You're on the right road, Can. And so far your W is willing to walk the road w/ you.

We have recovered from it. Thanks to MB.

Everything except leaving her job, which from what I can tell will prevent us from walking that road to R.

Yes, that has to be addressed and corrected. Hopefully, Jennifer will be able to get through to her.

Sunday night my W said "I don't see you trusting me as long as I work with OM."

I said "there is some truth to that" which upset her

She said "so you want me to leave in the middle of the school year in the financial shape we are in" her tone was that of disgust.

I said, "I just want you to talk to Jennifer" that is all I'm asking, I don't expect anything from the session, I just ask that we do it and she agreed.

Should I have said something else?

It's OK to tell her that you want her to quit her job.

In fact, she ought to KNOW this is the case. This is part of radical honesty that Dr. Harley says is necessary for a happy M.



How about if you said this..."I want you to be, at the very least, aggressively looking for another job."

sounds like a good approach Marsh, I will run it by Jennifer and get her thoughts as well.

What do you think about sending my wife a link to a FWW thread that she could see herself in?

I'd really hold off on bringing her here just yet.

Maybe run this past Jennifer too.

If your W is still in an A, you don't want her to find this place.

Really nervous about session with Jennifer tonight. We went to bed last night on not so good terms. Both sick, neither interested in talking about our days. When I ask questions about her day I get short answers. Total lack of warmth.

She had a IC session on tuesday night and I know she talked to her C about the session with Jennifer because she came home asking why I scheduled it on a night when there was a game and I wanted to have people over. I told her I thought this was more important. I feel she is going into the session with her walls up and prepared to fight it. I'm starting to think this is a waste of money.

She's going to do what she's going to do. You can't control her. You can only control yourself. You really need to try to stay upbeat about things. Optimism is catchy. So get some so she can catch some of yours. I keep asking this, but have you gotten any of Dr. Harley's books, yet? It's hard to stay pessimistic after reading them.

Jennifer is a professional...she knows how to coach hesitant/skeptical folks. She does it all the time. I think you're going to be surprised w/ how well it goes.

I dont have any of the books yet, would you start with SAA? Should I ask W to read it too?

I would get all of the ones I mentioned earlier. But, yeah, SAA is a good place to start... there is just so much to absorb. I would just order them all, and start reading. I'll bet she'll pick them up on her own and start reading them, since she is already curious about how Dr. Harley's approach is different from others.

You could also order them on CD, and could listen to them on a long car ride w/ your W.

Your W needs to see that you are willing to make changes that will make both of you happier. Right now she's afraid all the changes will have to be on her side, and that they will be ones she's not happy about. She doesn't understand how MB principles work. And you have only dipped your toe into them, so you can't explain them fully to her. That's why the books are so helpful...so necessary!

Thanks Marsh, will do, you're the best. I'm so thank for for this site and especially you. I think you may have found your calling - calmly walking BS through the darkest days and giving them a glipse of hope if they are willing to put in the effort.

How did it go, Can?

Wow, where do I start. My wife was upset heading into the call. She asked how much this cost and i told her and she flipped. Money is tight and she was comparing what we where spending on our MC (much less). I stayed respectful and clamly explained that I would do anything to save our marriage and that D would cost us 1000 times more if it came to that.

Then she began to explain that it makes her mad to hear me say I would do anything to save our marriage except give her the space she requested as a result of her IC sessions. I didn't respond with anything because I didn't want to educate her on what I learned "space" in her situation means.

the call with Jennifer:
From minute one W was turned off, short, and almost disrespecful and after the first couple minutes Jennifer suggested that her and I talk one-on-one and we did for all but the last couple minutes.

I was an extremely helpful session for me and I believe one day soon my wife will thank me for my efforts and decisions to proactively address our marriage recovery. Maybe not, can't control that.

The summary is that Jennifer took everything that I have been learning about LB's, ENs, etc. and put it into a daily workable system.

She explained that most IC focuses on our Taker, hence my W's need for space since IC started.

She explained how I need to proactively understand my triggers for LBs and practice my responses and tone

She help me setup a "why" document that I can review to remind myself why I am putting myself through this

She explained that my time with W is very valuable especially because she is insisting on space so the time I do have with her need to be enjoyable.

She asked me to invite W to begin a new life/marriage with me and even if she is not on board right now, I'm going to begin anew.

She explained that my wife has cancer and all this well intented doctors around her(friends, family, IC, me) all approaching her with potential cures and none have worked and she doesn't remember being healthy so her hope is none there. (This was huge for me, because it helped me see her pain and appreciate that she is hurting too, helps with the empathy

All around, I have a ton of work to do and a lot of reading, all will make me a better person regardless of her decisions.

I'm more hopeful than I have been since this all started. Thank you for pushing me Marsh, I owe this since of peace to you.

That's terrific, Can! It feels great to have a plan that makes sense, right? Instead of feeling powerless, you feel empowered!

Thanks for the kind words, but YOU are the one who is making things happen.

Oh, and way to go, not LBing her before the call. You handled that perfectly!

What did Jennifer say about your W still working w/ OM?

She said the goal is to eliminate that, however she understands that is more then a difficult sell now. Until I have a significantly positive balance in the bank it is dangerous to ask her to chose me or the job. Bottom line is that it needs to be her choice to do so and she certainly isn't going to chose leaving now so deal with what I can control.

Sounds good.

Wow, did, laundry, cleaned, replaced faucet, fixed garbage disposal, and went grocery shopping. All resulted in W getting up from the couch as soon as I finally sat down. There is no way around it, Plan A sucks. At what point should I become concerned that I'm being taken for granted.

This weekend was LB free on my part.