'JL', getting ready to head out the door but your post makes perfect sense. Actually some of what you said we have learned in MC. The 'I' statements, 'active listening', etc.

Application is what is not being done, by us both. Will follow up later.

'JL', as before, thanks for your assistance, and 'Pep', plz add if you feel so.

'JL', you're very 'intune' with our relationship it seems, I am sure it's a common problem, (communication, or lack of). Even tough we've been married a very long time, our communication problem is, and has been a big issue. Its on both sides, both communication and actually hearing what each of us are saying to each other.

I used to think part of it was because she was not born here, but came when she was 17 yrs old, (when we married). But that really would not account for the bulk of it. I do know she sometimes means something other than what she said, and a word here or there does change her entire statement or intent.

We are starting to try to work on our communication problems. She understands as well, as we both have to work at it. It is as you, (I think), said, trying to work on our relationship problem is difficult enough, and throwing in the issue of past sex outside of our marriage, it compounds it, A LOT. I must say though, if it were not for the A's coming out, neither of us would've stepped forward and sought help in our marriage, (from here and IC/MC).

'NJ', brother it is amazing how close your situation with the family and such is to mine. My father in law is the same, and that is where my wife gets her personality from.

Codtej,

Here is something for you to consider with your W. I don't know if you have children, but if you have ever been around a child that has speech problems such as stuttering, you will see a very frustrated child. You will often see a very angry child.

My point, if you thought of your W has having a "stuttering" problem, unable to give voice to what she thinks and feels, then you can begin to see her in a different light and perhaps help her with her communications with her. My bet is as you do, and as you consider how to do this, YOU will begin to see your own communication issues and address them. This will help you and it will help her.

Try a different perspective, try seeing the source of her anger and then try addressing it via changes in your own actions. I strongly suspect that your changes will help her see what she needs to change. You cannot fix her. You cannot really educate her, but you can use what you see and learn to make modifications to how YOU interact with her. Often that leads to changes within her.

Just thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Just for completness, you will see that plan A and plan B actually use this approach.

Hey 'NewJersey', my email is in my profile, can you hit me up when you get a chance brother?

'JL', interesting idea. I've tried to approach her anger from other angles, but not the way you suggested. We do have kids, all 20 yrs old an over. They express uggh over their moms anger/control issues as well.

I do know me trying to 'educate' her is an exercise in futility and a total waste of time. I have enough problems trying to educate myself, the difference is I seem to be able to see a lot of my own issues and admit them, she will not, (again, family members would agree).

From what I've read, WS are beyond 'education' until the fog wears off, if then. Much like the principles espoused by Al-Anon, the only thing you can do during this time is to help yourself.

It may be that the WS may never emerge from the fog. So we have to be prepared to move on in that case...

Yes Fred, I am trying to understand what you have said and apply it.