Ok, I spoke to him on the phone and we had it out and cleared the air. He wanted to make me believe that he actually didn't read what he signed (he changed the story later in the conversation go figure - I know he would never sign without reading it - he is not that stupid). He was expecting a text messsage from me before taking the money - turns out he would have asked me to wait for another week with the payment until he gets paid one more time so he could come home - anyway I asked him how it can be that he calls me every week and we chat about god and the world and then something important like this comes up and he has to send nasty messages.He didn't answer that.
I am not a pushover when I am talking to him on the phone or face to face - I just have a problem with text or IM - he is very good at the game I have to say.

Back to the question if I am working or not - this question comes up over and over again -I don't know why it is important as I am not less worth because I am not working right now - I am there for my kids right now and that's a good thing and I don't think that he doesn't respect me because of it - my marriage fell apart when I was working and I was too busy to notice. And to be completely honest I am actually enjoying time at home right now.


And yes I love this man with all my heart - I married him for a reason - not my fault that he seems to have lost the plot completely - I have changed for the better in the last few months and I am very proud of that - and yes it's true that I changed most of it for him, having said that I am quiet enjoying some of the benefits now too.

What are you trained in?

bs4y, I ask about the working because you have mentioned many many times how he holds money over your head. If you were working - even only 10 hours a week - you could be putting that money into a savings account. Having even that little bit of money could make you feel stronger, more empowered, so that when he treats you like dirt, you don't have to accept it quite so much - you are not quite so dependent on his giving you money to feed your kids, or pay the light bill. If you had a little money stashed away, you could afford to stay at a motel for a night if things get ugly; without it, you have no protection and have to do what he says. If you had a little money, you would have been able to pay for getting the rest of the proof you are so desperate for. If you had some money saved up, your first instinct wouldn't be to appease him so that you don't end up having to fight him in court to make him keep paying for his kids; he can't hold that over your head. If you had a job, even a little part time one, if you had to find work, you'd at least have your foot in the door somewhere and have a better chance at either getting more hours or at least getting a recommendation for a better one.

If you had a dream marriage, I'd say more power to you for having this time with your kids. But you are at war. I wish that you could think more strategically about this, rather than from your heart. I just want to make sure YOU are being taken care of, and right now, you aren't.

sorry, don't want to say

I know what you are saying is correct - money would help - like I said this morning I am getting a bigger payout beginning of January - this will be a big help - it won't help with the proof though as the things I want to know lay in the past and no PI can help out there. The keylogger just has to do. It worked well the first time.
And I know him - if there are emails between him and other women he has them saved.
He feels so safe.

The thing he is holding over my head is my spending in the past - and why wouldn't he - it's his only justification for ending our marriage. I told him today that our first loan ended yesterday and I am sure he had no clue.

Ok...well the reason I asked is that many jobs can now be done on a contract basis from your home, via the internet. For instance, I'm a writer, and I go to guru.com and bid on projects there. I've earned thousands of extra dollars there editing and writing for people. guru also has areas for artists, computer professionals, marketing people, fashion designers...lots of things where people bid on the projects from all over the world.

You could search for little side jobs you can do from home for a little extra money.

Congratulations on paying off that loan! I wish I was that far ahead!

(speaking of which, I need to go do some work on my side projects, earn some money)

catperson, I will have a look at the website this evening, thanks

thanks - 1ne down, 2 more to go we will get there and if we do what he is going to complain about then? That we have no savings? I give up...

ok,I need some advice - I texted WH today to see how we will handle X-Mas because of the kids - here is his answer:

"I don't know but will only be home from 23 late until 27 afternoon. As for X-Mas Day I will stay with my parents and come by in the afternoon."

I have absolutely no idea how to tell my youngest that his dad won't be here X-Mas morning and that he will only stay 3 days - he wanted to spend time with them, going to the cinema i.e. I guess that's out of the window too.

I just spent half an hour bawling to my friend over the phone - I feel so helpless.


The other thing - because he won't be really home the keylogger thing won't work either. I was on FB the last few days and the security settings had been changed for a few days - anyway I noticed that WH and his co-worker are not friends anymore on FB.
I am seriously thinking about contacting her once i get my payment in January to see if I get some information out of her.

I need to move on as I can't live like this any longer - I am starting an evening course in our community college in February and have made another few plans for 2010 - having said that not knowing the full story is is stopping me from recovering.

I know now that my marriage is over for good!!!!!!
I think I am in love with an illusion!!!!!!!

bestrong, I really think this is the key to your story. You want something you CANNOT have.

Life isn't fair. We rarely get everything we want. And when that happens, we steel ourselves. We accept what we DO get. We chalk it up to one of the disappointments in our lives, and look forward, not behind.

So...that was a part of your life that didn't turn out. It happens to all of us. I have a lot of regrets. But I do no one any good if that is all I focus on. I have another 30-40 years of my life; I intend to live it to the fullest with whatever I CAN have in it.

It sounds like it's time for you to just sit down with yourself and accept it.

And, not to sound rude, but half of the kids in America don't have their parents together on Christmas. And they adapt. They will be fine - if YOU are. If YOU move forward with joy and acceptance and excitement for what Christmas can bring. Maybe you and the kids can go volunteer at your local soup kitchen to help people who are really in bad shape, can't even afford a Christmas dinner. Plus, it's a great life lesson for them, to help others.

{{bestrong}}

catperson, I wouldn't wish my situation to my worst enemy. I can't remember the last time I thought about WH cheating on me with "Miss Rebound" or "Miss Phonesex"- it's not important in comparison to everything else which is so much worse.
I know you mean well - I just want to see my kids happy and I can't remember the last time I did. 4 years of the nigtmare of him working abroad and now they are losing their dad completely.
My friend warned me months ago that it would happen and I didn't believe it - he hasn't only closed the chapter on me, he has it closed on his kids too and it's not depending on another woman, it's just dending on himself which is worse.

As for just accepting it - we are talking about 15 years by the time we get divorced - 15 years of lies and unknown - I don't how anyone can just accept that - I am definitely not one of them.

So what is your alternative? Wake up miserable and mad and sad every day for the rest of your life?

Look, I know you're hurting. I'm not trying to minimize your situation. I'm trying to tell you that it is out of your hands. Yes, your kids will grieve. But they will survive. And the way they survive is going to be based on how you survive. They will take their cues from you. Right now, they need you to be positive about what's happening. Find some way to move forward.

My mom fell apart after my dad left her for a bunch of women. It was worse for the kids, because we needed her to help us see we would survive. She didn't. The three of us all went our separate ways, grieving, in our own house, separate yet together. For years. It had a really bad effect on my life, much worse than my dad just leaving would have, if mom could have held herself together and given me hope.

That is key for them. besides you sound like an awesome girl. Be positive and hopeful for yourself. You will stay here no matter what and learn about what it takes to have a great relationship and find a real man. (oops) Cmon Bs4u You can do it. Let your children see you do it.

I don't know - I have tried to be positive for 8 months and I think I am doing an ok job in front of the kids - having said that I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

WH sent me another text today about the finances - to be careful of my spending as he has to book flights home and that he still has to pay a 2 months phone bill for over $ 700 and he is blaming me for not being able to come home last week???
We are talking about $2550 since October - that's absolutely crazy money and for what - phone sex...

So when are you going to stop listening to him when he blames HIS sh*tty actions on YOU?

When are you going to get mad at him for treating you like dirt?

Tell him to use SKYPE instead of the phone. Google it. It is pretty much free to every country. Just like a phone but no bill. You use the computer to talk.

Wow he is not too smart, is he.

Now that's practical advice for a change I have no idea - we have skype and he is well familiar with it - who knows.

catperson, I have my own account sorted out and will separate the finances as soon as I get my payment which is on the 5th of January. I am angry enough.

I use SKYPE all the time especially for calls outside my own country. That $700 phone bill would have been $1.50!!!!!Or free if both people were on SKYPE. He could afford to buy a tiny laptop. Of course that might encourage more affairs but hey...it is cheaper than a 700 phone bill!!!

oh he has a laptop alright