OMG Chai!

I didnt log in for a couple of days and have just spent the last 10 mins on the edge of my seat reading your thread. Talk about nail biting

I am pleased its sorted now and I hope for a speedy ending to the lot of it.

LOL Lil. If this thing isn't over soon it is going to kill me. WH and his atty just keep trying to get around the decision. My atty is a pretty quiet guy, but he has had a few choice things to say this week some of which surprised me.
I feel like I'm always waiting for it to start raining shoes.

Fred, that was a good list and something I need to keep in mind.

My Dd is back to supervised visits with Chaibaby. They sent her for a urine test but she "couldn't go." They look at that as a positive test. It's a shame, but I have learned that I have done all that I can do now. Chaibaby's dad is doing very well, so I am hoping that he will be able to care for him at some point.

(((((CHAI))))) I wish there was something profound I could say or do. I really, really do.

You are smart. You are beautiful. You didn't ask for any of this. You are kind. You are loving. You are generous. You are one fabulous woman.

I just wish I had a magic wand.....

Chai, you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thread lightly and carry a big stick. Take care.

Chai, please keep us updated on DD and chai baby. We all hope for the best possible outcome for them both!! Just like marital recovery, personal recovery is sometimes a two-steps-forward-one-step-back process. Is it possible that's where DD is?

Chai,

I'd say that your attorney is what I call a 'sleeper'. Normally quiet & calm on the surface, but has a whole lot going on behind the scenes. Although I totally understand your apprehension, it sounds to me like he is getting well into full battle mode & is going to take care of business for you! When those quiet guys start letting the comments fly, watch out WS & a-hole WS attorney!!

I'm very sorry to hear about DD. I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but can only really offer my continued prayers in that regard. I am encouraged to hear that Chai Daddy is doing well & may be able to step up soon!

You hang in there lady! Sunny days are coming your way!

CL,



This is good to hear!



I know this hasn't been easy for you, and that you are eager to 'turn the page'. You are almost there.

Sorry to hear about your DD.


Yes, indeed, very hopeful!

CL

I continue to be pleasantly surprised by the number of young men who shape up when they have a baby.

Yes, in this case it seems that he cares more than my DD. He is doing well in his recovery and loves that little guy.

OK, I just need to vent a little tonight, so don't mind me. I may ramble a bit, and sometimes I feel like the biggest complainer on earth; the "oh woe is me" person, the gee, I feel sorry for myself person, the glass half empty person and so on. but here goes...

Monday was one of my worst days since Dday. I had a total breakdown when I thought the I had to give WH all of the only asset I had left. That later seemed to turn out OK, but of course I haven't had confirmation from my atty on anything after that so I still sit on pins and needles waiting for WH and his atty to come up with something else. Anywhoo....

For the last 6 years I lived DD's addiction on pretty much a daily basis. The fighting, screaming, yelling, demanding etc while WH travelled and was never around. After the move and initiation of Plan B, I moved about 30 miles away and didn't really have too much contact with her for almost a year because she was really deep into it. After chaibaby was born, I took him for over 8 months by myself. Now remember, I'm 55 years old, so getting up 3 times per night with a newborn and then getting ready and going to the shop all day was killing me. I took him to the shop with me when he was really little, but I pretty much let my business go. When DD got out of rehab the first time, I let her stay with me for a while. During this time I spent hours every week driving her here, there and everywhere for tests, outpatient treatment, etc. Many weeks I put 1000 miles on my leased car (and I am waaaayyyy over on mileage) and I spent a fortune in gas. Money I really couldn't afford to spend.

Since she has been in the second rehab (25 miles away in the opposite direction of my shop and the other grandparents house) I drive to get her every weekend and bring her here so she can spend the weekend with chaibaby. So I go get her, go get chaibaby, take her back, and take chaibaby back. Many weeks I keep chaibaby until Tuesday morning so I end up having him 4 nights total.

Needless to say, I let a lot of stuff go, including my business still. My attention is always diverted away from my business and my job search. Since DD has no income, I end up spending money that I can't afford on her.

Her attitude still sucks, and the time spent with her is not pleasant. She loves drama and conflict, and wants to argue about everyting and blame everybody else for all the things wrong in her life.

So I have pretty much devoted this entire year to taking care of chaibaby, and trying to get her straight, while pretty much putting my life on hold. What has WH done? NOTHING. Well, he did buy chaibaby a couple of outfits, a little plastic tub, and some diapers. He also paid DD's rent ($70) at the rehab when he was in town for court last month. Remember, he wouldn't buy chaibaby a crib because chaibaby was with me, so I had to open a Target charge and get a crib.

After my horrible Monday, I got news that Dd may have relapsed. She keeps saying she didn't, and I really don't know the truth yet.

But here's the big bomb - she is now pregnant again!!!!

I've spent the last 2 days in shock, trying to recover from that news.

She just doesn't get it. Does not live in the real world at all.

I am tired. I just can't do this anymore.

The other grandparents feel the same way.

This was totally irresponsible. She doesn't have a clue. The social worker says DD has it all figured out - welfare, food stamps etc. She was not raised that way.

And she says to me tonight - "My dad is happy for me."

WELL OF COURSE HE IS!!!! He goes home to peace and quiet every night; he doesn't drive hundreds of miles every week; he doesn't have to take care of a baby day in and day out; he doesn't have to deal with all the drama and conflict that she creates week after week; and he doesn't spend any money. OF COURSE HE'S HAPPY FOR HER.

So here is my question. Is it wrong for me to feel disgusted? At this point, I just don't even want to be around her, and I feel guilty about it.

She doesn't want to work, has no sense of responsibility, feels entitled, doesn't contribute to anything etc. Maybe it's the addiction, but she is a taker, and she has taken so much from me that I have nothing more to give. My love bank is way in the red. I feel used up by her AND by WH.

Am I being over reactive? Am I being selfish? Am I being a bad person?

I just want peace in my life. Is that too much to ask?

At least I feel a little better by venting about it, so thanks for listening.

Hi Chai-

No, you are not being reactive or selfish and you are definitely NOT a bad person. You have been dealing with your DD's addiction for a long time and you did everything you could to help her when you thought she had a chance of turning things around after chaibaby was born.

You sound like you are done giving her a safety net since she seems to be unwilling to stop jumping into deep seas without the ability to swim away from the hazards. You have done enough. Don't feel guilty. These are your DD's choices, not yours.

(((Chai)))

Does the second father have the abilty to care for this child?

{{{chai}}}

Get yourself to Alanon, narc anon whatever. YOU have to take care of you. You cannot fix DD. You can call cps if she is not taking care of the children. Hopefully chaibaby's father will get himself together and get full custody. (((Chai)))

Chai,

I know you love your DD, and I know that you are worn out.

She will NEVER get straight so long as she has a safety net. The only way she will TRULY want to get clean is if and when she hits rock bottom.

You're spending money on her that you don't have to spend. She doesn't appreciate that. Stop doing it.

YOU'RE the one who is worrying about getting her to and from treatment, so why should she worry? Hey, if she falls off the wagon, Mom will pick her up and put her back on it! Stop doing it.

YOU'RE the one who is fighting for ChaiBaby. Why should she do it, when Mom or ChaiBaby's other grandparents are taking care of him? Now, I know this is a tough one, because I'd fight to my last breath for any one of my grandchildren and to keep them in my life. He's the innocent victim in all this. But, again, she isn't doing much to ensure that SHE gets to raise her son, is she? She figures that the grandparents will take care of him, and when she gets "ready", she'll just waltz back in and take him.

Your DD is a wayward, too, Chai.

Sometimes, the best and most loving thing one can do for one's precious child is to let him/her fall until they crash. Yes, you risk losing them if they can't manage to pull themselves up, but haven't you already lost him/her?

Not saying that you can't offer a hand up, but YOU set the terms. She meets a goal, you give whatever real help you can.
The help you give may not be what she WANTS, but it should be what she NEEDS. For example, a good meal versus money. A bed for the night or weekend, versus money. With a drug addict, it's all about the money. Don't give her any.

I really hate the way your sorry-butt WH has treated you, Chai. But, you know what, he's never going to be happy. One day, he is going to see that he threw away the best thing he ever had, and it will be too late...already is, I think. Sucks to be him!

((((((Chai))))))

Chai,

Lordy girl! You have my number, , , Call me! I'm here for you!

There's so much I could try to post but I'm not going to even attempt it right now. Pick up the phone, I'm here!

Love ya!!

I am disgusted, completely and utterly.

She's like my uncle and father, who have their own habits and at 36 and 40 years old, STILL have no desire to fix themselves because they know their mom will pick them up.

It is time to go Plan B from DD. She will learn.

OMG....

Vent away. You need to. And is the father the same? Not that it matters, but ...

I'm sorry, Chai. I'm sorry.

Chai, I called you earlier before reading this. I agree about Alnon. One of my friends there her daughter is an addict and she has peace and serenity in spite it all.

Time to work on you and let DD take care of herself and her own responsibilities.

God Bless.

It seemed like she was doing so well there for a while...

Chai