rc,

this response is for you and the Mrs. She said

Mrs. RC, you don't get it. If it was just about the sex, he could go on any porn site and get a lot of information about sex. If the sex was a mindless ONS, then I doubt he would be focusing on it. What is bothering him is that you won't tell him the details, which means you are withholding information from him, which is still LYING. You are lying by omission now and that is what is bothering him. He is trying to figure out if you CAN ever be honest and open with him. The subject of sex, is just the method by which you physically betrayed your vows, your morality, your oaths, and his trust.

What he is getting at is really the mental part of this. The lying, the loving, the feelings, and the fact that in his MIND, not his groin, he feels you will continue to lie to him about anything and everything. He knows you had sex with the OM. He knows when it was. He also knows you lied for years and what he is trying to find out is if you are going to continue to lie, because if you are, then this marriage is dead as a doornail, not because of the sex or the details, but the dishonesty and the lack of respect.

Those are my thoughts about your comment. It was/is not about the sex, it is about your mind, your morality, and whether he can trust when you say "I love you."

Mrs RC, us guys focus on the physical things, because it allows us to test far more subtle things such as feelings and integrity with some certainty. He knows that no matter what he "feels" he needs to address "facts" and the only way to address your lies and deceit are via "facts". He needs them, but more he needs your honesty and respect. You don't seem to want to offer him much of either.

Finally, his questions are not an attack on you. He is attacking his own feelings of inadequacy as an H. He is acting his fears. He is attacking the anxiety that he might be a fool for trusting you again. He is attacking, the pain he feels. These questions are about him and what is going inside of him.

RC and Mrs RC I hope this helps some.

God Bless,

JL

Last night FWW was not feeling well and went to bed early. It gave me time to reflect. It is almost as if, based on the past, the open and honesty has become a requirement to move forward.

A few weeks ago I mentioned to FWW that I had thought of taking a week or two sabatical to sift through my thoughts. That is where I am at. Tell her my intentions of leaving and give her notes of my thoughts about where I think we need to go from here.

I am also thinking of tellin DD's 35 and 32 that I have left to decide about M with their mother. I will not tell them any more than that. I am confident that FWW will be emotional enough that DD's will get the past from her.

This all comes at a very difficult time, as I am about to be hired to minister to the working poor and homeless of our inner city.

Is this too drastic? Any thoughts?

Yeah. My thought is "take that sabbatical WITH your wife". Go somewhere pleasant. Make love in unusual places. Do fun things together. Go have deep conversations by the light of a Tiki Torch and snuggle for hours in the moonlight.

Don't go take it by yourself.

"I am also thinking of tellin DD's 35 and 32 that I have left to decide about M with their mother. I will not tell them any more than that. I am confident that FWW will be emotional enough that DD's will get the past from"

Lying by omission is dishonest. It is still lying.

Hoping WW will do your dirty work is not maning up. You need to tell your DD's. Then you will know the job was done, done right, the DD's will have the truth.

Wow.

Have you learned NOTHING by being here?

What is it?

Are you just afraid to anger her? You're willing to lose everything you worked for, just to keep her from being upset with you? And you wonder why she's not jumping over couches to get to you. *shakes head*

I am not sure what you think you read.

I want some time for myself. I want to decide where I go from here. I want FWW to know there continues to be consequences to what she does and says(or doesn't say). That is why I will state my objective to her before I go for my quiet time. To decide if having a M with a dishonest person is part of my life.

Telling the DD's has never been part of my plan. I get some satisfaction knowing that FWW will have to come from behind her facade.

I just don't read where I was afraid to upset her.

Uh...exactly what consequences are you talking about? You leaving her alone so she can look for another OM?

What on earth makes you think anything that is happening will cause her to show her cards?

Why should she?

She has NO consequences. Except maybe your sadness. Oh my.