Excellent points. I'll bring this up at a session with our counselor. I think he'll help the discussion. As I said, I don't want FB to become a LB for us. But you're correct - I can see where it hill hinder the re-connection between us.

Thank you

I can see the point of it being a "trigger" as well, and will likewise discuss it with the counselor. I also don't want this to create any negative issues (more than it already has), so i'm just taking it slow.

For the moment, blocking it at the router and only turning it on while I am at home and nearby is working. Generally it is only accessible for about an hour.

the Dude,

First a comment. Please do yourself a favor and don't try to minimize conflict as the solution to your problem. Your problem right now is the affair and not her anger, possible anger or resistance to the things you need in order to accomplish NC as the first of many steps to recovery and building a happy marriage for both of you. You cannot placate her into loving you again.

You don't have to get in her face every waking moment and should try to avoid any discussion of relationship stuff except for planned discussions that do not take up all of the time you have together since it will be your recreational time together that will begin to allow you to reconnect with each other. However, do NOT allow the look of sadness in her eye to dissuade you from making decisions about things that will bring an end to the affair for good.

As for the FB account... It has already been pointed out that you can deactivate an account but never really delete it. It remains there waiting for you to reopen and can be brought right back into existence with a very few keystrokes. I know you have blocked it at your router but what prevents her from using some other Internet connection to connect to FB?

So how to get rid of FB all together? First, establish a throw-away email account for which only you have the password. Then have her change her settings to link to the new email. Then have her delete the account, you change the password for FB, then change the P/W for the email. Also push for her to change her email address and maybe change the password for the current one to something you know but she does not.

I know this sounds like overkill, but you'll sleep at night if you know that FB is gone from her life. As long as it is still there as a possible means of contact you won't sleep much.

I know that she could simply set up a new FB account after all of the above is done, but having raised a daughter that is bipolar I can tell you that in a moment of weakness it can be very difficult to overcome a whim of the moment. To make it harder to gain access to FB from any computer and not just those under your control makes it less likely that such a whim will result in contact.

A future FB account though possible also tells you something about her ability to keep boundaries in place that will prevent the rekindling of an affair in the future. By making it hard to accidentally in a moment of weakness have contact means that only a purposeful act can reactivate her presence on FB.

Lastly, an affair is not LIKE an addiction. It IS an addiction. The affair makes her feel good, happy, connected, and there is an intimate bond involved. There's a chemical for each one of those feelings and an affair produces them all, just like prolonged alcohol or drug use.

Mark

well, after speaking with the counselor at length about this, we have decided to keep FB around under certain restrictions, the OM is blocked, and FB is blocked at the router at home and at her work. An initial agreement was reached that the resentment created by totally blocking outweighed what might be gained.

If it becomes an issue, then it will go away, that has been discussed as well. I believe she realizes that the miserable feelings won't go away until she has gone through the process.

Right now, we appear to be the pretty typical couple going through the withdrawal phase: Good days, Bad Days, doubts, etc. It sucks. It's been a little over 2 weeks and the worst appears over, but there is still more to come.

We're spending as much time together as we can, having fun, will likely try ballroom dancing (that will be really good for laughs), showing affection, basically starting over.

Our counselor likes the MB method, and we will likely start as soon as we are at the right point in time. For now, we are just keeping it simple.