Just a key, thedude:

Don't read, don't post, and don't link your wife's thread any further. Seriously, we've seen enormous blow-ups from spouses attempting to defend themselves on their spouse's threads. Just avoid it, let her say what she wants as she wants to over there, and if you do read it, don't bring up what you've read to your spouse; it will just be a Love-Buster and make her want to avoid you, the board, or all of it.

That is very very smart, thedude. Very good decision!

As for your WW going through withdrawal, I just wanted to mention that an A has the same effect on the brain as any other addiction ~ so your WW truly is going through a painful experience right now.

And a hit of the crackpipe(contact w/OM) will set her withdrawal clock back to zero, and she will have to start all over again ~ so it is vitally important to eliminate all the ways in which they had contact. If he had her cell phone no., you guys need to get that changed. Same with email, etc, etc.

I will avoid her post, thanks for the advice. I can see the downsides.

Thanks for the ideas on changing the cell number and email. Once the dust has settled from Saturday's contact with OM. Those will be addressed. The only problem is that they communicated on her work number as well, and changing that would cause problems with her business. Though there might not be an option.

thedude,

You do not know what is helping and what is not. Many FWW's have cried on first reading responses here. Hearing other people refer to what you thought was a beautiful relationship as degrading and selfish will usually shock a naive poster to tears. Those who are seeking to leave their bad behaviour behind will reflect on what was said and later see the value in it. A truly former WS will one day look at their first posts with embarrassment, and feel gratitude for the wake-up responses.

You were told to stay off your wife's thread, and you should do that. Do not try to protect your wife from hearing the truth about her own actions.

Actually my comment on that thread was not altogether about defending my wife. I understand that harsh words are sometimes needed in order to "wake someone up". I fully expected that she would receive some harsh replies and hoped they would start her thinking.

However, sarcastic remarks are not the best approach to changing how someone thinks. How helpful is a tool like this if the person doesn't come back or questions it's validity because of childish behavior?

Adults can see childish behavior and are not scared off by such behavior.

Adults are able to be called on their own childish patterns of thinking and learn more mature ways of dealing with it.

So while on one hand, it's admirable you would check up on what was making your wife cry. I assumed defense, apparently you are just check in on her.

On the other hand, what you did may be taken by her as she is unable to take care of herself.

Only she will really know how she feels.

Perhaps the MB learning point for you is for you to ask her how she wants you to respond.

I believe you are aware that BOTH you and her have work to do. You can't sit back and just see if she comes around.

Your part in breaking through the fantasy with a better reality is to be her partner. That may mean asking her what she needs from you, and not just assuming you know what to do, or that you need to look out for her.

It's an opportunity to be a team, ask her what she needs/wants and then bring that about.

Demonstrating that you are willing to listen to her desires and preferences and act upon them.

Maybe not scared off, but loss of credibility certainly occurs and you are less likely to use the resource.

Well, hopefully it won't be her last visit. I'm not going to push the issue. At the moment I have other tasks on my plate.

Don't let your W get away w/ dismissing every one of the replies she received b/c she didn't like ONE of them.

She may be looking for an excuse not to be here.

If she went away because of one little comment about the fantasy of "soul mates" she is almost certainly looking for an excuse not to be here. I read through all of the responses on her thread, and people are being extremely gentle with her. Usually, people are nowhere near this easy on foggy waywards. And your WW is still very foggy. There isn't much anyone can do to help her until she's ready to accept their help.

I have no doubt she is in a complete fog at the moment, and completely susceptible to all the pitfalls. At the moment all she wants to do is get through this phase, and then start the counseling process

In all honesty she posted at my encouraging. I was hoping it would give her a little hope and build her confidence in the MB process.

She mainly just wanted advice on this withdrawal phase. I told her that several people in her shoes were very interested in talking to her and they might be able to provide some help.

The attacks weren't entirely expected, and in her current mood her reaction doesn't completely surprise me.

You got that right - she's shaken to the core by OM. I agree with Barnboy - keep separate threads. See what happened when you went there - you felt you had to defend her. I'm in agreement also with Marsh on your WS's motivation. I sense she just wants to prove that she tried and failed so she can justify leaving you to be with her "soulmate". I hope I'm wrong. My two cents.

Gg

Harley's response to WW on Rules to Recovery

The link is a good one for WW and what it will take to R a M.

Gg

The problem is, the folks who've answered her, even those who were sarcastic have millions of times more credibility than she does right now.

As other s have rightly pointed out:

1. Soul mate is an immature construct.
2. Even if she still wishes to hold on to that idea, and it is like believing in the Easter Bunny as I said before, to paint the picture regarding the displayed emotional maturity to believe in such a thing, there were many other valid comments that had nothing to do. So if she walks because she's offended that we are not buying what she's selling, then you better watch your back, because she's not buying into building her marriage.

Oh, I agree completely, she has no credibility and quite frankly I'm pretty sick of all this whining regarding something that went on for about 2 months. I guess that would be my "taker" talking.

Right now, I'm hoping that all this is because of the withdrawal. This is not her normal persona at all or I wouldn't have married her.

Just a matter of patience now

I think your W is more angry than sad.

She's PO that you caught her, exposed her A to OMW, made her write that NC letter.

If she were really as depressed as she has claimed, she'd be here posting 24/7 trying to figure out how she can lesson her suffering...and put her family back together.

Don't let her play the victim card. Hold her feet to the fire.

thedude: A few people have suggested this on your WW's thread, but I don't think she's listening, so I'll suggest it here as well, presuming you're being a good boy and not reading her thread. Dr. Harley also makes a similar suggestion somewhere on this site.

Try spending some good, quality time with your WW. Take her out on a date, or preferably, on a little mini vacation if you can, just the two of you. My BH took me on a two-night stay to a very nice hotel about an hour away in the early stages of my withdrawal. We didn't talk about relationship stuff. We just walked through the gardens and drove up to one of our favorite spots in apple country and went out to dinner. The more time you spend with your WW doing pleasurable things right now, the more deposits you will make in her LB, and the more warm fuzzy feelings she will start to have for you. I know it's hard to think about doing something like that right now, but it really does work. The more you start to rekindle your WW's feelings of love for you, the more she will forget about the OM. Remember, he was filling up that LB for her pretty well during the A, and now that she (presumably) has NC, she is probably missing that very much and feeling very lost and empty inside.

She isn't going to be her normal self for awhile, and yes, much of that is because of the withdrawal. Withdrawal is often two steps forward and one step back. It takes a lot of time an patience to work through this phase. I hope your WW comes back on her thread. She is getting a lot of excellent advice. Probably none of it is what she wants to hear right now, but it is definitely what she needs to hear.

thedude,

The "woe is me" card is one a WS frequently plays. Try not to feed into that behavior, maybe just redirect her to something positive about the family, maybe a trip you guys have been planning? something...

Anyway, I am more concerned about maintaining NC. You said NC was broken on Sat. When was NC first established? When was your DDay?

Hang in there.

She's both angry and sad at the moment. More sad than angry, she pretty much cries all the time for no reason.

As for her thread, I think she is still reading it. But she was really turned off by the sarcasm. She recognized that there was some good advice as well. She is definitely playing the "woe is me" card at the moment. She's talking with several of her girlfriends and her folks about this, and they are encouraging her to maintain the NC.

DDay was around 11/6

I've blocked FB at home and at her office. It will only be available for either of us when we are home together, and the OM has been blocked. However, I can't control the phone. I will be getting all phone records for home, office, fax, and mobile.

She does seem sincere about maintaining the NC because she knows this "misery" will continue until she can move past it and onto the next step, i.e. counseling.

However, it wouldn't take much for her to stray right now. We do have a date planned for the beginning of Jan, a concert. Although I have been considering something sooner as well.

She needs to get off facebook entirely. What happens when the next old boyfriend contacts her? She's proven she lacks appropriate boundaries.

I agree, she has built such a fantasy in her mind about OM, that having it in the home will be a trigger and will keep her stuck. It would be prudent remove it all together.

What about your suggestion about blocking it at the router? so that it can't even be accessed?

When was NC first established? How many times broken?