There's a saying to the effect that a new baby is born at the same time a person dies.

When my father lay dying in the hospital, with his children at his side, my sister noted that "Brahms Lullaby" was softly playing over the hospital's speaker system at the time of his passing.

I just remembered..

My mom died over 11 years ago. She had lung cancer and I was her hospice care giver for close to 5 months. Oh vey, the things that the human body goes through is so hard to watch.

I remember when the twice a week nurse stopped by, my mom hadn't gotten a bed sore and she explained how I had to put my hand in her butt and clean it out with alcohol or something clear. I blocked it out.

OMG - if you could have heard me saying... These JEWISH hands don't go in a bed sore and wipe it clean... OMG... but you know I did it. I took care of my mom and loved on her until the day she died. She finally took her last breathe after she had learned the Redskins won and I laughed with her about it.

4 months after Dday just after WH moved out, I went thru the same thing (not the decision making process) with my dear FIL...I had known him for 17 years and he was like a father to me. MIL and inlaws played the soothing music and we were by his bedside for 2 days waiting for him to pass, it was very sad, but you will be okay. And take comfort in knowing you made the right decision for your mom.

He had a stroke and couldnt talk or open his eyes, but we were talking to him the whole time....and just before he passed he opened his eyes an looked at all of us, so I am sure he could hear us...so just talk to her about good times, it will make you feel better too.

My prayers are with you and your family Chai, hugs too.

Chai, I went through this with my mom a couple of years ago, and I agree that you have done the most loving thing. Death is not the enemy, fear is. Love her, and be grateful for what you have had with her, and love her some more.

Sorry to hear about your mom, CL.


I see your "determination" and "direction" as key stepping stones to crossing hostile waters...and if you lose your balance? ...you might get wet... take more time...

... but you WILL get to the other side!

CL

(((Chai)))

Chai, I'm sorry you're faced with this difficult time on top of everything else. For what it's worth, I think you and your brother are making the right decision. If it were my decision, I'd do the same thing. Yes, it's painful, but all of us have our time.
Sounds like she's had a full life, one to be celebrated even as you mourn.

I want to wish everyone a happy holiday season and thank you all for your support.

Last week I was ready for a funeral. My mom wasn't improving and I was sure that we would be making the transfer to hospice last week on Wednesday. On Thursday, I called the nursing home to see how things were going and they said my mom was in the dining room eating lunch!!! None of us could believe it. It was truly a miracle. A Christmas miracle. I guess she decided that it just wasn't quite time to go yet. I don't know how much longer she will be with us, but for now I am glad that she is.

This week has been a tough week. I had another interview for a job that I really wanted, but it was the most dreadful interview I have ever had. The interview was conducted in a very public place with people all around, and the interviewer was just weird. She glared at me the whole time and didn't say much. Very strange. So that was a bust. Then store sales are bad, bad, bad. My goal is to hang on until I get a job but it is so hard and my motivation isn't there anymore. Then I had to pay my atty $16K out of my 401K. After XWH takes his share I won't have much left. Then to top it off, I overheard DD talking to WH and from the conversation I got the impression that he is going to marry Miss Mullet this week. Not even one month after the D is final. That was the hardest thing to deal with and I am not dealing with it well at all. Any advice is certainly welcome.

The reality of D is really hitting me hard. You'll love this story. I started attending an Alanon meeting as so many people have been advising me to do. My old boss stopped by my store one evening and invited me to dinner. His wife left him 4 years ago for a guy half her age who still lived with his parents (she was 48 and had trouble with drinking). Anyway, my old boss has attended Alanon since then and invited me to go along with him and his new girlfriend.

So I go to the first meeting and I really liked it. After the second meeting last week I get an email from another man at the meeting asking me out. First, the email came through my company website (you know, the "contact us" option). I don't do my website, someone else does so that was a little embarrassing. Second, I was never formally introduced to the guy, or hadn't even spoken with him directly. Thirdly, he is much older than I am. I know guys like younger women, but I would want someone my own age.

So I ask my friend if he gave him my info. He did, but he said he kept trying to tell the guy that I wouldn't go out with him, but this guy insisted on asking me anyway. To me, it just screamed "desperation" in the loudest way. I felt like in his desperation he looked at me and I was female and single. Good enough. Nevermind that he has never spoken to me, doesn't know my full name etc.

Anyway, my friend said he is lonely. OK, many of us are. I told him that he should counsel this guy that approaching a female this way isn't going to get him many points. As it turns out, the guy's wife was an alchoholic and committed suicide 3 months ago. All the other blunders aside, I wouldn't touch that one with a ten foot pole. Then my friend says that the guy is just looking for someone to have dinner with. No thank you. That would be a train wreck.

I have one other date offer now too. My cousin has talked about his friend in the Peace Corps for the last 18 months. He has always maintained that we would like each other. When he first mentioned it way back then, I had no interest as I had every intention of recovering my marriage. That obviously didn't happen. So yesterday the two of them came by my shop and my cousin introduced us. He seems like a very nice gentleman. His PC obligation is over and he is back in the states now. I later got an email (not through my website) asking if I would like to meet for a beverage when he returns from holiday vaca in London. My cousin has always spoken very highly of him and says that he is a wonderful person. He was married as long as I was, however his wife passed from cancer. My cousin said that he was by her side and took care of her until the very end. That certainly says something to me about loyalty, character, and committment.

The bottom line is that I am considering accepting the offer. I always said that I would wait at least a year until after D, but I never expected a D to take almost 3 years. XWH stopped coming home in 2005 when he met Miss Mullet, so I've been pretty much alone for almost 5 years now. Even though it doesn't feel quite right, I am considering it. I still have a few weeks to make up my mind.

You know how it is. Everyone tells you that you need to "move on, don't be bitter." I'm trying, I really am trying.

You're D now, have a few dates with someone you like. Just don't let the recent trauma, you know...make you jump into things.

Dating is not just for romance, after all, it's companionship too.

And don't worry...Miss Mullet will learn, soon enough.

You know what, if I were her, knowing what he's done to you, I'd get him to keep handing over money and then promptly disappear right before the wedding. I'd LOVE to see the look on his face once that happened.

You have to consider the source here. She's a gold digger pure and simple, so she'll get the money. What woman with any self respect waits 5 years for a man who totally lied to her about everything and was leading a secret double life behind his family's back.

And what BS with any self respect would want that man back?

And Karma, you have a point. Dating can be about companionship too.

D@mn. Sheesh!

I say if you are going to be a gold-digger, at least do it right. Don't have a mullet...

I'm saying also, that it would be sweet revenge if she did leave like that, but...it probably won't happen.

You'll get to watch her bleed him dry, and perhaps he'll call and ask you for more money, etc...who knows?

Hi CL,

I agree with Karma....


CL, the man is not asking you to committ 'for life' ....

...if you are at all interested in getting to know him better and his offer interests you in any way, I suggest you approach it as an opportunity to enjoy yourself for that given time (unless you don't think you deserve it? ) with full knowledge that, yes, 'triggers' may/will come up, yes, you are vulnerable, yes, it's scary....you also know and trust yourself that you can/will confront and deal with them as they come up (...because if you can 'survive' the ordeal of post-affair, a D, and all the rest, as you are doing , you can overcome 'just about' anything, don't you think?

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, CL, welcome to a NEW beginning....

Luna said it perfectly.

Me not so.

Go on the D@MN date and just have FUN.

Enjoy someone wanting to talk to YOU, about YOU.

Enjoy learning about someone ELSES life and the experiences they have had.

Rule number one... GET OUT OF SELF...

GO HAVE FUN.

Oh, I LOVE YOU..

Merry Christmas....

You have a voice mail. H is off to work for the day, so call me if you can.

Merry Christmas, CL and go on the date!

Happy Holidays!
You deserve some fun.

Your scenario was SO DRUG OUT- I don't think the "one year" time line applies anymore.

Enjoy your holiday, feel proud of your efforts

Luna, you always have such a way with words. And Queenie, you crack me up sometimes.

And thanks to Barbie, FF and Karma too. I think you have all convinced me to go, even though it doesn't feel right. I guess if I don't ever stick my toe in the water, I'll never know if it's too cold or not.

XWH is coming to visit DD with Miss Mullet this weekend, and as I said I think they will be M. XWH wants to see chaibaby, and I have him this weekend. DD wants me to let her take chaibaby to see them, however I am not allowed to leave chaibaby alone with DD, and CPS said that XWH has to have a background check and fingerprints before he is allowed to take chaibaby.

DD is upset because I won't bend the rules and drop them off at a restaurant or some other meeting place so that XWH and his mullet head ho can pick them up. Of course XWH will say that I am a b!tch, blah blah blah, but after what he has put me through I really don't care if he sees chaibaby or not.

And I'm certainly not willing to jeopardize having CPS take my visitation away for disregarding the rules.

So am I being uncooperative and a b!tch? I'm going to get blamed for it anyway, so I might as well play the part.

(((((CHAI))))

Life hasn't dealt you an easy hand, and you are one of the most amazingly strong women I know - I know sometimes you don't feel it. But keep praying and keep doing the right thing.

Who cares what they think anyway?

You always have, and I have no doubt that you will continue to put others first. The least of which is chaibaby.

I absolutely support your decision about oh well, so sad.... Maybe if he had been involved in chaibaby's life BEFORE this then he would have already had the background check and able to see the baby himself.

Just one more truth that will be revealed to him in G-ds time.

I'm glad you're not going to bend the rules. SOMEBODY in that group has to be sensible, and it obviously ain't gonna be either of them! You are very wise to stay within your proscribed boundaries, and to protect your access to ChaiBaby. You are 100%, perfectly, totally right in what you've decided. The fact that it will annoy your WXH and Miss Mullet is just gravy! :MerryChristmas:

tl