Hello all, been a lurker here for some time. Unfortunately I have a question of my own which I really need advice with. I truly have nowhere else to turn.

I'm in my 30's and live at home because of a recent divorce due to infidelity (how ironic) - parents have been great helping me get back on my feet. My folks are in their 60's and been married since their 20's.

My question: I was on the home computer which was recently purchased due to the previous one crashing and getting viruses. I went into the history just out of curiosity and I saw some really awful stuff - you know, the usual suspects (videos, etc.) - but some of it involved "teens." Typically there are 50-100 sites visited/day. I also found a receipt for a paid membership into one of these "clubs" which I guess enables you to get stuff sent directly to your e-mail address.

But the worst thing is that I saw that my dad has been looking on adult friend finder, a local "hookup" site. He goes on there almost every day, and when I went on (it was horrible) I saw that he had entered our local town in a search....!!!! OMG. I don't think he actually e-mailed any of them, but of course how do I really know that?? What would a 60 year old man be doing this for???

I am of course sickened by this and shocked. What do I do? Should I tell my mom? I feel that she should know, esp. given the potential health concerns (STDs), but I am SO afraid of causing her pain and devestation.My sister thinks this is "his business" and private, and that we shouldn't get involved.

I am completely and utterly torn down the middle. Please help if you can! I love my folks and don't want to see them divorced.

Signed,
Please Don't Kill the Messenger (a.k.a. JerseyKiwi)

I have been having nightmares about this for months.

Yes. Your mother has a right to know. I don't know exactly HOW you should tell her, especially if you think he's looking at underage girls. No wife needs to be blindsided by her husband's arrest for something like THAT!

tl

Thank you thndrnltng, that is my strong feeling on the matter. I guess I just need some advice as to HOW to do it. Should I do in concert with my siblings? (there are three of us, but only my sister knows) Do I get specific about WHAT I found (because my mother is very much an innocent and wouldn't know half of what these things are - adultfriendfinder, etc.)? Or do I just say, "I found some really questionable stuff i.e. porn on dad's computer and I thought you should know"? Ugh I hate this...

Hi JerseyKiwi,

Get it all out on the table, all in one spewing.
Just like if you were revealing an A, the whole truth needs to come out.
Like thndrnitng said, she does have a right to know.

How your Mom wishes to deal with the info is up to her, but she can't deal with it knowing only little bits.

Tell your siblings, if they choose to ignore it, so be it, you tell your Mom on your own.
Hopefully they will support you and be of support to your Mom.

I would tell her soon, show her the proof on the computer since she may not
believe you.
I think soon is better, before the evidence is gone.

Nothing get fixed until it's noticed that it's broken.

Good luck.

I've got to go mail a package before the Post Office closes, so I'm leaving after this post and will be back later. I'll ask my daughter to stop by here--she's an author and always good with a well-turned phrase...although frankly, I'm not sure there IS a really good way to tell someone something like this.

I'm going to be 62 in just over a month, so I'm familiar with your mom's age group. I have been an in-hospital registered nurse for 40 years, though, which pretty much ground "innocent" right out of me. But I can tell you that what you have to say to her will be shocking, and devastating on a personal level. I'm not sure I would start off by showing her stuff, but I think you need more than vague generalities. She needs to be told what types of sites he has been visiting, as well as the fact that it looks like he's trolling locally. At that point, if she wants to see them (because she may well be completely incredulous that this could be true), you might start off with some of the less-gross sites and work your way up until she's convinced.

She may want to be an ostrich and deny that what she is seeing is true. If that's the case, she's not likely to be grateful to you for telling her anything. Tell her anyway. It at least gives her a fighting chance to protect herself from the consequences of your dad's actions. What she chooses afterwards is up to her. Your post suggests that you have a brother. I don't know anything about him--whether he would be supportive towards your mom, or whether he'd take a "boys will be boys" attitude of exoneration towards your dad. You need to decide whether or not you think his involvement would help or hurt in exposing this to your mom.

You might also want to invite your sister on this site, so she can see what is being advised, and why. It might help her feel better about exposure. You do NOT want to invite her if there's a chance she would try to alert your dad/protect your mom by deleting the history so that you have no documentation to show.

Good luck. This is a toughie, and one no daughter should have to face. You have my sympathy and my admiration.

tl

Posting at the same time as Pepper, (I'm just slower is all)

I like the idea of telling them together.

Thank you Pepperband (that sounds like a fun musical group!) - this is definitely an option, although I cannot for the life of me imagine blindsiding both of them at once. I almost feel like my mom should be given the chance to gather her thoughts and emotions before confronting my dad. If he's right there, then she won't have that "advantage." Thais said, perhaps there is more wisdom in just dropping the bomb and then staying out of it, as you say... Anywho, thanks again for your help. It is appreciated.

That is true. I do suspect that she may already know some things about this, althouh I doubt she knows about the friendfinder situation. Or the "teen" movies. p.s. I'm still not sure what these are. I didn't have the stomach to look, but the titles def. say teen. Could be 19, but still... Ugh.

I don't like the idea of telling them together, but that could be my conflict avoidance talking. I don't see any way she could tell the two of them, and get out of the situation without a few wounds. Her dad's going to be upset; her mom's going to be upset. She can't just drop that bomb and walk away after handing out a phone number. I'm not saying it's the wrong technique. I don't KNOW what the right technique is. I just don't think dropping a bomb like that will be a clean surgical strike. There'll be a lot of radioactive fallout in the immediate aftermath, and only she knows whether or not she can handle getting sucked into it.

tl

Too late!

I donno, Susan. This effort to intervene is probably a spit into the hurricane. My sense is there is a ginormous elephant in the room and has been for a long time.

My bigger concern is children. Which is one of the reasons I think exposure to Mom and Dad "together" is an option worth considering. It puts Dad on notice he's got more than one pair of eyes on him.

Thank you TNL - this is very, very wise. I have definitely been having nightmares about this ever since I found out. And I also can't stand to even be in my dad's presence. All I want to do is shout "LIAR!!!!"

I should add that my dad is an extremely, shall I say, rules-oriented person in terms of sex (at least outwardly) - looks down on people who sleep together before marriage, wouldn't let my boyfriend touch my shouler during church, wouldn't let me be in a room alone with my boyfriend (at age 25). You get the idea. So this whole thing really comes as a SHOCK. It's like Spitzer with his agenda, and then finding out about the secret life. Ugh.

My brother would be devastated as well, I suspect. He looks up to my dad very much and is sort of a "mini-him" in many respects. Hopefully not this one!!

Ultimately I feel that I should let my mom know and then let the chips fall where they may. I do have proof, so that won't be a problem (I've been reading enough about snooping on here to get pretty good at that!)

Thank you again for your support in this awful situation. It's a conundrum wrapped in an enigma wrapped up in a riddle. That's for sure.

JK

Oh lord... why am I so stupid. This never ocurred to me.

To be honest, there was some stuff when I was growing up that didn't feel "right" but I always kinda put it out of my mind... I don't think it was abuse, but definitely too mcuh focus on the way I looked, etc.

Right, I get that. Makes sense. it scares me tho.

Thank you PepperBand - I know I'm going to be likely shunned or worse for bringing this out. hence the nightmares I've been having. I'm in protection mode for my mom, tho. That's all that matters to me anymore. That and what you said about young children and the potential for arrest. Ugh.

I know exactly where you are coming from thndrnitng, I also see Pep's reasoning about the dad spinning his addiction to something less than it really is in a private convo with just his wife.

It really is up to you JK, what can you handle doing if you do this by yourself?

I would suggest, either way, take a pic of the websites/adult friend finder (in history form) include the comp and the surroundings in the room to prove that they are actually on that computer.
If the evidence disappears, your Mom has proof that says 'well someone was on these sites'.

As far as JK just leaving the room after spilling this garbage, she could ask her Mom if she wants her to stay or leave.

I definitely think you should tell your mom and your siblings. With your dad present or not....not sure. I doubt I would have him present. He doesn't deserve that IMO.

However, as a recently divorced BS, who discovered my WH has a vile porn addiction.....I can tell you that it is doubtful your dad is actually looking at anything illegal. I doubt he is even interested in 'children.' My XWH had lots of stuff on his PC that involved very very young looking teens....but I still do not think he is interested in children.