I know that. I, in fact, appreciate the attention as I feel like I've been spinning my wheels. There is much commentary and advice here these last few days. I'll get to answering all of your and others' questions in a bit. I want to do so thoughtfully and as accurately as I can.

I to-did, V. And the pictures had nothing to do with a conference room.

Ho-kay...

The reason I think FS is a top EN (along with RH, PA, Admiration, and SF -- RC drops in there now and again, I think) is because money has been the cause of some of our bigger arguments over the years. Last summer when I was layed-off and before D-day, I asked H if I could go back to school to become a teacher. I thought about our monthly budget, school costs, my unemployment checks, and thought that it might be the right time to finally pursue the career I�ve often expressed interest in. H refused to let me even look into it. He said if I did that we'd have to stop putting money into the college funds and would have to stop our pledged donations to the church � two things he knows I feel very strongly about.

H makes a pretty good salary. Many couples live fine on less. Yes, it would have required some lifestyle changes but I was willing to make those changes. I said we could sell the timeshare condo, buy generic brands, lay-off going to concerts, and such. H said we couldn't afford me not working and putting me through school for a year to a year-and-a-half would change our plan dramatically � that our financial future is based on us both working and bringing in a minimum income. The discussion was over in about 5 minutes. About an hour later, H came to me and said, �I�m sorry, L4, but now just isn�t a good time.� I said, �I think now is better than any time ever before. I also know that if the roles were reversed, the first thing out of my mouth � as I�ve proven when you�ve talked about changing your career before � would be, �How can we make this happen?� I can�t express how upset I am that you won�t even consider looking at it.�

Last fall when I was having trouble finding work (I had one interview in 4 months), H kept telling me I had to get a job. He would sarcastically say we�ll need to get used to living a different lifestyle.

Much of H's stress for years has been his job. I have NUMEROUS times pointed out to H that he should quit his job or at least look for another � that no job is worth the toll it tends to take on him. He�s even admitted that his job has likely negatively affected our M. We have a decent savings account and if we had to live in a smaller house or even an apartment in exchange for him being happier, I'm all in. (I've said this very clearly -- pre and post-D-day.) But H gets sarcastic, paints a doom and gloom picture of our future, and says we have to keep working as we are so we can stick to our financial plan.

In the last week, my full-time job at the start-up has taken a bad turn. No one at the company will be paid in December and unless we get more funding or sales come in, we may not get paid in January either. In the meantime, my contracting job ends this month but they have approached me about signing on for another three months. I told my H about it. H wants me to sign on. He asked if I can get at least 25-hours a week again. I told him I will not take on what I had before but if my full-time job will allow me to use some of the day to do my other job, it would work much better. H wants me to pursue it. Considering my other job might come to a screeching stop at any moment, I�m comfortable with having the contract work. I will not work the additional 25-hours a week at the expense of UA, but a few hours a week will help us out during this very expensive time of year.

It's these conversations and what I perceive as H's anxious look when it appears that I may not bring in as much as I used to that leads me to believe FS is important to him.

The FOM/kids comment... FOM asked me once if I ever thought about what our kids would have been like. I told him that I was too old and couldn't do the baby thing again -- that that wouldn't be a part of our relationship. (Said as if we were going to have a relationship.) But we did talk that night about what it would have been like had we met before, gotten married, and had kids together. I shared this conversation with H as part of O&H. So while FOM and I talked about what our family might have been like if we�d met before, we did not say we�d have more kids together if we got together.

From even before we were married, H and I talked about our family's size and I almost always said 3 or more while H said no more than 2. This was talked about a lot.

I didn't clearly state my boundary in the moment, Mark, I think because 1.) I was taken totally off guard, and 2.) since D-day I haven't applied much of any boundaries so it wasn't part of my natural recourse.

LBs... I do these, but little from what I can see and I'm reading Love Busters again to re-educate myself.

The annoying habits that H has made me aware of I have broken or am trying to break. Specifically, I do not file my nails in common living spaces any more. He just told me about a week ago that I say, "At the end of the day..." too much so I've been catching myself with that. I'm trying really hard to get my receipts entered into Quicken in a timely manner. I don't put the orange bowls in the dishwasher any more, and I�ve been folding his pants just as he likes them folded since he told me that bugged him perhaps a year ago. I hope he exposes any more that bother him so I can properly adjust.

IBs used to be the biggie for me. Now I don't do anything or plan anything for myself or the family without letting H in on the decision. Whether it's lunch with a girlfriend or buying presents, making doctor appointments or allowing my parents to stay overnight, I clear everything with H first.

Dishonesty... I do still do this in that I am not fully open with H regarding any negative feelings I have. I�ve told him I'm not happy and that I�m scared, and I have expressed my concerns for our M and our future on a few occasions, but I've done so in fits and spurts because the conversations usually go south. I end up feeling selfish for expressing anything bad when H is dealing with bad every day because of what I did. And I want to be happy and fun-to-be-around L4, not mopey and sad L4. Mopey and sad are not attractive so when these negative feelings are at my forefront, I push them down and try to focus on other things until I can be alone and sort through them or purge here. I know this is not what Dr. H says to do with O&H in Love Busters. In fact, he writes ��negative feelings serve a valuable purpose in a marriage. They are a signal that something is wrong� Honesty enables a couple to make appropriate adjustments to each other� Both of you are growing and changing almost daily and you must constantly adjust to each other�s changes if you are to remain compatible. But how can you know how to adjust if you�re not receiving accurate information about these changes?... You need accurate information from each other. Without this, unhappy situations can go on and on� � It�s sometimes very difficult for me to be completely O&H with H about my hurt or scared feelings because when I do so, it tends to bring up H�s defenses. I think it scares H to think I�m not happy and that makes him pull away even more. Until I feel safe in sharing my bad or hurt feelings or doubts or concerns relating to our M, I�ll probably continue to edit what I�ll say. At least until I can be okay with his possible rejection of my feelings.

Maybe I do SDs and DJs, but those are very much outside of how I believe I behave -- not just with H but in most every relationship in my life. I judged H a lot when I was embroiled in cheating, but not much before and especially not now that I'm aware of them. H does these along with AOs and they are huge LBs for me which I think makes me even more aware to not engage in them.

UA time... SC is right in that this is more of a recent thing. I used to travel 6 - 10 times a year for the last job I had. H traveled even more. My travels to my family reunion in July and my trip to Iceland were the two vacations I took sans H. If you recall (now gone from my thread), it was a big deal for me that H refused to come to my family�s reunion. I was very hurt by his staying home for no reason other than he just didn't want to go. I virtually begged him to go but he didn't. The Iceland trip H supported when we planned it last spring. He got grouchy about it as the trip neared.

I�ve had three trainings for business between July and now and those should be done now � a possible follow-up in March but not yet confirmed. Up until September 8, if you recall, I worked from home so H and I were in the same dwelling together most every hour of the day outside of business travel since April �03. When I was in withdrawal it was very difficult as I wanted to avoid H as much as possible and it seemed mutual on his part. After D-day it was a blessing as we were constantly available to each other. Over the summer, we sometimes took advantage of it, but H�s schedule got overwhelmingly busy and his work consumed many hours of the day.

Every date that I can think of since D-day (and yes, I typed "every") has been planned by me. Arranging the baby-sitter, getting the tickets, making the reservations... I cannot think of a single date night that H has planned. He came up with the idea for one spontaneous evening, but I still landed the baby-sitter, picked her up, and arranged things with the kids so it could happen.

I've asked H more than a dozen times if we could get away for a weekend. It hasn't happened. Every overnight trip that we've booked over the last year shows in my calendar as being with family or friends.

November 28, the day before I was leaving for my week-long business trip, H went to the 3:30pm college game. It ended less then 3 hours later. H got home after 9:30pm.

H has planned two weekends/outings in the last 6 weeks with his brothers/family. When I have expressly said that I wanted to go with him, I was told that he'd prefer it just be him. That he wants his "alone time" or his "guy time" or his "brothers time".

Before I left to Ann Arbor on a Sunday, H informed me the Friday before that he wanted to go out with his friend on Saturday night. I said I wanted to spend the time together with the family then with him since I was going away and he said it was because I was leaving and he was going to have the kids all by himself for several days that he needed a night out. He came rolling home in the morning hours. He wanted SF at 3am. I left at 7am for 4 days.

I'd love to get more UA time with H. My impression is that H doesn't feel the same way. Though I don't know this.

Did I miss anything? I have more to share but don�t want to overlook any questions that have been asked.

I should like to know what the picture you have painted tells you, but perhaps you'd like to finish first.

Seriously? Orange bowls? Folded pants?

L4, it's no wonder you are unhappy. Where's the joy?

Please, please, please don't take this the wrong way....but what you're expressing seems less like MB/meeting ENs/POJA and more like masochism lite - maybe not so lite, actually. It's really disturbing for me to read all of this.


Groan. L4, you can't make everything about the affair.

I was going to go on, but I just can't.

I will leave you with one thought: self-flagellation is every bit as unattractive as mopey and sad.

pk, bluntly

In the past when J felt he needed to exercise his control he alwasy brought it back around to money. SInce we've been on much better terms, it never seems an issue... (except I forgot to pay a cheque in today).

Please continue L4

Blunt pk,

I would agree with you, except that my understanding of masochism is that the masochist enjoys the pain. I don't see L4 enjoying what she is receiving.

What I do see is her H enjoying dishing this out, to hurt her because she hurt him.

Now, that fits my understanding of sadism. The sadist enjoys the pain.

SC,

I hear what you're saying, and some won't agree with me, but I have had a theory for a while. I believe that many WSs, particularly the ones who return to the marriage, have an element of masochism in their makeup.

People are convinced that an affair is such a good time. I'm here to tell you that often it is not. It's like a punishment you inflict on yourself. The guilt, the bad feelings, the compulsion.

Disclaimer: I'm not talking about serial philanderers here. They're another breed entirely.

But (apologies for speaking in the 3rd person L4) I do see masochism in a lot of what L4 writes - the need to be punished for her crime, to the point where she is convinced that inocuous statements ("at the end of the day") and orange bowls in the dishwasher constitute serious flaws that she needs to address. Not only that, but she's looking for more:


pk

L4,

I think you are equivocating about the have kids with the OM conversation. If I were your H and you told me about this conversation I am almost certain I would interpret that as you wishing that you had had children with the OM and not me.

I'm not defending his accusation but I think he has a ton of unsaid things that he needs to get out.

Gabe

I agree he is paying her back. Not sure if he is really enjoying it , htough, as it seems this type of behavior would also be somewhat agonizing to a normal person(which i assume he is).

At some point, this has to stop for both your sakes. he is going to be pissed and hurt by this for a long time, possibley for the rest of his life. But, he needs to channel it elsewhere.
Man, his behavior screams of pain and the need for therapy. But, you cannnot force him to get the help your cheating has caused him to need. He may have some type of epiphany, but it may be too late.
just like gaslighting and lyng that go on too long do irrepearable damage, payback and punishment may do the same. I hope he snaps out of it.

((((((((L4)))))))))

This worries me - and it was before D-Day. I don't ask BB if I am to be allowed to do something. I ask if we can discuss a matter of importance and then we discuss it until we come to a decision that leaves us both content. In this case, it would at least be something along the lines of "I'm not sure if your wish is achieveable right now but lets make it happen as soon as possible, and this is what we're going to do about it".


Control. Keeping you in your place.


He might hate his job, but he is more terrified of change so is unable to do anything about it.


I don't see it as a great need for FS. I see it as a control issue but it does surprise me that he wants you to spend so much time working when your A started through work. That's fairly unusual for a BS and I don't quite get it. Unless he's more fearful of you having more time to concentrate on yourself and what that might lead to than fearful of another A?


Were you happy to stop at 2 children then L4? Or did Mr L4 think 2 was enough?


I have just had to re-read that passage and after the first time I read it, I thought it was painful. Now I think it's beyond that. I can't imagine living with BB, him not being at all loving and nurturing of me and all the while me still hoping for him to tell me what he finds annoying about me so that I can correct it.

There's nothing wrong about pointing out LB'ers if at the same time your H is telling you all the wonderful things you do that make him love you more and more each day. There has to be some balance. I do see him trying to control you and I see you running round in circles trying to appease him. I've said it before L4, it appears that you are turning yourself inside out to make him happy and part of that includes allowing him to continually punish you for your A.


Good, but does H do the same and have you asked him to do the same? It is only right that he has this expectation of you, but do you have the same expectation of him?


You're both dealing with bad stuff and you both have to make conversations safe to allow RH. I'm a BS. I never asked for any of this. BB hurt me terribly, BUT, he also hurt himself and it was important I understood that.

In understanding that I was able to listen to him and in listening, I was able to understand and in understanding I was able to be empathetic. I didn't allow him to justify, or rationalise his A but I properly listened and pulled him up on any of that sort of rubbish in as gentle a way as was possible. If either of us felt angry, we stopped the conversation and got back to it when we felt calmer.

It's a no brainer that a WS needs to allow the BS to talk through the pain, and to vent, but the WS also needs time to talk through it and it's vital for a good R that communication from both sides remains open, honest and safe. Fear of his anger is stopping you from doing this necessary work and his fear of losing his control over you and changing this terribly unhealthy dynamic is stopping him.


I think mopey and sad is somewhat attractive to him because it confirms he is in control of how you are feeling. God forbid you should feel happy after what you've done.


As long as you edit what you say about your feelings, you will not recover. Editing isnt working L4.


Let's face it L4, if you have UA time together, it would still be you, Mr L4, PLUS the huge elephant in the room that no-one is able or willing to talk about. If BB and I spend UA time together, but there is something on my mind, I generally do not enjoy it. It's important that whatever is on my mind is out there before we spend QT together or the UA time tends to be counter-productive. There's way too much unspoken resentment here on both sides for UA time to be as positive as it should be, IMVHO.

I agree with pk, there's pay off for both sides in this status quo. L4, I think you believe you deserve to be punished and you'e not sure where to draw the line and say, "that's it, I've been punished enough, I've served my time and compensated my victims fully".

For Mr L4, he's so lost in his own pain and fear of abandonment. It seems to him that this is all he has ever known so he's become comfortable in it. Why engage with someone when they'll let you down anyway? Why allow yourself to love someone when you know that theY won't love you back and will find someone more loveable to be with eventually? He needs to open up to someone and I know he's dead set against therapy or counselling but he truly needs help so that he can help himself.

It doesn't matter what you do L4, it will likely never be enough. He'll find something else that makes him unhappy that you need to fix when the truth is he needs to find a way to make himself happy. YOU CAN'T DO THAT. HE HAS TO DO IT. AND HE HAS TO WANT TO DO IT.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I have much in common with your H, and not only that we're both BS's. I have every sympathy for his pain because I've felt it too, but I've found ways to move on and overcome my hurts. For some reason, he hasn't but he has to or you two will not recover your M.

Thinking of you L4.

That I'm going in circles??? That I need to make some changes???

That you are being ill-treated? That your H is enjoying punishing you? That he cannot find major LBs to focus on because you do not do any, so he find trivial ways to demean and humiliate you? That no changes that you make could ever work while he is in this mindset?

Maybe they aren't annoying habits but ways I did things that H wanted changed? I consider habits things you do without thought. I did these things but maybe they weren't habits? I don't know.

And this is the problem, I guess. This is normal. A few have posted here and emailed me offline that this post was hard to read. And while I don't think it's good stuff, I don't feel as disturbed when I'm living it. And that's probably the problem. I probably should.

I have people IRL who are telling me similar things. I need to step back with an objective eye if I'm to properly enforce appropriate boundaries and get out of this rut.

I hope you'll reconsider. I value your input, PK. Blunt and all.

You're right, 6YL.

Thank you for being here.

Thanks, Zelmo.

This is going to be long. Very long. And it'll be one of my last long posts for a while.

I am convinced that H cares for me. We have moments of tenderness when I feel he loves me. In those moments I believe that I can do this � that I can help lift H into Intimacy so he'll want to be happy with me and have a fulfilling, lasting M.

It�s the LBs, that are making me less than enthusiastic. To paint the picture, I have three examples of his kindness countered by his LBs, of course presented from my subjective perspective. (I too wish he would post here so you could know both sides.):

1.) A few weeks ago, we had a good day. The kids were in bed when I stood up for DD6 after H accused her of something to me when it was me who had done what had upset him. I admitted my mistake and apologized for it. I asked H why he quickly accused DD6. I asked the question with a smile on my face and in a soft manner. H became defensive and wondered why I was asking. I said because I wanted to see if he could understand how hurtful it can be for DD6 when he jumps to conclusions.

It ended up getting heated with H talking for me. What I mean by that is H holds these out loud conversations of what I�m supposedly saying inside my head. He imitates people and states what he believes they are saying in their heads. It's a huge DJ. He usually takes on a higher pitched voice when he imitates me and my supposed self-talk. H knows how much I HATE when he does it. I ended up walking away. H continued imitating me until I was out of view.

Five minutes later, H came to me and he asked if I was going to return to my ways of a year ago due to what he said the day before. (The day before was when he told me he didn�t love me and didn�t believe in M.) I stated, �If you mean am I going to have another affair, absolutely not. I will never do that.� He said, �I know. I was wondering if because of yesterday if you�re going to become that nag again who fights with me over everything.� I looked at him and said, �I was trying to clarify for you a misunderstanding you had about DD6. If I think you�re behaving inappropriately especially regarding our kids, then yes, I�m going to enforce my boundary.� He looked at me and said, �Boundaries?� �Yes,� I replied. �If you�re going to yell at me or talk for me then I�m going to walk away.� He shook his head and walked away. A few minutes later he looked around the corner and said, �Good night.� I said, �Don�t I get a kiss?� He said, �I�m really tired,� and left me alone.

Background on boundaries� I started seeing an IC around the same time that I started last year�s affair. The IC recommended Cloud and Townsend�s book and it helped me understand that being a doormat wasn�t healthy for me nor our M. H saw my enforcing boundaries as me being difficult. I might have been as I was also cheating on him and then went through withdrawal. H associates my enforcing boundaries with my cheating. A week after D-day when I determined I wanted to try to save our M, I returned to my no-conflict behaviors and I�ve been hesitant in establishing boundaries ever since. And as exampled here, when I enforced a boundary he thought I was being a "nag" and siding against him.

2.) I got home last Saturday and was prepared for a detached H after the time apart. After the kids were in bed, I snuggled with H in front of the TV. We talked and it was so good to be back together.

Sunday during the football game H said he�d like everyone�s help cleaning up all the leaves and clippings from his earlier yard work. I said I�d be happy to help at halftime. (DS8 and I were working on his Christmas list.)

DD6 made some microwave popcorn unsupervised and apparently lied to H about it. I think she misunderstood his question. (I had told her she could have popcorn, though I did not specify she could make the popcorn herself and she told H that Mama said she could do it.) H saw it as a lie and an attempt to get away with something. He got riled up. He was yelling and she was crying.

Shortly after, he came down the stairs and headed outside. A couple minutes later, he opened the door and said with attitude, �I need you to help me in the yard.� I calmly replied, �I said we�d do it during halftime. It�s not halftime but will be soon.� H said, �Great. I�ll do it myself,� and pretty much slammed the door.

Five minutes later we were all outside. H was ordering the kids, telling them how they were doing it wrong, how they weren�t listening to him... He wasn�t yelling but he was abrupt. It was making me madder and madder.

At one point H asked me if I could do the job he was doing. He dropped the rake he was using and as I approached him I dropped mine to the ground as well. It was an impolite thing for me to do but I did not do it out of malice. H looked at me with a smirk and said, �Thanks.� I said, �Sorry. That was rude� I didn�t think about it. Wait� So it�s okay for you to drop your rake but I can�t drop mine?� (Yes, I said it with attitude � I was so mad about the last 45 minutes.) H said, �That�s how it�s gotta be huh, L4? Always tit-for-tat. Gotta keep score? That�s just great.� Instead of answering my question he gave me a DJ. I snappily retorted, �I learned from you, Honey.� He said, �And there you go, turning it around on me. Always gotta find some way to turn it and blame me.�

It was a poor exchange and I was as much a smart-aleck as he was. I was most certainly not being nice, and I apologized for my behavior.

I should have said something at that first SD about getting outside, but he was pi**ed and I thought it would fall on deaf ears. The disrespect I felt he was showing the children as they tried to help and his apparent anger about it all just miffed me more. I wasn't proud of how I reacted. And I was angry with him.

3.) H thanked me when we finished. He prepared the ham for dinner. His frustrations seemed to diminish. We worked on dinner together and did it well. When I fell asleep during 60 Minutes, he let me snooze and put the kids to bed. He was being nice and helpful. I awoke and around 9pm joined him in our bedroom to watch him pack. He left for a while and came back at 9:55 just as I was getting out of bed. He asked if I was going to work and I answered, �No. Just need to do a few quick things.� I checked on my mobile phone for an email from work about a morning meeting. I did a few more things. I could hear the TV on in our bedroom so I assumed H was still up.

As I crawled into bed at 10:10, he told me I should have told him that I was going to do some work. He said that he wanted to go right to sleep and if he had known I was going to take 15 minutes, he would have said goodnight. I said that I didn�t go to work. (Not as I define going to work, anyway.) I said, �I�m sorry that I misunderstood what you wanted from me. I didn�t know you wanted to go to sleep right away. It sounds to me like we misunderstood what the other wanted and I�m sorry for my miscommunication.� He came back with, �I have to get up at 5 and you think I don�t want to go to sleep?� I said, �I didn�t say that. I said you didn�t tell me you wanted to sleep right away�� He interrupted, �Isn�t that obvious? Why would I have asked if you were going to work?� I said, �No it wasn�t obvious why you asked and again, I didn�t go to work.� �You just said you checked a work email. Take that to a judge and he�d say you went to work.� I was amazed at the severity of the conversation and said, �And I should have told you that I�d be 15 minutes, I guess, even though I didn't know how long I'd be. I didn�t know your timeline and you didn�t know mine. We miscommunicated.� He would not let it drop. I couldn�t believe what a big deal he was making of it. Finally I said, �You complain that I kept you from getting those few extra minutes of sleep, yet you've been arguing about this for over 10 minutes. I apologized for misunderstanding what you apparently wanted from me. What more do you want me to say?� He said something to the likes of, �That you knew what you were going to work and that you knew you were going to be more than a few minutes.� I said, �That�s not true as I didn�t know my complete inventory when you asked, but if you need me to take full and complete responsibility for you not getting to sleep at 9:55 in order to drop this, then I will. I�m sorry, H, that I didn�t detail for you all that I was going to do. I�m sorry I did something that was work-related even though I said I wasn�t going to work and therefore kept you awake.� H said, �Good.� I waited a bit. Nothing more. I said good night. He said good night. A few minutes later he asked, �When are you going to get paid from your other job?� I said, �Soon, but I don�t know exactly when.� He said, �Okay.� We didn�t touch all night long.

I woke up with him. I talked with him for a bit and wished him safe travels. He held my hand and stroked my back and it was nice. I reached out to him as well. But the events of the previous night still hung in my head.

In the 36-hours we were together between trips, he did several things that were kind that I appreciated and I told him. (Making the ham, cleaning the kitchen, taking care of the kids, doing the laundry, working in the yard, etc.) H does nice things. He seems to sense when I�m down and while he doesn't ask me how I'm feeling, during those times he will touch me a bit more. And we have our morning snuggles. He�s more thoughtful and more generous with me and he recognizes my changes.

But those bloody LBs take away from what he does. Those DJs, SDs, AOs, and IBs that even when I point them out to him, he continues to deliver over and over. He doesn't seem to understand how they affect me.

I read this on Mark�s �Grumpy� thread which ST also copied here:
I connected with this completely. This is how I feel, especially this part: �If you leave, it will prove that you were never serious about recovery and were always a wayward.�

So I will keep up the ENs and no LBs. I am and will remain honest. I will continue on this path that I�ve been on for over 13 months. I have seen changes and H is nicer to me then before D-day as I�ve mentioned here several times. But if his darned LBs don�t stop, I�m worried that if H ever does decide to commit to rebuilding and improving our M, it'll be too late and I�ll be firmly entrenched back in Conflict.

So I have a plan. I have a plan that includes ENs, no LBs, and continued attempts at UA. It also includes working on myself, enforcing boundaries, and letting H know how I feel.

Time will tell. And yes, while it's probably not something you want to read, I do have a timeline. And during this time I will probably post here less.

Keep us in your prayers if you think about it.

Love you all.

I'm glad your H is sometimes kind to you L4.

However, I worry that your expectations of him seem a little low and your gratitude for what seem to me like the normal courtesies involved in raising a family and sharing a home is indicative of what little he does do to meet your needs.

I'm glad that you still have hope and have a plan.

We all need plans to get through R.

I completely understand that you do not want to give up on this.

I too see hope for you IF your H gets some help and I also understand that you don't want to lose a M and for its demise to be the result of your bad choices.

I hope nothing I wrote in my post earlier this morning upset you L4 but if it did or what I wrote is unhelpful to you, I will delete it.

I really only posted in an attempt to help but I do appreciate that we all have our own experiences and those experiences colour our responses. I have potentially got it completely wrong and have been unhelpful or even worse harmful so please ignore what I wrote or post on my thread to ask me to delete and I will happily do so.

I wish you the very best of luck with your plan and will be thinking of you often.

Take care L4

(((((Sere)))))

Your post was helpful. Don't delete.

Thank you.