Can someone explain how separating maintains the love inside a BS, when the affair continues? I would think the continuation would diminish the love.

Go read the book, Zelmo!

Florida, I think that is GOOD, but I would condense it down to about half that size. Less is better as long as you get the message across because a WW is detached. If there are too many words, she won't get the point.

Is Jennifer going to look at before you send it?

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse. The idea is to protect BS from hating WS. It is a chance to rebuild without getting involved in WW betrayals.

The purpose of plan A is to leave good memory of WS and plan B provides a path for reconnection. Many affairs disintegrate when the BS is out of the picture. This is the chance for plan A to do its stuff, but if not - BS recovers.

Plan B is in effect. I gave her the letter Friday and didn't say anything other than goodbye. Here sister called me and wanted to know why I know wanted to do Christmas together. I explained that my wife is dating and I need to start moving on and this is how divorced life is. Her sister is coming into town for Christmas and is very sad. She knows my W is in a deep funk and she said that I should move on and date but to not give up. I explained that my W wants something someone else and I had to begin my life and this is how life is. Oddly enough she finally agreed with me in the end. While she knows her sister is making a big mistake and will eventually have one of those OMG WTF did I do moments, I can't wait around for it to occur. I can't "play" family with my wife while she is dating others. It's just too painful. My sister-in law still wants to see me for Christmas and she sais she lvoed me and hopes that I will see my neices because they miss me. This is going to be painful. My children blame me for not sharing Christmas because my W invited me to stay the night. hmmm. She wants her BF AND she wants to have all the great holiday family stuff. That would suit her well. It would just be too painful for me and I think the children need to realize that this is divorce. I told them I did not want this but we need to start moving on. They begged me to at least go to church with them. This is something I might consider. My faith is important to me and I want my children to know it is important so I may do the church thing with the family and then part ways for seperate Chirstmas's. Any thoughts??

Will your xW also go to the same church?

Yes they want to do the family thing at church, including all the in-laws coming to town. Am i doing the right thing by completely cutting everything including Christmas church?

That's not Plan B. Suffering the embarrassment of not having you there at church - and her entire family knowing WHY you aren't there - is one of the most powerful weapons you have against her affair. It is a fair chance they will take HER to task for you not being there.

You can make plans with SIL to meet up with her and her kids elsewhere.

CUT IF ALL OFF!!!!!!!!! You go do something w/ your friends or your side of the family! MAKE THEM ALL MISS YOU! DUDE

I will need to pick up the children tomorrow. I am not going to do an intermediary but pick them up myself. How does the limited interaction work with the S in plan b. Other sites say hit and run with the kids. Walk int eh house smile laugh with the kids while your grabbing them and get out. Be cool about it. Is this the way to do it? I know my wife is going to want to know what is up. She still does not know that I know about her new BF. She has a profile on Match.com that she updated recently (she came up with the bright idea to date in order to get over this other guy. Real peice of work). I'm just going to tell her that that was an indication to me that you wanted to find new love and I need to move on in order to protect myself.

I just pull up and my kids come running out. I do not need to interact at all with XW. She is dead to you, as my friends tell me about my XW. The less contact, the better.

You should not even be looking at her, let alone talking to her. Unless the kids are under 2, they can walk outside to your car.

If you can remember what she was wearing the next day after you get the kids, you spent too much time with the WS.

I intercepted an e-mail from my W to her friend. Her friend asked if she made a decision. My W said she was not going to return (to me). Her friend said "BRava". You made the right decision. Once the "spell" has been broken it's almost impossible to get back.

Thi was heart wrenching. Apparently her friend doesn't understand the importance of at least knowing that you "tried" to get it back so that you have no regrets in life. I feel like just giving up on Plan B and just being freinds with the W. How does this Plan B even work when someones mindset is that they have decoded not to return and all their friends are saying "good choice". Of course her family says something else. Maybe I should have plan A'd her longer. Do people go from Plan B to plan A. What does it take. What the heck am I thinking??? I'm sick to my stomach thinking what she is doing to these children.

Floridapad, you shouldn't be intercepting e-mails if you are in Plan B. You should be protecting yourself from being hurt by seeing things like this.

I am not in Plan B but have stopped looking at Myspace and Facebook pages for a long time now and feel so much better for detaching myself from the evil world they exist in.

Please resist doing these things and then you can start concentrating on yourself for a change.

TM

Floridapad, you have been given excellent advice from some excellent advisors. Pepperband, catperson and others have been dead on target with their suggestions to you.

I am in a similar situation. I had almost no Plan A, and went into Plan B because we had a separation agreement in place. Today marks two weeks since I went "dark." Halfway into it, I asked for an IM here, and got a terrific one. Since then, I have heard not word one from WW. Is that WW, or IM intercepting fogbabble? Guess what? That's what IMs are for!

And you know what? I'm coming to realize that I can have a life outside the "pity party" I'm tempted to throw for myself. Sure, it hurts and yes, I wonder what's going on at times, but you know what else? I'm powerless over WW. I'm powerless over anyone, in fact. The only power I have is the control over how I feel about things.

Someone recently reminded me that I have no way of knowing how things will turn out. And even more importantly, that things will turn out in ways I never imagined.

Plan B means "DARK." As in Black Hole. If you want to vent, spew, whine and moan, come here. We will listen. We will advise. And we will 2x4 you as needed!

Come over here so I can slap your hand!

STOP reading anything to do with her. You know better than that!

Plan B is about learning to be ok with yourself, no matter WHAT she does. You can't do that if you keep reading and thinking about her. You are only harming yourself.

I know what you are all saying. I have been down this path 4 months ago and got to a better palce but when I exposed the A to the OM's W, My W opened up about the affair and told me things I didn't know. I thought it was a step in the right direction so I opened myself up again and find myself back in the grieving process. I read these e-mails to greive and finally accept. I know I need to stop. What is the point of reading them at this time. My W said she will respect my wishes to "seperate from her in this way" Her new BF that she just met two weeks ago is someone who is also Italian. I pretty much know the end to this story. She is escaping from the pain of OM withdrawal, escaping from teh pain of what she did to me and escaping from the pain she is causing the childre....All through losing herself in her new BF. How does once deal with that.

Florida, I think you need to realize that you are much better off without someone that cheats on you in your life.
My XWW is very beautiful, physically, and I was really feeling like I had lost something very precious. But, she is a cheater and a liar and made me miserable.
You will be happier without this type of evil in your life. Life is very pleasant without this type of person in it.

My W sent me an e-mail. I spoke to her sister and told her that I saw my stbxw updated her profile on match.com and it flipped a switch in my head that made me realize she would rather find love somewhere else. (I did not tell her that she has a new BF).

My W sent me an e-mail saying I shouldn't be angry because she hasn't logged in to match.com in weeks. No one knows about the new BF. She thinks I am spoiling Christmas for everyone because she updated her profile on match.com. I feel I need to clear this. I wrote the following e-mail but did not send it. Please let me know what you think.
******
I am not angry with you. I truly am not. The match.com thing did not make me angry. It just flipped a switch in my head that made me finally wake up to the fact that you would rather go out and find new love. You would rather date and fall in love with someone else. That truly is OK. How can I be mad at you for doing what you feel will make you happy now and for your future. As I mentioned in my letter, I respect your feelings and needs and I no longer question or doubt them. They are your feelings

Please respect my wishes as mentioned in the letter (plan B). Thank you!