It's good to see more of this going on here, Chai!

Keep up the great work,,,,,,,,,,,and DEFINATELY give serious consideration to the convertible for your trip!! Now that would put some serious wind on those nips!

Well I certainly hope that 2010 is better. It can't be too much worse I guess, although I shouldn't say that because as soon as I do it will get worse.

I think I've already written a book - this thread!!!! It's almost as long as a book now.

The end of this chapter is near.....

Looks like I might have another hurdle to get over before the end of the year. My mom is not doing well.

She is 85 and just had surgery for gallstones. The nursing home called tonight to tell me that she won't eat and is bloated. She had a stroke two years ago and can't talk very well, she is legally blind due to macular degeneration, and has two hearing aids to be able to hear anything at all. Her quality of life is so poor. I think she has just given up.

My dad died in 2003 and she hasn't been the same since. They were married 60+ years.

So, my brother and I decided at the hospital not to revive her if she didn't make it through the surgery, but now the nursing home needs to know what they should do. I hate having to make this decision, especially right now. I just don't feel capable of making anymore decisions about anything really. I feel like I'm the one who has to decide whether she lives or not.

Man, when I think about the last two years and all of the loses I keep thinking that I just can't take another loss. On top of everything else I may now lose my mother.

Oh Chai



Praying for good things to come your way soon!

((((Chai)))) I am so sorry to hear about your Mom, I work in a nursing home and I can imagine how hard this is for you.

Is your Mom able to communicate with you right now?

Chai, I am so sorry about your mother....at least you dont have to make the decision completely on your own, at least you have your brother....It just seems like you have been thru so much, my prayers are with you...Hang in there, K?

Thanks Jean and Still and Lil

It was a hard day. My brother and I decided that we aren't going to keep her alive with machines. We decided that if we were laying there we would want someone to make the same decision for us. We tried to talk with her but she couldn't really talk and I'm not sure she knew who we were. If she doesn't improve in a couple of days they will move her to hospice. It's so hard to let go, but I think she has decided that it is time now.


I got sick and we had to leave. My head felt like it was going to explode, and I've been in bed most of the day. I just feel totally stressed out. All of this is getting to be too much for me really.

But, I have another interview on Tuesday so I have to get myself up and back in the swing of things so that I am in a frame of mind to do this interview. I feel like if I can get some income, I will be OK because I won't have to worry about paying bills etc. That has been such a big source of stress.

DD is doing OK I guess. Not sure what she is going to do from here on out, but she is staying clean so they let her stay in rehab. She was here today caring for chaibaby all day and seemed to do OK.

I told her I had to transfer money to WH and I can't remember how the conversation went but she mocked him and said he'll say "she's getting what she deserves." I guess in the waywards mind, BS's deserve to lose everyting because we didn't meet their needs. Cheating definitely paid in his case. He came out smelling like a rose.

Anyway, I am mentally going to prepare for what might come soon with my mom.

I hope the losses stop coming here soon.

I'm right here Chai. I'm so sorry about your mom. I love you

Chai, I have been very quiet around here but I come and peak at your thread every now and then. I pray for you more than once each day. That is all I can do.

I have no words for how much I do wish life was different for you. I just wish there was a way to lighten your load.

Chai, it's late at night in California and I'm pooped...so you're not getting the whole "loaf" of my opinion on this. But I want to say this to you from the perspective of 40 years as a registered nurse, and also that of a daughter who made the same decision for my own mom after she had a stroke, and then sat and watched her dying at Neak's home, without calling for medical attention or taking her to the hospital. I believe that you have done the right, the kindest, the best thing for your mom. A very large percentage of resuscitations are unsuccessful, and as someone who has participated in many "codes" over the decades, I promise you--it's a lousy way to die. And I can't imagine many circumstances where a nursing home code would be more effective than a hospital code...and they're the ones that often fail. What you have done is much harder for you and your brother, but very tender and considerate for your mom.

Visit with her, even if it seems she can't hear you. If she liked to hear hymns and Bible verses, read or play them to her. Pray with her, if that was important to her, or if it is important to you...and let her go gently and kindly, if that's what happens. And do it because you love her more than you want to spare yourself the pain of having your mother gone. It has been almost 7 years since my mother died. I'm getting tears in my eyes tonight, thinking about that last, awful day. But I'm not sorry, and I have the Do Not Resuscitate papers for my dad handy, too, so that he will not have to die with medical people poking, prodding, thumping, and yanking him around.

I'm so sorry you're in this spot, but I commend you on the wisdom of your choice.

tl

{{{chai}}}

I'll ditto thndrm. My mom just turned 78, emphysema from smoking, so she can't even walk down to the retirement community's meal room without having to stop and rest and breathe. Chronic back pain they can't help; she has to move from sitting to standing every 30 minutes or so, all day long.

She's always been so independent. Moved across the country in the 50s, alone and pregnant. Left my dad when he cheated on her and wouldn't take him back. Head nurse in the state prison.

Despite the pain and the trouble breathing, you know what she is saddest about? That she can't be who she used to be - independent. It just crushes her that just going to Walgreens is an all-week planning trip. She'd put up with the pain and the breathing, if she could just still have her old life back.

My point is, she doesn't want this current part of her life. She's glad to be alive, but it's a sliding scale, kwim? If it gets much worse for her...well, I know for certain she would never want to continue in that condition. She has told me that she'd be mad at me, in fact. She says that she's had the life she wanted; she's grateful to wake up each day, but he doesn't want to wake up if she can't even participate - that what she had was good enough, and she's ready for the relief. She also said she's depending on us to do the hard stuff, when the time comes.

I hope that helped, to have her perspective.

Good morning Chai,

This morning I tried to focus my prayers on you among others and ask guidance for inspiration on how I can help you.

What if.....

JT, you will completely correct me if I am totally off base ok?

But what if....

If I remember the journey for JT, she found out about her H's A and he walked out on her. Not soon after if not immediately she found out she had cancer and needed to tend to that and put the hardship of the A on the back burner so to speak.

Maybe this is G-d giving you something else to tend to instead of the A as a way of getting you to forget it for awhile and take care of something else that really matters today thereby giving you the rest from the chaos that you so desperately asked for and needed.

Just a thought...

Chai

I agree that you have most certainly done the most loving thing for your Mother with the decision you & your brother made. It takes a whole lot of love to let go like that.

You & your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

Chai, it's always hard when you lose a parent, decision or no. I agree with everyone else, you and your brother have made the right choice -- doesn't make it any easier but later on you will be at peace with this decision.

((((Chai))))

Thanks TL and Cat for the reinforcement of a hard decision. I watched my dad die in hospice and it seemed so cruel. He had no food or water for the last 6 days, and it just seemed like a horrible way to go. I just hate the thought of her having to go through the same thing. I can only hope that it isn't as horrible for them as it is for us to watch them.

Cinder, good to see you around. Come more often.

Queenie, maybe you are right. It will divert my attention, and I do need something to do that right now, but I wish it weren't something so tragic.

Bugs and PM, thanks for checking in. If I've missed anyone, I apologize.

I am determined that 2010 will be a better year for me. I am going to figure out how to get out from under this darn black cloud!

Chai--I've never worked for hospice, but I do know dying. If your dad was unconscious for his last 6 days, the food didn't really matter. However, his mouth should've been kept wet by some means, if he wasn't taking in liquids that way. They have swabs, etc., that can be used if the patient can't swallow. You certainly have the right to insist that all comfort measures be used freely on your mom's behalf, and some of them you can do yourself so you don't have to wait for nursing staff to get the time to come to her room.

tl

Ah, here's the deal. When we ask for something we always have this IDEA of what we need.

Then there is G-d who KNOWS what we need.

As truly sad and heartwrenching it is to have to go through this, I also believe this may be a ticket of freedom so that when you get a job and maybe have to move there is nothing pulling you back? Does that make sense.

I have learned that we have this "notion" of how we want things to go, but that it DOES NOT seem to work out that way.

Have you seen the movie Polar Express? It's about believing. My friend, PLEASE TRUST G-d. He knows what he is doing and is RIGHT there for YOU...

Chai, we also were with our mother when she was dying. We used the swabs and the sponge toothbrushes to keep her mouth wet. It was a hard death, but those things were really helpful. She couldn't keep anything down - or in - (Cancer) but we were thankful for the lemon/glycerine swabs and the sponge toothbrushes.
Not to get too gross, but there was a lot of phlegm to collect on the sponge things. The first time I pulled one out, the look in her eyes was heartbreaking. From then on, I shielded the brush from her sight with my other hand when I cleaned her mouth.
Hospice were very good. They came to the house and taught us so much. We were thankful for them too.
Sorry about your mother.

I played soft music in the background during Mom's final hours.
It helped BOTH of us.
You decide which music.

I also read to her.

Now that you mention it, I do remember my mom using the wet swabs on him. She was with him 24/7 until he passed.

The one comfort is that I know she will be with dad. That will make her happy.