I know this is probably a stupid question--I know why BW hates me so much but, why so much more than the WH?

In my case, OM is the one who started A and pursued it so much...so, why is his BW able to forgive him but still hate me so much? And, don't get me wrong--I know my part in the whole A and I've accepted full responsibility.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out why WH is off the hook with her but I'm the enemy. I do know that I am not the only A for this guy but I don't think BW knows about the others.

Just curious.

I guess what I'm asking is this:

Does BW take the anger/hate/hurt that she should have for the WH and direct it all toward OW because she wants the love to still be there for the WH?

Simply because its easyer to hate someone you dont know or care for or love than someone you have so much love for like a spouse.

For me, it was because I couldn't possibly believe that my wonderful husband would be party to such disgusting behaviour and it must have been her that encouraged it all and led him on.

Stupid, dumb pre MB thinking I know as he was just as guilty as she was, but I just couldn't get my head around it at the time so she was the butt of all my rage.

You can't be serious?

People ask this all the time.

The BS's goal is to keep the family together. The OP is the intruder and the threat to the family. That's why the BS goes ballistic and tried their best to drive off the intruder, not the spouse.

Yes, the WS was stupid and selfish, but as long as the BS wants to keep the family together - and they usually do - well, duh, the family includes the WS (once they become FWS). It does NOT include the OP.

And in case that wasn't clear enough:

The OP stuck their @ss right into the marriage and into the family. There is no way any family or any marriage can survive with OP @ss sitting in the middle of it. The BS will react to this exactly like finding an intruder in the home going through the family's belongings, because that's exactly what's happening.

In your case: He was HER husband. Of course she still wants her husband and family. Did you ask her if she no longer wanted HER husband before you started seeing him? No, you just butted in and sat down right in the middle of HER family. And you don't understand why YOU are the enemy and not HER OWN FAMILY?

Again: She can forgive him because she loves him and wants to keep her family together. Did she love you and are you part of her family?

Duh.

Mulan

What Mulan said.

I was really hoping for none of the meanness and sarcasm. I do know all these things but I was just wondering why she did not hold him just as much if not more so responsible than I was.

I am no longer an OW and never will be again. A has been over for 15+ months.

Her H is the one who brought the intruder in to begin with so, why does he not get the blame? Because he is Mr. Perfect? And, all is forgiven him.

I wonder if she should know about the others? Don't worry...it's just a thought. I'm not going to tell--not my place to do so.

WXH was once the man I fell in love with, married, built a life with, raised a child with, went through financial hardships with, rose above them with, etc. etc. etc... As miserable and vile of a creature that he is now, he was many things to me in my life.

OW is a homewrecking wh**e. She is toxic waste with no redeemable qualities whatsoever. Oh I'm sure she has done more with her life than wreck mine, but even if she was a Nobel Peace Prize winner, this is the only capacity that I know her in. It takes absolutely no effort whatsoever to hate her.

Though I will likely never forgive WXH, I may still occassionally look back fondly on memories of the man that he once was. For those BW's who managed to exorcise the aliens that possess their WH's know that a decent man lives inside. No such thing with OW. The OW is simply not worth the effort.

Can i ask why do you still care so much about whats going on in OM life?? even if its a fleeting thought i would reccomend that you forget he is on the same planet as you and concentrate on repairing your marriage.

Speaking of sarcasm...

It's much simpler than you are making it out to be.

YOU are the "robber" of her safety. You STOLE something from her that WAS NOT YOURS. She is thinking "how dare you touch MY HUSBAND!! He is not FREE GAME, he is MINE."

Not only that, but in our case, OW has never apologized...never, ever, ever and the last I was told, she is still justifying and being the "victim". (not sure if this is the case for you but it is for many BSs).

My H, OTOH, has done everything in his power to make this mistake up to me. OW has done NOTHING to repair the damage she created.

It's all of these things put together that make it easier to forgive the FWS than the AP.

Why do you care if she hates you?

<<In my case, OM is the one who started A and pursued it so much...>>>

As a BS, I absolutely HATE when an OW says that a MM "pursued" her and she finally caved in and lowered herself to cheat. First of all, the very first time a MM hits on you and you know he is M, what is wrong with you that you don't put him totally in his place the first time. I am a very attractive, successful woman and I have always worked around men whom I know have hinted to a come-on to me and I stop them dead in their tracks because it literally disgusts me for some other woman's H to come on to me. Anyway, I don't speak for all BS but I can tell you that I put my DH through h*ll about his A. I am finally at a good place and I am gaining back the respect I lost for him for having an A. I think as women we believe that we should have some kind of allegiance to each other. I personally hated my DH XOW for a long time because when I called her she was really rude to me and said some really mean things. I didn't understand why she was mad at me but I soon realized that I didn't care.

I personally hold both parties responsible for the A, but I was able to give my DH grief about his part in it but I feel like the XOW knew he was M, decided to assist him in destroying our M and then walked away unscathed. I really could care less about her now besides the fact that I think she is pond scum and has no dignity. My DH, I have know for 20 years and I know that although he was wrong for having an A, he did the necessary work on himself and our M to help repair our M.

Good question, and furthermore...how do you even KNOW that the BW carries so much animosity towards you?

Well, StillDawn, we can only hope that one day you are married to man you love and that one day you wake up and find out he is dating and scr*wing another woman.

I am sure you can then come back here and tell us how you kicked you husband to the curb and divorced him, but then called up the OW and told her how you didn't blame her at all since gee, she didn't take vows to YOU. Only your husband made a promise to you - right?

Maybe you and the OW can even be friends, since it wasn't HER fault your husband decided to date and scr*w her. And then you can come back here and give us all a lesson in how an OW should be handled.

I think you are very young and very, very ignorant. And no, there is no meanness or sarcasm whatsoever in any of my responses. There is only the truth.

As I said, let us know when YOU are the Betrayed Wife, and then you can tell us the proper way to handle it.
Mulan

Instead of focusing on what your victim thinks of you, and whether she does or should feel the same way about the person who helped you destroy her, focus on your part of this: your crime and your repentance.

In black and white that sounds angry, but it's not. It's a simple statement of fact. You're looking for the wrong answers with this question. What you interpret as mere sarcasm and anger being directed at you, is incredibly hurt, yet beautiful and resilient people sharing their pain in the hope that you will find benefit.

That you cannot (yet) speaks volumes as to how much of the fog still lingers, even more than 15 months after the end of the A.

Do you feel the same about OMW as you do for any other woman you do not know, or did you at times have dislike for her?

During the affair, did you resent her living with and sleeping with your boyfriend every night? Did you resent her for being able to walk out in public with him, and show him to her parents, and visit her parents with him, and go to his office dinners as his wife?

Did you resent her for being the mother of his children? For being able to spend Christmas with him, and go on holiday with him? Did you resent her on their wedding anniversary, and on her birthday and his, when they went out together? Did you feel that she did not love him properly, and that she deserved to lose him for not showering him with love as you did? Did the fact that there had been other OWs make you feel that there was definitely something wrong with her, that she must have got married, got fat and lazy and neglected the house and kids while he worked his [censored] off (or paid too much attention to her kids while ignoring him, or paid too much attention to her appearance while neglecting him, and that's why he kept doing it)?

Did you hate her because, when the stuff hit the fan, she chose her and not you (but you know that this was because of the kids, and he really loves you like nobody he has ever loved)?

Did you at any moment feel any of of these things, and if so, what did she ever do to you to deserve those feelings? Why do you feel them for her and not some other woman you heard about whose H had an affair?

I know that my H OWs hated me for all these reasons, and quite deeply, because she told her H so when the stuff hit HER fan. Through most of this hatred I did not know that she existed.

How do you feel about her, Dawn?

My FWH has really gotten it from me. And he's working his a$$ off to repair the damage he and the OW inflicted upon me and our M. I've never heard from OW, but I know that she considers herself a victim as well. You know why? Because she "BELIEVED" my H! Is that too precious - a married woman, sneaking around with a married man and listening to his bullsh*t, and she BELIEVES what he's saying???

But whatever. I try not to hold too much against her because she's a non-person - she could have been anyone. Cut & paste a picture of anyone on her body and it would have been the same. She's just the physical embodiment of some ENs that were being met for my H. In my mind that makes her less than human, and I'll be happy to let her know that if she were to ever contact me for a pity party. I'll also be happy to make sure her H knows that this isn't the first rodeo for his poor little victim.

This is such a wayward statement/justification.

It's not like he hogtied you (the intruder) and FORCED you to intrude into their family.

Carrying your waywardism a little further and using the example Mulan(?) used... even IF HER husband "opened the door" to the criminal outside, and even invited the criminal in, it doesn't make the criminal any less a criminal because the criminal's intentions were to INTRUDE in her family the minute she accepted the invitation.

Whether he was the pursuer in your case or not, you WILLINGLY entered into this relationship.

As a BW myself, I can tell you, I did blame my FWH for HIS choices but I also blamed OW for hers. In the end I had no relationship to "restore" with OW nor would I want one. My husband had PROVEN his worthiness to be in my life whereas OW proved just the opposite.

Have you ever apologized to your BS for what you did/tried to do to her family?

Good point Mulan--and well taken.

I don't know what is going on with OM and his W and I don't know what she feels--although I do imagine. And, you're right--I suppose I would feel the same way.

I was just wanting to know why the WH didn't take as much heat or hate.

Believe me, I would LOVE to apologize to OM's BW and I actually did try right after d day but, she would not speak to me. It has haunted me still that I know she hates my guts and I do deserve it. I just wanted to know why HE didn't deserve it too.

I have learned alot since my OW days and I am still working on myself and my marriage.

Thanks for the insight.