Yesterday I caught up with a friend I�ve known for almost fifteen years. Over the last few years we haven�t seen much of each other. I bumped into her a week ago and she told me she had left her husband and moved out of their home several weeks ago.

Anyway, yesterday she tells me that she has been having and affair with a co-worker for almost a year now and the reason she left her husband was because she wanted to pursue a relationship with OM. OM is also married and left his wife several weeks ago also.

My problem is that my friend told her H she was leaving him because she was unhappy, blah blah and all that other foggy WS babble. According to her he has no idea that she is with someone else. Also he is distraught and not coping well at all with the situation as he knows it. They have been married around ten years and have two children.

Now I have been a BS. My H originally left me because he was �unhappy�. It took 5 months before I discovered there was an OW and then another 3 months after that to get the full truth of the situation from my H. I believe that if I had known the reality of my situation sooner I would have been able to deal things a lot better and possibly may have been able to end the A sooner.

So my dilemma is do I inform the BH or not. I don�t know him very well and have no idea how he will react. I only know if I where in his situation (and I was) I would want to know.

And if I do inform the BH how do I go about it. This situation hits a whole bunch of nerves for me and I and to make sure I make the right decisions.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

I will tell you up front that I am very biased on this subject.

You don't say how well you know her husband, but it would not matter to me. He deserves to know.

My fww denied her A for 12 years. Interesting that I was thinking of this only 30 minutes ago. We also had separated so that fww could get "refocused" on our marriage. Like your wayward friends husband, I spent 4 months away from home thinking how to repair our marriage. All the time, my WW is carrying on with OM.

I listened to lies for 12 years. Still think I occasionally get dishonesty. I have no sympathy. Tell your friends husband. He deserves to know in order to make decisions based on what is really happening.

Hi butterflyjump, welcome to MB.

I'm not a veteran (yet), so please wait until one to seasoned pros chimes in. I will only tell you my first reaction:

Honesty is the best policy. That you know the pain and anguish, as well as the "fog babble" wayward spouses (WS) spew, I think you should be up front with your friend's husband and tell him without any embellishment:

"Hi, H. Your W told me that she's leaving you to pursue an affair with OM, who is also married. I know this is very painful news to you, but you need to know, and you need to know NOW if you want to have any chance of rescuing your marriage."

Then point H to this site and this board. Tell him to buy the book, Surviving an Affair and to register here and log on and introduce himself.

He will be disbelieving, then angry. Do not attempt to have any other conversation with him, do not sympathize, or tell him any of your experience. Just tell him that he must start NOW if he is to have any chance of saving his sanity, if not his marriage.

Good luck.

Thank you for the replies.

You've just pointed out something subconsciously I was worried about but hadn't quite put my finger on. I can't afford to get involved with him in anyway. I worry that once I inform him he may try to get some support from me and I can't give that to him for many reasons.

Nor should you. Your best course of action is to tell him and then disconnect. You don't have any part to play in this (do you?), so you don't want to get any more involved than to be simply the messenger.

Tell him. You can even do so anonymously, perhaps (or maybe not, I dunno), but tell him.

Otherwise you are an enabler. I'm no psychologist, but I think that cheaters who confide this info to their friends are looking to offload guilt, by finding someone who'll tell them that they're justified in what they're doing, or who'll simply react that it's not that big of a deal.

As someone who betrayed his wife, I can tell you: It's that big of a deal. Do NOT be an enabler. Do not enable the chain of lies to continue; because chains of lies are what affairs are.

You should have no regrets about telling her husband. Until your "friend" comes to see what she is doing as inexcusably wrong, she is not any kind of "friend" material for you anyway.

No I do not have any part in this. I only found out yesterday.

My first reation to this situation is that this man needs to know the reality of his situation. I just wish it didn't have to be me who tells him. I only want what's best for him and his children because I know how devastating this situation can be.

As is so often the case in situations like this, your "friend's" H will likely get angry with YOU ("kill the messenger," so to speak). This is why you have to be as detached as possible. I wouldn't suggest writing a letter, but it may be the best way, provided you sign your name to it. This is because an anonymous letter is likely to be tossed. However, writing a letter will invite H to want to reply, with questions and demands for proof. I think calling is probably the best method; face to face, if you can.

Be prepared to "disappear" from both your friend's and her H's view. That's probably best for you, anyway. You don't want or need to be caught in the middle. Especially since this opens wounds for you.

But you absolutely must tell him. And you know this empirically, otherwise you wouldn't have come here asking. Isn't that true?

I think you are right. She confided in me (not knowing all the details of my own situation) hoping that I would agree with all her justifications on why she was doing the right thing for all concerned. She didn't what she bargined for though. I had a come back for every bit of fog babble she had. I can confidently say that I will be crossed of her xmas card list for a long time.


I definitely do not want to be an enabler. I just feel sick at the initail pain the information I will give him will cause. I would like to do it anonymously, but think it would be better for him to know who the information comes from.


The only type of friend I can be to her now is one who supports her marriage, if she ever comes out of the fog.

Applause!!!

Oh...I KNOW he needs to be told. I just needed to make sure I wasn't being clouded by my own situation. My H's A has opened my eyes to a whole new world and I guess I still question my own judgement sometimes still.

I understand perfectly! As you can tell from my signature line, I'm still very new and very raw about this turn of events in my life. After seven weeks, I'm still "Sleepless in VA," my weight is down considerably (although I'm eating better now) and I have emotional ups and downs that come out of the blue, seemingly.

That's why I don't profess to have the answers for you. But I have learned an awful lot about what MB stands for, so my responses to you are based on "doing the right thing."

At the risk of sounding eerily mystical or something, let me offer you this thought: Perhaps there's a reason you were the one chosen to be the messenger. Maybe it's exactly because you do know the pain an A causes that some unknown hand picked you. Instead of trying to figure out the who or why, maybe the best thing you can do is to be the most effective messenger possible.

I'm betting you'll benefit from it, too.

Ok I too am NO vet. I will tell you my points of view though. I only found out about 4 weeks ago of PA that my WH was having with OW from his work.

My feelings on A is that BS should ALWAYS find out no matter what. I am friends with people and I have always said to my friends "If you ever have an affair, don't let me find out because I WILL tell your spouse." When my WH sister was a WW 4 and a half years ago I told her BH. I decided that whether he wanted to stay in his M or not he needed to know ALL of the details.

I also have been on the receiving end of this sort of news. I actually received a phone call from WH work 2 years ago. I DO NOT even know the person who called me. I am extremely grateful to her. They found my name in the phone book and called me. I believe that at the time my WH was involved in the beginnings of an EA and had I known about this place then I would have saved myself, and my children the past 2 years and future ? years of pain.

I just went in to Plan B on Friday and I think that had I known what to do sooner I may have been able to R sooner.

I hope this helps. I admire people who TELL because it takes a whole lot of strength to do it. Especially to someone you don't know well.

Definitely tell. Many of us suffered needlessly, questioning our sanity for a long time as our instincts were screaming betrayal but our spouses lied to us. No need to let someone suffer like that. You would not treat an animal like that.
ANd, I know I would not have been angry, at all, with the messenger. I really do not think most BSs would be.
Also, in the event that the marriage survives, by telling, you will be viewed as a friend of the marriage should you ever wish to be associated with these folks.
Botom line is that not many folks would be angry at being told and most would be eternally grateful.

"You've just pointed out something subconsciously I was worried about but hadn't quite put my finger on. I can't afford to get involved with him in anyway. I worry that once I inform him he may try to get some support from me and I can't give that to him for many reasons."

You do not have to give him support.

You do have to give him the truth.

You then recommend that he comes to MB for support and help.

Please tell this BH today!

The fact that you were a BS makes you the perfect person to tell, IMHO. If I ever find out that a friend of mine is engaging in an A, they are TOAST. I will break all major speed limits to get to their spouse with the info. All of my friends know this.

To this day I am upset that many people suspected my H and the OW and never said a word to me! How can I fight something if I don't know it exists?

He will thank you, eventually.

Doing the RIGHT thing rarely ever means doing the EASY thing.

Tell him. Point him to MB and get out of the way.

BTW: Just so you know, telling him in no way makes you a bad guy.

The wayward wife DID this. You will only be telling him what he needs to know in order for him to make decisions for his own life....that is something his wayward wife has stolen from him.