Yes, I do have mixed feelings about IC. The counselor is twice divorced. She seems good,but as a first time session is hard to tell. I will give her 3-4 sessions and then decide what to do. I need a behavioral approach and if she starts digging back at my childhood and past and all that...then I am not interested.
If she pressures me to make contact with h I am out of there the minute she mentions that.
My issue right now is to make sure I get over thinking about him and OW and get rid of the illusion that he will come back to me... so I should put my life on hold till he does.
I have been in therapy in the past with very little results if any. So I have to agree with Mel. Also, most of the sessions I had in the past were actually counter productive. During my H previous A I was in counseling all the time with this therapist who told me it was all my fault if my H cheated on me as I was a nag and should have not asked my H to tell me where he went and what he did. She told me that it is disrespectful to control people and want to be with them all the time.
She said my H hated me for being so pesky and that he was punishing me by having an A. She kept me stuck in a bad M when I actually needed someone to tell me: just kick him out of the house.
This time I found an american therapist and she seems interested in getting me on a track where I emerge as an independent and healthy person.
Again, if after 3-4 sessions (or sooner) I feel I am getting no where....I am out of there.
blessing

A twice-divorced counselor would be a red flag to me. I would ask her to share her past with you a bit before you decide if she is qualified.

I would also directly ask her if one of her goals will be to have you re-establish contact with WH at some point. You need to know that up front. If her direction is counter-productive to YOUR goals, why would you even consider working with her? Find out now.

A BS maintaining NC with a WS does not indicate the BS is not dealing with their anger, but I think many IC's think that is the case.

Yes, one of her goals is to make me re-estabilish contact with H but not now, she said in a year or more. She said for the sake of our son.
If she bring it up again next session I will not see her again.
However,,you said that I can deal with my anger even while maintaining NC with H...how?
blessing

I'd fire her right now. She clearly does not understand the dynamics of an affair nor the devastation to the BS and children. I would not give someone with that mentality access to my feelings and struggles.





If this is her expressed goal, why would you ever go back?





Here's how I see it. Many counselors think that when someone is angry, they need "fixed". I think anger is a perfectly healthy response to certain circumstances. Being angry because WH has cheated, betrayed you, lied, manipulated, and gaslighted you seems like a very healthy response to me. I'm much more concerned when I see a BS come here who doesn't feel anger.

You work through your anger by creating a lifestyle that no longer has room for anger. You do it by creating a life you enjoy, a new life redefined by you and your interests and passions. You cannot do this overnight. It happens over many months/years of living your new life. You allow yourself patience and compassion. You allow yourself to feel angry and to express it in ways that don't hurt you or others. Some ideas are to write, draw, paint, dance...any hobby you enjoy can become a healthy release for your anger and redirect your mind to something more positive. The more you care for yourself (eat healthy, exercise, do things that create positive memories), the less important your anger becomes. Eventually, you look back and realize you are no longer angry. It's behind you....YEARS down the road. If you do those things, it will happen naturally with or without a counselor.

My IC encouraged me to deal with my anger when it came. To take a bat and beat the bed, scream and yell the things I wish I could say, etc. Of course only do those things if DD isn't home. Do things to exert physical energy. And like SMB says, changing your lifestyle. I have a lot of anger toward myself as well, for putting up with WH's behavior and being gaslighted for so so long. Looking at why I didn't do something sooner is what has helped me the most. I had no boundaries. I didn't have the ability to say no, or confront. I held everything inside and lived in a state of deprivation. Now, the IC did have me look at my FOO issues, but very briefly, to determine why I had no boundaries. It helped me a lot and gave me the courage and motivation to push forward to healing myself.

Oh and my IC has never mentioned having contact with my WH. She thinks PB is the best thing for me!

I still can get very angry about WH, when I allow myself to think about it. I just try to not let that happen. I've already dealt with alot of the anger. Any that is left will continue to fade as I move forward. As you get stronger, it will get easier to not think about it. As you get stronger, the future will not look so sad, empty and scary.

I love this quote from the book Boundaries: "You need to get far enough away from abusive people to be able to fence your property against further invasion. And then you need to own the treasures you find in your soul."

Ahh, the treasures in my soul...I love that. I'm on a journey to find my treasures.

The OW, well her treasures are dried up and blackend with sin and adultery. They are gone. Too bad for her.

VST, they used us and abused us because we let them do it. We have to recover so we no longer attract that sort of man.
Of course they were bad and heartless. you do not have to hurt someone just because you can. How can you be so mean? Maybe our H were always that way...we just never got to know them for what they really were!
blessing

Yes I allowed it for sure. I didn't have the tools or knowledge to change things. All I had was what had been modeled for me by my parents. It's been very interesting for me to learn about why I was that way. And putting my attention on my personal recovery/education has really helped me move forward. And yes, I think I just chose not to see him for what he really was. I do however, believe he has the ability to change and become a whole and healthy person, a real husband and father. But that is in his control not mine.

VST, if they decide to change it will be when the sh*t hits the fan with OW. Then they will go to IC to make it work with her as they will be too ashamed to come back to us. Plus, out of site out of mind....they will no longer love us. They no longer do to begin with.
I think we are better off without them.
How old are u? I am 45.
blessing

It's obvious that you have a lot more inner strength than I did atena. It took me a loooong time to pull myself together. I think you've already got your feet on the path to recovery. I had to have a very detailed map!

I'm 45 too.

This is my H second A and since 2004 I have been in a lot of pain in my M. I started last year by reading Eckhart Tolle's books and those put a different spin in my life. I am a very sociable person and have no problem asking for help when I need to. I put my pride aside and like to feel humble. I do not mind if my ego gets put into its place from time to time.
I have nothing to defend as the truth needs no defending.
I am only very hurt by my H behavior. I love him still and would have never dreamed he could have resorted to such a sick and careless behavior. I feel like running away and never coming back here. I feel I want a new life.
blessing

I asked your age because I felt we were pretty much the same age and we are!
I do not know what chances we have to find an OM in our lives. They have so much excess luggage and I would prefer not to deal with it. Here where I live (Italy) a woman at 45 is considered old and definitely if she looks for a relationship she will only find men in their late 50s and 60s.
I know in the states is not that way.
blessings

This is my WH's 2nd that I know of as well. I think there were others though. Mine hurt me very deeply as well. His behavior was just horrid. I've not really thought much about another relationship. I do realize that it would be someone with baggage as well. I don't really know how a 45 yr old divorcee is perceived here..... I've decided to totally leave it up to God and if he has someone for me then it will be right and good. I'd so much rather it be my H though. I feel very strongly that we could have a great M together. But, he'd have to fix himself and be willing and there is no sign of that happening.

What is your situation? Are you in plan b? Is he living with OW? How long as it been since he left? Is he totally indifferent? Mine is, has not made contact, pretends I do not exist. Rented his own place and sees OW when her kids are with her XH, spends all weekends and holidays with her.
blessing

Atena, I am 58. My WW is 48. We met when I was 51 and she was 41. To this day I find her incredibly attractive, even though she's got a few wrinkles and I have thinning hair. I know what you're feeling, and as a man, I have that same fear: It's a young person's world and people like us are "has-beens" to many.

But you know what? I don't believe that we're destined to spend the rest of our days alone. WW has found some "validation" with OM, 44. But I'm sure he will throw her under the bus when either (a) OMW puts the hammer down and either D him (resulting in alimony & child support), or (b) when he finds a younger woman who finds him charming and willing. What happens then?

At my point in life, I have a good steady income, a home, a car that's paid for, good health (I have a back problem, but that hasn't kept me from running marathons -- and I am addressing that with the help of a spinal surgeon) that's covered by health insurance (her coverage ends in ten days). From a strictly creature-comfort point of view, I have plenty to offer. WW has sunk to renting a small apartment, looking for work as a receptionist, driving a car that I own (and may repossess if she doesn't start paying for it) and her running days are limited if she keeps smoking. Some comparison, huh?

In your case, you're letting the characteristics of another culture dictate your viewpoint. I've been to Italy (beautiful country!) and it's true -- the double-standard applies big time! But Italy is also the country of la dolce vita! Some of the most admired Italian women are the ones who dare to "break the mold" (I'm thinking of Sophia Loren). Why can't you be one of them?

One of my A.A. sponsors once said, "It's none of my d*mn business what other people think of me." I try to remember that (although sometimes I forget). The only person I really have to please is me!

Better days ahead. Starting today!

I asked my WH to moved out Feb 09 (before I knew about MB). They work together and neither will leave. I exposed to everyone in April but it didn't change anything. I don't know if the A with her is still on. I went into PB 5 mths ago. He's not tried to make contact. I have no idea what he is doing or with who. The good thing about my sitch, so far, is that he isn't openly with anyone else as far as I know--he isn't subjecting my DD to anyone at least. I feel for you and the pain that causes you. It just makes me sick when WH's do that. It's so very evil.

Thank you Fred it helps to hear that age is not so important. I guess here in Italy you would be a hit. They love americans. My H is literally surrounded by OW. OK he is really very good looking, looks like an actor and has the body of a 20 year old. He is very cool and mysterious.
Even if I am good looking I do not seem to attract men.
I am not ready to date yet. But I am not sure what will happen. I do not like Italian men. They are all mama boys and complain about their liver, their being cold, their diet, their relatives...oh my gosh.
I like the outdoors, could care less if it rains, if it is cold, I still ride my bike , get wet...and have fun.They think I am crazy. I miss the states for the great outdoors and the clean air.
blessing

Oh I see, you are not sure if he is still with OW. I bet he has someone. So you are not in contact with him since April? Do you have any kids?

No I went into Plan B 7/25. I tried to do PB a month or 2 before that but I let him break thru. He went ballistic that time. But not so much this last time. I have a 10 yr old DD.