Merry Christmas Chai.

Thank you Jean.

Queenie, TL - I definitely am not going to allow it. You are right, if XWH was around more, or really even cared, he would already be cleared to take chaibaby. I just don't want to hear anything about him now. It's better for me that way.

I wondered whether or not to stay in Plan B after the D, but it still makes sense since the pain is still there. Perhaps one day, the hurt will be gone and he won't be able to cause me anymore pain.

Well, the day is almost over. My dday was Christmas 2006, so Christmas has never been the same for me. In fact, I almost hate the day now.

Somehow, I have to find a way to rid myself of the resentment and anger. I still have my trip scheduled for next week and I am going to really work on letting it all go. I've decided to take supplies with me to do a Vision Board on my trip. A friend told me that she was going to do one and it sounded like a good idea to me. Getting a solid plan in place to move forward alone in my life may help me focus on it a little more.

Smartie, I am looking forward to ringing in the new year with you, and SL I can't wait to meet you.

I am so praying for good things to happen in 2010.....

Hope you will stick to the rules as they pertain to ChaiBaby. I don't know if you remember, but I went to court for the 3 year old son of my given kids mom. It caused all kinds of problems in my marriage, and with the kids. However that young child didn't have a voice except for mine.

He is now 9 years old, and doing very well living with his father. He has overcome the neglect, the sexual abuse from mom's druggie friends and is a normal boy.

And when I look back on my life, I feel proud that I stood up for him. It wasn't easy, but was the right thing to do.

ChaiBaby deserves the best. Insist on it.

Merry Christmas, friend. Hope you had a good day. Yep... my d-day was the week before Christmas, so every Christmas since then (this is my third) has lost its innocense. Perhaps some soul searching was needed since I no longer fret over the "just right" gift and remind myself of the true reason for the season.

Enjoy your upcoming trip. You deserve it!!

DD says that XWH wants to see chaibaby and is willing to come to a restaurant or public place. Evidently I am supposed to sit somewhere else while they visit.

I am torn as to whether I should do this or not. If he did M OW, I have no desire to see the two of them at all. This would also break my Plan B, but does Plan B really make any sense after a D? I dunno.....

I think I still maintain that if he wants to see chaibaby then he should get cleared.

Hi Chai-

I've been catching up on your sitch and have a few thoughts

First of all, I hope you do take the opportunity to visit with your cousin's friend. (I also hope you notice I said "visit with" and not "date" because it really is just an opportunity to meet someone who is interesting and has had some unique experiences that would be fun to hear about...)

In regards to WXH and Chaibaby-well, it's not really your "call" in this case, no matter how much of a tantrum either your DD and your WXH throw. You already stated the restrictions.



These were set in place by CPS and not YOU. It's out of your hands. If DD and WXH want to get mad at someone, give them the name of Chaibaby's case worker at CPS and leave it at that.

If WXH really, truly wants to see Chaibaby, then he will have to follow their rules. If you break those rules for DD or WXH, then you run the risk of losing your time with Chaibaby as well. Don't go out of your way for him. It's not really about seeing chaibaby anyway...and you know that. Your time with chaibaby is YOURS. Don't give it away.

I vote for continued Plan B, to protect your heart from any more pain that your WXH may sling at you. He has demonstrated that he is willing to stoop quite low to continue to find ways to try to minimize his own guilt.

With what he has done, it would not surprise me if he did this just to get you in trouble with CPS.

I agree with everyone here, Chai. Don't break the rules to help out WH. You never know if it'll come back and bite you. If he really wants a relationship with Chaibaby, WH should go through the proper channels. And this relationship should extend beyond holidays. Funny how wayward dads or grandpas suddenly want to see their offspring on special occasions. Where are they on ordinary days of the week?

When do you leave on your trip?

T/J - Hi JT, you are going to have mail in a few.

I want to hear all about the holidays... I love you.

T/J over

Thanks JT and everyone else. I know that you are all right on, but sometimes guilt gets the best of me.

And he is not going to see chaibaby. The events of the weekend have built up to an explosion. Here goes....

As you know, DD is pregnant again. Well, I found out that she has been put on a behavior contract at rehab. Old behaviors have reared their ugly heads this week. She has been to every hospital in the city over the last 5 days. She has had everything from walking pnuemonia, an ectopic pregnancy, MRSA related stuff, a miscarriage, and _____(fill in the blank). The pregnancy is an excuse now....

Well we all know that these are hospital shopping trips to get pain killers. She knows as long as she gets thiem in the hospital and doesn't get a prescription she is clear (or so she thinks).

So it started Thursday evening. The arguing, fighting etc. We went to the boyfriend's house and spent the evening with his family, but not before a hospital trip. I had decided that I would get through the holiday one way or the other. Christmas Day was OK, but she called someone to take her to the hospital Friday evening, and then called me to tell me they were admitting her.

BTW, I won't go to a hospital. I did it too many times and refuse to do it. She somehow manages to get other people to take her.

So Saturday, she was supposed to go to the shop with me to watch chaibaby. I have been working alone as much as I can, so she was supposed to be there to take care of him in the back. Well, after being released from the hospital (still not sure she was there all night) she came to the shop. What a horrible experience. She was higher than a kite, could barely keep her head up and kept falling face down on the table. Picture someone who is so drunk that they can't stand up, and that is what she looked like. Her eyes were back in her head, which is "the look" that I am so familiar with.

So she goes into the tiny bathroom and kept falling off the toilet. For some reason, she sits on the toilet for hours.

Chaibaby was crying, I had customers, the phone was ringing, OMG. Chaos.

So I put chaibaby on my hip and helped customers. I go back to try to open the bathroom door and she has fallen off the toilet and is passed out on the bathroom floor with her bare [censored] up in the air. I couldn't even opent the door all the way because it is a small bathroom.

She was snoring, so I knew she was alive, but I called a guy she knows and he said that I should call 911 for possible OD. So I call 911, the ambulance comes, she fights with them, telling them that it was caused by medicine given to her in the hospital etc. What a Cluster.

We go home, and the entire evening is the same. She was feeding chaibaby dinner, and I came downstairs to find her on the floor under the high chair. I just left her there.

A few hours later I found her in the bathroom again where she had fallen off the toilet again. Then later it was in the kitchen where she was hanging over the table.

She finally went to sleep last night.

Then WW III started this morning. She needed to go to the hospital again, and I said fine, I'll take you.

I was so burned out and I could feel my blood pressure going sky high. I dropped her off at the door and drove away.

Can't do this anymore. I'm done. She can't come back here. This morning she was slamming doors, f-ing this and that. Poor little chaibaby has to hear all of this screaming, and he is so sweet. I hate it.

Every toilet seat in my house is broken, and every toilet is stopped up with all the paper she puts down them. I have had to plunge every one.

I have been getting calls all day and brutal messages like "I can't believe your are doing this to me" "I'm your daughter, how can you keep my son from me" "my dad is going to get his atty and take chaibaby" "my dad is going to do this" "my dad hates you" blah blah blah.

I am so burned out that I really don't care anymore.

Sorry for the rant, but it feels good to vent. Right now chaibaby is sleeping and I am enjoying the peace and quiet.

I have to detach from her, and I have to detach from XWH.

I've given the last 5 years to this addiction. XWH was smarter than I was - he walked away from it a long time ago.

So that's my holiday. I am glad that I started Alanon.

I can't wait until I leave town Tuesday morning. I may not come back.....

Thanks for listening.

((Chai))

You have done more than most would to try and help your DD and to save your M. You have most certainly gone above and beyond for chaibaby.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. The monster-changeling you see in your DD is the monster of addiction that has taken her over. It's the same type of monster than transformed your XH into the cretin he has become.

You DO need to detach and do a "Plan B" with both your XH and your DD. She won't ever get better if she doesn't hit her own "bottom". She has made her choices and she will have to deal with the consequences of those choices. I know it hurts to see her this way, but it's out of your hands. She is a "grown-up" (well, chronologically) and this is the life she is choosing to live right now. That doesn't mean she is beyond recovery, she just has to want it more than the "high".

Enjoy your trip. I will be praying for you. Maybe one day you can head out to the PNW and hang out with Queenie, L4 and me.

Love ya'

Peace be with you, ChaiL.

I would call, but I know you need the rest. And you don't need to rehash to me what has happened. I can't believe your situation, and I feel badly for you and the baby. Sheeeeze.... when you think it can't get any worse -- POW!

Just know that I'm praying for you and your family -- that God continues to give you strength and wisdom to get through this latest situation.

And post, vent, scream... do whatever you need to. We are here for you.

Hi Chai, I dont know if I have ever responded on your thread or not. I have read the whole thing, and you have always been such an inspiration. You have been so strong during everything your wxh has done to you. Held your head up high while he sunk so low. Before I read regularly on here I failed to keep my head up high during my marriage, and it was always such a disappointment in myself. Reading your story, it shows me there isnt anything that I cant get through and be strong. I dont know if it helps or not knowing that you are an inspiration, but I wanted to tell you.

I'm sorry, but, honestly, these are the words we've all been hoping to hear from you (and probably all your combined families as well:

It is only from THIS point that you can move forward in strength. It is the ONLY way your daughter will ever get straight - if YOU push her out of your life for now.

Oh Chai,

Come on babe, you are just trying out new material on us for your stand up comedy routine.

wow

JT, Queenie, HH, Cat, Barbie

Thanks for the support. You all have been such a big help to me.

And yes, I am doing Plan B with both of them. The boyfriend has always said that DD has never really hit the bottom, so hasn't ever really been serious about the rehab.

I had a message from the case worker tonight. Seems several hospitals across 4 counties and 2 states called CPS to report that DD was hospital shopping all weekend for pain killers. It's pretty certain that she will get kicked out of the rehab tomorrow. I suppose she will go back to live with that old guy she lived with before. That house is so filthy you can smell it before you even open your car door.

The BF has had a relapse in his program, but the difference with him is that he owns up to it, tells his counselor and sponsor, and works the program even harder. DD just stays in denial and tries to lie and manipulate. Anyway, the BF said tonight that he is staying away from her totally. He has a job that he loves, got employee of the month, and is saving money. He wants to stay on track.

BF has to work 6 or 7 days in a row so he called tonight to see if I would bring chaibaby back one day earlier so that he could spend some time with him. The little guy is just so happy all of the time, and now he giggles at everything. He holds anything he can find up to his ear and says "hello" although not very plainly. We know what he is saying though. Too cute. I just feel so bad for him and wonder what his future will hold. I wish that I could take him, but it isn't the right thing for me or for him.

Queenie, I will have to send you a couple of pictures to go with my comedy club act. I snapped a few of DD as she was falling off the toilet, and a few when she is passed out under the high chair. I knew that she would tell the case worker that I was lying, so I snapped a few pics to prove how f'd up she was. After the hospital calls, they know it now anyway, but I did not want them to let her have unsupervised visits with him.


I saw It's Complicated tonight. I laughed and I cried. Great movie though. Every WS should see it.

Chai--there's really nothing like good photographic documentation. I can't think of anything harder for a mother to do than to use it, but if you have to in order to protect ChaiBaby, I'm still glad you've got it. Life just makes me TIRED. I'll bet you know what I mean.

tl

Hi IM, thank you for the kind words. I don't really consider myself all that strong, but sometimes we just have to deal with what comes at us. Somedays I feel like I am losing steam. I hope that I can be of help to someone out there.

Do you have a thread I-M??

I hated to do it, but she about had CPS convinced to give her back unsupervised visits and I just couldn't allow it. I had to protect that little guy.

Tired? I sure do know what you mean. I remember someone said "Life's a B!tch, then you die." Isn't it the truth.....