Here is a nice , simple plan B letter:

You are cheating, again. This sucks. If you don't stop and get help, I am outta here. You need to fix yourself. We can work on other marital problems after you stop cheating.
Until you stop cheating, leave me the F alone.
Very truly yours, ______.

Good plan, IMO. The OM is not the problem. Your WW is screwed up. She is dishonest and untrustworthy. Not the easiest type of person to be married to.

We have agreed to self file and I mentioned that in the plan B letter. I told her I will work on the papers, not consultant an attorney (yeah right) and give her the self filing papers. We are both accountants and we understand the value of money and she is as cheap as they come so she will not want to spend $20g on attorneys at the expense of our assets. I want to keep the key logger for intel on the likely divorce. I am not letting the key logger go. Showing up at her date would not scare the OM away. If a man wants a peice he is not going to care about three children and a guy showing up at their date who my wife will say oh yeah thats my H but we are divorcing so don't worry. I have the meeting with JH and I will solidify plans based on her input but I truly think telling her that until she stops dating, we can reconcile the marriage, will do nothing. In her mind I will still be standing by. This has to be a GOODBYE plan B.

I like the intel deal on the divorce using the keylogger.
Consult with a good lawyer and see if you can strategize as to how to set things up pre-filing so that you are in the best position.
There are a lot of things you may be able to do between now and filing that may tip certain issues in your favor.
I bet she'll be advised to see a lawyer, as well.

FLpad, is this Plan B or Plan D?

That's the best thing you said, man. Don't be weak. You can't make her love you, all you can do is use your historical knowledge and relationship history to be the most likely person she COULD love. She may choose to throw that away. If she does, you don't want her back (trust me).

Be a good dad. Plan A. But the vets on the board are right. If you fret over this too much, and she walks, you will be kicking yourself later. Take the high road so that you like who you see in the mirror.

alright! You guys, this man is here to get help using MB principles, not on how to be a jerk.

Floridapad, please ask Dr Chalmers to help you fine tune your letter tonight. Let her look at what you have written so she can give you feedback. She is an awesome coach and I think you will really like her.

This is plan B to D. I truly think there is nothing at this point in the letter that I could say regarding "If you do this I will do this". It is still standing by. I am ready for a divorce but should she chose to come back I would be open to it only if she made the changes. Unfortunately telling her this will not give her the sense of lost control. She feels she has the power. In my "path to love" letter I told her I would stop dating (at MB's recommendation) and I hope she would do the same but she is her own person. This letter needs to take the power away from her. She is a fighter and likes to fight for something but if she knows I am just there then it will accomplish nothing to say "if you stop dating I will consider renwing the marriage". Won't work right now. I think it's gone beyond that. I know I don't make sense but I'll let you know what happens.

Really good advice. If you conduct yourself with honor and self respect, you will not regret anything. You cannot control this outcome.

Yes, Chalmers was one of my brightest students.

FP, the plan B letter should give her a path back, for example it should not state anything about "dating." That is absolutely inappropriate because there is no such thing as "dating" with married people. It is properly called ADULTERY. And what the letter should clearly state is that she end her affairs with other men. Not dating, but AFFAIRS.

That is the first condition. The second is to commit to a plan of recovery for your marriage.

And of course, that "won't work" right now. We already know that or you wouldn't need to send the letter in the first place. But you have to tell her your conditions for reconciliation. And if she won't agree to that condition then there is no point in ever discussing reconciliation. You don't leave out the conditions because she might not agree NOW, you already know this.

Also, I would line up an intermediary to pass on PERTINENT information about finances, visitation, etc.

shaddup, Zelmo!

FP, an intermediary should be a neutral party who just passes on PERTINENT messages about housekeeping issues. Here is a thread about it: Intermediary Training School

You haven't aged or changed, have you Mel? :-D

Good to see you can count on some things.

This is good information, too.

If you do not want a D, do not make it easy. Do not 'Agree' with her destroying your family!

Do not cooperate, tell her that you will NOT be self-filing, that you think you need a lawyer. Let her think she's got more to loose than her family. This gets very complicated, she thinks she's going to stroll out into her lovely new life?!

How does 'self-filing' work with three minor children? How will she date with three children? Who decides which OM they get to meet? Does she get to vacation with the children in Italy with OM?

Who's paying child support? How long? College funds?

If you go D, I'd do it right. She wants you to do the work because she thinks she'll benefit. Please be careful!

you betcha!

Spoke to JH last night and went over the outline of the letter. Very good stuff. It seems my wife is wanting to escape from life and it is very difficult for her to see us getting back together as being a whole new life because she still envisions the old one. She worked her tail off for the kids, family her job for the last 15 years and we never did anything together and she never did anything for herself. She is EXHAUSTED with life. ( Yeah I know grow up). JH suggested stressing the importance of creating a whole new lifestyle for the future that shelters each other but also allows us to escape life with each other (e.g trips, dates etc. )so that she can see that things would be different. My W is attributing our future with the past (pretty normal thing) and can't see it changing. She has to want to envision it. I am going to plan B with this letter focusing on creating the new life style and sense of escape from life and shelter each other at home and supporting each other with lifes difficulties.

Sweet! Is Jennifer helping you write it?

Thi is my fiorst pass. JH did not help me write this. She agrred to review it but I would love to know your thoughts. I know it's long but there is alot to say.


I�m not sure where to begin except to just let my mind heart, and soul out one last time.
You have worked so hard in your life for others, including me and our children, that it is time for you to work on yourself and your own happiness. Life can be hard and will be hard for many years to come and I know that you, as everyone else does, needs shelter or an escape from the challenges in life. We have been so consumed with the stresses of life and raising children that I think we forgot to shelter each other in our relationship and failed to create a life style that allowed you, me and us to escape and foster a loving environment for ourselves and our family. I realize now that I have been so busy trying to excel in my career and �trying� to raise a family that I have forgotten about you and life. I apologize that I have not played my part in creating this life style.
I have learned from these recent experiences and truly have a new perspective on things. I see you are hurting deeply, not just from the affair but in your new found search to escape from the chaos and pain that we find ourselves in. I know you may not feel the same, but I want to create a new lifestyle together that includes options for us to enjoy life as individuals and as husband, wife mother, father and lovers. There are so many things we could do to create this lifestyle. Weekend trips to NYC, or Naples. More escape nights to the theatre or movies just to name a few. Spending more time away from the house. I know it may tough for you to envision this because I haven�t fostered this side of our relationship the way you needed in the past. I am determined to not allow this to happen ever again for you and me and our children.
I want no regrets in life and part of that is knowing that we tried everything to be happy together with our children and family. Part of that is knowing that we tried to create a new relationship based on love and doing a complete 180 on the mundane lifestyle we somehow found ourselves in.
There is also so much love that family can bring that perhaps you and I can�t feel right now, but your parents and my parents and brothers and sisters can feel it deeply. This �icing on the cake� of family love can only be created with mother and father together. Part of the shelter I want to create includes making home life easier with the children. I have a few ideas and know that we could create a life that is easier on the home front and shelters us more and still fulfills our personal needs of love and intimacy. As you have said you have worked so hard with our children but get frustrated and are tired. Perhaps working so hard isn�t really working for us. Perhaps we just need to do a 180. There are things that can be done and as I have said I do have a few ideas. I know raising a family can be tough but it is SO important for US to know we did everything for them and us to be a bit more harmonious so that we have no regrets years down the road. This not only CAN be done, it would be done.
I know you have seen the changes I have been making and continue to make. Part of it is through the love I found inside of me at Emmaus, part of it is from the deep love I have inside for you, part of it is wanting to enjoy life and not just be complacent and part of it is through learning about people and relationships. This book I have given you was part of that �light bulb� that truly awakened me towards KNOWING that I can fulfill your needs and that you can fulfill mine and create a truly deep love that only comes from understanding someone at such deep levels from the many years we have been together. This book has changed the life of many couples and created such a sense of deep love even after being in the same situation we are in now.
I know you have said you don�t know that you will be able to love me the way that you need and I respect that. I live with those words and know that you are an individual with your own thoughts, feelings and visions and that only you can determine what is best for you. I respect your feelings.
This is the life I want to make for you and me but it has become too painful knowing that you do not want to share this with me and our family and I can longer be in a this state of being in �between�. I know you love me deep down as you have said, but in order for that love to surface you need to want to and I have accepted that this is something you do not truly want with me. I can no longer endure the pain knowing that I am the only one standing for this new life, marriage and family.
To protect myself and the remaining love and happiness I have inside of me I must shelter myself from the situation as it stands.
It is with a heavy heart that I must do this. I ask that you no longer text me, email me call me or have any contact with me unless it relates to an emergency with the children. Please from here on out I ask the following: Do not text me, e-mail me or call me unless it relates to an emergency regarding the children. Please have the children ready by 6:30 when I arrive and out the door. You can have the children Christmas Eve and morning and I will pick them up at noon to have Christmas lunch/dinner /night with them. I will get Christmas gifts on my own and you can determine whatever you want to give the children. I hope you see this as fair in light of the circumstances.
I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. Trust me, this is not meant as a means to punish you, because I know this will hurt me as well. It is truly the only way I know how to keep the love I have inside of me and shelter myself from the pain.
I do wish you all the happiness you deserve. You are a beautiful person inside. You are unique and special in your own way. I do hope and know that you will find the happiness you are searching for.

Too long. WW don't want to read. Please check out the Notable Posts at the beginning of the forums.

There are a couple of points that I think you should avoid. Your thoughts and/or point of view. Her separation is about her. I'm sure that she can respond to your thanking her for her efforts. This is RECOGNITION.

Emphasize the desire to lead a happy life. Her efforts are an attempt to achieve the same thing. Use empathy. Tell her that you are holding out for her by writing this note. Explain why you have to be absent from her then designate your intermediary.