Yes we all work for the same company. Granted we work in different buildings but we do have interactions beccause of our jobs. At the beginning of this I was scared to tell anyone but then I found MB and it gave me courage. I can't tell you how many people who still don't know.

Last week I ran into someone I hadn't seen in awhile and he mentions that he has not seen XH for about a month and how is he doing. Before I would have mumbled something unintelligible and ran away. I looked him directly in the eye and said "XH walked out on his family last year for PP and D me. You need to ask PP since he has been living with her since June. He was floored. I did nothing wrong and held my head high.

It has to be difficult for you also working in the same place. Hate it.

It is! People ask me about him all the time since he leaves early from work and they do need him to do stuff. He is really smart and knows his stuff, but he is gone before you know it to be with her. So now I tell people: oh, we are separated. He has been having an A with downstair neighbor for 18 months. I found out 4 months ago. He now lives on his own and sees her regularly.

The problem is what follows. People at that point usually say: Oh, this must be so hard for you...you must be so angry....how do you cope with this?
And I think this is where I became too vulnerable....I never know what to say.
I also become resentuful, he is having the A, he is not telling anyone so he does not have to put up with questions...and here I am having to answer them all!!
Any suggestions?
blessing

If you aren't addicted to anything, you CAN'T understand this statement.

If you ARE, just like I am, then you can.

When I was in the addiction, I can TELL you from EXPERIENCE I didn't care about ANYONE or ANYTHING, certainly NOT a CONSEQUENCE.

The power of addiction isn't FAKE, it's absolutely real.

I had a similar experience last night. At a meeting, the wife of one of the regulars (they attend as a couple) asked me, "where's S_____?" Not knowing she didn't know, I simply replied, "I guess she's with her boy friend." The shocked look on her face told me this was news to her.

So, I apologized for shocking her, telling her that I thought she already knew. After the meeting, she and her H spoke with me and allowed me to tell them the story. They were more than supportive, even offering to invite me over for the holidays! I thanked them, but told them I was OK, and that I already had plans.

Here's the pitch: I'm alright! Sure, I tell people this is the most painful thing I've ever experienced. But I'm not the one who broke my vows. I'm not the one who violated my commitments. I'm not the one who turned my back on family, neighbors and friends. No, I'm alright. Thank you, very much.

aetna, sorry to highjack your thread but want to answer Fred.

Hope, I pray you will take this in the spirit it is given, and not in the way it might read:

I take this in a good spirit of a fellow MBer who cares


The longer you remain centered in the emotional toilet of this horrible situation, the more you stand to become part of the unflushed mess. I know that it is still raw for you and that you must grieve and let it run its course, but I read in your words an intense sense of non-closure. Your signature says your D was final in October but you haven't yet signed the paperwork. What are you waiting for?

There were some issues/clarifications that had to be rectified after final mediation which took some time to work out between both attys. Would not sign on the dotted line till everything was spelled out (can't believe all the careless errors that end up in the decree. Read it line by line.

Your description of your XH would probably fit Webster's definition of "damaged." Why hold on to the memory of a person who is so badly wayward (and I don't mean that in the MB sense of the word) that redemption may never come?

XH has turned into an alien. I know this. I have read some hopeless threads where the waywards have come out of the fog and found their way home. Only God knows the plan for me and I have faith in Him (not XH) I also know that they have to hit rock bottom and I see that XH is starting to spiral down between his alcoholism, finances and losing all respect and position at work. For today I am willing to fight the good fight for this M even though I stand alone.

Please do yourself a favor: Grieve, yes. But also realize that you are alive -- you have SURVIVED -- and are now a better person for it. Your XH is fallen. And he may never get up.

I have grieved, I have cried a million tears, I have gone through every emotion. I have come a long way from the beginning of this nightmare. I have picked myself, faced this every day at my job, taken care of my daughter as a single mother, joined a gym, lost almost 50 pounds and not only survived but thriving. Yes, there are times that I get down and deprssed such as during these holidays and I also know it is ok to be sad. I will pick myself back up and keep going. What is closure -- I don't know. I chose not to date because I feel like a M single. I have friends, I have family, I have God. That is enough for now.
[/quote]

aetna Before this A, XH was a work-aholic and had goals for the direction he was going in his position. After the A started, he changed completely...stopped bringing work home or PC. Missed more days of work this past year then he has in the last 5 years, leaves early. It is like he just gave up on his life and drifting along.

How do you feel about your WH? Do you still love him? Do you still want to restore the M? Be honest. I just say that this was XH choice and I never wanted this. I say that I love the old H, not what he has turned into. We had 22 years together and those years do not just disappear. You would be surprised how people will respect the truth.

I have talked to many women that told me that when their spouses cheated they ran out and got a D. Many have regrets and said pride got in the way.

Only we can say when it is over. It is our final decision not theirs.

Thank you Fred. You gave me a good idea. Next time someone asks I will say: He is with his girlfriend. Because that is the truth.
There is this particular co-worker who, every time she sees me, she hugs me and uses a pitiful voice saying: oh, I know how hard it is (her H cheated on her and now they are in R after 6 years of him having moved out) so let me know if you need help!
She means somewhat well, but she is loud and draws the attention of everyone around....that is soooo embarrassing.
This whole separation has put me thru the washer and dryer cycle! i had enough!
Again if you have any more suggestions on how to handle people reactions...they are more that welcome!
blessing

Hope,
The truth is that I still love my H and that after 20 years of M I am not ready to give up easily. I gave myself till October 2010 to wait for him to see if he has a change of heart. After that I will move on. Till then I will not give him a D.
I live in a country where it takes 3 years to D AFTER a full year or so of legal separation. So it will take him a total of 4 years to obtain a D.
That is if I am in agreement. If I am not... and I am not...then it will take him even longer.
My H, like yours, was a dedicated father and worker. About 2 years ago he started skipping work, leaving earlier and earlier and now he is at the point where he no longer cares about anyone or anything exept OW.
I know there is something wrong with him and out of respect and love for our M vows I am willing to put up with this for better or for worse. Of course I am protecting myself by abiding to a strict plan B.
You must feel deep inside that your H will return to sanity at some point...otherwise you would have given up...
blessing

I know some MBers do not believe in MLC but I believe my XH is the poster child for that. He was having work issues on a major project and turning 50. Everything started to unravel.

I do not have a date when I will be ready to throw in the towel. Right now I believe this is where I am supposed to be. We moved across the country 3.5 years ago after living in my hometown all of my life. 2 years later XH walks out and D16 and myself do no have any family here. Not sure where I belong but D16 still has another 1.5 of school so that decision will be made then.

It is difficult to stay in Plan B because of the work environment. In January I am running an all day meeting that both XH and PP must attend. Hopefully they will call in sick. I will make some goals and boundaries for myself that day.

I believe that XH will come home one day. This is the only place that I can state this without people judging me. Looking at the statistics on this site and the type of person PP is she will show her true self. I have heard from many coworkers how badly she treated her X-BF of 4 years in public and the heavy drinking by both of them will take its toll.

Does this mean that I am hanging around putting my life on hold? No -- work on yourself, try and challenge yourself. If XH showed up on my doorstep tomorrow I would not be ready for him to come home. I have my own goals and changes I need to do for myself. I am rebuilding my own self confidence and self esteem and work on being a Goddess.

Wish I lived in a country where it takes up to 4 years for a D. In my state you can be divorced in as little as 30 days with no waiting period. Too easy.

Yes, we have that thank to the Pope, it used to be 5 years, then the catholics had to give in to what reality was. We did not have divorce till 1970.
That said (I am not catholic)I just think some people have traumas from the past that they never dealt with and that re-surface with a vengeance in midlife.
Those traumas coupled with aging = mid life crisis and they lead to an A.
My H was abandoned by his un-married and young parent as an infant. He was told that his dad demanded his mom to have an abortion...but she did not and resorted to an alternative solution...
To this day this episode in his life still hunts him...plus he is 50 and knows that his youth is gone and that he will be good looking only for a handful of years till old age sets in....
I love my h and have compassion for him...but I still do not get why he does not go into IC.
I wish I could help him, but I really can't. So I totally cut any contact with him to keep my sanity.
OW will help him.
blessing

Hope,
I will look up gabzzz thread.
Yes, nothing justifies the A, and Yes, my H has a huge sense of entitlement. He thinks he needs to be happy,that son is 19 and can take care of himself, that I am strong and smart and will get over this...his parents live far away and never really call and same for his siblings....so here you go. He has no clue of the damage.
OW..? I am not sure....if she is so destructive why indulge in her arms? maybe she will help in term of driving them to insanity where they finally have to face the one person they can't run away from or cheat on....themselves!
blessings

Atena-

My xWH was the same way. He was willing to give up a 36 year marriage, his family including new grandchild, and our retirement savings to be with someone he picked up in a bar. OW has been D'd a few times, filed bankruptcy a few times, has a gambling problem which keeps her living in near poverty. My WH is the cash cow sent from heaven. Go figure. When the high wears off they got nothin.

Really..I can't believe it...the more I read on this forum the more I see the reality of OP...the lowest, poorest choices possible. It is mind boggling. You H with a gambler, broke and multiple Ded person...who is only intersted in $$$.
What a mess, after 36 years of M!
Nothing is certain in life, nothing.
Bless

It's been said here several times since I've come on board, that WS always "trade down." It's something to do with the idea that their new "love interest" validates their own sense of superiority, or something to that affect.

Yes Fred, you are right. I am a university professor, speak 4 languages, have 3 university degrees and I am attractive.
OW has a high school diploma, is unemployed, is D and her 2 kids: one swears and say bad words the other is a little lolita and is very sexually forward. She is 15 years younger than H and has large breasts..and has a pacemaker.
I do not know what to think fred..I love my h....no matter what.
blessing

Wow, atena, you've got me by several degrees and several languages!

I have an MBA and speak two languages. I've lived in four continents and studied abroad. If OM has a college degree I'll be quite surprised. He does "shift work" at a tech company in the area. I've had several people tell me they think he looks like a "goof."

In all fairness, I'm not a prize in the looks department. But I'm in good shape, still have most of my hair (and only a bit of it is gray) and according to RealAge I'm 44 -- the same chronological age as OM.

And to complete the picture, WW is a small, 5'4" (suicide) blond, with shapely curves (not all natural) and is two years shy of a bachelors degree. At 48 and her career in shambles (she's seeking employment as a receptionist, I've heard), chances are she'll never get that degree.

Someone (Zelmo?) suggested to me that one of her "justifications" for having an A was her feeling of inadequacy when she compared her accomplishments to mine. I do recall several times when she would ask me to explain a word I had used, as I enjoy language and possess a voluminous vocabulary...

Yes, Fred, my felt a little inferior even if I was very careful not to overdue it, but after all I am knowledgeable in my field but he still wanted to have the last word about it. H is also educated and has higher degrees, plus he is seriously good looking...so i do not know what got into him.
With her he feels like a king. He is a computer expert and she thought chips only came out of a bag and never knew computers had them...she is really thick...does not know what an email is but would text message my H saying: I want to make love to you....lets count all the stars in the sky.
he needs that sort of romantic stuff. Who doesn't?

The texts between my WW and OM were much cruder. At least the ones I saw. He also had her running errands for him ("bring me a coffee with extra shots when you come over...")

When your world gets turned upside down, they aren't kidding!

Oh yes they had pretty low stuff in there especially the one referring to me not being home and she being free to come up and you know....
It is the way it is. It will last and then they will move to the next OP...