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BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84 D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09 WH and OW broke up 1-09 Started over 7-09
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Chai, you have to step out of DD's way for her to get thru this addiction. Stop helping her do the right thing. She must choose it for herself. I know this is easier said, as I am not the poster child for patience, but I know that it really is the key.
I would suggest that you do what you can to remain in Chaibaby's life, but you cut the cord on DD. She must feel her own weight in order to know how to stay above water.
I love you Chai. Please give yourself a break. Care for yourself, put yourself first right now, so that you can heal. That is not going to happen so long as you take others' problems upon yourself and try to save them from themselves. Start by taking care of you...then, when you feel strong enough, reach out again.
This is long, so I'm sorry for that, but, as I look back on the last 4 years, now, I see my lack of patience as being a huge roadblock for me. Patience and faith that the right outcome will happen. Even after FINALLY hunkering down in Plan B, I still didn't learn patience. I forgot what I had learned while quiet in Plan B. I learned to let go of those things I cannot control. I forgot how to be still. I was actually relieved this morning, as I was driving in to work, to come to the realization that patience is key for me. I cried with the grief over the stress I was causing myself. The weight I have put myself under.
Let go, Chai.
Last edited by silentlucidity; 12/06/09 11:09 AM.
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
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A good refresher for all of us who have forgotten how to detach and let go... How to detach I feel better just having read the first few lines.
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
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SL... Detachment is a good reminder for those of us in "not quite stellar" Plan B's. I personally tend to poke a stick at him when I want to mess with him which is NOT detachment. He needs to figure it out on his own. I can't push him off the cliff no matter how hard I try. I need to turn it over to God... the "higher source" referenced in the article.
And CL... DD has nine months to figure out #2. Don't take this responsibility upon yourself. She needs to grow up and face the music.
M 25 yrs, 3 teens Dday 12/07 5ish False Recoveries (all in 2008) 12/08 WH moves in w/OW, her kids Plan B/D/FU -- depending on the day He files 1/09; D final 12/2012 "I'm moving on"
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Chai, my best friend's sister was a drug addict. She could talk her way into any situation, meet any celebrity...she had IT. But IT got her into all the parties and drugs, all before the age of 20. She straightened up once, got married, had two beautiful kids, and started using again. She ended up losing those two kids to her EX-husband and his family. She went through several more cycles of my friend and her parents picking her up again and again and again, making sure she would make it 'this time.' Then she got pregnant on her last time out of prison, had it while in prison, and my friend - who had eight kids of her own - took that baby and raised him as his own - drug issues and all. Her sister gave up all rights to that child.
She is still in prison. Because (1) her family kept propping her up, making it 'easy' on her, and (2) the last time she was so desperate for drugs she messed up legally so badly that she won't get out for decades. At least she won't (hopefully) have any more kids who won't know their mother.
The point is, it's the support, the not having to hit rock bottom, that hurt her in the end cos she never had to do the hard work herself.
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I agree with all of what Johnstwin said. These are DD's choices, not yours.
But one thing further - these choices and their outcomes are not your responsibility, either.
Not even the baby-on-the-way.
Maybe, when you recover a bit from your shock, you can spend some time thinking about how to take care of _you_. Addicts - wet or dry is about the same unless working their asses off in recovery, and she's obviously not - will suck you completely dry. No wonder you're exhausted. Of course you're exhausted.
You'll find the path forward. You just don't have to find it today. Or tomorrow. Take some time for you. :-)
Hugs,
- M
Me - BW/BS Age: 56 Married 7 1/2 years Divorced Jan 2010 EA began '07 PA began Jan '08 Found out July 2008 Found MB September Plan A 09/03/2008 I filed D 10/31/2008 Dark Plan B began 11/09/2008 Emerged from Plan B 11/15/2009 Court date (final) scheduled for 12/16/2009 Divorce Final January 2010 Plan B recommenced upon Divorce
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Chai, I can't begin to tell you how bad I feel for you right now. What your DD is doing is totally irresponsible and I'm horrified if social services lets her keep those babies. We know you love chaibaby, but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice everything for him. You need support from your social workers. I'm guessing there's a different baby daddy this time? Let him carry the weight.
Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS Status: Chronicled in Dr. Suess's "The Zax"
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(((((Chai))))) - Please take care of YOU. Trust God to take care of those babies. He may have a totally different plan in mind. Yanno?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Let go and let God. Praying with/for you all the way........ Fox
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Thanks all, your support is about the only thing that keeps me going these days.....
I'm just plain tired.
She says the father is the same guy. He is upset. Evidently she told him she was on birth control when she wasn't. I believe this is her way of trying to hold on to him because she sees him doing so well and pulling away from her.
Her urine test came back negative for street drugs, but they think she bought some prescription drugs which didn't show up.
She had a court review this morning and they took away unsupervised visits with chaibaby. Chaibaby will remain with the other grandparents, but she is not allowed to go there and I am at the point where I don't want her at my place either. She loves to live in a constant state of conflict and drama. I had hoped that attitude would change but I doubt it. She has a "welfare" mindset and I just don't see it changing. She lives off others, and really contributes nothing. She graduated college over 3 years ago (after taking 7 years to get through) and hasn't been able to hold any kind of job. Three weeks is about the max. It just gets old.
Anyway, you all are very right. I need to pull away and let her do what she is going to do. I am letting her drag me down and I can't continue to do it. I know that I cannot take another newborn. Neither can the other grandparents.
WH is really the smart one. He walked away from it and I'm thinking that is what I should do too. I just feel sorry for chaibaby. He is the happiest little guy. Always smiling, talking, and doing cute things. I just wanted him to have a normal family, but the other grandparents are older than I am and we all agree that we just can't keep raising babies. Heck, I'm having trouble supporting myself right now.
But as I have been reminded many times - WH is happy for her.
Anyway, thanks for your support.
Bugs, I didn't have your number with me Saturday, but thanks for the offer. Let's try to get together if you are out this way.
Getting ready to call my atty to see if I am D'd yet.
I would think that I need to sign something, but haven't been asked to sign anything yet.
I just need to get accesss to my retirement fund so that I can get my bills paid.....
BS - me 56 XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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I know it is tough, but the best thing you can do for yourself and (in the long run) DD is to let her go, let her find her own place to live, let her pay for it all (or not), don't give her money, don't allow her to guilt you. I live with my dad, but no matter how much he has been angry with me for taking DS out of his care these last couple of weeks, it hasn't bothered me a bit. I love him, and the best thing for our relationship is me being honest with him and not allowing his FEELINGS or even how he feels about me to deter me from doing what is best.
Dad thinks that is cold, because he is soooo used to my sister being there for all of his bullpuckey. ENMESHED, is what I would call their relationship. My sister worries over his drinking and his weight and his heart (he had a heart attack some years back due to artery blockage). I don't worry. I THINK about it, but I have no control over what the man does to his own body, or his choices.
Chai, you cannot change DD or how she thinks and feels. Just because she says something bad about you doesn't mean it is so. She's an addict who will walk all over ANYBODY in ANY WAY to get what she wants. She CHOOSES this life, Chai. Let her live the FULL brunt of her choice. Perhaps it will lead to better ones.
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
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Thanks SL. I know that you are right. It has taken me a long, long time to finally understand that. I do need to attend some ALANON meetings rather than keep learning the hard way. It just seems to be one of those things that I put to the back burner because of too many other things to deal with.
My focus now has to be on my job search. I may have another interview coming up here soon, so I am keeping my fingers crossed. I think that once I get some income, I will be better able to focus on the other things I'm dealing with. It's getting to the critical point. I know that you were in the same sitch in AZ, so you know the feeling. It's like you are dehydrated and starving and you need to get water in your system before you just die. UGH
BS - me 56 XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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It just seems to be one of those things that I put to the back burner because of too many other things to deal with. I've never been, but I can't think of a single person who has, who hasn't said it's been a godsend to them - given them the support and reassurance and faith and...peace. I think you'd do well with it.
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I've never been, but I can't think of a single person who has, who hasn't said it's been a godsend to them - given them the support and reassurance and faith and...peace. I think you'd do well with it. I've heard the same thing Cat. I am going to start thinking about it the same way as I think about MB. If it is anything like MB, it has to be good.
BS - me 56 XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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I did go to Anon meetings, and then just did online meetings. I read a lot and just forced myself to begin applying the teachings. At first, people around me were very angry, probably because I made such DRASTIC changes. I figured just changing what I did and how I handled things would eventually become part of my behavior, and now it IS. Most of the reason I am moving is because of my Zero tolerance. My dad is not bad every day, but that's no excuse to stay in the situation. Sure, SOMETIMES he's great, but most times, he's drunk or on his way...
You will feel empowered, and more at peace and unafraid to live your life in the ways that are best for you.
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
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Oh, sl, you just reminded me of a great book.
Chai, have you read The Dance of Anger? It's an amazing, simple little book that shows us how to detach - with love. And yes, people get angry when you change the dance, so it helps you learn how to do it while still showing them you love them. It talks about parents, kids, siblings, spouses...all those people we continuously prop up, at our own expense (and to their detriment, like your daughter).
Awesome book!
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I heard a great quote recently. Sorry, forgot the source.
"Think of how hard it is to change YOURSELF and you realize how impossible it is to change someone else!".
So true!
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Hi Chai- Call if you want to.
johnstwin-
"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther
Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!
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Chai needs us right now. The written divorce agreement didn't come out quite as she thought and she lost MORE money.
Please send her your loving thoughts and strong prayers..
We LOVE you CHAI... We are right here..
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84 D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09 WH and OW broke up 1-09 Started over 7-09
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Thanks Queenie.
Well, my atty said that it should be final today. Another change. I withdrew $30K two years ago (from my 401) to move my business. In the decision, the judge clearly wrote that I would not have to split $30K with WH. After WH's atty kept going back for "clarification" the judge now decided that I do have to give him half. So now I have to give him $40K instead of $25K. I was OK with the decision before, but now I feel cheated. Maybe in the scheme of things, $15K isn't all that much, but it is a lot to me since I don't have an income right now and need every penny to survive.
I just have to "get over it" and go on with my life.
BS - me 56 XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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