Sounds like a good plan for failure.

Good luck.

You're not getting the basic point that you need to ENCOURAGE CONFLICT in the A in order to get him to break it off. Exposure is the tool to do this. If you don't "get" this vital component of the process, what is likely going to happen is either (1) he continues that A for significantly longer, or (2) he's going to leave you for OW, or (3) if that A ends, he will be MORE inclined to get involved in other As, as there's no consequences for his actions, apart from getting even more attention from his BW, which may actually encourage him to be wayward rather than anything else.

Put yourself in his mother's shoes. If your son was ruining his marriage over an affair, would you want to know? What would you say to him? What would you do?

By NOT telling her, you are taking away her opportunity to HELP her own son.

NC since 2/16/09 means that her H has been NC with OW since that date.

However, bliss, your signature is wrong. It says affair until Dec 2009.

At least, I hope it is wrong.

If he moves out to be with OW then you have very little or no chance of getting him back. DO not make the mistake I made.
Expose while he is with you. He might still move out to be with her after that, but at least you know you did everything to preserve your integrity.
blessing

Is this to me, Sugar? Oops - 2008, not 9. Gotta fix that...

Good luck, lost. I think you will lose your M, and I hope your WHs relatives and your children won't be too hurt about that. If you can console yourself about that loss by telling yourself that you were as nice as you could be throughout your Hs A, then I'm glad you feel you will be at peace.

You're not crazy - many have posted the same thoughts and feelings. Those are NORMAL feelings, coming from a BS. But these aren't NOT normal times - your H is in the process of destructing himself, your family and your M. NOT normal times require NOT normal behavior.

I hope you will rethink this decision, but again, it IS your decision and I certainly respect that. But I could weep, knowing you had all this advice from people who have been there and saved their Ms, and you were thisclose, and you changed your mind. Again, good luck.

Lost, expose. I was just like you. I did not expose and now I lost my M. H moved out to be with OW.
Do not let that happen to you.
blessing

I wish that I could believe that exposing an A would make it end but I just dont see that happening. My family knows about the affair. My grown kids confronted him about it and as much as I regret them having to be involved I felt that this affected them as much as it affects me so they needed to know. His family does not know. Or at least I dont think they do. I do not see anything positive coming from telling his family, We do not live close by. We do not see them regularly.

I think his siblings would believe there is more to the story. They would listen to whatever he has to say and believe whatever he said. His siblings have a lot of respect for him. I would say they see him as perfect. Then, it could be the opposite of what I want to accomplish. If they accept it I am that much worse off.

If there is hope it is in giving him what he needs... LOVE, RESPECT, ADMIRATION, TRUST, ATTENTION, FREE TIME, ETC. I do not bring up conflict and I stay away from subjects that are not pleasant. I try to stay pleasant and inviting. He does all the things that I can expect. I dont believe he is seeing her. He told me several weeks ago he is not going to talk to her or text or email her anymore. I have to trust him. It usually shows up in his behavior when he has talked to her. He doesnt have that "I want you to be Happy" approach but he does do things for me that he knows I like.

He has not said he doesnt want to be with her anymore. I believe I have to show him he has what he needs right here with his family. With me! That is the only way he will realize he doesnt need her. I didnt provide any of his EN for too long. I was waiting on him to give me what I needed. All the while he was hurting just as much as I was. That was my mistake.

Now I realize I was taking him for granted. I didnt give him credit for all the things he did for me and my kids. He gave of himself so much and asked for nothing in return. But, he really needed so much but pretended he needed nothing. I cant focus on the past but I cant blame this all on him. Sometimes you have to take "affirmative action" to reverse the damage.

Thats what I need help with. Knowing what I should do to make sure I am not leaving something out. If I give him everything I have and it isnt enough then there is nothing more that I can do.

you are making a GRAVE ERROR. I mean HUGE. Kiss your M and H goodbye if you don't blow this A wide open for the WORLD TO SEE. You must be strong and not act out of guilt. NO EMOTIONS RIGHT NOW, just logic. What will end his A? His family knowing what he is doing could possibly end it and you know it. DO IT!

DUDE

Did you tell HER family? Why not?

I would want to know if it were my son. This is a good point. I would want to help. I wouldnt judge him though. I would listen to what he had to say and I would tell him the OW is not the answer.

My sister wants to talk to him and my father but I wouldnt let them. Maybe that is a mistake. He is so proud. I dont see how humiliating him can help. And yes, I have been humiliated. But, tit for tat just doesnt work. I cant pay him back so to speak.

I would love for someone he respected to talk to him and help him see what the A really is. I am not sure anyone can though. He is one of those that doesnt listen to many people. He used to listen to me. Maybe he i still listening. I dont know. Maybe I could talk to his father. He would listen to his dad.

What does your WH say about all of this? Is he committed to repairing the damage he did to your M? Has he written a NC letter to the POSOW?
I'm not sure what your plan is, lost. To be so nice that he wants to stay is admirable. But you've done NOTHING about this A! Your WH needs to be accountable, or he will drift back and forth between you and the OW, getting his needs met by both of you. Is that your plan?

Exposure is intended to bring the A under a bright light, to remove the secretive nature that allows it to thrive, and to take the clandestine romance flavor from it. Humiliation is a natural by-product of an A. That's not something you caused - his actions caused it. Understand that, lost. There's no 'payback' here.

lost, PLEASE do this! Don't remove this opportunity from his parents! That would be like you having a child who got in trouble at school, and you had the opportunity to advise him to do the right thing, but the school never told you about it, and kicked him out.

LET them have the opportunity to be parents to him.

He only says he knows everyone will be happy if he stays with us. He also says no one cares if he is happy.

Admirable is not what I am trying to be. Of course I dont want him to go back and forth. The last time we talked I told him he cant go back and forth. He had to make up his mind what he wanted and stay or go. he said he was doing that. I will not let him stay if he is seeing her. I will find out if he is. It may not be immediately but I will. My plan is to trust that he is not seeing her and to give him what he needs as long as he is not seeing her.

I dont know what he has told the OW. I know two months ago he told her he was working out things with me. Since then I dont know. He cannot have too much contact with her because he is either at work or with me or his kids. He does leave on his own to have recreational time. He needs some time alone. There has been very little time for her. The only commuication could be by phone but it isnt too private where he works so it couldnt get too involved. I am not trying to kid myself. I know it could be going on.

I just think I have the upper hand.

Please let them. Look at it this way. Even if your H DID decide he no longer liked OW, and came back to you because nothing better was out there (sorry), he would never have learned what he did was wrong. He'd just be waiting for the PTY to come along. And each time he went and had an affair, it would get easier and easier, because you PROTECTED HIS SECRET FOR HIM.

This is NOT your H, lost, it's an alien. Your old H is in there, somewhere, buried by the chemical addiction to the affair.

He NEEDS you to fight for him. He NEEDS you to fight for your marriage, because he is currently incapable of doing so, being addicted.

If you would read some of the treads over on Recovering, you would see that the wayward spouse, once they are over the affair (AFTER the BS followed the MB advice and exposed), they often THANKED their spouse for exposing and for making them face the awful choices they made.

He NEEDS you to be the strong one - not the nice one.

And he NEEDS to hear from family and friends that they have lost respect for him, in order for HIM to see what he's done.

It is simple psychology, lost. Please listen to the advice you're getting. It's from people who know it works.

Have you talked to HER family?

His parents are very old. What if I told them and they got into a heated argument and had a stroke or something, I could never forgive myself. And I am certain no one else would either. I will still think about talking to his dad and see what he says.

There is nothing I would love more than to have everyone he loves telling him he is on the wrong path. Not to be angry with him but to help him see he is making a mistake. He cant see that you cant fall in love with someone for the reasons he has gotten close to her. He is hurting himself as much as he is hurting me.

Which is why you have to see this as helping HIM.

No. I haven't. Whar do I say to them? That their daughter is ripping my family apart and she has slept with my husband. She has gotten him to rent a house with her and they almost moved in together. He's given her money while we are struggling to stay afloat ourselves.

I thought about asking them to try to talk some sense into her. To make her see it didnt work the last man she got to leave his family. He committed suicide. Is that what she wants to happen again.