Buy another VAR and HIDE it this time, ok? Duh.

Thank you, Cat. Geez, I thought I was going to have to say it.

So I'll merely add: Buy several. Put them in various places where conversations are likely to take place: the car, the computer room, etc.

It is painful to read what your wife is putting you through. I would strongly suggest that you contact a very good attorney NOW in order to understand your various options open to you. It is better to have this information in place. It is so clear that your wife has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You seem like one of the walking wounded. Your wife has emotionally abused, betrayed,and humiliated you for much too long. If the roles were reversed, do you honesly think your wife would have been so accepting and accommodating as you have been? Enough is enough! See an attorney and get your life and self-respect back. Good luck.

You did't hide the VAR.

You didn't expose.

What are you doing?

Your letting fear control you and the WW is banging the OM, that's what you are doing.

Dear Spaceman Zim:

Oh, boy. wow. Do you need help. The advice here so far has been great-- but as I read over your entire situation, I can't help but see the big picture of what you already know.

Your W is a LONG term, professional adultress. You are simply being a patsy.
Stop the begging and chasing, you know she is boffing the OM- sounds like you should be happy he seems to be the only one.

PLAN A your butt off so she is not suspicious while you do your "work."

Her AM account is serious proof- you need to verify, copy any file (on a non home site) this data. Matchmaker and the others are damaging, but AM is a sinker.

You need to build a "war chest". now.
Place/LOCK in it copies (computer files and hard copies) all bank information, ss information, mortgage tax and financial statements. Also any any ANY infomation of AM-

INSTALL A KEYLOGGER __ NOW__ on her computer. Get her AM passwords and find out how long she has been a participant.
be sweet and kind- give her no reason to be suspicious anymore.

WITHOUT confessing. <sheesh>
BUY a good keylogger, the ones listed on the internet for "free" are not worth squat. they leave easy to find "trails". spend the $100.

When you have all this info (I put mine in a locked trunk at a friends house) GO seek council. REALLY__ find out what you can do.
And seriously, for your health (and for your kids future) get an AIDS test. Put this documentation in the war chest too. This proves that you were serious considering the consequences of her her A.

Your pastor can not help you,
Your MC can not help you.
The OM is certainliny not going to help you-
neither is your WW.
Apparently it is up to YOU.
There are two boys here that need a parent. One who is smart enough not to post naked pics of themselves on dating sites.

Here is a sad truth:
Your wife does not think of you. She does not care WHAT you have to endure, maybe she never has.
PS: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU- or your M. This sounds like a personality disorder that --oh goodie!-- you now get saddled with dealing with.

I say this because I beleive this stance of independance and strength is the only way to save yourself. You may save (?) this marriage, but you MUST save your kids. YOu must protect them from financila ruin, humilitaion (town wh- is their mom) possible loss of one parent due to divorce of STD.

You changed your life, moving/style of work- so she could meess with OM. She does not care about her family.

When you have all your info-- nuclear expose- work, family his family--shoot anyone who may help keep an eye on these two.

Have you ever confronted OM? How about causing him pain? (not physical, but financial and emotional) Make his A with YOUR LIFE as hard as you can. It is a small town.

Now, once you have information (REAL INFO) not bits and pieces, you have the hardest descision to make.
Looking at everything, do you really want this woman? A good strong IC will really help you.

You have months before this descision must be made.
but face it-- you have tried the "nice guy" route. You have paid, I think dearly for it.

She will not love you anymore or less than today if things stay the same.

I hate to write this. I am sorry it is so rough. but I do not have the ability to write my advice sweeter.

She just ran off with my children, and the police say there isn't anything I can do.

Please pray for my kids. I don't know where they are.

Isn't this Kidnapping? Check the law in that area!

Zim, I'm so sorry to hear this. It cannot be true that there is nothing the police or you can do. It must be illegal to take children away like this. Surely the police can also act on the grounds that your wife might be unstable and the children at risk. Spin this line to them so that they are FORCED to do something.

Have you contacted OMW? Has OM left as well, and if so, has he left any word with his wife?

Can you check with the credit card company for any joint cards you have, to find out where they were last used - and cancel them? You also need to close you joint back account.

Have you called all her family and friends to see what they know? Tell us everything as it unfolded.

The police have been out to our house. I was on the phone with 911 as she was leaving. The dispatcher told me to do nothing. I asked about standing behind her vehicle and he said no, that the police were on their way.

They didn't get here in time, but they are out actively searching for her. All they're prepared to do is to verify the safety of the children and call me back. At this point that is all I need.

Since she is their mother, they say she's done nothing illegal. That doesn't make any sense. How can she be allowed to just run off with them?

I've called a few of her once-close friends to see if they can talk some sense into her. She's been distancing herself from anyone who knew "us" prior to her A, so I'm not sure she'll be open to anything.

She left about an hour ago, and I haven't heard anything yet.

Everything is now closed, so any action I can take will have to wait until the morning.

The cops can't do anything because there is nothing filed with the courts preventing her from doing this.

Here's what you do:

1. Call in sick and see an attorney ASAP tommorrow morning.
2. File for divorce.
3. File for custody / primary resident with you.

Time is everything. Do it tommorrow so everything is complete. Filing for custody will put an injunction preventing her from taking the kids out of the jurisdiction of the court. The police will then have to take action. If her parents know where she is but won't tell you, have your lawyer draft up a nice letter explaining how their daughter needs to return the children to the jurisdiction of the court or will be helping to aid parental kidnapping.

Relax, this kind of crap happens A LOT. Fortunately, courts have had enough and the laws are in place to protect you. The key is being proactive and don't back down. Please read up on David GOldman. He is a shining example of how to get your kid back when the other parent takes them. Prepare for a long process. If she comes back, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO TALK TO HER WITHOUT A VOICE RECORDER GOING. SHE IS PREPARED AND WILLING TO FIGHT DIRTY.

She left because I confronted her about her "new" secret cell phone. We'd already talked about it, but I ran to the grocery last night and she called him on it just after I left.

When I asked her about it, she claimed I had bugged the house and her car, and she was going to call the police if I didn't tell her how I knew about the call. I refused. I've always given up my sources, and she's always worked around that. No way was I giving up anything else.

She started yelling at me, gave me one last chance, and then stormed out of the house.

She came in a few minutes later and disappeared to the basement. She left with my children just a few minutes later. She would not talk to the 911 dispatcher. I didn't even get to say goodbye to my kids.

Zim,

It's not uncommon for WW's to go to the courts and say their BH is "abusing" them. THey will go to local domestic violence shelters, spin a tale of woe, and have you thrown out of the house quicker than you can say WTF.

Your WW has tipped her hand to you. I would be very alert for a false domestic violence charge against you tommorow.

Just got an update via a friend of my WW's. Wife and kids are safe. I don't know where they are, but this friend heard my kids playing in the background.

Also found out it's OM's birthday today! Happy Birthday!

Listen to PSUBiker!! I mean it. He knows what he's talking about, and he learned the hard way. At this point, I think you need to quit worrying about saving your marriage and start worrying about saving your kids! If you save your marriage someday, fine. But your kids are NOW. I cannot emphasize this enough. You need a lawyer and the courts on your side, and yesterday. You have 3 days until things shut down for the holiday. I hope you get your ducks in a row before then. Please don't delay.

tl

PSU is right Zim.

If you check with the City Hall in your town you might be able to get a court order giving you custody. I got one in the time it took to go there. Just a thought.
I know this sucks. Your WW has lost it bro, protect yourself and the Children

Z, Couple of important fact in your post.

1. It is the OMs birthday.
2. You presented your wife with the perfect reason for her to blow up and leave, with the children no less.
3. A friend called to let you know that your wife and kids are safe.
4. Refusal to divulge your source of information is not abuse.

I believe you wife saw the opportunity she needed to get out of the house for the evening to celebrate the OMs birthday. I also agree with the other posters that are telling you to legally protect yourself.

Good luck.

If the previous poster is correct, and this was just an excuse to get out of the house for a "special" day, then she'll be back. Can you start steeling yourself now for the fact that this is W.A.R. She has declared it on you, and you need to be ready to play some real hardball with her to protect your children. I don't remember how old they are, or even if you said, but you're all they've got. There may end up being another love for you down the road somewhere...but there's only one DAD for your kids. You're it, and you're it NOW.

tl

Well, well. Isn't she the insane little minx. You need to run from this woman and fight for custody. She is a whack job of the highest magnitude. And, she sounds dumb as a rock, to boot.

This isn't my thread, Zelmo. Oh. You weren't talking about my WW?