Im tired and all this sux. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up for a very long time! Just cant do it right now!

Are you taking anti-depressants?

I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas.

Are you taking anti-depressants?

Didnt mean to avoid the question. No. I am not taking anti-depressants. I have thought about getting them but it will have to be after Christmas. We are doing fine right now. Christmas in a couple days and kids will go back to school. Things will get back to normal and we will see how it goes.

We have plans to take a trip in January. Quiet place we can spend time together. I am looking forward to it.

Great Christmas! Dont know yet what will be next. I am doing much better myself. Still want my marriage and my family as much as ever I just feel like I can deal with whatever happens now. I hope so!

I may not have a job anymore if I go on the trip in January, I go back and forth on that. Which is more important. I think I can find another job!!! I just dont know how important it is to him though,

The question, dear lost and found, how important is it to you? I often find in my situation, that if i wait, or would have waited for it to be important to him, i would have lost an opportunity to be with him, or meet his needs or love him. Sometimes, you have to think about you and your needs and meet them as if he were meeting them. Do you want to go, do you want time alone with him, will this make you happy?

More than anything I want to spend time with him>

then by all means, go and spend time with him. i do not say this lightly, we live pay check to pay check. i know what losing my job would do to us;however, i also know what losing him would do to me... Get another job if you have to - keep your husband, make him feel irreplaceable because as far as you are concerned...he is.

Still hanging in there. I wish I could say all is well but I cant go a day without seeing her face in my head. As a matter of fact that is all I see unless I make a conscious effort to get it out of my head.

I asked him to leave. He said he wants to stay with me. No contact with "her". This is our last chance. I feel like I have no more in me. I need something for myself. Just the smallest gesture from him means everything.

Its easy to say you would do anything. I would like to be that strong, I need something from him. I see the effort but I want more, Just little things. I dont ask for much.

I am going to continue to be who he needs but it is hard to trust him although I am really trying. I dont want to give up. As long as he hasnt given up I dont believe I should. There is something I must be able to do that I havent found yet. Something he is looking for that I just cant put my finger on.

Dear Lost:

i am going through the same thing. i finally presented my WH with a list of conditions to stay in this marriage. OW now lives in a different state, however; was having very hard time believing him to have NC. he swears he has, but i finally sat down and tried to understand what i need from him and this relationship.

he told me he picked me, he loves me, he wants our family, our marriage....well then he needs to provide for me and my EN just like i have been for him. no more plan A, plan B...not a dark plan B, he didn't leave but i did present him with this letter.

in my letter it states clearly that if any of the EP that we have put into place are broken, if there is any contact whatever, then he will be asked to leave. i can't take anymore really. i love him, i want our marriage but it is time after 9 long months that he step up and start participating in this relationship. i need him to.

you will see on my thread we went away for the weekend, and it went ok, got home and all hell broke loose, finally 3 days later, i told him what i needed, expected and would have to have to get over this "issue".

the truth is i expected nothing from him during plan a, and i plan a'd for a very long time. now, i expect something from him, and i told him this. non-negotional, he needs to know that expectations are normal in a working relationship and for ours to work he has to step it up.

i needed this for me. you deserve this too. he needs to let you know how he wants to be with you. real recovery comes with a plan, take a look at some of these articles and decide what plan works best for you and your husband.

i too see "her" face everywhere. my husband shouted at me not to long ago that he doesn't even think of her until i bring her up, and i heard what he said and took it in and made a mental note not to bring her up to often, but i did tell him this:" You brought her into this marriage, not me. i worked hard to get her out of your head and heart and now you are going to have to work just as hard to get her out of mine!" this was the truth for me, maybe not everyone. he wasn't to happy to hear it, but he took it in.

We are a work in prgress, i still have many questions and my love in unconditional but not my trust. it never will be again, and it really shouldn't be for either of us.

take heart, have faith, but read up on plan b, put a plan together, you really need to expect things from him, he needs to contribute to the recovery of your marriage.

thinking of you

Iy has been a while since I logged in here. My h moved out in February. He is now asking for a divorce. I dont want a divorce. Is there any hope or is it all over?

His family and friends are all telling him he is making the biggest mistake of his life.

He is financially unable to handle what it will take to keep our kids in college and a roof over both our heads if we live separately. He is staying with a friend right now.

I have asked everyone I know to try and talk to him but he is stubborn. He wont listen to anyone. The woman has been seeing another man and has told my H she is not leaving her new boyfriend and that she loves her new boyfriend. Still, he thinks he will get her back.

I spent the first few weeks talking to him and he called and came to see us when he wanted to. After a few weeks the kids decided they did not want him to come to a family activity. A few days after that happened he filed for divorce. He came into my house while I was out and left papers on the dresser in my room.

My family, his family and my friends all tell me why would i want him back? Because he is my H and I have spent the last 23 years "knowing" I had him to count on and I would alawys be there for him to count on. If he needed me I was there. He has always been there for me. Until now! There is something wrong with him. It is not my H that is doing this. He himself said that he is not the same man.

Lost- Did you ever fully expose?

Yes. Everyone knows. His family and mine. Thats when he filed for divorce. Before that he was calling and coming to see us at least every other day. I felt like he was coming home to get his fix on our "family" and then back to wherever he was staying. He wont tell us where he is staying.

I havent signed anything yet but soon I will probably be forced to at least sign I was served. Even though I haven been legally served if I dont sign the Acknowledgement he will probably send a Sheriff's Deputy to serve me.

I can either come to an agreement on the divorce and move on or file that I disagree that the marriage is over and ask the court not to grant him the divorce. That we can reconcile,

I have thought about calling some of his and my old friends and asking them to talk to him. There are a few old friends that we dont see often but mean a lot to both of us. They know us well and wondered if that would help. Couldnt hurt I suppose.

I just want my husband back. He is not this person doing all this. I dont even recognize my H the way in the things he has been doing. Will he ever realize how much his family loves him, how much I love him, and how much he is giving up? How can I make him realize? Everything is falling apart around me and I am helpless to stop it!

Lost- Every knows, but did YOU tell them? Just curious from reading your thread. I share your frustration as I am in a similar situation with my WW. It is so frustrating that even after exposure, she continues to head down this path. She has also filed.

I think you have to realize that he is not the same person you once knew. Yes, he may be in there somewhere, but right now he isn't your husband.

I can't offer much advice on how to proceed, other than to say to focus on yourself at this point. If you can no longer work the Plan A methods, then it's probably time for a Plan B. I would call those old friends. You never know what might get through to him.

Lost,

I am in the same boat as you. My wife, as I knew her is gone. I don't think the woman I married is coming back.

It is kind of like watching that movie "Pet Cemetary" when the little boy comes back to life, but he was evil.

I want more than anything to have my wife, and family, back. But, just because she looks the same doesn't mean she is the same. Once I realized that, and enough time has passed to understand that she probably will never come back, it has made it A LITTLE easier to let go.

I did actually tell his family. They knew somethng was not right even though we live miles apart and they called me and asked. Then they called him and asked what he was thinking. Emails and calls are all that has gotten to him though. He wont answer calls anymore from what they have told me. His mother wants all the family to get together and have an intervention.

I think that is a good idea. At least he will know where everyone stands and that everyone cares about him. His mom thinks she has lost him and says she just hopes she hasnt lost me and the kids too. Of course she hasnt lost us. Or him, but for now he isnt thinking about anyone but himself.

What about the divorce action. Does anyone have an idea as to how I should handle it. His parents tell me to use everything I have to get all I can and let him have the divorce. If we can reconcile we can remarry.

You say your spouse has filed. Are you going to give in and let your spouse have the divorce?

It is not easy to let go because if you are truly committed to your marriage you and she are one. Its like cutting out an organ that you cant live without.

Of course, it will heal. It will just take time and a lot of effort. I believe when this happens it can be mended. A relationship that was once strong can weather anything. I believe that people go through changes but really are the same basic person. It is just a matter of how long you are willing to wait for your spouse to heal. Sometimes it is too painful and you have to let go.

I have been told he is killing me. My friends and family have been encourageing me to put my energy into myself so that what he does doesnt hurt me all the time. I have gotten better but it is difficult. I am afraid to let go because I am not willing to give up on and accept the idea it is over!

I dont believe there is only one partner for every person and if we miss the boat we are lost. It is just that when you spend your whole life building something to have someone come along and take it away you want to fight for it!!!I think it is natural to feel that way. And I still have some fight in me!

Unfortunately, it takes TWO to make a marriage work, but only ONE to dismantle it. I can drag my feet or try to stall the process, but ultimately, if we continue, we will be divorced. I signed the 'answer' to her petition to divorce before I came to my training here, however I instructed my attorney not to file it until the last possible moment. I had 30 days to respond so on day 30, she will get her response.

I realize that I can't really stop it, but I don't have to help it along either. I will wait till the last minute for any of my requirements and try to make her do all the 'heavy lifting' to make it happen. I am still in Plan A by the way and I deflect any divorce talk if I can. When we were talking of D, I tried to suggest an 'options' talk with my WW.

I explained that we had basically 4 options at this point in our relationship.

1. Divorce- Default in any marriage. WW wants.
2. Status Quo- Living as we currently are. Neither of us want.
3. Indeffinate Separation- Again, neither of us wants.
4. Have a great Marriage- I want, WW does not.

I try to pursuade my WW that having a great marriage IS possible and worth investigating what it would take to get there. It should at least get as much attention as the divorce option. I wasn't asking for a committment from her, just her to be willing to research what it would take.

I think the intervention idea would be great. I'm no expert, but I think it may be best if they did the intervention without you there. Let his family express their feelings towards him and he will reap the consequences of his actions with them. This allows you to sort of be the 'good guy' and not involved. Just my opinion on that.

I don't think this is bad advice at all. You should start focusing on yourself and work towards self-improvement. That doesn't mean that you are giving up. You can do both simultaneously.

Work towards your own independance. Fix the issues that you may have had pre-A and become a better, confident person. Do this FOR YOURSELF. At the same time, go ahead and fight for your marriage. Somebody has got to and it isn't him currently. You are not alone. Stay strong.