Now I have a question. I found a goodbye note from OM with his picture on it. The wife had just told me the only thing left from him was on her cell phone. Should I confront her with this card or keep it until she brings it up?

It sucks that you have to shoulder the burden of withdrawal. But I assume you care greatly for your wife, so you will shoulder the burden. In time, she will understand what you have done for her.

With that mindset "confront" is a strong word. It makes me think you are going to say "Honey, WTF is THIS!!?!!?"

You should point out that you have seen it, I sounds like you need to or you wouldn't be asking the question.

How about "Honey, I came across this by accident, would you like to talk about it?"

Once that dialog starts, you can take your position of gently reinforcing no contact, letting her know it would hurt you if she hung onto the picture, whatever.

If it IS a goodbye note, that's a good thing. But if these little "goodbye notes" keep popping up, that is then a problem which would put the no contact in question in my mind. It's going to take her time to get over OM, sad but true. Little reminders popping up will not help with that and she probably knows this in her head, but not necessarily in her heart.

Gentleness and compassion is the way to go as long as you are strong enough to keep it up.

You have found this note, a withdrawal from you love bank. Ignoring it removes her opportunity of making a deposit by apologizing and getting rid of the picture in front of you. Be warned - bringing it up may give her the opportunity to make MORE withdrawals, but I've always been one for honesty.

Coat the pill in sugar for her. That's the gentlemanly thing to do. But bring it up.

I'd inquire about it. As you probably know, there is a slight tendency for WSs to lie . I doubt she will volunteer anything.

Shawn,
You need to reread the thread and if you haven't visited Pepper's Carrot & Stick thread, I highly recommend it, Pepper's Carrot & Stick thread .

Without LB or AO, your WW needs to be reminded of how this has affected you too. Below is an example of handling bringing up the photo...

"Today I am having a very bad day. I found this photo and I am triggering all the emotions that keep me at a distance from where I want to be in our marriage."

Sit back and see how she handles it.

Gg

Pepper's post was amazingly helpful, thank you.

We are coming up on four weeks now and in counseling with a great MC. One problem I am having is my wife can't get past the feeling of never being able to get over OM. I try telling her time will solve this but after saying this a couple of times I would love to be able to offer something more. Is there any advice on responding to that out there?

Something that I think helped my FWH (in addition to counselling and following the principles here) was to build new memories for the two of us.

Things we did that we hadn't done too much before:
Go online and actively search for new restaurants, museums, movies, concerts in your area. Pick one and go to it. Surprise your W with the plans and tickets, etc., already set up, or, if she enjoys planning and anticipating things, do it with her.

Play a board game, card game, etc. Make it a date night at home.

Wine, cheese & crackers or a non-alcoholic drink, if you prefer, are always a nice addition to date night while you're kicking each other's butt on Monopoly

Buy a new electronic gizmo that you've talked about buying. Ours was a Wii - and we're piling up the memories with some serious non-serious competition. We talk a lot of smack - lots of fun.

If your W is like me, for some reason I get an itch to do something different and fresh in my house every January while it's cold and yucky outside. Buy new curtains, change the look of a room, paper the bathroom together, reorganize the pantry...

If you're readers, go to the library together. If she's a reader, go with her. Pick a topic you both want to learn more about. My H and I love to cook - we like to pick up interesting/different recipe books and experiment with new recipes.

Your interests will vary, of course, but you see what I mean. I think inactivity is a breeding ground for brooding, for both the WS and the BS. Get up, get active, create new memories for both of you.

My thoughts. In addition to that critical thing that you've already covered: TIME.

Amen re: no brooding. What's the old saying -- "Idle time is the devil's workshop"? Get rid of idle time.

One of my good friends told me last month that he'd read something to the effect that "the people who are happiest are the ones who spend their money on experiences, not on stuff."

Creating new shared experiences is key to restoring closness & intimacy.

Some things my wife & I have done:

-- reserve time for "just us" most evenings, around 7:30. If the kids need help with their homework, they have to wait. If the phone rings, we don't answer it. During this time, we are each other's priority.

-- I got a Kindle. So I've always got something to read. Instead of having idle time on the subway.

-- Take trips you've never taken. Yeah, this costs money; but so do marriage counselors & divorce lawyers. We did an anniversary getaway to Florida. A birthday weekend in New York. A week in the Outer Banks. Our savings account isn't what it might be, but we have new memories that are worth lots more.

-- Invite each other to lunch once in awhile during the workday.

-- Get new family pictures taken by a good photographer. (Not just some schlub who only does staid poses in a studio, but someone who'll take you outdoors where you can be silly & romantic, too.)

-- Buy new clothes that she likes & wear 'em.

-- Look at couples with whom you're both friends: Are there a few whom you BOTH trust to have both of your best interests at heart? If so, let them in on your issue. Get together with them as often as they're up for. Let them care for you & let them help keep your spirits up. Let your wife get together with the woman in the couple 1-on-1 and let that woman help provide an additional, marginal measure of accountability for your wife's thoughts & actions.

No magic bullets here, but such things can help. And protect/uphold "no contact."

I don't know when NC started but withdrawal can take up to six months for you WW.

What a ghastly feeling it must be to hear your WW express her concern about an inability to get over her affair partner. I cannot imagine someone, even if they did feel that way, expressing it to an injured spouse.

I think this type of willingness to express should give you some insight into your WW's capacity for empathy.

I think when she comes out of the fog and is through withdrawal, she's going to be appalled by her words and actions.

If my FWW is any indicator, when they start peeking out of the fog, they are less appalled and more forgetful. Like I reminded FWW this morning that my exposure to OMW seemed to be the key to ending the affair, and she stammered "but I was in the process of ending it already," paused, looked reflective for a moment, then said "but I don't really remember what it was that caused me to make the decision to stop contacting him."

Yikes. Scary , Barnboy. Don't let her operate heavy equipment or use power tools.

YOu are a better man than me for handling this. I would totally give her the finger and walk out. NO WAY I COULD GO THROUGH THAT! DUDE

I would have said the same thing last year. Once you actually given the choice you would find out what I learned, you have it in you do this. The strength is there, it just needs to be called upon.

I am not some superhuman caring machine. I am as weak and fragile as the next person. I use this site and good friends to give me the strength to do what I know has to be done for our marriage and two daughters right now. This site has been a gift from God, without it I would have probably given up or nailed the coffin shut and hope would have withered a pitiful useless death.

I agree on hope, but a human can only take so much abuse before they go insane. Actual chemical imbalances can occur for taking that kind of abuse. I'm w/ you, but in the end, you may have to save yourself for your children. Who gets the oxygen mask FIRST on an airplane? The PARENT....DUDE

Well Dude I am starting to feel a little numb.
I kept my guard up and saw her using an extra GMail account. She confessed to its use when I asked to see the contents to prove no contact. She is can't bring herself to break off from him to commit to our marriage because she lost all love for me during the affair and can't see us getting it back. We can't find that love while she is with him. She understands both of these concepts but is stuck. This will be the topic of discussion with the MC on Tuesday.

She is talking of maybe moving out to try to find the things she will miss from me but we discussed how she would just fall in with OM deeper and our hopes would dash. She does have some hope but too many doubts to feed that hope.

Since 90% of my income carries the house, she basically does the food and all the spending money, she would have to move out and we would stratagize the financials for Plan B or I would be sleeping no friends couches for several months with no money. When should I consider Plan B?

I was bad and never planned on how to do it. Can Plan B work with her leaving and still having access to the house?

Make sure if anyone leaves, it is her. Do not offer her any finanacial support if she moves out. You will be underwriting the continuation of the affair.
I think your best chance at recovery is to let her feel all the consequences of her actions. Exposure, cutting off support and going dark on her are ways to implement the consequences.
You cannot control what she does or how she feels. Just focus on yourself, now. If it comes to divorce, you can be very happy after the initial pain wears off.

Don't move out.

Don't financially support the affair.

I'm wondering if I should start a new thread "When Marriage Issues Outweigh an Affair". I'm not even sure I'm in the right forum any more.

The wife has decided to move in with her mom for a few weeks and decide if she can work on rebuilding our marriage. <Coles Notes> We spent the last 8 years of a 15 year marriage concentrating on our kids and have grown so far apart she can't get past the "I want out" feelings. I on the other hand remain 100% loyal to the marriage.

Will these next two weeks be Plan A or Plan B? She has told me she does not want me to leave her alone during this time, she wants to come to grips with her feelings and feels she can't do it while we are in the same house. I have told her if she moves back it will be it will be under the conditions of openness and no secrets with no more emails to OM. The affair is dying on its own as the kid realizes he doesn't want to be involved with this. She still keeps an open line for emails which I will not allow if she is to stay.

Her mom's house is a halfway point between getting a place on her own or coming back home. During this time should I go dark or remain in plan A until she moves into her own place?