Nope. She called you three times to make sure you weren't going to the party.

Very glad to read that you are.

Don't forget to talk to the boss at the party that likes you. I think that it would be an awesome tool for you. Spend time with her,(the boss is a she right?),or him and make sure that you have a good time telling them about your concern with whats happening to you wife in this affair.

Something like this might be helpful..

"Hello Ms. (bosslady), yadeyadeyada ...laugh ..chuckle..(make sure your wife and OM see you laughing then.. "I need to speak to you about something I am sure you will be concerned about, can we speak in private for a minuite?". Then take the boss aside and let her/him know how the affair is affecting the integrity and safety of your family. Use the word integrity, responsible employers understand how important it is.
Most employers know that if people will lie, they will steal. If the boss wants to foster a atmosphere of productivity and honesty that focuses on the job they will not only become very upset about the affair, they will think of you as a responsible man and respect you, also they will be grateful.
If you wife leaves or doesn't show up so what? Do the same thing. Its only the truth and the truth will set you freee Bro.

After you talk to the boss stay close to your wife but stay cool, happy, and think of the cheaters as children caught stealing, or lieing, because they are both. Relax my friend because you will be in the drivers seat there.

Again if your wife doesn't show, stay there and have a good time. Do not break down to the boss and seem like you are falling apart. I am sure the tear that will come to your eyes and the look on your face will let the boss know how hurt you are.

Remember, Bond... James Bond... (love that referance lol ) Stay stone cold cool and collective, Emotions will cloud your judgement and this is not the time to feel, it is the time to act. remember we are behind you.

This party is the perfect place for you to expose and it will burst the selfish bubble the cheaters are living in. I pray that you have exposed to everyone else also soon or right after.
Yeah she will be angry, so what? From what I am reading she might not come back. You are doing what you need to do and its the right thing. If she loses her job it will be her fault, not yours. Don't take the blame.
Besides that the money we make in life is supposed to be for LIFE!, not this slimy bullcrap. You will spend way more later on if you don't fight back now.

Have you ever seen someone get addicted to crack? They go from a decent person,(not smart,but decent enough), to someone who would sell your children and justify it if they could to get a 30 minute "feel good" high. They get so selfish and blame the addictions on circumstances and others. Once the drug has a hold on them they will do anything to escape the reality that responsible self-respecting people have to deal with. The chemisrty of thier brain is altered and as long as they can get the drug and do it with no consequences, they will.
This affair is like that to your wife. She gets all the chemical dopamine rushs of the PA with her boyfreind along with a slave boy, (you), to take care of your child while she has a career/job. If she continues to live like that with you out of the picture thats her problem but you are giving her the drug if you don't step up for her.
Your child will not respect you for not fighting for its mom, even if you lose your marriage.

Knock 'em dead at the party Bro

Whoo-hoo !!

Don't drink any alcohol at all while at the party.
Just a precaution, in case there is any incident, you'll be zero on any test.

You are being naive. Your story (that I shortened above) was very much like mine. My xWW (notice the x) was ALSO my first love. Virgin when I met her, etc, etc, etc. And by NATURE I am very loyal. I was ultra careful during the marriage and followed MANY of these MB principles. At the time I did not know what they were, having learned of this place ONLY after her A started.

And like you, I couldn't IMAGINE being with another woman. I couldn't IMAGINE loving someone as much. I thought we were great for each other, soulmates, etc, etc, etc.

Unfortunately, try as I might, I could not stop her behavior. She went and had a kid with OM#2 and our marriage ended.

What's the point?

That was 5 years ago. I have dated 3 girls seriously since, and EVERY ONE OF THEM treated me BETTER than my xWW EVER did, even when we were dating and "in love". I didn't know any better, because like you, I really had NOTHING to compare it to.

My depression now? Not from losing my wife, but from wasting so much time on her.

I am NOT saying you quit now, the fact of the matter is, a lot of the couples here will say their marriage is better NOW because surviving something traumatic like an affair the RIGHT way can bring you closer. (Also not suggesting it is marital therapy, wouldn't wish it on my enemies).

I am saying do not be fear driven that there is "no one else out there for you". You are too young and inexperienced to make that claim.

Follow the steps, try and save your marriage, that is by far the more noble and better path. But don't let fear of losing her drive you to compromise your principles. The one thing YOU will learn through this is that the ONLY thing that cannot be taken from you, is your personal integrity and self-image. That is WHO YOU ARE. Do not compromise or sacrifice THAT in this process. It is the one true point-of-no-return in life.

NCW

Your thoughts are normal for newly-betrayed spouses, UC. But they are not going to serve you. Read the articles on this site and be prepared to change your mindset if you want to save your M.
1. The affair is active. Accept that now.
2. The A will remain active unless your WW and the OM are PERMANENTLY separated. Someone's going to have to leave their job. Be ready for it to be your WW.
3. Which do you need more - your M or the money your WW brings in? Because if you let your M go the money will going to go, too. You won't be able to keep either.
4. Exposure is a must. The A will not be able to withstand it - exposure is needed to kill the A.
5. Exposure is not meant to embarrass the WS, but is a natural consequence. Your WW will have to suck it up and accept the consequences of her actions.
6. Exposure is intended to bring the WS into a place of scrutiny. Knowing that others now scrutinize her actions will help prevent other As.

HEED this WARNING!!!!!

NO ALCOHOL........... NO ALCOHOL.....NO ALCOHOL

'NCW'....your post rang true for me, it really hit home man...! I felt so like that. When we met my wife had turned 17 two weeks prior, and I was still 19. She a virgin, and I had 'done it', one time in high school.

To this day I am not comfortable enough to be on my own, I am still co-dependent on my wife.

When my FWW was on vacation just after Dday, and through IC work, I was a different person, confident, sure, happy. She came back and, well its not the same as when she was gone on vacation.

Not trying to hijack, 'UC'.

Don't know if it is a t/j. UC needs to hear it. Again, not from the sense that he should quit, but from the sense that he needs to know it is NOT the end of the world. DEFINITELY feels like it when you are going through it.

I posted on another thread how we NEVER get any information when we are coming up about how to pick the right partner. All this consternation about sex ed, and using condoms in school, etc. If you haven't had "the talk" with your kids by the time they are 12 or 13, you don't need to. "The talk" you should REALLY have is the concepts in "The One", "His Needs/Her Needs", "The Five Love Languages".

We all understand to equip them to make the RIGHT choices: go to school, manage your money, drive responsibly. We cover ALL the areas EXCEPT how to pick a compatible partner. They we send them out the door to college or whatever when they are 18 and have 5 lbs of hormones in a 1 lb bag and WONDER why the divorce rate is so high. (Not that our society spiraling down the path of immediate gratification is any help...)

In any case, specifically to UnderConstruction, you see the underlying theme here? The path to success is good choices, not good feelings.

The other one (and I paraphrase from Will Rogers) goes something like: "Some learn by watching, few learn by reading, and the rest of them have to piss on the electric fence to find out...."

Good advice from NC. I think , at some point, you need to really get clear on whether the woman you married is someone that has the potential for being a good partner.
It's fine to break up the affair, especially since you do not want your child exposed to the type of man who has no compunction about having sex with married women.
But, the real issue is whether your wife is or can be a decent person down the road.
Breaking up the affair is the first step in finding this out. But, then, really take a look at whether she has true remorse and is willing to do the hard work needed to repair this. Many WSs seem to expect you to just get over it and to sweep it under the rug.
Some of these WSs are badly broken in may areas other than just promiscuity.

*waves hand* Ooh! Ooh! I did! I taught my D19 not to look for guys based on their looks. I told her that chances are, they've had everything handed to them because of their looks and, hence, simply can't be as compassionate of another person. I also told her that, down the line, when their looks aren't getting them everything any more, they are going to have a hard time dealing with it, and guess who'll get the brunt of their frustration?

I told her that those people who have had hardships in their lives (not dysfunction, but things like tragedies or illness) will most likely be more thoughtful and less selfish. I have found this to be true, at least. (of course, they could turn out bitter, but you kwim)

I told her those with several siblings could be more empathetic and understanding and forgiving - unless the parents didn't handle their dynamics correctly (i.e., making the oldest the surrogate parent, etc.).

I told her richer kids would have a higher chance of being spoiled and expecting to remain spoiled, leaving little room or thought for you.

Little things like that. Psychology stuff. So far, in her young life, it's held pretty true as far as guys goes.

UC i know i have posted to you but i want to share something with you.

I may be a marriagebuilder failure as far as my marriage is concerned because i did what you started out doing.... NOTHING. I was doing what they call Plan C as in chaos. I didn't want to anger and upset my xH. I was 27 and had just had a baby. my husband at the time was my first love and the only person i had been with so i do know what that feels like. But trust everyone here who is giving you advise.

In my case there are some other reasons that my divorce was for the best but i still wish (at times) that i could have stayed married. It's been two years now. I don't want to see you stand by and not do what these fine people tell you because of fear. I did that and it got me no where. You will have a better chance for you and your son in the long run.

amen to that.... my mom taught me that and i half listened.... my xH fits the well off and beings spoiled part.

I disagree that good looking people are more likely to be less compassionate etc. I have found many that are, especially those who were "late bloomers", the ones that know what it is like to have been fat or pimply or whatever, prior to emerging.

Zelmo, leave it to you to focus on inconsistencies, lol.

It would be great if there were some hard and fast rule. People are the sum of their experiences.

I have been around the world with job and also military and seen people in TREMENDOUS hardship situations, yet they still found a way to be happy. Makes dating US girls difficult, who ruin their day when they break a nail...

So for my part, if I am dating a woman who has NOT faced something traumatic, it doesn't work. Our scales of what's good and what's bad are just not calibrated.

So you cannot look at ONE thing. Take me for example. I'm so handsome it would hurt your eyes. (Or at least I thinks so...)

Cat, I feel we make a mistake when we generalize. Being incredibely good looking , myself , I know that one can be a decent person while shouldering this burden.
There is some merit to what you say re the silver spoon deal, but I think a kid is better served by looking at other things to make this determination. Myself, as stupid as it may seem, I look at how folks feel about animals.
There are other signs, such as kindness toward the less fortunate, bigotry , materialism etc. But, these are more easily masked during courtship.
For some reason(allergies or fears excepted) I rely on the way a person reacts to things like a friendly dog approaching him or her. I think a person's true self comes out in that situation.

Zelmo,

We HAVE to double date.

UC, are you out there? What happened at the party last night??

Well, we were talking about what to look for in partners, zelmo. Of course we could look for all the other less visible signs - but by the time you can see them, you're already dating!

I so get the dog thing. I think the single most important thing I taught D19 was to watch how people treat those in a service capacity.

Or, they could do what I do, avoid men entirely...

I look at all that happens here and have decided the potential for heartbreak is NOT worth the potential for love.