I would not encourage you to give up. I know, for me, I had to feel like I did everything, and I mean, everything possible. Otherwise, I would always regret it.

I have done a great Plan A for 15 months. I lived through a false recovery and 2 affairs with 2 different men. There will come a time when you have had enough.

If you are not there, then I suggest you keep plugging along, just don't do it at the risk of your own sanity. Keep working on yourself - I hated hearing people tell me that earlier on, but your spouse will see the changes (whether they decide to come back or not) and you will be better for it.

Make sure you follow the MB principles and the advice of the vets here. Don't second guess it or think you know better. It will save you from making classic mistakes.

Plan A was never meant to go on longer than 6 months for men. You're just torturing yourself if you go longer...

Mine was an odd situation. 1st affair ended. We started recovery for 4 months then OM#2 came along. Torture is right, but I feel at peace giving up now.

You feel at peace because of how she's tramped over the wedding vows; this gives you EVERY RIGHT to give up. Hence the peace. You're letting go.

I hope that his family will go ahead with the intervention before it is too late.

The petition has been filed but that is all. I want to wait to do anything until he forces me to. I think the tougher I make it for him the less likely it will happen. I may be just buying time but that's all I have right now.

I am trying to take the advice regarding finding some independence. You can be someone's partner without being totally dependent on them. I have been emotionally dependent on my H for along time. Somewhere along the way I lost myself to him and the kids.

As for giving up.... I dont think I will ever give up!!

What about the idea of sending a copy of the basic concepts to my H to read along with a letter saying I have found some information that I think could help us and hope he will read it. That when he is ready I would very much like to talk about it.

Even though he has filed for Divorce what could it hurt? I just want him to know there is nothing he can do that will make me change my mind about wanting to save our marriage.

Dear lostandfound:

i am so sorry, my heart broke reading your posts. i was hopeful when you did not post for so long. you are right, he is not the husband you have spent all those years loving, nurturing, growing with. you and you alone will be the only one to decide how long you can do this, hold on, wait.

even if you need to let go to move on, only you can decide how to love him. loving him from afar may be an option you wll need to consider.

All things are possible for those who love the Lord.......all things are possible, but we do not control all things.

love yourself more right now and do what is necessary to hold on to your sanity, your strength and your hope. your children and family and friends sound like they are a great source of support and love and compassion. let them hold you up on the days your legs get weary.

my heart is broken for you.....

Thank you for your words. I did think things were better. We were doing better. But, I could not get him to break it off with her. She would go for a week or two without calling and give him just enough time to start feeling a little relief and then she would call again. Phone records show this is exactly what she did. She knew exactly what she was doing and the kind of power she has over him.

Valentines Day he was so distant and I just couldnt take it. A few days went by and I finally said something like if he didnt want me and couldnt love me like I needed to be loved then he needed to let me go. That evening he didnt come home. I really thought he would come back but he just got further and further away.

I pray that God will help him find his way home. I pray that the OW will realize she cant find happiness by destroying a family. I pray my H realizes what he has at home and begins to work his way back to where he belongs. I truly want him to find peace. I only hope he does before he does more damage to his kids. In the end he will be the one that suffers the most knowing what he has done and what he has needlessly lost.

I emailed the basic principles to him. Who knows. Maybe he will read them. Maybe it will spur something in him and he will begin to think.

Its been a couple of days and I havent heard from him. No surprise huh? I dont know how long it will be before he serves papers and I am forced to respond. I cannot stand the thought of him not being my H. I cant stand the thought of this.

Some days I am positive and have Faith that this will all be overcome and the wonderful family I once had will be whole again. Other days I dont know how much longer I can take it.

He hasnt talked to me about us for about 3 weeks. He came our youngest daughter's Prom and to come over to do some repairs on some things in the house for me. We didnt talk about the D or anything else except the lawnmower the dryer etc.

I cant imagine my life going on without him. I cant imagine birthdays, Christmas, graduations, weddings... all the things we were suppose to do together. How can I possibly do them without him? I can hardly make myself leave the house every day to go to work.

I know I have to work so that I can have food in the house. I know I have to do those Holidays and our grand daughters Tball games and the Recitals and the swim meets...... But it is so hard to be there when he has always been there with me. For 23 years it has been the two of us. We did all these things with 5 kids and now 2 grandkids. How can he leave me? What can this OW possibly have that can take the place of what we have?

There has got to be a way to get through to him. Isnt there something I should be doing?

L&F, here is an affirmation that I printed out and taped above my computer screen. It has helped me tremendously. I hope it can do the same for you.

l&f,
I would highly recommend you get involved in a local church. Involve your Pastor! I was fortunate enough that she was able to get be in contact with other Christians who were going through the exact same scenario. It makes a big difference when you can talk through your frustrations and concerns with a person who has felt or is feeling the exact same thing.
Get totally involved with your kids and grandkids. You sound like a #1 Mom in my book. They will be there for you to talk, for hugs, etc.
Other than this, I don't know if there is much you can do involving the A. The ball is completely in his court.

I have been very busy this week. Kids are coming home for the Summer and work is getting busy. Had a great week until today. The girls are having a really tough time dealing with what he has done. Today they got into a huge argument about their dad. It was awful to see them tearing each other apart like that.

Fred, you are right. I have to do better for my girls. They need to see I can be happy without him. They need that from me. I need to act as if I am already Divorced. I say I have worked on myself and in some respects I have. But, I have not come nearly far enough.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. We are all planning to go to visit with the "whole" family in our home town. My H is planning to be there as well as members of my family. I am holding my breath to see how it turns out. I imagine the way to act should be cheerful and content. I just hope all is nice for the Grand Mothers and all the kids.

Happy Mother's Day to all.

I think I will print out you post and have it to read everyday. Thanks so much for sharing it with me.

Thanks surviving. I have been spending a little more time with the grandkids. They are growing up so quickly. The oldest is 3 now. She is an angel and does give the sweetest hugs. The baby is 1. He just walks around smiling. They both make you forget about all the bad parts of life.

More and more I think I do need to find someone to talk to. It is hard at first to admit to yourself this is happening. I guess its high time I realize it is out of my control. Thats the hardest part of all. He kept telling me I cant fix this! I just wouldnt listen.

I am looking at a job several hours away. A new place and a new start. Depending on the salary I may just take it and move away from all this. I believe if I were away from this house I may find it easier to move on.

I talked to my H and mentioned the COncepts I emailed him and said I thought something like this could help us figure out what went wrong and make a new start. He has finally said that he jsut doesnt believe that things will change. That he has been unhappy and doesnt believe it will ever be different.

I felt that by stating this he has been thinking about it. He text me and said no one ever contact him except by text. As if it made him angry. I told him I hadnt called him because I didnt think he wanted to hear from me and I didnt want to bother him. He insisted I am not bothering him. So, I called after we text back and forth for an hour. We talked til 2 in the morning. Maybe he is just missing home but he wouldnt have talked to me or listened that long if he was indifferent to me. Would he?

I want to show him that things are already different. He said that I did not appreciate him and was not happy with him as my husband. I always have been but I can see why he would think I took him for granted. This is a short story of what is very complicated and long but I need to know how to show him our relationship can be different. It can be better than ever.

If I dont see him he wont know. If he continues with the divorce it wont be easy to even see him. How do I get to him. Do I invite him to the house to dinner like we did when he first left? Or do I drop by the office with lunch for him? I made an album for him of all the years we were married and put it on a DVD. Should I give him it? I bought him a subscription to a magazine he mentioned he used to read and enjoyed before he left. Should I bring him the magazines and tell him what I had done? These are things I have always done but the last year we were married he was so indifferent to everthing at home I gave in and did much of nothing. He said I was miserable.

I like the post Fred in VA posted. It makes sense. I am not sitting around dwelling on the problem anymore but I still want to find a solution. I can live without him and have a fine life I suppose. I just believe it will be much better with him in it!

Have read a lot of posts on here this weekend. I havent written a Plan B letter yet. Today is the day we are suppose to meet and talk about all of this. If he decides he wants to meet I will try to talk. I hope he will do the talking and I can listenfor a change. Depending on the outcome I plan to hand him the letter.

I have read on here many that ask how to forgive their WH for cheating. Somehow, I have not had that problem. He really hast asked for forgiveness. I just cant seem to forgive myself. It is easier to take the responsibility for it all and know I can change.

So, I suppose the Plan B is what I shouldve done all along. I cant "fix" him and it makes me so sad! I dont know what to say to him in the letter. Except just to tell him that until he is ready to completely cut the OW from his life I cant have anything to do with him. He can contact the kids directly. If he needs to make contact about the D he should call my attorney

I am not ready to say it is over but its not my decision.

He never called It is almost like a game. He says he will call like a teenage boy and then just doesnt bother. it is like he wants me to hurt. Like he is tyring to punish me. The last time we spoke about the D he said if I let my lawyer "lose" I will regret it. I will have some explaining to do to his parents and the kdis and others. As if he had something to reveal to them about me. I just said that I had not done anything to hurt him and did not want to now.

I dont know who he spends his time with anymore or how he spends his time. He works most nights and every day during the week so he doesnt have a lot of free time. I have invited him to several family get togethers on Sunday which he has come to all of them. The kids are at the point they dont want him here anymore. They tell me if I invite him They will not be here.

I only thought if I quit talking to him altogether he may miss me. He doesnt seem to miss me or he certainly doesnt say he does. He used to always tell me he loves me but hasnt done that in quite a while. He is putting me out of his heart and mind.

I cant just give up. Working on myself is a great idea in theory. How do I do that? A little at a time. I need to be positive and strong. Its not easy.

My family and his think I need to ignore him and let him see what he is missing. I am not sure. I am afraid I havent done enough. Maybe that is my problem and I need to figure out what I am worth. This can sure make you feel worth a whole lot less than you want to feel.

Brought him a blueberry buscuit to his office this morning. Gave him a big smile and kissed him on the cheek and told him to have a good day and left. He just smiled and watched me leave.

Spent the evening with my kids. Cooked and then played games at the kitchen table. Spent the weekend at the pool. Good to have the kids at home.

I Still havent heard from him. Except when I text him about a job for my son and his truck. He answers when I ask about the kids.

His mother is scared he will end up alone and die alone. She wont call him. None of his family will. I dont understand it. They are worried about him and say he is making a mistake but no one is willing to try to get through to him. I am perfectly willing to talk to her and glad she talks to me but I dot udnerstand why she wont tell him these things. She did tell him once in an email but only got a response from him after I prompted him to answer her so he could make her feel a little better.

I have stayed busy and changed my daily routine so I dont look for him in everything I do. I am better than before anyway.

I wrote the letter but not sure when to give it to him. Not sure when is the right time.

Atena. How did Plan B go. This was posted in December.

OK, my exposure did nothing to the A as it came too late (I have been in plan B now for over 2 months so I am sticking to MB). On top of that we live in Europe and H's whole family is in the States so he feels no pressure from them, but I know for sure his mom and dad talked to him and they are devastated...however they are not close by to be able to put pressure.All his siblins are on my side. H rented a studio in a very remote area and sees nobody but OW. We work together and he knows that people at work know, nevertheless nobody has confronted him and he seems fine talking to people as if nothing happened. Imagine..he did not even tell his direct superior about the separation...
So, do not wait to be in my situation where exposure came too late and was to no avail.

Everyone knowing didnt change a thing, He spends all his time alone except when he is at work. I dont know what his co-workers think. His boss only comes to town a few times a year.

His family is dissapointed in him but say nothing to him. He doesnt call them and they dont call him.

He looks terrible. Lost weight. Bags under eyes. He needs help and so do I.

So exposure came in march. Maybe it was too late like so many said. Is there is nothing more anyone can tell me as I dont listen very well, do I? I read this thread over and over. I was too sad, weak, unstable, scared.... to tell anyone. I was in a nightmare and all I wanted to do was wake up.