You can't expose until you have further evidence. Just keep watching, because eventually she may get sloppy. Since they work in the same place, there may not be that much electronic evidence, but sooner or later there will be something.

In the meantime, her behavior gives you enough solid evidence of infidelity that you should feel comfortable proceeding with your Plan A. Her reactions to that will be very telling.

I have no evidence that anything is currently active. My W told me about what happened last spring so do I really need any additional evidence that it once was, or do I need evidence that a A continues today?

If an A is not currently active and hasn't been for awhile do I still expose?

I have been in plan A for a couple weeks and her response has been very pleasant, she has been seeking time with me, upbeat, calling, interested in what I'm working on. She doesn't seem to be fighting me or angry that I'm trying to meet her ENs without LB's, good sign right?

The reason for exposure is to end the A. If the A has already ended, there is no reason to expose.

You have no proof that there was an A except for what your W told you. Now she's telling you that it's over. Is it? You have no proof it is. But, you do have red flags waving, my friend. Telling you she chooses a three week job over you, is very troubling. If she isn't having an A, then at the very least, she is a renter in your marriage and not a buyer. She is NOT committed to your M.

Several BS's have not heeded Dr. Harley's advice about insisting their WS quit their job in order to establish NC. And have come to regret it. This is the nature of A's. They all follow the same pattern.

My advice is to you is to call Steve Harley. And pick up some VARs, hide one in her car and where ever she likes to talk... and see what you pick up.

Yes, it is GOOD that you are meeting her ENs and not LBing her. Very good. And it is also good that she is allowing you to meet her ENs.

But, that doesn't mean she's not cake eating.

I hear you marsh, thank you for the advice. You are right she is not committed to this marriage. So I guess I'm going to stick with Plan A.

A couple updates, I have a friend in the school and she is aware of the situation and totally supportive of our marriage. She thought she knew my W, thought I did too. Anyway, she says that OM now has a pretty serious girlfriend, neither OM or W knows she knows about them. What do you think about putting pressure on OM to leave, W last year says he is very protective of his career and rep, could have fooled me.

Unfortunately, if he was there first, the onus really should be on her to leave. If you live in a state with tenure, that's a pretty big deal, and it would be the non-tenured teacher that would go if the system stepped in.

I hope the A is over, but if OM didn't mind having an A with a married woman, cheating on his GF might not bother him all that much.

You understand that Plan A is NOT meant to go on indefinitely. There has to come a time when she gets on board w/ recovering your M. And focuses on meeting your top ENs too.

If not, your taker will rear it's head and demand that she does.

Please, call the Harleys and talk to them. In an hour's time he will help you develop a plan.



What does a "serious GF" look like to a guy who would move in on a married woman? If he doesn't respect marriage, why would he respect a relationship outside of marriage? You know what I mean? Having a GF doesn't mean he wouldn't mind having your W on the side too.



How could you put pressure on OM to leave his job? If you can, I say go for it!

How could you put pressure on OM to leave his job? If you can, I say go for it!

I think the threat of exposure to co-workers and parents we both know may help with the pressure. The issue I face is that if expose him I expose her and at this point I'm not sure that is helpful because I dont have evidence that an A is active.

On another note, how the heck do you copy quotes like you do so I can respond to specific areas of a post? Thank you

Never threaten to expose. If you're going to expose, you just do it.

Otherwise you give them a head's up and then they can tell everyone that you are a NUT who is threatening them. So when you do expose, no one will take you seriously.

Again, I would urge you to call the Harleys. Not only do I think you need some direction from him, but he has talked sense into many WSs. And he may be able to get through to your W about the necessity of NC for life.

As it stands now, your M is in great danger. You have no idea how strong the pull is amongst affair partners. It is stronger than any addiction. I just can't warn you enough about this.


After you press reply under the person you wish to respond to, you scroll down and see their entire quote below the box where you write your reply in. Copy what ever you want to quote, and then look above your reply box to find the tiny box w/ the quote sign inside ["] click it, and paste what you copied between the two words quote that are surrounded by brackets.

Today isn't a good day for me. I wish so badly I had found MB sooner. Because I did not address the EA the right way from the beginning I feel like trying to go back and change directions will only prolong the pain and will push her away again. I feel my hands are tied.

Didn't expose right, didn't react right, didn't treat her right, have not protected myself the list is endless. Can anyone relate to this feeling of helplessness?

You know what would make you feel alot less helpless?

Calling Dr. Harley!

He will give you a plan that is just right for YOU. He will give you direction. And tons of encouragement!

Another thing that helps is to tell the other person "I'm so invested in fixing my marriage that I've been reading and studying and learning SO MUCH, that now I see what we both should have been doing to preserve our marriage. So, from this day forward, this is what I'm going to do." And then change course.

I dont know how much longer I can live in this state of limbo. My wife was suppose to be home today at 4:00 with the kids and difn't show up until 4:45. I know for a fact she was only at school and then picked up the kids, but no explanation from her as to what took her so long. She knows this upsets me ecpecially on Friday because she is at OMs building. I cant stand the lack of transperency. How I approach that or am I just suppose to ignore it? Please advise because it is all I can do to not start LBing!

It's OK to tell her you're upset that she was late. Tell her her work is already a trigger for you, but it is unbearable for you when she is late.

You can (and should) state how you feel. But, just state how YOU FEEL. Or what you want.

If you feel as though you are going to LB, tell her you need some air. And leave. GO for a good run. Burn off the anger energy you have.

And you're right, this is no way to live. You are triggered every single day she goes to work. You never get any rest from this nightmare.

How long have you been working Plan A?

I have been in plan A for a couple weeks, Dday on the EA was last Feb. I think I would be okay if I knew she was vested in the marriage and meeting some ENs. They say I said give plan A at least 6 months, I dont know if thats possible.

Really need advise from the vets!!!!
I grabbed the following from another poster who had a call with Steve Harley. I approach my wife with it and she is open to looking into the MB approach. I think she is even open to a joint call with Steve. Should I show her the MB website or should I just go right into a call with Steve.


Say: (1) �I talked to someone who had an interesting idea. Would you agree that the ideal scenario for you to be truly in love with the father of your (children)?�

Her reply was, "Of course, isn't that everyones dream"

he explained that she would try to change the question: �that�s not possible, too late, etc.� and that I should acknowledge that but return to the original question: �don�t you agree that the IDEAL for YOU would be that you would be in love with the father of your children?�
I am working towards getting a �Yes� to this question. And that it�s all about HER happiness.

Sequentially next: (2) �I�ve found an idea that the ideal scenario CAN happen and I�d like to see how you feel about gathering information on how.� �would you say it�s worthy of further investigation?�

Her reply, "yes, I'll do it"

(3) Encourage her to talk to Steve who �knows how to work with couples like us� and �I want to look into it WITH you because I might have blind spots, �need your help.�

*Important NOTE: Do not make her feel that talking to Steve is a commitment to do anything else. There�s no expectation that your beliefs will change. I won�t take it as an indication that this R can work.

�I�d like to look into what it would take for it to be possible� and �there�s reason to believe we haven�t been doing it right in the past/ haven�t had a goal.�
We�ve been moving but not in the right direction and not toward a common goal: a MUTUALLY enjoyable marriage.

Her reply, "How is this different from the love & respect class we took, or the marriage counselor's appraoch, which was all based on communication...

Tonight I told her how I felt when she was late today and didn't call. I said I felt disrepected and that it is not because I am seeking to controll her, just want to feel respected. If I felt that there was transparency into her thoughts and feelings and days, and felt she was vested in the marriage then I probably wouldn't feel this way.

I keep hearing from people here that I am triggered everyday she goes in there to work with OM, It was like that at the beginning, but to be honest I am not triggered that often anymore and suspect that will continue to reduce. I say this because one of the reasons for no contact is the feelings of the BS.

I know this is a brain dump, but can anyone offer any insights into any of the above? Thank you all for your support and effort, I hope I get to the point when I can give back to the community at some point.

This is very VERY good news!

I think you ought to hold off on bringing her here just yet.

Set up the appointment w/ Steve...right away!

Why don't you print out the questionaires on ENs and ask her if she'd fill them out w/ you. That would be a good start.

In the mean time, if you haven't ordered any of his books, do that too. "Surviving an Affair." "His Needs Her Needs", "Love Busters" and "Fall in Love Stay in Love" are all EXCELLENT.

The reason for NC for life is to protect your M from the A being rekindled.