And it works. Pulls my guts out of my body, no matter how much I try to not let it bother me. They need to hear how it hurts.

Our UA time has been disastorous.
As i said last night I took myself out, I came in and made small talk but his head was clued to the TV.

This morning he was stropping around so much so that DD stuck to me and had a few tears about not going to school.

This aternoon was a planned trip to town but that started with a misunderstanding - I thought he'd be ready - only had a total of 1 hr 45 mins to walk to town do our jobs and get back, he thought I'd want lunch before I went.

He wanted to know why I was being neutral, I of course am waiting for an apology or something to make me think that he does care - I told him I was waiting for an apology. Still he continues with the Djs and telling me what I'm doing wrong and complaining and taunting me. When we got to town I said I wanted to go our separate ways for the rest of the afteroon - didn't need to listen to that anymore. At least he allowed me to enforce that boundary - not something he would have done 3 months ago.

He is horrible. He is now threatening to hang himself.