So some things to update I guess. I have been on the board reading everything, just really didnt have anything to post to my own situation. I just read my last post and that was a turning point.

After a week of not emailing my husband he asked what was going on. I told him that I felt like I had nothing to say to him anymore and that I saw us heading to a divorce. It upset him, and I told him that all I had for the last year was terrible memories and that they had overgrown my good ones. I didnt see how we could recover the marriage at this point. He asked what he could do, I said the first thing you need to do is give up the other woman, I see no reason even discussing us if you still had her. He emailed me the next day and simply said "its done, shes gone" It no longer gave me joy in my heart to hear to hear that. I mean I am glad, but that is not the only thing that is needed, that is just stupid to think we can discuss our 10 yr marriage when he has another woman right?

Anyway we have gone back and forth for the weeks following. I do see him trying and it does mean something. Mostly it means alot for our children. He sent them a package with items and cards, which is the first time since he left. He says he is going to try to do that more often. It meant alot to them though and its nice to see them excited.

I guess the biggest thing came this weekend when he said he had a weeks vacation that he had to use before March 1st. He said that he didnt want it because work keeps his mind busy and if he was off it would make his depression worse. I asked if he wanted to visit the kids, he seemed to be feeling it out with me. He said yes. So we have started plans for him to fly from England to see the kids. I am so happy for the kids, they miss him so bad. And I am excited for him to see them and how big they have gotten. I am not looking forward to it because of how I feel and that he is going to leave again.

He asked me if I still wanted/loved him a few weeks back. I responded, that love and wanting is not the issue I am having. As I mentioned in my last post, I no longer trust my heart. At this point us getting together isnt even possible if there wasnt all the other issues. The facts remain that he has a job where he lives, he can send me money. I have a job where I live, and I also have a house and family. There are NO jobs here for him,the economy is even worse here then the rest of the country. This is even before we get to the fact that he has emotionally and mentally abused and cheated on me for almost 2 years now.

Anyway, any thoughts?

Oh and yes I have been working on myself.

I have been doing bible study with my kids more. Making sure I make it to church. Working out, eating better. Still doing the ADs and they have helped alot. I did get them out of whack after I did a cleanse, I think I was taking them to close to when I was taking the cleanse and they were getting washed out. I have also taken a few more days off from work, so I can spend more time with the kids. Oh and I treated myself to a girl day of shopping with mom, and best friend. It was much needed for all of us and as great. I havent done anything like that in years.

Stay in the Bible.

Regretfully I have not read the whole episode.

You must work out your position in this affair. Sometimes these events are to reconnect you to God.

Thanks for calling us back to keep us in touch.

Almost a month since my last post. We had been talking and things were ok, but something was still off. The plan was for him to come and visit the kids in March. Of course in the back of my mind I was hoping he would come here and I would see that my nagging doubts were unfounded and that he really had made changes.

Last Thursday he "summons" me to MSN while he was talking to my son. He asked if I sent 2nd OW conversation we had in July on MSN. I advised I had not and did not see the need to make her a martyr and would not be sending her anything. He didnt believe me and I didnt care. He kept going on how crushed he was <roll eyes> Now this didnt make much sense since there was supposed to be NC! The next day he was asking when I could get a divorce? So I emailed other women andfind out that after he told me he had stopped seeing her, he must have spent the night and when she left, jumped on the computer to talk to me haha. So he is devastated because OW found out he had cheated on her with me.

It was enough, he sent me a few nasty hateful emails since I had contacted OW. I replied he had no worries, divorce would be served to him as soon as tax refund arrived and that I would now have him blocked. I did think I had him blocked but the next day I received two "im sorry" emails, that I ignored and blocked his address again.

So 1 year and 164 days, 2 OW and countless verbal abuse attacks, I have called it quits. Truthfully, the infidelity I could have overcome, it ended up being that poison he was using to hurt me that was the dealbreaker.

He will be here in less then 2 weeks. Since my last post, I have gotten numerous messages that he is happy I have learned everything because it was killing him. He wants to come home. I told him I will never keep him from seeing the kids but that divorce was in our future. He asked me to hold off till he got here. Fine since it was going to cost me several hundred to have him served there. I dont know if he thinks that he will get here and I will melt. Oh the same note, it is exactly what I am worried bout. I definately worried. I know I still have feelings, but I dont trust them anymore. I have a weakness for him. I just want this pain to end. Today we kind of got into a fight where I told him that his obsession with OW#2 is what is doing it to me. I cant stand it. tonite he got on the computer and was drunk, and same old same old. Everything all my fault. I keep hoping that some day I will come on here and see apost from him asking forhelp.

I think you should give him a chance.

Whatever, my WH favorite word when he is avoiding answering. I havent posted here in almost 10 months. So much has happened but nothing really changed. The previous post was made by my WH, this was while he said he loved me and realized he made a mistake. While he was leaving me flowers and notes, and emails saying I love you. Words that I hadnt heard in so long.

If you read the rest of my thread, he came to visit the kids last March,after being out of the country for 10 months. He decided to stay. He wanted to work it out. I told him I didnt think it was going to work. At first I would let my wall down, but then he started getting in a deep depression again. I put a keylogger on and found out that he was again contacting OW and had a new online relationship that was inappropriate. I let it ride for a few days, but he caught me reading his stuff. I told him that he needed to find a job and I was moving out when he did.

He did find a job, a part time low paying job. It was a job though. I moved out several weeks later because he was still moping and even told me he blamed me for his English OW breaking up for him because I had emailed her before he moved there.

I moved out, he didnt talk to me for a week or so. Slowly but surely, we were in the same rut of him living there, me paying the mortgage on the house, and my own rent. I did this for 2 months. We were getting along, and I was tired. I was not taking care of my self emotionally. Work was hard, and being a single mom was hard. I did a temporary move in, and with in a week, he was moping again. I moved out for the final time in August.

Since August, I stopped paying the mortgage. He wouldnt move out, and I really didnt have the means to own the house and make the repairs needed. At first he was angry again and didnt speak to me. Then something happened. He came on here. His first post was angry and awful. It was filled with reasons he hated me. It was also full of rewritten history, assumptions, and lies. There were some things that were truthful. He made a few posts and was ok, but then stopped. Meanwhile he showed up at my church one Sunday and spoke to the elders there. He also went to AA, and asked me to accompany him. I had a glimmer of hope again.

I believe he went to 3 AA meetings total, till he found out I wasnt going to immediately jump and move back home. He then started drinking more. He kept telling me to move home, and I kept finding out he was still contacting OW#2. Since I was in a temperary rental situation, I had promised my son that the next place we moved would be for good, for at least a year. I knew I couldnt keep that promise at home, because WH wasnt showing any change, just words.

In Oct I signed a lease and moved into a new place Nov 1st. About 2 weeks later, my WH started to beg for forgivness. SHowed up crying, sent me letters, emails and flowers. I told him I could not just jump into anything. THat he had misled me so many times. I also felt he was using me for a place to live. He denied that. I hoped he wasnt. About 2 weeks ago he was over and said something that piqued my interest. I asked him if he was talking to someone new. He said that he had signed up for dating site since I didnt want him. Again I was hurt. I didnt even get 2 weeks of him wanting me.

This week, I noticed his dating profile was down. At first I thought, maybe he realized how much it hurt me. Then my brain took over and realized it was because he had found a keeper. Tonite we picked up the cat to move to our house and he confirmed it. He couldnt keep the cat because he wasnt even living there. He has already practically moved in with someone.

I dont understand how I still can be hurt. I am not upset with the dating as much as I am that he didnt want 2 weeks from saying he wanted to be with me, to move on. The OW#2 got 10 months of him begging her. I defended him to people, to my parents, thinking he was a good person. All along he was willing to use me for a place to live.

I dont even know why I am posting it. I do not want to save this marriage. I want my self worth. I guess I just needed to vent. I think he still reads here. I did change the title and my name though

You sound like you are way overdue for Plan B.

I was skimming through your thread thinking your WH sounds like he has an addiction problem or something underlying going on, and then I went back to the first page and saw he is a sex addict? I don't think you are going to get anywhere with him until he gets treatment.

Perhaps once you cut off all contact with him and move on with your life, you will start to realize you are happier without him anyway. Given the history here, it sounds like you will have an awful lot of resentment to overcome and will always be wondering if he is being faithful.

The MB principals don't work with alcoholics. The principal is to first cure the alcoholic then the problem.

I hope that you can concentrate fully on fixing yourself. Plan B with intermediary. This is for you!

I agree about the alcoholism. I dont know why I tried, because I knew it. Plan B... I know the part about me just not dealing with him and using an IM would help, but I dont know about the actual plan B letter, since that gives a way back? I see no reason for him to do anything to come back to us. I assume that he will actually file for divorce himself when OW #3 decides she doesnt want him to be married. I am so furious at him. He is evil. When I asked him why he needed me to take the cat all of a sudden, he smirked! Can you believe that? He thinks its funny that he found someone to keep him warm at night. He pays no child support, we have lost the house we bought 10 years ago, we lost a car that he bought before 1st Dday. My credit is down the tubes. I am a single mom to 2 kids, that he barely sees, and he thinks its funny. ok I guess I am still upset tonite

Plan B is about building yourself. Once you are reconstituted you can properly think about D.

Right now you should have legal advice for a divorce. Maybe someone here can help!

What do I write in a plan B letter to him then? The ones I have seen on here all point to a way back to me. Do you do a polite, I want nothing to do with you anymore letter? Or do I just avoid him?

Just my opinion, of course...

A Plan B letter is a "love letter" of sorts. It tells your WS that you want to remember them the way they were, not the way they are now. As a result, you want no contact from them, at least until they have ended the A.

It is also a love letter to yourself. While it may not seem so, it's about how you are done with the WS as they are now. It's about getting on with your life without WS. It just doesn't come right out and say so.

The letter leaves an avenue open for recovery of the M -- If and only IF the WS chooses it. You say you don't. That may or may not be (I was -- and still am -- undecided). But I put the path to DISCUSSING it in the letter. It does not mean I will automatically accept her back. It only means we can begin to communicate again once the A is over. Until then -- DARK as a politician's heart!

The point of a Plan b is to do it before your heart goes dark. In your case I would be polite and thank him for the years together. Give him a very, very high bar for recovery.

Tell him to make contact via an intermediary. They must pass only essential items and tell you nothing of his circumstances. He needs to know that this process is for your recovery. Cut him off your cell connections or change your number.

Rebuild your life through church, club or social activities. Get fit at the same time -this will help your stress.

Something like this

Dear XXXX
This letter is probably long over due. Our life together has been full of laughter, dreams and love. I love thinking back to us walking with DS in the carriage, trying to pick our dream house. However because mistakes on both our parts, we opened our marriage to others. I have tried so hard to keep you in my life in spite of the hurt. However, I have decided to no longer subject myself to the abuse and pain of your affairs. I no longer will be reading texts or emails from you, or answering your phone calls. I want you to wait for the children outside of my home when picking them up for visits. Any communication can go through XX from now on. I need to save myself from this soap opera that our life has become. I can not stand by as you set up home with OW #3, this week I have felt like I was reliving the first time you left. You know that I love you with my whole heart and always will.

This letter should be fine if you do not want to see him again. It offers no conditions for recovery.

The last sentence: "I will always love you" -is this true?

The letter was well written and logical!

I cant imagine not loving him. We always had such a strong connection, even during the affairs. I know this is where I messed up. The first affair through me for such a loop that I was frantic not to lose him, but never went with a plan, I kept letting my heart lead me. If I would have went into plan B before he moved into OW#2, I would have saved myself so much heartache. Instead I turned into this "mothering" figure and spoiled him with whatever I thought he needed. It was very disfunctional and looking back on that time period makes me sick.

You may feel like you'll love him forever, but it's the memory of him you love - the him he chooses to be is fast draining you of respect and love. He needs to know you have limits, so letting him know you'll always love him is like saying, "I'm willing to take you back no matter how bad you get - I can be your fall back plan".

So some things are much better left unsaid in a Plan B letter, even if you feel that they're true.

Ok I will leave it out. I still need a IM, dont know who to use

Ask someone.

If you don't have a mutual friend or neighbor who can act impartially as a "spam filter," relaying only necessary information and discarding the vitriol, emotive junk and other detritus, then ask someone here. Which one of the veterans who's responded to you has given you the best advice...?