You are getting great advice.

When did she meet OM thru your work? They may have started communicating shortly after they met... Like the others are saying, this has probably going on much longer than you think. Do you have access to her cell phone records or email?

mfoss,
What others here are saying is sadly, absolutely true.

What women decides to seperate from her H and children, unless she is hopelessly entrenched in an adulteres affair? The short answer is none!

Exposure of this A is the biggest weapon in your arsenal right now, so do not be afraid to use it. Her family, friends, coworkers, and your children, all need to know why mommy is moving out. And make no mistake, it is to carry on her A outside of your scrutiny.

Break the secrecy bubble by exposing to all who could have an influence on her. Exposure is like turning on the lights in a crack house. No addict wants that, and your WW is now addicted to her OM.

I am sorry you are here but you need to listen to what others who have walked your walk in front of you have to say. We know. BTDT.

All blessings to you,
Jerry

Well, I am going to shine some exposure on this thing which I imagine will bring all sorts of interesting things to light. I feel a weird mix of wanting to vindictively expose it widely to kill it, and also exposing it only enough to kill it and not hurt WW so we can get on to plan A.

Thanks again so much.

You're not trying to hurt her with exposure, you're trying to KILL the A.

There is no such thing as hurting a befogged WS. They have already decided you're beyond reach and redemption, so why not kill the affair?

We had talked about this last night, and she was against it, but ran out and phoned him, and then came back and said he would talk to me. I just asked for his number, and she has run out again. I am no longer going to talk to her about it, I am just going to do it.

Thanks for the voices of experience, you are soooooo right on so far.

mfoss, it is best to do your exposures in one day to get the maximum effect and to get it over with quick so you can get on with trying to meet her needs. Exposure will not hurt your wife, but it will hurt your chances if you don't do it right. For example, if you just do a little exposure, it will just be a little dribble that the affairees will easily overcome. If you just do a small amount, then the affairees will get to all other exposure targets FIRST and spin the story; they will pre-empt you. And pre-empting you will take away your ammunition because you will have been discredited before you get there. Exposure will not be effective.

Secondly, if you just do a little exposure and it is not effective [which it likely won't be] when you go to do some more, you will just causing ANOTHER blowup that will produce little to no effect because you will have been pre-empted. It is better to get it done in one fell swoop the first time so you can just move on to other things.

So, the goal is to do the most effective exposure possible and not be afraid of causing harm. Your spouse will be angry no matter what, but the wider the exposure, the more effective, because it will mean one less place your W and her OM have to hide.

Again, it should be done on the same day so it has a tsunami effect. Exposure targets should be:

1. OM's GF
1. your parents, your WW's parents, the OM's parents
3. close friends and siblings
4. employer [using the template we have]
5. your children
6. your wife and her OM's facebook friends

Since there is nothing wrong with her affair, according to her, then all you are doing is spreading the good news.

What did you have to talk to him about?

I would not bother with him right now. FIRST, expose this affair. Then you can have a visit with him.

And you are right about not talking to her about it. Don't forewarn her!

Whatever you do, don't tell your W you are going to expose this affair! Just do it!

Well, sadly I let the cat out of the bag before coming here. Anyhoo, I have agreed to not talk about it anymore with her and I will be doing it ASAP.

I am going to talk to him to ask him to not see her anymore, and to explain the situation from my perspective.

Thanks again. Rollercoaster. Further guidance welcomed.

mfoss,
talking to OM is pointless and fruitless. Do you really believe he cares about your perspective???
He knows your WW is M'd and he knows who she is M'd to. Did that stop him??

Don't waste your time on exposure targets that are of no use.

Follow Mel's target list.

All Blessings
Jerry

mfoss, give him your "perspective" like this:

Tell him he had better hang onto his [censored], because he is in for the fight of his life. Tell him there is no future for him with your wife becuase you will be fighting for your marriage. Tell him he will be eternally hated by your inlaws and your children as the scumbag who broke up their family. Tell him if this gets to any legal action, that you will sue for divorce on grounds of adultery and will have him hauled into court to give testimony under oath.

But before you do all this, EXPOSE the affair, mfoss. Do this before they pre-empt you with stories like "my H has lost his mind and imagines I am having an affair with XYZ. We are in the midst of getting separated becuase he has been abusing me for years so he imagines it is becaues of an affair." Then when you call the exposure target, you will have been discredited.

Can you expose the affair today?

Perhaps it would be helpful to post that here, or to provide a link. I had to write one (that I think was quite good -- but I don't know if it's had any affect).

I would appreciate any advice on writing the letters. links or copies of other letters would be good. I am working on a daft now.

She has agreed to go to counselling first thing tomorrow, and says she is afraid of talking to me without a 3rd party involved, because she feels threatened by the fact I may expose the A. So I am unsure as to exactly when and how I do this, but it is going to be ASAP, but practically may not be tonight.

If we go to counselling without me sending the message, how should I approach talking about this issue?

Again, advice very much appreciated. I can't imagine doing this without this resource and your help.

Here is what I have:

Hi all.

I am writing to give you an update about a painful situation I am going through.

Earlier this week, NAME informed me she wanted a trial seperation, as she was unhappy with our relationship and that it was over. Throughout the week we have been working through the mechanics of this.

I suspected, and was able to confirm that there is another party involved. I have asked her to cease all contact with this party while we work throught the details of our problems and seek professional help. She has refused to do this.

I feel it is not possible for us to work through this situation to any conclusion while she is still in contact with him. The relationship started very recently a far as I can tell, and has had innappropriate elements.

His name is NAME, and they met through work I was doing at COMPANY. He is also in a relationship.

So, I am sending this message to you to shed some light on the situation, and to ask for your help and support while we work through it. Please feel free to contact me directly if you can help in any way.

One more thing... what sort of reaction can I expect from people? I don't care too much, but I want to prepare myself for anything I need to.

Thanks!

mfoss, first off, you don't even want to send that via email. Make phone calls to everyone except her workplace and perhaps her facebook friends. If you send that out mass email you will have 2 or 3 who respond by trashing you and a select few will rile each other up. you don't need that.

CAll them up personally and tell them about the affair and tell them you are trying to save your marriage. Leave out all that other stuff and keep it SIMPLE. "My wife is having an adulterous affair with Joe Blow and wants to leave our family for her affair." That is all you need to say. All that other stuff is irrelevant pollution. Ask them for their support. Don't tell them about what she said, just tell them that a) she is having an adulterous affair with Joe XYZ and ask for their help. PERIOD.

Send her workplace a letter to the Director of Human Resources and cc a key VP and her supervisor.

Set down your kids and tell them the truth.

There is no reason to go to "counseling" while she is in an affair. That is a distraction because nothing can be done to save your marriage while she is in an affair.

You need to get moving on this exposure before she pre-empts you. It was a huge lovebuster and a strategic mistake to FOREWARN her. You only made her mad for no reason.

You can expect some ppl to be angry at you and say stupid things like "she has to follow her heart" and others will be extremely supportive. Some will be angry at you for exposing her. Thats ok. You are not doing this to get approval, and you will find out real quick who your real friends are.

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

She is very afraid you will interfere with her affair because she knows it will kill it. She wants to distract you by dragging you to counseling. It is a distraction.

She is terrified of exposure and I suspect it may be becasue she knows if his SO finds out, the affair will be over.

Why can't you expose this affair tonight?

Don't tell people any of this. Most of it are lies from your WW and is irrelevant and confusing to the issue. Most of the information came from your WW and is a lie.

Is the OM married? I suspect that is why your wife is so terrified. Can you call the OM's house and see if a woman answers?

mfoss, I understand your desire for action.

But your actions will work against you at this point.

Step 1: You need additional evidence to confront the affair. Don't take long, but gather it. You can google "snooping 101 site:marriagebuilders.com" to get some info here, but you want some concrete proof about the affair. In part, it is because some of the people to whom you expose will demand it -- or at least demand to know that you have it -- and you want to have your ducks lined up. Time is short; do what you can to get confirmation before separation.

Step 2: Start your "Plan A" according to Dr. Harley's outline in "Surviving An Affair". You want her to have wonderful memories of you, or at the very least, promising signs that you can fill her emotional needs. If you don't have a copy of this book yet, you can buy it using "Kindle for PC" and have it within SECONDS. Stay up all night if you have to: learn why affairs start, how they end, how they SHOULD end, and what YOU MUST DO to have the best chance of saving your marriage.

Step 3: Now it's time for the "nuclear exposure" we've talked about. Invite every person -- via phone or in person, not via mail if possible! -- who might be in favor of your marriage to know. I did my exposure with the following line, "FRIEND, I know you know WW well and love her. I believe because of that you're in the best position to help me. WW is having an affair, and I don't know what to do. I'd appreciate any advice you have to give."
Everybody loves to give advice. Only three of the several dozen I spoke to gave me good advice; the rest was crap.

Good luck!