Thank you Pianoman, now I understand better. You are in my same situation: H has moved out (I asked him to but he was looking for a place to move to anyway) about 10 weeks ago after I discovered his 18 month long A (and still going) with neighbor OW. OW was very conveniently at reach and very willing so they had a lot of fun getting the thrill out of hiding from me and our son in her basement which H rented as an office space. Son and I thought H was very busy with work related stuff...but he was busy getting oral sex and other types of sex from divorced OW. They demonized me the whole time...I later found their text messages and they were getting the thrill out of meeting around my schedule. H also had OW come up to our appartment when I was away.
Now H has his own place and she can visit as much as she wants. I am in a super dark plan B and they do not have to bother about hiding from me. I also moved out of my place so I do not have to see OW every time I go out of my door.
Like you...I do not want to throw away 20 years of M, however...I am giving H one year...till Sept 2010...after that I am moving on.
By the way...since this is my H's second A and he has been so nasty to me...he will have to do some major work on himself before I even consider looking at him in the face again...
Miracles do happen, and our M will need one of those to be saved.
We are very patient people pianoman....not to brag about us...but we are rare jems in this messed up world. Yet our spouses prefer some low lives...do they deserve us?
blessings

No, they don't. Not right now, anyway.

Patience is a part of acceptance. Acceptance that our spouses are not perfect. Acceptance that we are not perfect. Acceptance that we cannot control anyone other than ourselves.

Coming to acceptance is a watershed in our emotional growth, and it is rare to get there without hitting a brick wall or two along the way. For me, it is just as hard if not harder to maintain a state of acceptance - but I work at it every day, one day at a time.

What someone deserves is a great question - and there is no easy answer. I'm not aware of many situations where someone that deserved punishment and got it resulted in any significant change for the better. There have been instances of someone deserving punishment and receiving compassion instead; some don't change for the better - but some do. Some injustices are so terrible they don't deserve compassion, but I suppose the injured party has to make that determination. In my case I'm willing to take a shot at compassion.

Acceptance is not seeking revenge.

Well said pianoman. Acceptance is not seeking revenge.
Also, acceptance is not being a doormat.
I do accept that my H is now with OW but I do not have to be in contact with him allowing him to hurt me because that will mean that I do not have compassion for myself!
blessing

Well said. The most compassionate thing we can do for a wayward is to let them find their own way, since we cannot find it for them. It is also the most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves - as long as we are prepared to accept the outcome.

Yes Pianoman and at times we are so addicted to our thinking and mental movies about a situation that we lose touch with our gut feeling which ultimately is the deep understanding that goes beyond our ofter too rational mind (I am reading a lot of Eckhat Tolle).
My gut feeling tells me that it is really over with my H this time and that he will never return to the M. Never.
My rational mind tells me that I should give him a year. The combination of the 2 tells me I should move on and not see him or contact him again.
blessing

But it also doesn't mean you should be a doormat. Women do NOT respect their husbands when the husbands just accept what the women do to them, say 'you hurt me but oh well' and continue to provide for her. In fact, they grow to hate you.

WRONG!

The most compassionate thing we can do for them is help them break free from their crack addiction which, if we don't stop them, will swallow them whole and force them to live an entire life of lies, shame, and self-hatred.

If you really loved her, you would fight for her.

Thanks, atena. That's exactly the wording I needed to read/hear. It's how I feel about my M.

Zelmo, are you reading?

We can encourage them to break free. We can even beg and plead. However we can't stop them from staying addicted - they can only do that for themselves.

I still love my WW - so much so that I am willing to not be a part of her life so that the love I do have will not turn into anger because of her affair. I tried everything I could to encourage her to end it; I came to accept I could not. She lives in a fantasy world, which has to end if she is to break free. The only way for that to happen is for her to see reality, which wasn't going to happen as long as I was in the picture. It may not happen now that I'm out of the picture - but it's the only chance she's got and I love her enough to give her that chance.

Pianoman, I agree with you 100% ...we really can't force them to do anything. We are out of the picture now and that might make them see what they are missing, but maybe not.
As it was pointed out earlier being a doormat makes your WS hate you even more. I was one for over a year and by the end my WH could not even bear to sit next to me, he would live the room if I was in it..he will still pretend to put up with me, but you could tell he could not longer stand me.
Cat, I do not get what you mean by fighting for them...please explain!
blessing

Being around the wayward can stir up all kinds of emotions for both partners. Sometimes the waywards gets EN's met and is very happy. Sometimes they get yelled at or get the silent treatment and get angry. Sometimes they recognize what they have done to their partner and get sad. Sometimes they feel like their partner is spoiling the fantasy and they hate that.

Regardless - the wayward, the partner and the relationship all suffer tremendously as long as the OP is in the picture, and for some time after whether the relationship ends or attempts reconciliation. That's the real irony of most affairs - they are entered into because someone "just wants to be happy", but they end up in misery, dragging others along with them.

It takes a lot of courage and stamina to maintain your dignity when betrayed - along with acceptance.