Don't be. I'm reminded of the saying, "If you're in your twenties and you're not a liberal, you don't have a heart. If you're in your forties and you're not a conservative, you don't have a brain."

Or how about this one: Judgment is what one gains through experience. Experience is what comes from bad judgment.

At my age, women who lean to the "liberal" side of things seem flaky and detached from reality. It would seem other men share the same feeling.

I like this Fred. Interesting. I think men in their 40s are waking up to what is important to them that they blew off in their 20s. In fact, I'm talking to a man that I (barely) knew in high school who has said those very words to me recently. Btw, there is a chance that he is coming through town tonight to see me. Hoping for good judgment of my own!

dkd,
How goes it? Curious about how things are going with you and the other newly dating people here.

I have a question about the whole 'rebound' relationship. How can we dismiss the first relationship just out of hand like that?

I did see my friend from high school this past weekend. He even had his best friends (a long time married couple) and their 20 year old daughter meet us for dinner. It was a lot of fun, although clear that I was being....checked out by the friends.

He seems absolutely nuts about me. Everything feels good--we talk and talk and talk all hours of the day and night. I'm newly divorced from a long term marriage (26 years) and he from a 14 year marriage. He is so nice to me. So honest (it appears). There is very little room for bs from him due to the fact that we know 100s of the same people from our very small home town. Our paths have not directly crossed paths very much until now due to the fact that he has lived his life in the fast lane and I...have not.

He says all the right things...that he wants a decent life and he just wants to love and be loved. I'm very cautious very nervous but honestly feel myself being sucked in majorly. For a while he dated a woman that I graduated with and she sent me an email telling me that he is a great guy. His friends that came to have dinner with us think I'm the greatest...they know all my people back home and of course I went to school with the man part of that couple.

It is crazy and I am feeling tremendous fear. Do 'fast' relationships sometimes work out? I don't want to look back and regret walking away from this just because it came to me so fast after the divorce was final.

Oh, he looked at my FB pic for a month or two before he friended me....which happened to be JUST after my divorce was final. He told me that his X-GF...the one that I went to school with told him that he and I were both coming out of similar abusive bad marriages with crazy people and both wanted the same things and she thinks we are perfect for each other.

Could this be possible? How do these things work?

Sometimes, yes, usually, no. The reason is that "fast" implies some kind of lack of balance - why do things need to be fast?


Yeah, these words have been spoken by everyone who gets into a rebound relationship (including yours truly). The point is that right after a divorce, you are unlikely to know good from bad, so what feels so "magical" is likely just a new sort of attention that you have not had in years. That is necessary but not sufficient for a good long term relationship. The other stuff (compatibility) can only be explored through a long relationship, no fast track short cuts there.


Eh, that's pretty useless info, what someone's ex-GF says. The only two opinions that matter are yours and his, and only after many months of dating.

I'd avoid any fast track like the plague.

AGG

Thanks AGG. Your post helped to bring a few things into focus.

The ex-gf thing....you are right that is totally irrelevant isn't it. Crazy the things that run through my mind. I guess what it feels like is that all 'his' people are telling him, 'omg she is perfect for you.', yet I've not even told any of 'my' people about him.

And while I know it is, in the end, only his opinion and my opinion that matters, I feel that I am not telling my family and friends about him because I don't want to hear what they have to say.

Small towns are funny. We know so many of the same people very very well. Interesting piece of trivia....when I first came to these boards almost 3 years ago it was because I had discovered that my now XH was texting the wife of an old hs friend. That friend was married to the cousin of this man that is interested in me. And they are still very close.

Avoid fast track relationships...does that mean because it FEELS fast I should just stop it? Or does that mean just slow it down?

SW, I have dated for 8 years before getting remarried, and I'd guess that 90% of the women I met were told by their friends "omg he's perfect for you". But so what, *I* did not find *them* to be perfect for me, so that is why I said that what someone else says is almost irrelevant, unless it is a cautionary note. Those I'd listen to very carefully. Which begs the question, why have you not told your people about him? Is he from the wrong side of the tracks or something?


Which would be what?


No, it does not mean STOP. It means slow down. People newly out of marriages (you, him, me 8 years ago) tend to naturally want to rebuild and restore, i.e. jump back into a relationship that would hopefully lead to marriage. Some folks here call it "spouse shopping".

In reality, that is the last thing you should be doing right now. You can certainly meet men and spend time with them, but not with the goal of creating a relationship, but checking out what you want and don't want in a partner. The more Mr. Wrongs you'll meet, the more you'll know Mr. Right when you meet him. When someone comes on so strongly, like this guy has, it tells me that he is also aching for a relationship, and is not willing to let it develop naturally over many months. He wants to put the cart ahead of the horse ("all my friends love you"). I would not at this point narrow yourself down to any one man. Sure, meet Mr. Eager, but feel free to meet other guys and see if you are more compatible with them than with him. Play the field.

AGG

Religion. That sums it up. He is a former bad boy...stunt man, race car driver, motorcyle racer. He has 2 kids, 2 step kids that he raised, and a loooong and colorful past. All of that wouldn't matter as much to my people as the fact that he is not of my religion.

What would they say? You are a very very nice person and you are being seduced by a bad boy. Shrug. They would say that I just got out of a 26 year marriage where my husband did not practice my faith...why would I want to jump back into such a relationship. The thing is....he feels different. This guy...he is telling me he has been around the block and he knows a good person when he meets her. That he will do what it takes to prove to me he loves me and can make me happy.

I seem to attract men who will do ANYTHING to have me. When I was still married a man who worked with my now WXH was helping me with inside info on the affair....he became obsessed with me to the point he was telling me he would convert and marry me immediately! That is creepy. Even after he found a girlfriend of his own he let it be known *I* am the one he wants.

Half of me wants to do what feels good, and half of me wants to put on the breaks and go back to my standard of only dating in my faith.


I think that is his reason. He says it is. I am not his type AT ALL.

I do like your comment though that just because he thinks *I* am perfect for him doesn't mean he is perfect for me. That is what is hard...What might be perfect for me might not feel this exciting, who knows.

I've been alone too long. Ugh.

Hmmm, I would definitely listen to your friends on this one. This falls under the Big Three areas of Money, Sex, and Religion. If either one of you is very religious, then that difference could be very problematic unless you are both truly OK with the difference.


And I know how that is, as I fell for a "wild woman" after my divorce, who seemed so fun and exciting. And wow, she was SO wrong for me, I am glad I woke up before she reeled me it. She too was on the "fast track" to get married, it was scary.


Which is kinda silly because he does not know you enough to know what would make you happy. He may be excited by what he sees so far, but he really does not know you, so all these promises are empty.



Well, the problem with the "opposites attract" thing is that usually opposites do not attract permanently . BTDT. I am huge fan of finding someone as similar to you as possible, for the best longterm compatibility. Read the book "Will our love last?", it was by far the best compatibility book I read.


Then you probably won't be compatible in the longterm.


I know what you mean. And I am not saying you should not date. Just don't jump into anything too fast. You'd hate to find yourself wishing you were alone again .

AGG

SW...I think you should go back to some of your earlier posts and earlier threads. An overriding theme of your dissatisfaction with your XH was the fact that he did not convert to your faith.

When you posted your 'top 10'...what you wanted in your next LT relationship, what was at or at least verynear the top of the list?

Religion.

Why is it different now?

I think this is it. HE is fine with it. He would go with me. None of the people in HIS life think it is a deal breaker at all. But that is because no one in his world, including him, is very religious. *I* am. Or I'm suppose to be. Ugh. Right now I am feeling like all I want is him. That is a red flag I know.


In fairness to him he is not wild now. He is a really really nice guy--works hard, takes care of his children...the oldest of which lost her mother 3 years ago. We want many of the same things. Time with our kids, looking forward to grandkids someday, time with each other. He doesn't know the terminology, but he understands how important it is to spend time together. He is disgusted that my Xh never did anything with me or our son. He is affectionate with words and in person. I didn't realize how much I've been missing someone being nice to me. Being affectionate toward me. Conversation. We talk and talk and talk and then talk some more. His XG told me that he likes to talk and he likes to listen. And it is true.


I keep telling him that too. He seems so sure. Here is the thing: He has known a lot of women and I have known almost no men. I half way think he DOES know what HE wants...me. But that doesn't mean I know what *I* want.


I will get the book...thanks. When I say that we are opposite...and that I'm not his type...I mean that I am not the type he normally would be interested in. He said that. We talked about how we wouldn't have liked each other at all in high school. He talks about how he realized about 5 years ago that he was making his own problems by choosing the wrong kind of woman. I think his decision to look at a different type of woman (me)was very deliberate.

Thanks for your feedback AGG. It is helping me sort it out.

OH, thanks for the 2 X 4. I know I need to hear this. Bottom line is it should be a deal breaker for me. However, I would like to comment about WHY it was such a problem in my marriage. First of all XH DID convert. BEFORE the wedding. Then he immediately, well with in 2 years, just stopped. (Not only stopped but went back to being a wild child, which of course is what we were--children.) And I was furious. I spent many years being angry. By the time I was finished being angry over it, he disconnected from me totally and we led separate lives.

This man wants to be part of my life. Whatever that is....when I talk to him on the phone and tell him ds is wrestling with the dog and we are watching sitcoms...he has a longing in his voice to be here with us. He talks about day to day life and there is no doubt he is dead serious about me. I asked him if he always moves this fast and he says he has NEVER ever moved fast.

Oh and apparently I remind him of the girlfriend he had in his 20s who died of a brain tumor.

How long has he been single?

AGG

separated since July..divorce final in October.

I know you don't want to hear this SW, but I'm still not getting a warm fuzzy feeling about this.

SW, I'd actually be concerned that he wants to be involved with your kids right away. To me, that's way down the road. Regardless of how bad he wants a family, there needs to be you and him first.

Honestly, I think all the little things about dating our so heightened after divorce. it's like eating chocolate for the first time after abstaining for years. Things will settle down eventually.

I'd like to think that I can use my head and trust my feelings less when it comes to dating early on. I don't ignore my feelings, but I cannot let feeling trump logic. Radical honesty with yourself has to be in heavy doses.

As far as my situation, it's not going anywhere, we are friends, but not getting any closer, and she's not really showing anything to think she might be interested in more. I have to think that's likely for the best, and that the Lord is looking out for me by not making this easy. Things will change in time, and either the time will be right or I'll lose interest and be glad nothing ever really happened.

Honestly, when I try and look and things objectively, all the ups and downs I've had since divorce have really helped me to grow and I'm thankful for that.