UC, you need to stop the pity party right now. None of us will join you. It is not selfish to try and save your marriage by any means necessary. You cannot force her to stay with you so how is exposing and fighting for your marriage a selfish act? Does it turn her into a slave, unable to leave, forever branded with a scarlet A? There are basically three options for you here:

1) Do nothing and lose your wife (if she ever decides to end her affair, she will have no respect for you and will simply go to another man rather than back to you)

2) Fight for your marriage with everything you've got, but lose her anyways because some people just don't want to change.

3) Fight for your marriage with everything you've got, through the phase where she is really angry at you, to where she respects you and admires the strength you've shown.

What you seem to be failing to understand is that if you continue as you are, SHE IS ALREADY GONE! You do not LOSE anything by standing up for yourself and making the affair as difficult as possible. You GAIN a chance (just a chance) to save your marriage and get your wife back. You are not acting like a man now. You are acting like a scared little boy. As an aside, another thing you will gain is the ability to look back on this time, regardless of the outcome, with the satisfaction that you fought for your marriage, rather than let it die a slow, silent death.

It is absolutely, horrendously, intolerably, painstakingly obvious that your wife does not want you to go to the holiday party because she wants to be able to spend the evening with OM. Another poster was probably right that she told him you are separated or in the process of divorcing. Your presence there will make that statement a lie, and inject stress/fighting into that relationship. I didn't do everything right and didn't take all the advice given to me here, and even though I am glad to be rid of that woman, I do have regrets about the actions I didn't take. While I definitely stood up for myself in ending the affair, I was a pushover in a few other ways that still haunt me, mainly getting her to give me the details and own her actions. I would go to the holiday party whether she goes or not. Confront the other man while you are there. Not in a violent or even obvious way. Just tell him calmly that you will stop at nothing to end the affair and fight for your marriage. Don't get into a discussion with him. Just make your statement and then spend the rest of your night being fun and cheery with your wife. Do not give her 1 second alone with him. Then expose expose expose. I'm not talking about at the holiday party (although that would give you a captive audience :D). I cannot express that strongly enough.

Its time for you to get strong for your wife. Do you have what it takes, or are you going to fade into obscurity?

Ya, don't be so easy to get rid of.

You are married to each other, not just her boyfriend she is living with who she grew tired of.

Be firm, compassionate but not a push over and not a quitter.

UC,
Also check out this link. Its only a few posts, but it shows what exposure can do.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...at&Number=2288189&gonew=1#UNREAD

I have been reading your thread since you started it. These posters are giving you excellent advise. You are in a war with her OM and your wife/family is the prize. Right now, you are not even fighting to protect your family. Breaking affairs requires implementing the tools given on MB's. Without them, my marriage would have been lost 5-years ago.

People fear losing their loved one, but you must understand, you have already lost her. What you are trying to do now is win her back. Exposure appears to be dirty pool but affairs don't survive well when scrutinized by peers, family, and friends.

My FWW's OM showed up in the parking lot of the MC to let me know he was still in the game. That was my breaking point where I knew it was over unless I took radical actions. You must do what doesn't feel right but that is your only hope.

I am sorry you are going through this. My DD happened over the holiday's too. Very tough year and time. You never escape it completely either and that is why I always seem to come back and read the boards. Good luck. Be strong and pray for strength to take the right actions.

TooSoon

"But how much more damage will be done in that 6 months?"

The OM will knock up WW. OM love to go bare back.

This is wrong thinking, IMO. A man should be willing to fight to protect his wife, but he should not have to fight to win her affections from another man.
Any woman that would feel that her husband is some type of hero because she needs to be prevented from doing the wrong thing, is not worth having as a spouse, IMO. The desire to be honorable and have integrity has to come from within. Otherwise, one is setting oneself up for a lifetime of battles to keep her on the straight and narrow.

I think you do need to expose and break up the affair,but, not because your wife will respect you for it. I think you should do it for your own self respect.

"UC you stated that the affair has been going one for 1.5 years and that you have a child that is a 1 year old. Maybe you should consider DNA testing. the affair maybe has been going on longer than that."

Second the need for a DNA test.

"Well, she would have needed to be unfaithful for 1 year and 9 months, and she said that the SA lasted only one year. Plus, my child looks exactly like me."

This subject has crossed your mind already. Though keep in mnd that WW's are know to only to admit to the least bit of truth possible.

UC,

I have children older than you. If you were my son, I would take you FIRMLY by the shoulders, look you square in the eye, and tell you to FEED OFF OF THE ANGER.

You need to finally and fully become a man and FEED OFF OF THE ANGER. By that I mean, go to the party, enjoy her anger, and make darned sure she and OM have a lot of reasons to be angry at you.

You don't understand this but doing the RIGHT THING will anger them.

1. Fighting for your marriage will anger them.

2. Keeping them apart will anger them.

3. Making sure your child is yours will anger them.

4. Protecting yourself will anger them.

5. Going to her company and exposing will anger them.

ALL OF THIS ACTIONS ARE CORRECT, HONORABLE, and REQUIRED actions of a man that loves his W. You sound like a man that loves money more than he loves his W, his family, and his child.

You also said

UC, she has left you. She no longer loves you. She is cheating on you. She prefers the OM to you or should would not be with him everyday, she would not be going to the party with HIM instead of you. She would not be tearing her family up and risking losing her job unless you have already lost her.

UC I still have my hands firmly on your shoulders, and I am looking you square in the eyes. What you fear has already happened. What you need to do is decide if this marriage is worth your effort. If it is, then you need to fight for it and that means exposure. That means FEEDING OFF OF HER ANGER. It means YOU must be a man and a Father for your child.

You need to make yourself proud, your child proud (you MUST be able to look this child in the eye years from now and be able say "I did everything I could to protect my family and you from the pain of divorce." You must be able to say this no matter how it turns out.

Please, please understand that her anger should be your fuel to fight. If she was indifferent, I would say leave her this moment. You are dealing with an addict and one of the ways you are know you are doing right is if they are mad at you. They way you tell they are lying is if their lips are moving.

End of speech UC, but I hope you feel how tightly I have been squeezing your shoulders and how confident I am about what I and everyone else has told you.

Please think about this.

JL

Yeah.
What he said.

Was the holiday party today or tomorrow?

Gg

Thank you everyone for all the advice. Thank you JL for gripping my shoulders and telling me how it is. I think you shook me a little, and it put some sense into me. She is already mad at me, and I am mad at her, I definitely need to feed off this anger and let it out. The exposure has begun, my family, her family, the OM mother. Their boss will hear from me in the morning.

I am going to this party, I just need a babysitter. She was at work all day and going strait to the party after she gets off. She has called me three times today, I think to make sure I was not upset so she would feel better and have a good time. Every time she called I made it clear that I would not accept her behavior and that I did not approve of her going. I do not think she knows that I am going to show up.

Good for you brother, she is YOUR woman, I would find a babysitter for sure and make sure the OM knows she is YOUR wife and you're HER husband....HE is not welcomed.

Enjoy the party, BTW, you are doing the right thing.

UC,
You got some...

Gg

The Alpha male emerges...

So GLAD to see you taking action.

Remember: when she's angry it means your actions are having an impact. It means you're making trouble in her fantasy affair-land.

Do NOT let her bait you into a fight. The more angry she gets, the more confident and cool you should feel.

I actually feel a little bit happy right now.

Because you feel empowered...

Gg

Next step after exposure, go to Plan A. See link below.



Plan A & Plan B

Carrot & Stick of Plan A
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788#Post1640788

As Bob Pure used to say - and he was a BH who did recover his marriage by standing up to his WW and the OM - "just think of yourself as James Bond. Absolutely cool and unflappable and in control, no matter what is blowing up around him."
Mulan