We found out who our true friends are, as well. One of them who didn't make the cut, I'm sorry to say, is a decades-old friend of my H who knew about the A before D-Day and didn't counsel him to get out of it. Chop chop...friend is now off our 'friend list.'

That goes for me, too. A decades-old friend, it turns out, is still "buddy-buddy" with WW, telling me to my face how much better off I am now, and then "ratting" to WW about things I share with him in confidence.

He was the first one on my tree-trimming party guest list. He's now the first one off it.

We, too, had to get rid of the toxic "friends". Good Riddance!

Life is too short to surround oneself with people like that. It's a sad thing to have to do, but one that was very easy when you could see the damage it was causing.

Our M was worth MUCH MORE than that!

"He was the first one on my tree-trimming party guest list. He's now the first one off it."

Tree-trimming party? NOT

Hey, it was advice given to me here! And I don't EVER turn down advice given here.

Dear Lost:

I want you to know that I empathize with you. My husband, i feel was so lost, confused, so starved for attention, attention I had refused to acknowledge, that he was ripe for an A. So when the younger, much younger woman, started showing him anything but friendship, he jumped at the chance to feel loved, wanted, desired, cherished, important.....

I am not saying he was right, I am not saying that I take on any responsibility for his choice to walk outside our marriage, however, I am saying that under the right circumstances any and all of us are vulnerable.....and he was.

When I learned, from him, what his intentons were. I went in to fighting mode.. I did not fight the way MB says completly. We are all individuals, and so are our marriages. I have known my WS for 28 years. Yes he is an alian now, but he wasn'T always.. I can see the man inside. He is racked with guilt and confused with what he needs and what he wants.

I have been willing to try and meet the obviouse untill I can see he is making choices and decisions based on a WS mind or a RWS mind or an I am leaving you mind.

It is not popular, nor is it easy. I don't feel we have to agree or put in to practice 100 percent MB philosophy. There are alot of things i would have done differently, but we are here now.

you know your husband, even the alian husband has some of the same characteristics, meet the needs you know he has, hang on to yourself as best you can....and when it all becomes to much....Plan B.

I have been doing Plan A for 9 months...I just can not give up. There are moments when it is just him and I...I am looking to turn those moments into hours, into days.......

Ok Fred, be careful. There are total geeks on here. They know a lot about MB, but little about being cool(which is what the ladies like). Let me help you w/ that. Please don't have a "tree trimming party". Please have a football watching party where some guests might throw a few glassy items on your tree. DUDE

lol, dude

But betty - do you think it would help to go 100% MB? Maybe those hours WOULD become days...a lifetime...

Betty I'm not familiar with your story, but 9mos of Plan A has to have been alot to take. I think you may be doing your own self's healing a disservice by remaining in Plan A for so long.

I've been here for two years, while not as long as some of the Vets, it's been long enough to see plenty of marriages fail by using Plan Betty and Plan Lost; granted I've seen some fail using Plan MB, as well, but I haven't seen ONE recovery with Plan Betty or Plan Lost, and I've seen a number with Plan MB.


My BS heart goes out to you two. You are worth more than what you are putting up with.

Do not misinterpret what i am saying. I have been following MB to the best of my ability. That being said, there were some things that i did not do, ie. exposure....by the time i found this web site, it was null and void. I did go with my gut instinct and i don't thing i was 100 wrong. nothing is 100%. right or wrong. my WS has done NC, we are moving forward, we are building on what we have and what we have lost. We have done 2 of the questionnaires, we are waiting for the SAA book.. i just meant to say that i did not follow completely 100% the rule book from MB. Wrong or right, it is what it is. and i think we are moving forward to recovery. not because i feel it, but because he has exhibited the things that have been mentioned here.

this is a wonderful tool, this forum, but nothing is set in stone. i was just trying to convey that even if we don't follow 100%, there is still hope and recovery. By the time i found this website, exposure was not an option. there are more than just 1 road to recovery.

i was just trying to say, that like me, 28 years of knowing someone should account for something. yes, he is an alian, but an alian with a past. if we can connect to that past, we will know how to reach him.. history accounts for something.

i am not discrediting this program. i believe in it and am proacticing every portion i can. so please bear with me.

never, never, never should you agree 100% with anything without question, if you do, one of you is unecessary. and i do believe non of us is unnesessary. just because i did not, or chose not to follow completely does not make my relationship a relationship that will fail and not recover.

Dear Bottlerocket:

read my thread, swimming...but taking on water. then and only then do you have a right to comment on me. I am not following Plan Betty or Plan Lost.

My WS and I are trying to rebuild our marriage and relationship based alot on this program, MB techniques and philosophys. Have we been 100% successful, no. Have I tired from 9 months from DD, yes. But Plan A has been with rewards, so 9 months of Plan A has been productive and appreciated by my WS. If things had not changed, within the first couple months, Plan B would have been instituted. My WS has also, for several months been Plan A'ing me, in his own style and way.

Don't make a rash judgement on a circumstance that you haven't bothere to investigate.

Blindsidebetty,
I also found MB after the fact and like you I didn't know about exposure. We first did MC and we were fortunate to find a good MC that did make a difference. When we found this site my FWH liked it better because it was a plan that we could follow. We're reovered and I credit the MC and following the Harley concepts (although it wasn't MB 100%).

Gg

Plan A is only supposed to be for 4 weeks.

9 months is unrealistic even for MEN...

You are all over the place emotionally and sounds like H is too. I am sure that WH was at the point of some kind of breakdown for him to hook up with what seems to be a real mess of a "women?". The OW is probably a nut-job of some type. Maybe his self esteem was so low that he just didn't care anymore. get checked for STD's and if you think she could resort to violence, get a restraining order.

He needs you to reassure him that it can get better if you both take your marriage to the light and separate the truth from the dramatic crap that you both have fallen into.

It does not matter what you might have done to hurt him in the past, The guilt you are feeling has a place in therapy to help you stop past behavior isssues you both have. Only after you recieve some help will you get a handle on what can be done to save your marriage or yourselves from more pain.

Tell his Dad, He wants his son to excell in life I am sure. Your husband sounds like he is an overachiever, in the past willing to endure more than what he percieves to be fair to achieve what he sees as a positive result. He needs help and this affair is something he fell into that is hurting him more. He knows it but is too proud to get help. His Dad is probably the first person to talk to in this intervention/exposure. I promise you that a marriage can survive this exposure. Didn't you say he pays for a house for OW?, I.E., A place to see her in BTW. If he is sleeping with her because she fufills some kind of physical reckless abandon issue then you guys will continue to suffer.

Get help now and put the marriage vows in charge. Those promises you both made to each other and swore to are what will help you both out of the fog. You in your mislead idea that you can be the only source of love for him that he should need and... his idea that he can do it alone. If you continue to allow both of your emotions to be the rudder that steers your marriage you will bash into the rocks over and over again till you sink or do unnessesary damage that will hurt you both for the rest of your life.

You can do this, you need to for Gods sake, Stand up and have faith that the truth is nothing to be afraid of. This is an opportunity for you both to experiance a love that is bigger than what you have now.

Do you want the message to your kids to be; "Live in sacrifice towards everyone but in the end you just can't win"? Oh come on now. Stop being the suffering saviour. The best lesson,(gift), you can teach,(show), your children is humility. If your car broke down would you assume you could fix everything on it because you know how to drive it, put in gas and change the oil? Don't assume you can get thru this and have a healthy marriage without some help from the professionals.

Both of you will be blessed if you will allow yourselves to. Time for you both to get healthy if not for yourselves, then for your children. You are worth it, all of you.

You came to the right place. These people know what they are talking about and will help you fight for your marriage and they are for you, not against you. Catperson has a very real and practical handle on this.
Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. You feel so bad because affairs are the most painful experiances anyone can feel. Don't trust your emotions and realize that they are trying to run your rational thoghts. You need to trust this place.
In the end you will want to look back on this and see it as a battle you won. maybe even laugh about. The exposure issue will be the something you both will understand was nessesary. Who wants to hide anyways?

"The door of opportunity swings on the hinges of adversity" --unknown.

Dear LF:

Just wondered how you are doing, and what's going on with you. Hope all is as well as it can be. The holidays can be excruciatingly difficult.

thinking of you

Hey betty. Thanks for the thinking of you. I am still hanging in there.

to all...I understand the MB methods are what you promote here. And, I am sure they work for a great deal of couples. This is a great place for someone to get support. I am usually not like this. If there is a problem I am all for doing something.... I meet it head on..Not just waiting. Which it may seem to all of you I am just sitting and waiting.

Thanks for the advice. I have not given up. I may very well end up losing him. Not what I want at all. But, I did tell him he needed to make up his mind but before he did he should talk to someone that can help him sort through the way he feels. I told him I think he doesnt realize this is something lots of people go through and it doesnt have to end his marriage. He should at least listen to what other people have to say about A and what it costs them.
Ot to some that were able to salvage their marriage and realized what happened and can give him sound advice.

He has gotten in touch with someone but hasnt talked to them yet that I know of. But, he has been a different person since we talked. He seems more at ease and more himself. Its amazing. I dont know what he will do in the end but at least it will be his decision.


I wont be here as much as I was but I will keep reading. thanks for going to the trouble to read my posts.

Love is an action verb based on a decision

Well said sorting it out.


He is talking to someone to help him to understand what he is feeling. I hope and pray it will help. He isnt sure what he wants amymore he told me. He is asking for help. Thats a start.

He is a reckless nut job that needs to be slapped back into sanity. Have you nuclear exposed yet? DUDE

I cant help but love you Dude