Dear Hummingbird:<BR>I am really sorry. My aim was not to scold you like a little girl, but to possibly see that maybe you need to think things through and follow through with what you really need to do. Yes, Airheart is completely right when he says that everyone makes mistakes. I orginally started to want to post that way, but, it didn't go that way. Yes, everyone makes mistakes, and at times, we sometimes go a few steps backwards before we can move 10 steps forward. Please don't go because of my assertiveness and lack of being kinder. We are all here to help one another and certainly not to chase anyone away. Now I feel bad since I made you cry. Truly am sorry. If you stay, you will get truly good advice from many OTHER members who have good heads on their shoulders.

I just wanted to say to everyone that I really thank God for your help and advice.<P>I'm very upset with myself for my actions and it has shown me that it didn't accomplish anything - just more pain for everyone involved. I'm praying this will stop me from doing something so stupid again. I want to feel loved, I want to feel that "in-love" feeling again so bad and I was looking to OM cause he was that source for so long. I do feel addicted, God, he's like a drug, but after yesterday I realized that drug doesn't work anymore (I should of known that).<P>I don't feel free, I feel like I have heavy chains all around me and I don't know where to start. I've gotten wonderful advice here and I really thought I was getting better or at least a path was clearing for me to follow. I know I'm not being fair to everyone, especially my husband. I hate myself for that. I hurt so much because of that. Even though he did and has done things in the past, he never deserved me having an affair, never. I was completely wrong and do feel so guilty and feel he deserves a better wife that me. One who's faithful and keeps her vows. <P>There is nothing the OM can do at this point to make me feel better and I realize that now. I don't want him to say he'll leave his family for me, the guilt would be overwhelming and I never wanted to hurt his son. It's still hard letting go.<P>I have never felt so much hurt in my life and it is hell. I wonder if I'm feeling all this hurt because I loved him so much or just a combination of all the pain I've caused and letting myself down.<P>Katya, I'm sorry for your pain and I understand. I never wanted to play games with anyone. I hate this, I hate this person I am and I come here for strength anything to help me from jumping off a bridge. I cry alot, I'm very sensitive and lately it's the best thing I do. I feel as though I've shed enough tears to last a lifetime as well as enough hurt. I know what I did was wrong and believe me all the additional hurt it caused will definitely help in not doing it again. BTW, I hate it when he looks at me. You don't know what I do during the day to avoid him. I go out of my way to not walk past his office, I turn around if hear him coming or I just sit at my desk all day (if possible) and not go anywhere to eliminate the possibility of seeing him, I've walked away from conversations with other co-workers if I see him coming, I didn't have any eye contact with him for two weeks and everyday he'd say goodmorning and goodnight - I'd completely ignore, like he's not there. I've been sitting at my desk having lunch because I don't want to see him in the cafeteria. I was really trying and will continue to do again. I'm praying I don't stumble again.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited October 23, 1999).]

Hi, Hum,<P>I'm late jumping on to this (been away), but it *really* struck a chord with me.<P>I won't repeat all the advice and truths you've heard here (except to say it's all good and they're all true! ). But I really have been where you are now, and I have a lot of sympathy for you. <P>I backslid an *endless* number of times... tortured myself, DMac, the OM, OM's wife... and I can tell you that it never got better, it only got worse. I had no knowledge of the dynamics of an affair, or the concept of "OP as Addiction" - so I spent literally years slopping & wallowing around in all the 'soulmate' & 'tragic doomed true love' crap. If it wasn't me backsliding & initiating contact, it was him. Blech!!!! It was a miserable, horrible, degrading, powerless time in my life. I HATED myself and how I was behaving.... but I justified it every way I could (I figured if I wasn't actually boiling bunnies, stalking, wielding sharp knives, or otherwise doing "Fatal Attraction"- type things, I was behaving with dignity...?! NOT!!!).<P>Anyway, long story short, OM finally moved on, I began figuring out the affair-dynamics on my own, & was finally able to break the grip of withdrawal. It was probably well over a year before I really felt out of the woods - no more missing him, no more feeling angry at him, just... no more. And it was a blessed relief. <P>At one time I would never have believed that I could ever live without him happily. But I finally realized it really *wasn't* HIM that was the big deal - it was being addicted to the feelings of relief from desperate unhappiness and emptiness that he provided. The adulterous relationship is TRULY a drug to you right now - you are addicted. And you are suffering the same feelings of powerlessness and self-loathing that an addict feels. <P>I think you know that continuing to contact OM, trying to retain some vestige of that feeling, will only become more & more painful, more degrading, more damaging to your soul, as time goes by. It *can't* be done. It *will* get worse and worse (as I've seen here recently, I've "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt" ).<P>Hum, ya gotta get a grip on things before the downward spiral continues! You are NOT an evil person, you are not even a "weak" person - you are a person caught in the grip of an addiction as strong as any other. Once I began looking at my own situation in this light, it helped give me some strength to deal with it rationally. I went on my own little 12-step program! <P>One other thing - I learned after the fact (dayam! isn't that always the way...) that depression played a big role in my affair, and especially my backslides - I was trying to fill a big hole inside that I didn't know how to fill, and the drug of the affair was the only thing that came close - which of course was a catch-22 because the affair only made me feel crappier, more lonely, more worthless, more depressed... if you're not on anti-deps now, I'd really recommend looking into it; it can really help you get through the withdrawal and hopelessness.<P>Hope some of this helps - just remember you *can* get through it, you *can* get over OM (without dying of misery! Promise!). I know it's hard to do if your marriage is feeling bleak (believe me, I know!) - but it's Step One - trying to fix the marriage without getting over the affair is putting the cart before the horse. You just have to grab your bootstraps, marshall whatever help & support you need, and keep plugging. I know you can do it. Don't leave the board, Hum; those of us who made it out of the Dark Ages are here to help. Be well!<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Yowza Suze, that was a great post!! Can I plagarize that sometime? <P>--andy

Thank you Suse,<P>I'm addicted to him so much. God, he has this power over me, it's so scary to me. I need protection from myself. Every day is such a struggle. <P>I have one cross that I don't wear too much. I wore it yesterday and will from now on. I kissed it and said "please God, give me strength today, please I really need you, please I don't want to do anything I'll regret today". <P>I wish I could lock myself in a closet for a couple of months.

Suse--<P>YOU ARE MY IDOL

<P>You guys are too funny.

Thanks, I needed to read that today myself!<p>[This message has been edited by Susan (edited October 26, 1999).]